I live with my parents. My mother has alzheimer's and my father is the primary care giver. He expects me to fill in twice a day so he can leave the house. The thing is he's been abusive to me all my life and isn't that great to me now. Plus I'm at a dead-end low-paying job where I'm treated badly there as well. I'm at my wits end and feel dead inside. I want my life back and feel like I have the right to take care of myself and pursue a better career, etc. I don't want to be a scapegoat for anyone anymore? Do I have the right to say enough and move on?
Are you familiar with the Serenity Prayer? It says a lot in a few words. May you find your intended path. Love, lcs
It is a blessing that your are employed even if in a low-paying job. Is there a possibility that you might offer to work extra shifts and holidays to increase your earnings without leaving that job? Last night's news indicates that 4 or more industries, including retail are hiring once more. One of the easier part-time job prospects to land if one has good credit is in retail, which is another way to supplement your earnings while simultaneously making yourself unavailable to be your Dad's default secondary caregiver doormat.
You may also want to let your Dad know that, as his designated choice, you have taken it upon yourself to contact your local equivalent of Visiting Angels and a social service state agency to help him be informed enough to make whatever decisions he needs to be making about his own life and your Mom's care.
Whatever steps you take, keep moving forward. If you hesitate in the least, it will give your Dad the signal he needs to know that you are not confident or serious about getting on with your own life.
Is there a trustworthy person with whom you might share a rental to help you until you can afford to rent on your own? You may be already there. If you are, no guilt and no regrets if that is what you wish to do with your life. You have every right to be happy. Your Mom's care is your Dad's priority given the circumstances you have shared.
Don't forget to use your local library as part of your career next-steps exploration. Also states' labor agencies have re-training programs for workers, so be sure to check that out as well. May need to be on a day off, or a day when you would normally have been secondary to your Dad as it will keep you active in pursuing your goals, and using your energy to help yourself get ahead, instead of being stuck in the house.
Whatever you do, make it right for you, and don't allow guilt a foothold. Wishing you much success and happiness, Josephine!
No light buld yet like the old Ford commercial! :), After writing that long 17 point lessons article on my wall and today's incredibly intense counseling session today that I had to spend the rest of the day all to myself and much of tonight in my 'Man Cave" for his question at the end literally shoock me to my core like nothing before. I had to call someone on my cell phone to debrief which I often do when needed.
I'm not sure when my light bulb is going to have enough voltage anytime soon, to light up. Maybe Pam or Sis will have some insights to bear. Nite, I'll let you know something if my light bulb comes on in time :)
I believe my one or two posts asked for more information and also called for both patience and prayer unitl we both knew much more and until Josephine came back. IMHO, this is not one of those situations where I percieve a "take no prisoners version" of encouragement is warrented. However, I might be wrong, but I'm waiting for more information and until then I'm going to listen and wait until a light bulb goes off in my head so the speak.
Daniel, I wasn't faulting you in any way. I just noticed that nearly all the men who responded to Josephine felt the matter was more cut and dried than did the women who responded. I guess this is why it is said that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. We just look at things differently. I know my husband has never understand why I am concerned about certain issues in the world and I don't understand why he can't see the issues. I think it is good that Josephine can read responses coming from both Mars and Venus. And my hat is off to all the men out there who are caregivers. Usually the role falls to women, even if they are also trying to hold down a job outside the home and/or are raising a family. Good on you fellows. I hope someone will look after you when the time comes that you need care.
Joesphine, what lcs said about the german parents..I went through that stuff as well, my dad never could find anything nice to say either, always grumping...but what I said above still applies...you have to make it for yourself. My parents did not do any planning either, my dad's tax man talked him into having in added to the deed and having a POA done years ago... BLESS THAT TAX MAN! So I know what kinda Dad you got.
I am also curious about the poster's age. If they were so abused they should have left the household years ago. I did! And yeah I am back in the picture now as most caregivers are. But first of all it is up to you now to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps and make a LIFE DECISION.....you gonna bail or help with your mom. Leaving aside that daddy dearest may be a pr*ck...you just ignore him and do the best for your mom. I would hang in there and get yourself A BETTER JOB while you have a roof over your shoulder. If you are in a deadbeat job well that's your decision...did you not take the job? Okay then find a way to better yourself at the same time staying at home and taking care of MOM you hear what I say MOM not DAD. Let him whine and be a butt if he wants to but just take care of mom. Abusive families sometimes make children a dependent of the family where they feel they cannot leave or better themselves from years of manipulation, guilt complexes and just plain downtrodding. I know the picture quite well. But this is where YOU have to be strong for yourself and recognize his nature for what it is. If you move out now, it may not help you get a better job, because you will be taxed with not having enough monies for day to day issues and that will be on top of the agenda. Stay at home for right now, gear yourself up for a better job and try to help at home. When you do get a better job and save up enough to get out then get out, but guess what you still will have to help with caregiving, cause guess what he's the next to go downhill and if he's a pain in the arse now, just wait till the aging disease get's to him. I hope they have long term care or a lot built up in retirement, cause it seems they are heading for a Retirement facility if you cannot figure your own life out...sorry but that's life!
Ed wants to get to the truth of the matter (as I guess we all do so that we can be fair to all concerned) so, Josephine, how about trying to give us some more facts. How long did you live on your own? Why did you move back home? Was there some sort of an agreement drawn up when you moved back home? As I asked before, did your parents want you back home because they didn't like to have you living on your own because you were female? Does your culture have something to do with you living at home? Etc. etc. We really do need to know as much as possible before we can give you well-considered answers to your question as to whether or not we think (but of course do not KNOW for sure) if you have the right to say "enough and move on" as you suggested. I think if you do not or cannot tell us more so that we have a clearer picture of the situation, there is not much use in this thread continuing. I am sure we all wish the best for your whole family.