My mother has Alzheimer's and my father is her primary caregiver. I live with them and he expects me to fill in for him. Do I have the right to say enough and move on?

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My mother has Alzheimer's and my father is her primary caregiver. I live with them and he expects me to fill in for him. Do I have the right to say enough and move on?

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I live with my parents. My mother has alzheimer's and my father is the primary care giver. He expects me to fill in twice a day so he can leave the house. The thing is he's been abusive to me all my life and isn't that great to me now. Plus I'm at a dead-end low-paying job where I'm treated badly there as well. I'm at my wits end and feel dead inside. I want my life back and feel like I have the right to take care of myself and pursue a better career, etc. I don't want to be a scapegoat for anyone anymore? Do I have the right to say enough and move on?

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Yes, you do. However, if your dad is abusive, you may have to move out to get away from your dad. If you leave and you don't feel he's taking care of your mother, you should call social services to have them check on her welfare. Please get some help for yourself and your mom.
Carol

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I agree, move out. Other wise it's only logical that your father wants to use you as a sitter, who wouldn't? It's all about him, probably always has been.

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You have my permission to pursue a fulfilling life for yourself, despite his demands. You have my permission to look for a better job, and flee abuse. In fact, I encourage you to do so, finding the most helpful resources you can find. Time to take responsibility for you, and let him find resources to help him and your mom. It's OK to cut the apron abuse strings. Might feel foreign, but freedom is a wonderful thing. Then you can make decisions based on strength. Best wishes in your endeavors, and I'm praying for you.

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Yes you do have the right to a fulfilling, healthy, happy life. Only when you take care of yourself can you help others.
I would hope you could help find another way to get your father respite. Your father's life is upside down, the woman he married is declining and he is doing what he can. There is no easy answer here, good luck.

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Ok, so the situation on how he treats YOU is not good, but what about care of your mother. When this ? was posted without your explanation that YOU are being abused, I thought "good grief, you can't manage a few hours here and there to spell your father?" You will find many on this board, me included, who left their home, abandoned careers, have no income and no social saving net, no dental care or medical...to care for a parent 24/7 for years on end. Like me for 8 years! (I get $10 day plus room and board.) Also you don't say how old you are.

Anyway, think about your mother's welfare and the logistics of caring for your mother. If you move out, you could still spell your father on YOUR schedule, say promise four days of 3-4 hours each. You could also do shopping errands on the way, offer to do yardwork outside while your father is with your mother.

Since he's leaving to do errands, etc, you won't have much contact with him and could probably be more a helpful visitor, a ray of light for your mother. Not someone always put upon and abused.

This threshold of I want "MY LIFE back!" is something every caregiver faces. And having the right to a happy fulfilling life? sure why not? But that's what all deadbeat siblings are saying while the single sibling caregiver is stuck with 24/7. (Guess which one develops "character"?)

Your father, abusive as you say he is, is nevertheless standing with his wife as primary caregiver. You've posted your original message days ago, so assume you didn't click the "notify me when others respond" button. Are you even reading these? Hello?

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I guess I should qualify what I wrote earlier. If you are their dependent, despite working, then you owe them something for providing a roof over your head, etc. Just because someone doesn't become a 24/7 doesn't make them a deadbeat. But, if you are still mom and dad's little girl, then of coarse you should help! Even if you say you "need a life." If you don't like it there, then move. But don't expect exceptions while your dad is providing all the care, for his wife, and you. That's definitely not right, IMO. At least help him find some respite. Perhaps he's abusive because he's burned out? That's a separate issue? What is he really upset at? Do you think his expectations are unreasonable? Try to be fair, and be a good daughter. It's not all about "your" life, as you are part of the family, which often means sacrifice, not selfishness. So, do what you will, but there are consequences to choices. And your mother needs help; perhaps your dad, too. No guilt trip intended, but try to think of their needs, as well. (Not suggesting you put up with abuse, if that's happening.)

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Sorry, Daniel, I correct: Son, not daughter.

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Hello Josephine

I am sorry you are in a deadend job where you are not treated well. Would you have to stay with that job if you still continued to live in your parents house and filled in for your dad twice a day? And now, sorry, but I have other questions. How long have you been working and still living with your parents? Have you been paying board and room? How old are your parents and how capable is your dad of looking after your mom now that she has Alzheimer's? Does your mother like your dad's care? How advanced is the Alzheimer's? How well is your dad? Can your parents afford to hire someone to provide a break for your dad or could you help your dad find home helpers whose wages are subsidized by the government? I am sure you know that "getting your life back" by moving out of your parent's home and pursuing a new career won't mean that you are free to leave your mother and father on their own to muddle through the situation facing them. They will still need help whether you live with them or not. I wish you good luck in finding a better job AND helping out your parents. Now, get going at working towards this and you will feel less trapped and dead.

