My mom absolutely refuses to go to a home but I have been told by her Doctors, Hospital, Home and Health Care Agencies, Social Services and Emergency Personnel that have been to the house 6 times so far this year that she needs to be put in a home. She has diagnosed Dementia and severe Arthritis along w/ other medical issues including a very bad back. I have been her full time caretaker for over 3 years and I don't know what to do. I can't work because she is more that a full time job and I don't have any relatives to help me.
So, Whirlpool, I feel for you! I literally did all that i could to get my father to the ER. Posters had told me that eventually the pain will drive father to seek help. And they were right!
I live in a US Protectorate like you. Our village mayer has numbers for all govt agencies and can refer us to places. Everyone seems to send us to the Senior Citizen Division. It's a local govt dept. It has the Adult Protective services, the Meals-on-wheels program, the Ohmbudsman, etc.... They put all agencies in one area that deals with senior citizens.
We have been using the gov't caregivers who provide 4 hours a week service. What we have done is instead of using all 4 hours in one afternoon (so that the caregiver can go watch a movie matinee or shopping, etc..) - we asked to spread it out for 1 hour each day (Mon-thursday) for them to sponge bath mom (passed away in March) and Father. Also under the local/federal govt is the Caregiver's Respite program. Call and ask around! Hope this helps.
You can only do what you can do. I would not be angry with her or disappointed with yourself. Unfortunately, we don't have an easy way to keep your elder at home (where most wish to be) if you have limited financial resources and are an only child caring for them 24/7. I pray that we improve our care of the elderly and their caregivers in this century. Perhaps the huge amount of elderly from the baby boom in the next 10-30 yrs will cause the change. As a baby boomer myself I hope we can leave a better system of elder care than we inherited. The current care level is poor for working class and lower middle class elders. It just is.
God bless you I know how it feels to be torn up emotionally in this problem.
Elizabeth
Her income in March, and was moved into the retirement home mid-March, we sold her home in May, (I had POA, a Godsend). She was not mentally able to make decisions, nor phycally able even to pack her things. She is just now asking "who moved me here? I don't remember packing or unpacking". I tell her we did it and her step children helped with the moving. She is just realizing all we have had to do for her and still try to see her nearly every day and deal with her anger, yelling, hopelessness, etc. she doesn't remember all that defiance, so I'm not going to say too much, she would feel awful that she treated us that way! I am so thankful that I hung in there and stood by her. After 6 weeks or so I saw her changing. She has a fairly nice two room apt, with a walk in closet, a small fridge, sink and cabinets for snacks, drinks, cereal, etc. 3 meals if she wants 3,
Got to keep her dog. it took me months to find a place I felt she would accept.
So folks start as soon as you know it's going that way looking and asking questions. I am content that it is the best for her and we even help some with the expenses so she could have a separate bedroom and most of her things. (she'd rather be on the giving end but will have to accept that she can't do that anymore. That could be part of their anger, don't you think?)
Explain to her that the care she needs is beyond what you can do. Her care requires the efforts of more than one person. If her response to that information is still refusing to go to a home, then she has removed herself from the decision making process.
Dementia removes our parents' ability to understand (in any meaningful way) the impact they are having on others, even those they love. We, their adult children, can't seem to stop expecting them to behave like parents; to consider our feelings, to care about our well-being. It's especially difficult because, on the surface, they often still act like parents; warning us to 'be careful' and 'take care', worrying about us. But functionally they are toddlers, only able to be content when they feel all their needs and desires are met. They're also like toddlers in that they are incapable of making logical decisions. They can only verbalize what they think they want and what they think will make them happy.
Call her doctor, get the ball rolling. Good luck.
Take Care,
Anksana-Moon
then Medicare will pay for the first 21. If she had more than $75,000. in assets go see an Elder Law Attorney for Medicaid Planning. He/you might suggest paying for some expenses Now ie. funeral arrangements, final house repairs in order to sell. See an Certificed Elder Law Attorney before the facts not after the facts. Also I really like the way Caddygirl55 answered this question. Because moving parents or relatives into the new facility is almost always overwelming.