Saying goodbye to Mum. Will I ever feel this important moment more fully?

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Saying goodbye to Mum. Will I ever feel this important moment more fully?

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Yesterday afternoon, with her son and best friend at her side, my mum took her last breath. It was peaceful and she was surrounded by love.
I had stayed with her from Thursday afternoon until that Friday morning. Then, I felt I needed to go home and rest, but I stayed away too long.
I said to myself that Mum was waiting for her son to be with her, but I know that's just one of the many lies we tell ourselves to feel better.
I am talking myself round to stop feeling bad about little things like that, and I know it will get easier with time. What I can't quite understand is why I feel a little numb.
I sobbed when I went into the bedroom and saw that Mum was gone, and I have cried a few short times since, so it's not that I feel nothing. What I can't reconcile is that everything just feels normal. There's no difference between the world without Mum in it from how it was with Mum in it.
I can't see the ripples where she slipped beneath the surface. It's too smooth, too quickly.
I don't want Mum's passing to be dismissed, as if she had never been and never made a mark on this world (my world). Is this a usual reaction? Will I ever feel this important moment more fully?

End of Life Grief Mental Health

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I have experience the death of several family and friends each one was different. Each one I remember their lives different and how they affected me. Friends, loved ones, family close or near. You will go through the grieving process YOUR way. You say you feel everything is normal - this is how you are handling the grief. That's okay this is your reaction. You ask if you will ever feel this important more fully - no one can tell you only you can.

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Reply to Ohwow323

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Thank you for your reassurance, Ohwow.
I hope that you have found peace, after losing loved ones.

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The question you posed actually helped me. Because I think that's how I may feel.

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Reply to TakeFoxAway

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I'm glad that it helped you, as well, TakeFoxAway.
We're all different, yet so similar. Our experiences and reactions to them connect us, even though we may never meet.

My condolences to you at this sad time. I hope you find the strength to get through this.

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When I posted twice... erased once!

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Reply to OldArkie

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I think that it looked as if you'd posted twice, but hadn't. So, your erased comment has disappeared :(

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Reactions and feeling of a loved one passing as as individual as the person experiencing them.

'Try" to stay present. This will help with your grieving.

Feeling numb is very natural feelings when an emotional event to this magnitude happens; it is a way for your psyche to protect itself and take care of you - and all that you are going through. Be present. Return to presence. Over and over again.
Stop beating yourself up with the 'what ifs'.

A hospice nurse and a psychiatrist (separate organizations/people) told me that 'often' a person goes when their loved one isn't there as a way to shield them from that pain. (This happened to me). I am not saying that your mom did this - or somewhere in her - that was intentional, desired, or possible - however I believe a person dying knows it is eminent and has some ... ability to manage when that moment will happen. Your mom was protecting you.

I share in your grief and extend my deepest sympathies to you and your family.

Gena / Touch Matters

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Reply to TouchMatters

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Thank you, Gena.
Mum was afraid of losing herself, so I'd like to think that she had some agency in her last moments.

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As a retired RN I will tell you that the patient is in control of when they pass. So many hang on waiting for a special person and many times they hang on til a loved one leaves. Everything happened as it was supposed to.

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Reply to Cruiseforever

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That's interesting, Cruiseforever.
You must have seen a lot in your job.

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Blessings to you.

The grief will come.

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Reply to southiebella

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Thanks, Southiebella.

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I have not been through the pain you are feeling yet, but we all know that time will come - no matter how we try to block it out. I think what you are feeling is very normal. It has to be very disorienting to watch the world just go on around you while inside you feel such a hole in your heart. It just seems like things should stop for a minute. Be kind to yourself and work your way through one day at a time.

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Reply to jemfleming

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Thank you Jem.

I'm trying to stop looking ahead and just living in the moment, for a while, taking one day at a time. I didn't realise before that it wasn't in my nature!

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Everyone's story is different. I admire you for knowing that we all eventually pass away. You accepted the fact that your mom couldn't live forever and you should be at peace with everything. You should not have any regrets about your mother's death. You may smell a fragrance or hear a song that will make you sob. That is okay too. Don't question your grief! We all grieve differently.

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Reply to Onlychild2024

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Thanks Onlychild.
In fact, your moniker has triggered one of those moments: a memory of Mum singing "I'm nobody's child". I don't know why - it just came to me.

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Mia, I am so sorry for your loss. As others have said, the numbness is normal, a coping mechanism to help us survive so that we don't go to pieces at the very time when we have so many things to take care of. We've been influenced by the movies to look for something monumental. But in real life, closure often comes little by little, or perhaps the right moment in the future will trigger it. You have my prayers.