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I agree with everyone...pray about it first, and God will encourage you to follow his lead. New living, new job perhaps and following your heart desires. Mxo

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mm joesphine has not been on since 3 days ago . hope she s doing ok .. guess we all shall pray for her ..

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I must say that I am in agreement with AlzCaregiver.

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hi there Josephine.. I understand your situation. Did you take time to read the thread here?I hope you do. You come to the right site where many people can truly understand your situation. There are some unique differences in our situations, but the bottom line is almost all the same, we all want our life back, we want to move on, most are stuck in meager-paying job, we all want a a break from caregiving 24/7 though some are not in an abusive situation, and other relatives pitched in every now & then... but in many ways we caregivers are almost in the same boat. The suggestions here might help you, but at the end of the day, it all depends on you & your decision. Take care, let us know how you're doing. It's easy to say you wanna turn your back on your dad and ur mom too.. it's easiers said than done. I tried that myself with my mom, after almost 10 hrs my neighrbors texted my cell phone and started telling me to come home because my mom can't do anything by herself and they worry she might cause the burning of an entire block of neighborhood by forgeting to turn off the stove! lol... see at the end of my working day, I was forced to come home to do caregiving once again! can't escape no matter how much I want to. I always tell others here, I wanted death for my mom! period! it's as clear as that. But death won't come in yet. :-)

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I think we need to pray and wait some more to hear from Josephine. We don't know anything about the abuse and not a lot about her or her dad. Not being here for 3 days does make me wonder.

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I'm sure many will be glad to know you have checked your email and have read the responses to your question. I think many of us are concerned about the abuse that you mentioned. Was it physical and/or psychological and has it ended? How are feeling about things now that you have read everyone's responses? Are you planning on making some changes? I hope you can achieve more happiness for yourself while still helping out your parents in some way. I think most caregivers long for a balance.

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I'm glad you read your email, too, Josie. You do need to get away from the abuse. Let social services deal with the situation if it can't be handled any other way. Your mother's safety - and yours - is important.
Carol

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Of course I could be wrong but judging from what you have written, josephine, it appears to me that your brother and your father are the patriarchal type that don't give much importance to girls in the family. My German school chum was always "put down" by her father and her brother and continued to be until they died. Now that they are gone, she still is affected by how she was treated. I would not want this for you, Josephine, so now that you have explained your situation in more detail, and now that I know your father, in caring for your mother, is "doing a pretty good job with her" and "is very patient and loving with her" I definitely would urge you to get on with your life just as your brother (who lives far away) is obviously getting on with his life. You mentioned you had gathered information etc. and given it to your father so now it's up to your father (and brother) to make use of the info if they want to. If your father and brother won't discuss important matters with you, and your brother is telling you not to worry, then perhaps you should just tell these two men in your life that since they seem to feel confident they can handle things on their own without including you in their discussions, you are happy to let them do so. But if your voice concerning matters isn't needed or wanted, then you can't be expected to just do their bidding. You are not a slave. You can help out where and when it seems reasonable to YOU to do so but I think you need to move out and become as independent as your brother has become. Perhaps when you do this, your father will see you in a different light and will show you more respect. On the other hand, perhaps not, but by then it won't really matter because you will have more respect for yourself. Go for it, Josephine. And please keep us posted as to what you do.

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JOSEPHINE:

From your post, I understand the need to get away from an abusive situation and pursue a fulfilling life. Still, I'm puzzled. If you're abused at home and abused at work, what makes you think you'll be harm-free if you just pack your things -- as some here have suggested -- and move out? How long do you think you'll last on $10 an hour when apparently you've never been on your own? Do you really think you're ready to throw caution to the wind?

It's your parent's house, and you have to abide by their rules -- especially if you don't pay rent and are still somewhat dependent. In a nutshell, if you are in fact an able-bodied adult they're not obligated to house and care for you. That being the case try working out a schedule with your father, who's clearly under a lot of stress from watching the love of his life unravel before his eyes. Perhaps if you both agree on a specific time to substitute for him he won't be so prone to take it out on you. If he still continues to be abusive after having reached a compromise as to how best care for your mom, tell him he's going to have to make other arrangements if he wants to take a break and/or run errands. You might be risking him telling you to move out, but I doubt it because he needs you. Actually, you need each other. So work it out and refuse to be abused. At least you'll have a roof over your head while making sincere and realistic plans to leave the nest and land on your feet no matter where you go. Wish you the best.

