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Yesterday afternoon, with her son and best friend at her side, my mum took her last breath. It was peaceful and she was surrounded by love.
I had stayed with her from Thursday afternoon until that Friday morning. Then, I felt I needed to go home and rest, but I stayed away too long.
I said to myself that Mum was waiting for her son to be with her, but I know that's just one of the many lies we tell ourselves to feel better.
I am talking myself round to stop feeling bad about little things like that, and I know it will get easier with time. What I can't quite understand is why I feel a little numb.
I sobbed when I went into the bedroom and saw that Mum was gone, and I have cried a few short times since, so it's not that I feel nothing. What I can't reconcile is that everything just feels normal. There's no difference between the world without Mum in it from how it was with Mum in it.
I can't see the ripples where she slipped beneath the surface. It's too smooth, too quickly.
I don't want Mum's passing to be dismissed, as if she had never been and never made a mark on this world (my world). Is this a usual reaction? Will I ever feel this important moment more fully?

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I was at my mom's bedside every day during my mom's last week. I sat there for hours thinking that just before she passed something significant would happen that would give me closure.

As it turned out the night she died I only stayed for 4 hours and then decided to leave early. I had a feeling she might die that night but I just couldn't sit there anymore. When they called to say she had passed I felt sad I wasn't there but relief that she was finally at peace.

In retrospect I know nothing monumental would have happened had I been there. In fact I think her soul had already left long before her body did. She knew I loved her while she was alive. That's what is important

There is no right or wrong in these situations Mia. Be at peace.
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Reply to Gershun
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MiaMoor Aug 30, 2024
Thank you.
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When the nursing home called us to report my grandmother’s life was finally ending, my mom and I were 120 miles away at my vacation home. My mother surprised me by saying “I don’t think I want to be there”. She had cared for my grandmother for over a decade by then. She said she didn’t think she could handle it. I remember driving to a store and walking around for a half hour while she waited in the car, hoping she would mull it over and change her mind. She didn’t. I didn’t push her. My grandmother had had Alzheimer’s for close to 10 years by then, and had been an empty vessel for the last four years or so. Being present at the end is over-glorified in movies, where everyone says what needs to be said and it wraps up into a poignant and satisfying ending. Some people may be fortunate enough to get that, but with those who have had dementia or been ill, they have been leaving us for so long that we are essentially saying good bye to their physical presence and now they are sleeping permanently. We’ve often been mourning their loss for years by then. Having been present at the death of my grandfather, I can attest that in his final moments, he was on his own journey. He might have known I was in the room at the start, but it certainly didn’t matter in the final minutes. I do think they sometimes wait for a loved one to be present, but I think they also wait for a loved one to be away when they pass. I’m certain my grandfather waited for my grandmother to leave the room before he passed. He knew how difficult it would be for her. It’s possible your mother did the same. But I think our being there at the end is mostly for us, not them. It verifies what is sometimes hard to accept.

Do not feel guilty about your choice. I don’t know how long your road has been, but you sound burned out, and overtired. Don’t worry about feeling nothing; it will come when you are ready. As the ones who must go on, we need to do what’s best for us. We’ve put them first for so long. Their battle is finished, they have found their peace, and thank God for that.
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MiaMoor Aug 28, 2024
Every word you have written is true.
Thank you for your insights, Monomoyick.
I hope that you found peace after losing your loved ones.
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Not only do they wait for a particular person or persons to come but they will often wait until a particular loved one or even everyone has left the room before they die.
I was told by the Hospice Nurse that death can be a private thing and if they want no one near they will wait until someone has gone to get a glass of water, go to the bathroom or take a phone call. She even told me that a person will ask for a glass of water or something in particular so the person has to leave the room.
That is the way your mom wanted it.
As to the "ripples" ... Wait.
You will see ripples when you have her wake and funeral. The number of people that you may not even know will show up. Your mom touched each one of those people in some way. And the number of people that she came in contact with that never knew her, And if you take that a step further, each person YOU have come in contact with has been effected indirectly by your mom since she influenced you.
I am sorry for your loss.