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Reply to landscaping

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Thanks, Landscaping.
I'm reassured to find that this is a normal reaction and won't, necessarily, last.

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Lost my Dad 3 years ago. I can tell you that the pain of loss changes over time. Forgive yourself for being human and feel whatever it is that you feel. Your Mum knew you loved her. She knew you were the one that was there for her when it counted. Take comfort in happier memories and share her story with the family when you are able. I wish you peace.

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Reply to RealMary

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Thanks, Real Mary, for those comforting words.

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It is common in grief support to charge you with a little task. Write one final letter to mom expressing joy and regret. You can hold it for a while but eventually, you should find a place for the letter in a burning ceremony. The time you write this is up to you.

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Reply to MACinCT

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Thank you for this idea. It's lovely.

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I was at my mom's bedside every day during my mom's last week. I sat there for hours thinking that just before she passed something significant would happen that would give me closure.

As it turned out the night she died I only stayed for 4 hours and then decided to leave early. I had a feeling she might die that night but I just couldn't sit there anymore. When they called to say she had passed I felt sad I wasn't there but relief that she was finally at peace.

In retrospect I know nothing monumental would have happened had I been there. In fact I think her soul had already left long before her body did. She knew I loved her while she was alive. That's what is important

There is no right or wrong in these situations Mia. Be at peace.

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Reply to Gershun

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Thank you.

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It is normal to feel a WIDE range of emotions

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Reply to XenaJada

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So true. Thank you, XenaJada.

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When the nursing home called us to report my grandmother’s life was finally ending, my mom and I were 120 miles away at my vacation home. My mother surprised me by saying “I don’t think I want to be there”. She had cared for my grandmother for over a decade by then. She said she didn’t think she could handle it. I remember driving to a store and walking around for a half hour while she waited in the car, hoping she would mull it over and change her mind. She didn’t. I didn’t push her. My grandmother had had Alzheimer’s for close to 10 years by then, and had been an empty vessel for the last four years or so. Being present at the end is over-glorified in movies, where everyone says what needs to be said and it wraps up into a poignant and satisfying ending. Some people may be fortunate enough to get that, but with those who have had dementia or been ill, they have been leaving us for so long that we are essentially saying good bye to their physical presence and now they are sleeping permanently. We’ve often been mourning their loss for years by then. Having been present at the death of my grandfather, I can attest that in his final moments, he was on his own journey. He might have known I was in the room at the start, but it certainly didn’t matter in the final minutes. I do think they sometimes wait for a loved one to be present, but I think they also wait for a loved one to be away when they pass. I’m certain my grandfather waited for my grandmother to leave the room before he passed. He knew how difficult it would be for her. It’s possible your mother did the same. But I think our being there at the end is mostly for us, not them. It verifies what is sometimes hard to accept.

Do not feel guilty about your choice. I don’t know how long your road has been, but you sound burned out, and overtired. Don’t worry about feeling nothing; it will come when you are ready. As the ones who must go on, we need to do what’s best for us. We’ve put them first for so long. Their battle is finished, they have found their peace, and thank God for that.

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Reply to Monomoyick

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Every word you have written is true.
Thank you for your insights, Monomoyick.
I hope that you found peace after losing your loved ones.

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So sorry for your loss.

You were there for Mom.

Blessings to you.

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Reply to brandee

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Thank you for your kind words, Brandee.

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Give yourself - and others - huge amounts of grace. You - and her other loved ones - will go through the grief process as described by Dr. Kubler-Ross:
stage 1 - denial = that feeling that this loss hasn't happened.

stage 2 - anger = feeling slighted or that you were denied something in this loss: more time together, a proper good bye...

stage 3 - bargaining = feeling that if I do _____, it will make things better.

stage 4 - depression = feeling sadness that this loss is permanent.

stage 5 - acceptance = able to accept the loss and not fall apart, but move on with your life.

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Reply to Taarna

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Thank you, Taarna.
I had heard about the stages of grief, but didn't know what they were. I suppose we all go through something similar, in varying degrees.

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Mia, your words touched me, you express your heart in a beautiful way. I'm sorry for your loss. You are beginning a journey that only you can take. It is different for us all, and yet in that difference we can also find support, love, and encouragement.

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Reply to graygrammie

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Thank you, graygrammie.
I agree with you about us all finding "support, love, and encouragement". I appreciate the kindness and wisdom, even the straight talking, that I have found here.

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Mia - so sorry for your loss. My dad died one day before your mom. Like your mother, my dad was not alone. I was not there either. I would have wanted to be.

