My FIL is 75 and has depression and pseudodementia, with some possible vascular dementia. The past few months he has threatened to set the barn on fire when he doesn't get his way. One afternoon out of the blue, he very calmly told my MIL that "Some day you are going to wake up, and you will look out the window and have a big surprise, because that barn is going to be on fire." He explained to her that he was angry about us taking his ladder away so he was "just going to set the whole damn thing on fire". I alerted his psychiatrist and he admitted to her that he said that and that he might actually do it. Instead of admitting him, she got him started on TMS (he's already been on meds). About a month later, when I was driving him to his psych appt, he was angry that his wife refused to give him a hair cut (it's not true, he was just confused) and he said to me "I think I know what I need to do..." and I asked him what but he wouldn't tell me. I asked him if it was illegal and he smirked "That's for you to find out!" I asked him if he was talking about setting the barn on fire again, and he admitted he was. I tried to talk him out of it, we had a whole conversation about it. At the doctor's office, I alerted the staff and they were very rude to me but he did talk to a staff member and his doctor. I wasn't invited into the conversation. Apparently he admitted to the threat to the doctor but refused to go to a psych hospital, so they just gave him back to me to take home because "he didn't really mean it". He was furious at me of course.
My question is, how seriously should I take this? He is mentally and physically capable of starting a fire. My house is right next door to his and we live in a fire-prone rural area. Setting a two-story barn on fire would be catastrophic. He's also made threats to sabotage the heavy equipment because he isn't allowed to use it anymore, and even to cut the cord off the hair trimmer! I suspect these are just idle threats, and that's what the doctor believes, but when he was younger, he did actually do nasty things to "punish" people who didn't do what he wanted (he locked his wife out of the house for hours, hid behind a door and poured a 2 liter of soda on her face because she "disobeyed" him, he even took his son's dog and abandoned it in the woods because the dog made him angry. Luckily his wife rescued it). He is absolutely abusive to his wife and always has been- she is his servant/doormat. He threatens to sell the house and take the money away from his wife, or disinherit his wife and son and give the money to charity, but I'm not as worried about that because he doesn't have the mental capacity to even dial a cell phone. And of course he makes suicidal threats. Luckily he voluntarily gave up his guns years ago. We tried to get him to live in AL but he refuses (and would a facility even take him with this kind of behavior?). He's going to a new psychiatrist soon for a second opinion, and me and my husband have a an appointment with our lawyer and a social worker.
Should I be worried for the safety of myself, my home, animals etc? Is this typical of dementia? If his threats mean nothing, how should I respond to them? Should my husband try to get guardianship of him, since he has durable POA? He's been in the hospital a bunch for suicidal threats but when they release him, he's the same.
There’s always someone who doesn’t believe that the person close to them (your FIL) is capable of doing whatever they’re threatening (you). You’ve tried to get help; it wasn’t forthcoming.
Now you MUST take action.
He’s mentally ill and can do the things he’s threatened and more. Are you going to wait until he actually does something? Why would you?
He could kill you. And ones you love. You’d better take it seriously and not delay.
I always think to myself after a mass shooting when the perpetrator kills themself afterwards how nice if they had done that first and saved some lives in the process.
His doctors are required by law to tell someone when a person is making threats to harm another person.
Let the therapist know if they don't do anything and he makes good on said threats they will be legally held responsible.
He needs to be in a mental institution. Good luck.
Do not tell FIL anything. When he makes threats about setting fire to things, record it on your phone. Then call 911 to report him because this would endanger his wife. Arson, even to your own property, is still a crime. EMTs may or may not take him to the hospital since he's already under the care of a psychiatrist. But it will send the message to him that he shouldn't screw with you.
I would work to have his cognition/memory tested by a doctor so that it's in his medical records and there's no doubt what you are dealing with. With DPoA your husband shouldn't need to pursue guardianship, just pursue proving that he's dangerous or incapacitated.
You can also consider involving APS since his wife is a vulnerable person but sounds like she would cover for him. Take pictures of her hoarding, since this is evidence that may prove helpful.
Your husband, if he's tired of playing this game with his Dad, could consider resigning his DPoA and allowing the county to acquire guardianship of your FIL. He won't be able to manipulate the county. That's what happened with my StepFIL. They had him out of his house faster than I ever imagined. Just a thought, but maybe a consultation with an elder law attorney first may be the best starting point... not with the psychiatrist.
Also, might be a good idea to secretly remove all matches and lighters and accelerants from the premises.
IMO, he needs to be placed in a psychiatric home. I would start researching them before it is too late. Plan now.
So sorry about this, he is one scary man.
He's mentally ill. Dementia makes that doubly troubling. It sounds like belongs in a locked facility.
I don't suppose you can all move away and leave him to his own devices, can you?
Have you consulted an elder law attorney about options?
I would be gardening in my front yard and he would walk past my house mumbling, “I love fire! I love fire!” He freaked me out. He was arrested a few times for arson.
We never know what someone will do. Your FIL doesn’t sound very stable to me. I wouldn’t trust him. I would certainly be on guard and wouldn’t hesitate to call 911 whenever I felt that it was necessary.
It’s really easy to talk about things and do nothing. Sometimes, people find it difficult to put action behind their beliefs. Always err on the side of caution and speak up when someone is threatening any harm to others. I admire people who speak up.
There are many news stories about other things like this by demented individuals.
So the chances are good he will do something really bad especially since he was mentally defective before the dementia.
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