Should I be annoyed when I tell someone some difficulty I'm having as a caregiver and the response is simply: "you're a good daughter"?

I imagine it is exhausting to be a caregiver for ten years. That's a long time, to have no help. What I might consider is to try to get some help other than from those people who never offer help. Apparently, they are not able or interested in doing more or they don't know you want them to. Some people may be confused or scared to be too pushy. You can always, send a note and ask if they could do this or that. They can accept or decline the request. When no one offered to do anything for me as I provide care for my LO, I just made do on my own with professionals. It sounds like you do need respite time or at the very least some kind of help. That's tough right now with covid- 19, but, there still should be some options. I'd explore them with her doctor, insurance or other professionals in your community who would know what she might qualify for. And, explore Medicaid, if you think she might need that.

Yes, you should be annoyed. Being told 'you're a good daughter' is just a platitude by people who don't really want to hear the details about what's bothering you. It's like asking "How are you?" and expecting the pat response of "I'm fine thanks". Most people don't REALLY want to know how you are.......it's just a greeting.

Care giving is a solitary job, isn't it? You find, though the years, that there aren't many (if any) people you can really rely on to help you, or to even listen to you vent.

Look into getting some hired help; these people are paid to listen, to do chores and errands, and sometimes, they wind up caring MORE than the so-called 'friends' and family members who ask empty questions with no concern for your answers.

Good luck!

How about saying 'I'm a good daughter, but I'm a bit short on good friends'.

Simply reply, “no, I am an AMAZING daughter.” The more you say that, the less annoyed you will be!

xoxo
susan

Get so tired of hearing you’re a good daughter. It is patronizing and annoying.

Happy, what is your imagined "best response"?

Do you want them to offer to help?
Do you want them to say "it must be so hard"?
Do you want them to suggest resources?

I have had all of the above said to me when my mom was ill. I have SAID all of the above to friends.

Frankly, its NEVER the right thing to say. Because you just want the burden lifted.

No one can do that but you. Are you burning out? What are the resources that can be tapped?

I have heard that, too! Except, it’s usually: “You’re doing the best you can.” The first time I just stared at my friend in amazement. Then I spelled it out for him that I was asking him to help. But, it makes him so uncomfortable to be around that it’s almost painful to watch. Sigh. He’s much happier repainting the deck for us, for example, than staying in while I go Out for a walk. Too bad I need to walk several times a week while the deck only needs painted once a year. (Very grateful for the help he does provide outside.) Also, too bad hired help has a minimum stay of 4 hours. That’s much too long, and even after coronavirus ends, I won’t be rehiring them. But, I do have to figure out a different way forward that lets me go out some. I do have one option to pursue. Just venting... 🙃

I think some people just don't know what to say. I've even had people respond with laughter because my "story" was so overwhelming that they could not handle it. I lived it, but they can't handle hearing about it? I agree if they are asking you about your mom and your life, they should be prepared for the truth... but somehow many people are not. They know well enough to try to avoid saying the wrong thing.... so I think it comes out as the generic "you're a good daughter". Some of the people saying it probably know that it falls flat, but they are at a loss as to what would help. Some people just don't get it and they don't understand how all-encompassing it can be to be responsible for an adult. Some people DO understand but they don't want to have a serious discussion about it or get involved. Some people have a low tolerance for other people's problems and they don't want to discuss it to the same degree that you do. Caring people are out there, but they may seem to be a precious few!

Ugh! I hate hearing the “you’re a good daughter” garbage!! I feel like a dog being patted on the head by someone! My clueless sister never thought to offer help and I never asked for it. It took me screaming at her and then crumpling to the floor in tears to get some help transporting, shopping for groceries, etc for OUR parents. My hope for you is that you will find it in yourself to open up and ask for some help, whatever it is you may need assistance with. My sister felt TERRIBLE that she never offered to run any errands or anything, but she also questioned why I never asked her! Ask away!! The least they can tell you is no; so then move on to the next person. Do a little something for yourself everyday. Meditate. Go sit in a different room and have a cup of tea ALONE. Put her to bed and take a long hot shower. Sit on that freshly painted deck and zone out for a minute. Take care of yourself!

I have learned not to talk about caregiving with a sole unless they are a fellow caregiver. Only caregivers know the burden, the stress, the anxiety that we go through. Even if you manage to explain to someone, they will have no idea what it's like until they do it themselves. And... it has to be with someone you LOVE. I have thought about it. I think I could be a caregiver and be much more at ease if it were with a stranger and not my mom. The emotional toll of past memories and personal history is nothing like it would be with a stranger.

Find a caregivers group in your area, so you can get a meaningful hug from someone that really understands.

I hate it and have asked family for help lots of times with lots of things and get that they are too busy. My aunt asked how are you? i know she don't want the real answer. Cause she couldt handle the real answer. They didn't even come when he was in ICU three times almost died in past 7 months. So im trying to hold my tongue and let it go because i get angry but its not really her making me angry its how i choose to respond. I need to respond differently and let it go cause its not hurting them that im angry just me.

I love the response from Susan of "No, I'm an AMAZING daughter!"

I liked hearing that phrase that I'm a good daughter, but then my situation was very different, and I wasn't to that much for that long of a period of time. What used to bug me was the phrase, "You are so lucky to still have your mother!" One time I snapped back, "She is so lucky to have ME!" The person thought about it for a few seconds, and then said, "You are right!"

When someone tells you this, what happens when you tell the asker something concrete that THEY can do to help?

You have every right to feel annoyed. They have no idea and will never understand until they are in your shoes. Sadly, people just do not get that "praise" is not what caregivers are after or want. Caregivers need support.

Next time someone asks you say.."Do you want the truth or a standard answer?"
That might make them think about how they respond.
Obviously they are going to say they want the truth. When they do say something like "I am exhausted, I can't get out often and if you would not mind next time you are at the store could you pick up a gallon of milk and a large package of eggs and the new People magazine?"
The difficult thing with this time is you can not ask someone to come sit with mom so it is hard to get a little "me" time and that is so important. So one more thing you can ask is..."mom is not great at conversation at this time and I miss catching up on what everyone is doing, she takes a nap around 1:00 could you call me on Wednesday around 1 so we can catch up?"
Many people want to help they just do not know what to do so if you give them a little nudge, a little guidance it might help.

It's perfectly understandable to feel annoyed at that response. Not really a lot you can do about other's responces though - they just don't get it. But come here & share, folks here do 🤗

Kudos to you for your 10 years of caring for your mom. Caregivers, especially those who care for dementia afflicted loved ones, need to have thick skins. Nobody who isn't a dementia caregiver knows the experience. You mention she has "age related decline". What does that mean? Is it COGNITIVE decline? Cognitive decline would imply MCI, mild cognitive impairment, and should be diagnosed as such. Has she been evaluated by a specialist or just her PCP?

The condition of cognitive decline, whether it's MCI, Alzheimer's, FTD, or whatever, brings with it a certain stigma. Friends disappear, even family may become disassociated. You're right, it's patronizing, frustrating, maddening. I'm sorry, but I never had an answer for "how is she", and still don't. I just said, "she's fine" and hoped they would quit asking.

I'm sure most mean well but I understand how patronizing and empty those words feel after a while. It could be worse -in my case it was my aging mother who would make a point of telling people we'd meet up with, "Oh, she's SUCH a good daughter -she does EVERYTHING for me, etc.," but always in such an OTT, insincere way that I knew she was simply reinforcing continued top performance from me in front of "witnesses" who would then hold me to her high praises -praises, by the way, that she rarely bestowed upon me directly.

I find people really don't want to know. They just feel they have to say something. Just say "Doing as well as can be expected and you, how is your family doing". Hard to get that "your such a good daughter" into the conversation.

Me, I have learned to go the other way when I see someone I don't want to talk to. (and I am a talker) If starting down an isle in the grocery store and I see someone I am just not in the mood for, I quickly go down another isle. Or I look like I am in a hurry. "Hi Marge, would love to talk but in a hurry to get back to Mom".

There is no “should” regarding your feelings. Feelings are not right or wrong; they just are. The fact is that you are annoyed. That is perfectly normal.

I think you may really be asking “how can I get these people to help“ ? If so, you have to ask them directly ! Tell them that it’s becoming too much and that you want some relief. Some may pitch in. You are not asserting yourself, when you worry whether it’s ok to be annoyed. I can say this, because I have been there too. Try to decide what type of help you want, and then ask people directly. Even if some of them can not physically step in, they may have other ideas or even just offer you emotional support.
Also seek some professional help. Such as in home care for your mom, to relieve you. Possible counseling as well. Take care of yourself. Caring for an aging parent can be a huge burden. I saw a counselor when I was feeling at wits end trying to care for my mom. It helped a lot !