I also feel numb and like this world is too "normal" and quiet. I really thought when my dad died that such a significant and poignant moment like that would certainly create a hole so huge in this world that it could not function. Something would go amiss, or there would be an odd power outage or string of thunderstorms, but no.

I think it is too much for anyone to process all at once. It hits us on every level and is a shock. I think it will just take time, and we will work through it at our own pace. Maybe if the world did not stop, perhaps somewhere in our psyche we stopped to pause and sort through it all.

Take your time. Whatever you are feeling now or not feeling is OK.

Also, for what it is worth - regardless of whether we were by their side when they passed away or not, I think what matters most is that we were there for them in their life. How we showed up for them, supported them in the final days, and during all the years we had them when they were healthy is really the best stuff.

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Reply to GingerMay

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(((((hugs))))) ginger. So sorry for your loss.Deepest condolences. I agree - you were there for them all along and they knew that.

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Mia, So sorry for your loss. (((hugs))))

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Reply to Hothouseflower

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Thanks for the hugs, Hothouseflower. We all need them, so right back at you:)

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First thing, don’t stress about not being there at the end. Your M wasn’t alone, and chances are that right at the end she was not (or barely) conscious. You were there when it mattered. I also missed the last breath for my M, many or most people do.

Last thing, give yourself some time and space. The time after a death is usually very busy, crowded with tasks and people. Wait until this hard time passes to see “the ripples where she slipped beneath the surface”. They will be there for the rest of your life.

That’s what it was like for me too.

PS Most mothers miss the baby's first breath too (it's at the doctor's end of the proceedings). The life is what matters.

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Reply to MargaretMcKen

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Thanks Margaret. You're right, of course, it is the life that matters and how we treat each other during that time. It can be too easy to lose sight of what's important and get hung up on the little stuff.

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((((Mia))))) Numbness is the first stage of grief. I know it's weird to feel like everything is normal at this time. This will pass. it's the body/mind's way of protecting you from this big loss. Often it lasts about 3 months, then a fuller sense of grief will kick in.

I agree that you are never totally finished with grieving a big loss, but time and doing your work of grief (which includes tears) softens it considerably. You may find you live your life around your grief for the first year or two, then your grief fits around your life.

May God bless you at this difficult time.

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Reply to golden23

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Thanks, Golden. That makes sense.
Mum was such a big part of my life, I really couldn't understand how I wasn't feeling the hole where she was. I am now trying to take it a day at a time, as I was advised above.

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Condolences on your loss .
I think you did a lot of grieving before Mom even died . You were expecting it to happen . I think it’s a lot different when someone suddenly out of the blue dies .

It may become more real in a bit of time . Everyone’s grief experience is different . I felt the same way . It became more real during and after the funeral was over and I cleaned out Moms AL . Then there was adjustment to life without visiting Mom .

I don’t know that you would feel any less numb if you had been there for her last breath . I wouldn’t overthink it . The grieving will happen the way it happens . There is no right way to feel .

I know my father waited for my brother to finally come . Dad rallied for the day , eating his first meal in days , slipped into a coma the next day . I stayed with him , he waited until I left and he was alone to pass away.

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Reply to waytomisery

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You're absolutely right, wayto, I did grieve long before Mum died. In fact, I'd grieved losing the person she was 13 years ago, when she had her stroke.
Thank you for helping me gain a better perspective.

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You were there when it counted! My deepest condolences for the loss of your beloved mum. I hope wonderful memories of your time together will comfort you.

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Reply to SnoopyLove

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Thank you for your kind words, SnoopyLove.

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Not only do they wait for a particular person or persons to come but they will often wait until a particular loved one or even everyone has left the room before they die.
I was told by the Hospice Nurse that death can be a private thing and if they want no one near they will wait until someone has gone to get a glass of water, go to the bathroom or take a phone call. She even told me that a person will ask for a glass of water or something in particular so the person has to leave the room.
That is the way your mom wanted it.
As to the "ripples" ... Wait.
You will see ripples when you have her wake and funeral. The number of people that you may not even know will show up. Your mom touched each one of those people in some way. And the number of people that she came in contact with that never knew her, And if you take that a step further, each person YOU have come in contact with has been effected indirectly by your mom since she influenced you.
I am sorry for your loss.

Here are 2 quotes I keep by my computer and I share them pretty often
"Grief never ends.
But it changes
It's a passage, not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness
nor a lack of faith
It is the price of love"
and
"Crying is a way your eyes speak when your mouth can't explain how broken your heart is."