Here are 2 quotes I keep by my computer and I share them pretty often
"Grief never ends.
But it changes
It's a passage, not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness
nor a lack of faith
It is the price of love"
and
"Crying is a way your eyes speak when your mouth can't explain how broken your heart is."
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MiaMoor Aug 25, 2024
That was really beautiful, Grandma1954. My eyes are "speaking" now.
Thank you for your thoughts on the ripples.
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Mia, I am so sorry for your loss. As others have said, the numbness is normal, a coping mechanism to help us survive so that we don't go to pieces at the very time when we have so many things to take care of. We've been influenced by the movies to look for something monumental. But in real life, closure often comes little by little, or perhaps the right moment in the future will trigger it. You have my prayers.
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MiaMoor Aug 30, 2024
Thanks, Landscaping.
I'm reassured to find that this is a normal reaction and won't, necessarily, last.
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Mia - so sorry for your loss. My dad died one day before your mom. Like your mother, my dad was not alone. I was not there either. I would have wanted to be.

I also feel numb and like this world is too "normal" and quiet. I really thought when my dad died that such a significant and poignant moment like that would certainly create a hole so huge in this world that it could not function. Something would go amiss, or there would be an odd power outage or string of thunderstorms, but no.

I think it is too much for anyone to process all at once. It hits us on every level and is a shock. I think it will just take time, and we will work through it at our own pace. Maybe if the world did not stop, perhaps somewhere in our psyche we stopped to pause and sort through it all.

Take your time. Whatever you are feeling now or not feeling is OK.

Also, for what it is worth - regardless of whether we were by their side when they passed away or not, I think what matters most is that we were there for them in their life. How we showed up for them, supported them in the final days, and during all the years we had them when they were healthy is really the best stuff.
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golden23 Aug 26, 2024
(((((hugs))))) ginger. So sorry for your loss.Deepest condolences. I agree - you were there for them all along and they knew that.
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Mia, her passing was exactly as it should have been. You DID NOT stay away to long.

It is normal to feel thankful that the suffering is over, it is normal to not feel the profound loss right away, it is normal to question if what we are feeling is normal. You will be okay and, you are your moms legacy, she left you and that means her life will live on in you, your brother and your children.

May The Lord give you strength, peace and comfort during this new season in life.
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MiaMoor Aug 24, 2024
Thank you for your words of reassurance, Isthisreallyreal. I sometimes forget that we are still part of Mum:)
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First thing, don’t stress about not being there at the end. Your M wasn’t alone, and chances are that right at the end she was not (or barely) conscious. You were there when it mattered. I also missed the last breath for my M, many or most people do.

Last thing, give yourself some time and space. The time after a death is usually very busy, crowded with tasks and people. Wait until this hard time passes to see “the ripples where she slipped beneath the surface”. They will be there for the rest of your life.

That’s what it was like for me too.

PS Most mothers miss the baby's first breath too (it's at the doctor's end of the proceedings). The life is what matters.
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MiaMoor Aug 27, 2024
Thanks Margaret. You're right, of course, it is the life that matters and how we treat each other during that time. It can be too easy to lose sight of what's important and get hung up on the little stuff.
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Everyone's story is different. I admire you for knowing that we all eventually pass away. You accepted the fact that your mom couldn't live forever and you should be at peace with everything. You should not have any regrets about your mother's death. You may smell a fragrance or hear a song that will make you sob. That is okay too. Don't question your grief! We all grieve differently.
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MiaMoor Aug 30, 2024
Thanks Onlychild.
In fact, your moniker has triggered one of those moments: a memory of Mum singing "I'm nobody's child". I don't know why - it just came to me.
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I have not been through the pain you are feeling yet, but we all know that time will come - no matter how we try to block it out. I think what you are feeling is very normal. It has to be very disorienting to watch the world just go on around you while inside you feel such a hole in your heart. It just seems like things should stop for a minute. Be kind to yourself and work your way through one day at a time.
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MiaMoor Aug 30, 2024
Thank you Jem.

I'm trying to stop looking ahead and just living in the moment, for a while, taking one day at a time. I didn't realise before that it wasn't in my nature!
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As a retired RN I will tell you that the patient is in control of when they pass. So many hang on waiting for a special person and many times they hang on til a loved one leaves. Everything happened as it was supposed to.
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MiaMoor Aug 30, 2024
That's interesting, Cruiseforever.
You must have seen a lot in your job.
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