-- ED

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joesp , my job treated me bad too . i sticked it out for 10 yrs . till pa came around and needed me 24-7 , i am so glad that i am able to do that and leave my job after dealin with it for 10 yrs .
it tore my body up bad . all that pyhiscal work . its like walkin on threadmill for 10 hrs non stop .
job s are hard to find now days . i could have left that job long time ago but i didnt . i dont know why , lol .
you;ll know when its time to do something about it . THERES A REASON FOR EVERYTHING . can only do one thing and one day at a time . it doesnt happens over night .
i wish you well and your future .
youre prob the reason that the lord wants u to stay home and watch over ur parents . so be it . but plz remeber youre human also . do not let your father talk down at ya , when he does that , just walk away .
i had to deal with my husband this morning , my dauighter found half grown kitty and the guys was going to shoot it ! she saved his life and brought it home . i woke up in a good morning and find my husband growling like a @#@%@!@#.. i told him to hit the road ! im a grown woman almost 48 yrs old and i will not put up with that crap . i wake up in a good mood ya better make sure i stay in a good mood . well guess what im in a piss off mood . :-)

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Josephine, it would seem further explanations of your situation, past and present, would clear up some assumptions being made. If you have been out on your own, why have you ended up living with your parents again? Was it impossible for you to remain independent and if so, why? Or did your parents not like you being out on your own? Were they worried about your safety etc.? Or did your dad want you back home to help with the care of your mother? Please present the facts so that wrong assumptions are not being made.

I am glad you don't consider yourself being abused at work. I am sure there are times when MOST people consider they have been treated badly at work in one way or another so in that way you are no different than others. But if you are unhappy with your job and want to achieve more, then you will have to work towards such an achievement. This is why I urge you to "go for it". This doesn't mean you won't do ANYTHING more to help out your dad with the care of your mom. You haven't said what the relationship between you and your mom has been like over the years but if it has been a good relationship, of course you will want to maintain that relationship. If not, and since you and your father haven't had a good relationship, you will need to figure out how much your concern and love for your parents requires you to do for them now. This is an "adult" decision and one that you will have to live with the rest of your life so good luck in making that CHOICE.

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hardebeck, you are a gutsy woman!!! You know what you will tolerate and if someone crosses the line, you let them know it. Good for your daughter, saving the kitten's life. I imagine you will come up with a neat name for it - please let us know.

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Ed, you voiced it in a much nicer way than I will. Josephine, either help out or move out, and stop thinking only of yourself. You might understand the abuse somewhat if you were caring for your spouse 24/7 and your live-in child (?) is not even willing to give you 2 measly breaks a day to look after her own mother especially when she lives in their home with them. Try giving him 2 or 3 days off and then you'll see just a small part of what he is going through.

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JOSEPHINE:

I will only retract my statement about the $10, not the rest of it. If you were in fact paying your share of the expenses AND had already lived on your own before living with your parents, you wouldn't be taking all this abuse. You would already have stood up to your dad as self-respecting people usually do, secured living accommodations elsewhere, or both.

There's always three sides to a story: yours, his, and the truth. When we, while seeking support, don't present the whole picture it's only natural that others will evaluate, judge, assume, and jump to conclusions based on what you're telling them. All our opinions in this forum are well intended. Unfortunately, there are individuals who pretend they need support/help when in fact all they're looking for is commiserate with others who tell them what they want to hear. That I can't do.

I suggest you be more specific in the future, that way there won't be any further misunderstandings and you'll actually find effective strategies to help you cope with your situation.

-- ED

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Wow! Judge and jury here... What happened to "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all..."? I think we should try to be supportive. We don't have all the facts, and we aren't here to judge one another. Give the poor girl a break. She came here for support, not condemnation. Find some compassion, please. We ALL need compassion, and no one has a corner on what's right, except God. I'd like to see a little less bashing here, please. Josephine, your post has caused quit a stir of activity! Praying things work out well for you and your loved ones!

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Josephine, for your own sake, please try to tell us more about your situation. I have to disagree with Ed in assuming that if you were paying your share of expenses and if you had lived on your own before, NOW you would have enough self-respect to not "take" any more abuse. I don't believe that the effects of abuse are that easily overcome. But that's just my opinion.
Ed wants to get to the truth of the matter (as I guess we all do so that we can be fair to all concerned) so, Josephine, how about trying to give us some more facts. How long did you live on your own? Why did you move back home? Was there some sort of an agreement drawn up when you moved back home? As I asked before, did your parents want you back home because they didn't like to have you living on your own because you were female? Does your culture have something to do with you living at home? Etc. etc. We really do need to know as much as possible before we can give you well-considered answers to your question as to whether or not we think (but of course do not KNOW for sure) if you have the right to say "enough and move on" as you suggested. I think if you do not or cannot tell us more so that we have a clearer picture of the situation, there is not much use in this thread continuing. I am sure we all wish the best for your whole family.

