Follow
Share

My mom (83) has been receiving care at home for the past two years, with me living a 4 hour drive away. During this time she formed a good relationship with her carers. Dad (also 83) has also been caring, making meals and providing general support when the carers weren't there as my mom cannot walk independently. He, however resented his caregiving role and found the situation to be stressful and overwhelming which resulted in him losing his temper often, and saying unkind things to mom, such as 'why aren't you getting better? ', 'you don't do anything all day'. She kept the situation a secret, sharing it only with me. She finally decided to leave, and moved to a residential care home 70 miles away near her childhood home where she receives many visitors and has settled quite well, although feels that she was pushed into making the decision to leave her home because of dad's behaviour.
One of her carers (B) has kept in touch and visits her at her residential home. My dad is also housebound, has difficulty with mobility and uses stair lift. He doesn't acknowledge that he needs support and relies on the goodwill of neighbours to take garbage out, provide him with meals, and go to ATM. He has a paid cleaner and yard help which mom arranged. He will not order frozen meals, but does order food shopping online and complains to me on the phone about substituted items. B continues to visit voluntarily, to drop newspaper off on Saturdays (although did not do it when she was away one week, and did not tell him), he does not get up until lunchtime so does not answer the door for her. He often doesn't answer the phone either because he doesn't hear it or because he is far away. He doesn't have a mobile, and will not buy one. He has asked for B's help to pay bills which I have learnt through her telling my mom, neither he nor B have told me this. My mom resents B's voluntary help for my dad as she thinks it is enabling him to continue to live in his home independently without acknowledging that he needs professional support. My mom has told B that she should be paid for her support work. I have also asked B whether I should ask for another assessment of my dad's situation and needs (he usually tells the social worker that all is fine and that he is doing great), but she has told me to leave it. I have broached the point of payment with my dad and he seems open to this, but has not raised it with her. B works for a care agency, and I don't believe that they know that she is providing voluntary support for my dad. B was keeping in touch with me via text but has stopped replying since I mentioned that I had discussed the idea of payment with dad. I have an OK relationship with dad, but am not close to him, he was not very present when I grew up, I work full time and I do not visit often as he loses his temper without warning, although only with my mom and myself, not with anyone else!! He portrays an image of a helpless, 'woe is me' individual to others. When I do visit, I stay at a hotel. I'd like to know what people's thoughts are on this situation.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Thank you both for taking the time to respond, I've also been asking myself about motivations and am uncomfortable about how things are currently playing out, I may well take forward your suggestions.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Maybe Dad & B have a more informal arrangement? A little fuel $ here, a little gift $ there..?

Just a thought.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Hi, I'm sorry for your situation. Forgive me for being skeptical, as B sounds very kind and thoughtful, but I do wonder what B's motivations are? Do you think B genuinely has good intentions and is helping your Dad out to be kind, or do you think B is up to something else e.g. maybe looking into your Dad's finances, or after a possible gift in your Dad's will etc.? I also wonder if there could be possible liability issues (e.g. if B is not a registered paid carer with an agency and injures herself over at your Dad's house, there could maybe be issues)? I would personally call the care agency that B works for and get B properly set up as a professional carer with a proper care plan, where duty of care applies and B cannot be in a position to possibly abuse carer power.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter