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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I resent every moment she is here. I avoid her as much as I can. She is negative to the highest power. Always has been along with mean when upset. She has no where else to go. My life was good and now it’s hell. That’s it in a nutshell.
How about a Skilled Nursing Facility with Medicaid footing the bill? Isn't that an option for your 95 y/o mother?
Otherwise, I don't know how you can avoid the level of resentment you have towards her and the fact that you consider your life to be hell now that she's moved in. If it were me, I'd find another place for her to to live asap. Living with toxic negativity in your own home all the time, and having to find a place to escape to isn't fair to YOU in any way, shape or form.
My mother is 94.5 and living in Memory Care Assisted Living. She too is negative to the nth degree and very very mean when upset. There is no way I could possibly live under the same roof with her and I don't. When she runs out of $$ for private pay, I will apply for Medicaid on her behalf and get her placed in a SNF if she's still alive. It's the only option b/c I have no siblings and she's NOT moving in here with me and my DH!
MMC75 So very sorry you are going through this with your mom. I think it’s human nature to forget some of the difficulties of prior relationships and so you probably didn’t remember exactly what you would be getting into or thought after all this time you might be able to manage. Have you looked into alternative living arrangements? Please don’t take anyone’s word for it that she isn’t eligible etc. until you have checked for yourself. Try to find a certified elder attorney who has experience with getting the eligible in a Medicaid bed if money is the issue. I too am overseeing the care of a 94.9 yr old. My DH aunt with dementia and I am spending much more time with her these days than I ever intended. It’s bittersweet as we were always great friends but one does grow weary and I have my own issues. I encourage you to come here for support as you work out your best course of action.
This isn't exactly answering your challenge, but i haven't seen anyone yet post this. I am caring for my 92 yo mom and her social worker (found thru the state dept of aging and long term care) told me that mom was eligible for a caregiver paid for by 'the state.' So my husband and i can get away for a few hours each week. have you checked out the aging and long term care in your state?
On your profile you wrote: "my mother had to move in with me." No, Makes, she didn't have to move in with you. You chose to allow her to move in with you despite all the history of mental abuse you also wrote about.
Now, you're hiding from her in your own home (and yard). That "she has no where else to go" is not a good enough reason to continue allowing her to live with you. She is 95 but could live to be 100+. She sounds like a strong woman.
You have options. Please do yourself a favor and start finding a nursing home to take her. You live in California, which is one of THE most generous states when it comes to Medicaid/MediCal, etc.
If she gets sick and requires hospitalization, please do not accept discharge back into your home. Let the case manager/social worker find placement for her.
Please recognize that you matter. How much longer do you want to live in "hell?"
Speak to Council on Aging for suggestions. Connect with a social worker to help guide you through this. They can tell you what they feel is best for her. Tell them that you no longer wish to care for her in your home.
There are nursing homes that can care for her and you can resume your previous life. Best wishes to you.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Otherwise, I don't know how you can avoid the level of resentment you have towards her and the fact that you consider your life to be hell now that she's moved in. If it were me, I'd find another place for her to to live asap. Living with toxic negativity in your own home all the time, and having to find a place to escape to isn't fair to YOU in any way, shape or form.
My mother is 94.5 and living in Memory Care Assisted Living. She too is negative to the nth degree and very very mean when upset. There is no way I could possibly live under the same roof with her and I don't. When she runs out of $$ for private pay, I will apply for Medicaid on her behalf and get her placed in a SNF if she's still alive. It's the only option b/c I have no siblings and she's NOT moving in here with me and my DH!
Good luck!
So very sorry you are going through this with your mom. I think it’s human nature to forget some of the difficulties of prior relationships and so you probably didn’t remember exactly what you would be getting into or thought after all this time you might be able to manage.
Have you looked into alternative living arrangements? Please don’t take anyone’s word for it that she isn’t eligible etc. until you have checked for yourself. Try to find a certified elder attorney who has experience with getting the eligible in a Medicaid bed if money is the issue.
I too am overseeing the care of a 94.9 yr old. My DH aunt with dementia and I am spending much more time with her these days than I ever intended. It’s bittersweet as we were always great friends but one does grow weary and I have my own issues.
I encourage you to come here for support as you work out your best course of action.
Now, you're hiding from her in your own home (and yard). That "she has no where else to go" is not a good enough reason to continue allowing her to live with you. She is 95 but could live to be 100+. She sounds like a strong woman.
You have options. Please do yourself a favor and start finding a nursing home to take her. You live in California, which is one of THE most generous states when it comes to Medicaid/MediCal, etc.
If she gets sick and requires hospitalization, please do not accept discharge back into your home. Let the case manager/social worker find placement for her.
Please recognize that you matter. How much longer do you want to live in "hell?"
Have you considered Medicaid? Why is she living with you and not in a facility?
You don't HAVE to take care of her.
There are nursing homes that can care for her and you can resume your previous life. Best wishes to you.
What if you broke both of your legs? Or moved to Alaska? Where would she go then?
Doesn't sound like this is working out so well..
My thinking is when Plan A is not working, move to Plan B.