Scapegoat here, dad on hospice, dysfunction everywhere. Do I just stay out and avoid further turmoil?
My parent’s ALF called yesterday to inform me that my dad was going on hospice. He has COPD and CHF and signs of dementia. Mom is in stage six dementia.
Six weeks ago, dad was advised to go to the hospital to have fluid drained as treatment for CHF. He refused. He said he was done with “doctors poking around”. I supported his decision. We discussed hospice at that time. Both I and my sister were POA. I was medical POA.
My sister however said hospice was the wrong decision and took my dad to ER. She is my parent’s golden child, and they never say no to her. I do not know what occurred in ER, but I saw my dad the following day at the ALF, and he told me a doctor listened to his heart and lungs and said he was fine, and my sister brought him back. Dad was not admitted. He said he was fine. I did not argue.
At the same time, my sister informed me she had an attorney meet my parents at the ALF and had them revise their POA to be only her. They removed my name. She also revised their will and estate plan. I was appalled. I told her I assumed that meant she wanted to handle everything on her own. She told me she did not need me. She said I had been useless and even stated my husband had been of no use. I told her I was offended and was backing out. She was just yelling at me, and I hung up.
My parents moved to an ALF four months ago. Prior to that, I had not spoken to my sister in over six years. I told her six years ago she had been mean and cruel and I would not tolerate it. I still recall her laughing at me as I hung up the phone then. My parents became bitter toward me for distancing and blamed me for “creating a rift” in the family. When I tried to explain, nobody understood. I ended up limiting contact with my parents but was still dedicated to fulfilling my role as POA.
I believe dad is near the end. I do not want to visit and be ambushed by my sister and attacked verbally or be ganged up on. I would like to see him in his final days, but I feel like I have been pushed out. I feel like I have no place. I guess no one needs me for anything. I would like peace, but they are not peaceful. Do I just stay out and avoid further turmoil?
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Your whole story, is good for me to prepare myself for what could come from my golden child brother. So thank you for that.
So I'm going to tell you what I will hope I'll do, I'd walk away, you did everything you could do. Is the drama of your family worth your mental health and stability. Do you care what your family says about you behind your back. Are they going to say Apple didn't even visit dad in hospice. Who cares what they say there feelings should be nothing to you. Also I'm very sorry about your dad, I should of said that sooner.
As I said do what you feel is best for you. If you think seeing your dad one more time is best for you then you should, but if you don't then don't and please have no guilt for it. You did the best you could do, giving the circumstances of your family.
I'm just playing things by ear with my family, I'm getting more and more distance, seeing who they are without foggy goggles on any more.
Best of luck, so sorry your going through all this
I assume these family issues go way back to before your parents even needed this level of care.
The behaviors are not going to change after all of this time.
So maybe it's time to look at all of the variable outcomes and decide which one you can live with the most.
Will you never be able to forgive yourself should dad die before you get a chance to see him? Or will it hurt you more to go and see dad, only to be "scapegoat-ed" by your family?
Were it me, I would go and see dad, especially if I thought he was "near the end" as you say; however, the second anyone started to "ambush" me, I would say "well, I gotta go now" and leave without engaging. I could at least then look in the mirror and know I tried my best, which is all anyone can expect of themselves.
One thing is for sure - you will never have the peace you crave as long as you keep engaging in this behavior with your family. If the only way you can not engage is to stay away and cut contact, that might be what you have to do. Only you are going to be able to make that decision for yourself. We can give you advice, but in the end, everyone's family dynamics are different, and only you know the extent of your family's. Anyone who has ever dealt with difficult family members will not blame you one bit for saying your good-byes to dad silently in your heart and avoiding the drama of in-person visits.
I would call the AL and ask when your sister visits. Then I would go when she is not there. If she happens tobshow up abd starts something, I would say nothing, kiss my parents goodbye and leave.
My concern now is not your manipulative Sis or your parents who are open in their aging to being manipulated. My concern is YOUR peace when they are gone.
Stay out of Sister's way. Visit when you check first that she is not there. Stay briefly. Be kind. Leave if she comes after hugs for Mom and Dad.
That said, I agree with the advice to go to see you dad when your sister is not there just to be with him and tell him whatever it is you want to say, not about the current situation necessarily. But whatever message you want to leave him with in case it is the last time. This is at least as much for your own peace of mind after he passes as anything else.
best wishes to you. I am sorry for all the strife on top of aging parents.
I also believe the reason for all this is that a framework was built decades ago and I will never re- program the system.
So sometimes it feels like all family's are like this, but there not, it's just all us lucky ones the need support the most
So as others mention, I would say its best to see both Mom and Dad as much as you want to and can, avoid sister, avoid the drama. If dad is near the end one way or another, is it worth it for you to get embroiled in conflict?
So I would say avoid turmoil, but do see them as much as you want to, assuming that is possible. Not sure its worth fighting the legal battles / POA battles etc at this time...... When your Dad passes and then its just taking care of Mom, you can re-evaluate the situation at that time...