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Reply to Grandma1954

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That was really beautiful, Grandma1954. My eyes are "speaking" now.
Thank you for your thoughts on the ripples.

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They do wait for that one person. My Mom died about a week after Hospice came on board. A week before that she had closed her eyes and then would not get out of bed. Then she couldn't swallow. I did not spend 24/7 at my mothers side. I visited every day. The staff had told me who visited. Her last day I took my disabled nephew with me. He had been living with her. He had not seen her yet. We sat for awhile, he talking to her and holding her hand. We left she was pronounced dead 20 min later. When we went to pick up her stuff the next day, the nurse asked me if my nephew was the last one to see her. I said yes andc
she said it happens all the time. They just need to see that one person and then let go. When family members say "why are they still here" she will ask if there is someone who can't be here. They say yes, but they live far away. She tells them, get them on the phone to say goodbye. The phone is put up to the dying person's ear, the person on the other end says goodbye. The person then passes sometime later.

You could have gone to the bathroom and Mom would have died. My Moms friend was being discharged. Her daughter left the room for a few minutes and when she came back, her Mom had passed.

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Reply to JoAnn29

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That's really moving, JoAnn.

My brother couldn't get there until Friday, but the district nurse expected Mum to pass by Thursday, at the latest. So, perhaps she was waiting for him. I was glad he could be there.

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Thank you so much for all your words of wisdom, kindness and reassurance. They mean so much.

We're all strangers here, sending good thoughts out to others and giving support to people across the oceans. I am grateful to everyone on this forum for all the wonderful messages I have read to others which have also given me strength over the last few months.

I hope the same for all of you, as you have wished for me: peace, strength and acceptance. Xx

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Reply to MiaMoor

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I was absolutely numb after my mom passed. I left her room for a few minutes to call my brother to tell him she was not doing well. When I returned, she was gone, having taken her last breath alone. I was devastated, after trying so hard for many years to take care of everything I could. I told myself, the minute she really needed me, I was not there. I had weeks afterwards unable to cry. Almost like it happened to someone else.

I ended up in counseling and now it has been almost two years. Time is a wonderful healer. I am able to understand the circumstances better without the raw grief (yes..,and the feeling of guilt). I can rationally look at all I did do and forgive myself for not being perfect (perfection is impossible).

Numbness is normal. Grief will come and can affect you in so many ways. I would be fine one minute and crying the next, for no reason. Sleep soundly and then have a restless night. Take one day at a time.

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Reply to Msblcb

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I'm so sorry for what you went through, but I'm so glad that you have come through the other side.
I will take your advice and try to take this one day at a time. Thank you:)

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My condolences on the loss of your dear mom Mia. I personally went home from moms Memory Care before she took her last breath. I did not want to be left with that final memory of her branded in my brain. Besides, I believe the soul leaves the body long before the body takes its final breath anyway, to watch the happenings at the bedside. In perfect peace and happiness. You did nothing wrong and were there for mom in her final days and during her entire LIFE! Why do people think it's only important to be with a person as they die? How about as they LIVE?

Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.

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Reply to lealonnie1

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Thanks, Lealonnie.
I think that's a lovely thought, that Mum could see how much she was loved in her last moments. I can understand how you felt with your mum. And I agree, how we treat people in life is important. :)

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I’m so sorry for your loss. Don’t be hard on yourself for anything you feel or don’t feel, any of your random thoughts are valid at this point. My mother has now been gone a long time, sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one who thinks of her and remembers her, though I know it’s not true. Life immediately does go on the minute any one of us leaves it, and when that strikes close to home it’s hard to process. I wish you healing and peace in the days and weeks to come

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Reply to Daughterof1930

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"I wonder if I’m the only one who thinks of her and remembers her"

That's exactly what I'm afraid of, Daughterof1930. I have told my mum's husband that there should be a wake after the funeral (he doesn't see the point), as I feel we need to share the memories of Mum and celebrate her life. My daughter is taking that in hand for me - she's much better at talking her grandad round:)

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Mia, her passing was exactly as it should have been. You DID NOT stay away to long.

It is normal to feel thankful that the suffering is over, it is normal to not feel the profound loss right away, it is normal to question if what we are feeling is normal. You will be okay and, you are your moms legacy, she left you and that means her life will live on in you, your brother and your children.

May The Lord give you strength, peace and comfort during this new season in life.

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Reply to Isthisrealyreal

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Thank you for your words of reassurance, Isthisreallyreal. I sometimes forget that we are still part of Mum:)

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Saying goodbye to Mum. Will I ever feel this important moment more fully?

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