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Josephine, if you want, move out. Don't agonize about, just do what is best for you. Your father probably vents now because he is watching the woman he fell in love with and married , slowly slip away. I do not know the history and frankly I don't think it's relevant. I haven't heard that your father does a poor job taking care of his wife. Your father made a request and you have every right to say no. If you can't /won't improve the situation move. Move out take care of yourself and maybe later you can help. Your father is taking care of his wife, your mom the best he can. If the burden to help is to much, move. Your living under there roof, there is no reason not to move. Don't feel guilty, do what your gut tells you. This forum is for people that are caregiving. You are not. That doesn't make you bad it just means you don't/can't help right now. Move. Don't whine. Don't pout. Move. When your in a better place maybe you can help caring for your mother and father who should be the focus of this discussion. Sorry to be so blunt...but the focus should be on the AD sufferer and the the loved one caregiving not on someone who can't/won't help.

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DanielRomero, a very interesting viewpoint: if Josephine doesn't want to/ can't be part of the caretaking of her mother right now then she should move on with no guilt, no whining, no pouting. Have the rest of you noticed the difference between how most men have responded to Josephine and how women have responded?

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I see my viewpoint as a caregiver. Josephine is living in her parents home, She wants empathy from caregivers like her father. My earlier advice was to take care of herself first and then try to help when she can. I read all the comments that asked please tell us specifics....not relevant...she's an adult...she doesn't need my permission to leave...go...move...if she asked...my husband beats me but really needs me, is it ok to leave him...then it'd be easy YES GO but in this case I cannot alleviate her guilt...she can only do that...So how does that differ from what other men said?

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I just love it when folks throw these out there and don't even respond...makes you feel your wasting time responding to them.

I am also curious about the poster's age. If they were so abused they should have left the household years ago. I did! And yeah I am back in the picture now as most caregivers are. But first of all it is up to you now to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps and make a LIFE DECISION.....you gonna bail or help with your mom. Leaving aside that daddy dearest may be a pr*ck...you just ignore him and do the best for your mom. I would hang in there and get yourself A BETTER JOB while you have a roof over your shoulder. If you are in a deadbeat job well that's your decision...did you not take the job? Okay then find a way to better yourself at the same time staying at home and taking care of MOM you hear what I say MOM not DAD. Let him whine and be a butt if he wants to but just take care of mom. Abusive families sometimes make children a dependent of the family where they feel they cannot leave or better themselves from years of manipulation, guilt complexes and just plain downtrodding. I know the picture quite well. But this is where YOU have to be strong for yourself and recognize his nature for what it is. If you move out now, it may not help you get a better job, because you will be taxed with not having enough monies for day to day issues and that will be on top of the agenda. Stay at home for right now, gear yourself up for a better job and try to help at home. When you do get a better job and save up enough to get out then get out, but guess what you still will have to help with caregiving, cause guess what he's the next to go downhill and if he's a pain in the arse now, just wait till the aging disease get's to him. I hope they have long term care or a lot built up in retirement, cause it seems they are heading for a Retirement facility if you cannot figure your own life out...sorry but that's life!

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sorry I guess I did not see the slew of responses in between....I take back that the poster did not come back....to view the thread...

Joesphine, what lcs said about the german parents..I went through that stuff as well, my dad never could find anything nice to say either, always grumping...but what I said above still applies...you have to make it for yourself. My parents did not do any planning either, my dad's tax man talked him into having in added to the deed and having a POA done years ago... BLESS THAT TAX MAN! So I know what kinda Dad you got.

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I think a person has to make it for him/herself but unfortunately there seem to be those that can't. An abusive adult seems to have a very long lasting effect on a child and it doesn't matter whether that child was male or female. I am sure we all know adults who are still struggling with the effects of earlier abuse.

Daniel, I wasn't faulting you in any way. I just noticed that nearly all the men who responded to Josephine felt the matter was more cut and dried than did the women who responded. I guess this is why it is said that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. We just look at things differently. I know my husband has never understand why I am concerned about certain issues in the world and I don't understand why he can't see the issues. I think it is good that Josephine can read responses coming from both Mars and Venus. And my hat is off to all the men out there who are caregivers. Usually the role falls to women, even if they are also trying to hold down a job outside the home and/or are raising a family. Good on you fellows. I hope someone will look after you when the time comes that you need care.

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My mother has Alzheimer's and my father is her primary caregiver. I live with them and he expects me to fill in for him. Do I have the right to say enough and move on?

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