Forgive me if I misunderstood your question. Being given accolades, just made me angry as well. (“Thanks for all you do”...) People who’ve never done caretaking, especially for a relative, don’t realize what a burden it can be.

Best of luck. This site can also be a great support to you during this time.

From my own perspective, my friends don’t even ask anymore how I'm doing or how my dad is doing which is also annoying. However, here is what I think, if someone has never been a caregiver they have no idea what it’s like and therefore can’t empathize but only give platitudes. I once had a friend who asked how dad was and when I told her, she said at least he's in a nursing home and not living with you....and I said BUT it's still hard!!! She didn’t get it and notice she never asked how I was doing. I’ve given up on friends basically for the most part. I have a few who do get it and do care.
I think you just have to have your comeback handy as others suggested and then get what you need from people who have walked the path. Either join a support group, like this or in person, and even go so far as to be bold and ask a friend for their help. Start out with "I know you care as you ask how things are going, so I’d like to ask you a favor. Would you do "such and such" for me on Tuesday? (Fill in the blank) you might be surprised that they will help. So many people truly have no idea what to do. It’s akin to when someone dies and they say call me if you need anything...which is worthless. So call them and put them on the line. You will then find out who "gets it". As a caregiver myself, I am now able to put myself in other's shoes and offer help and not wait to be asked.

I’d actually welcome a compliment like that, because it makes me feel validated, even though the person who should say it cannot say it because of dementia.

However, what I find most annoying are those giving me advice when all I want to do is to vent. All I want is someone to be a soundboard so that I release some steam. Telling me I should do this and that (as if I haven’t already tried) just pisses me off.

I used to absolutely hate it when they said that. Like some ready
made simplistic answers to difficult issues. Mostly because they did not have the intellectual or emotional intelligence to respond to you with more respect. I don't like the people who gave to me these ready made, fast food answers. To this day I'm Not in touch with them and I really regret not cutting ties with them earlier.

We can validate your feelings. Yes, feeling annoyed and patronized is perfectly fine, but I think it's an indication that you are depleted.
So now the question becomes, what can I do to make things better? Is there anyone in your life who is good at either actually helping you or helping to brainstorm some ideas?
What is YOUR support system? Doctor, therapist, husband, siblings, extended family? Can you call a meeting, make some coffee and cookies, and tell everyone you need some help? Kind of a reverse intervention-- you're asking for help!
And then you need to figure out what you need.

What if you stop the people who tell you you are a good daughter and make a REQUEST for help? What is the worst that can happen-- they can say no, but what if they say yes?

TO Person #1: Do you think you could come and watch mom once every two weeks on Sunday night from 4pm to 8pm? It would give me time to do "fill in the blank".
TO Person #2: Do you think you could help me do some grocery shopping once a month?
TO Person #3: Could you help me make dinner once a month?
..and so on.

If you have 5 people and they help you regularly, would you feel better?

People mean well. They actually do not get the frustration or level of mental exhaustion. I just say..Thank You..

Plan, if not role play/practice your responses to these people in advance. Be ready for them, asking for help/support and watch their mouth open and nothing comes out. Such as: I learned that asking for support and assistance from friends "LIKE YOU" is how I am becoming a really good daughter. . . . Can you offer me an hour or two now and then?

While you don't want them to feel defensive, you do want them to stop in their tracks and consider what you need and what they are saying to you.

Same thing happens to me. I just smile and say, "Thank you". I have also learned that the person who says to call if I need anything will have an excuse not to help if I do call. Besides caring for my mother in my home, my husband is in early stages of alzheimers. Our nurse daughter-in-law is the only one I can count on. Will pray for you.

I find that others think I have it all under control. It is my fault if I don't tell them what help I could use.

It is understandable to feel the need to have friends offer to help in your situation. Ten years is a very long time to have to care for a loved one.
However, don't be so sure that friends or family do not care about you because they do not offer help. You never know what people are going through in their own lives. Many people do not talk about their own problems or situations. There are those that have things happening we would never be aware of. For many, it is impossible to help others beyond what they are responsible for in their own lives.
It would be good for you to find some support for yourself though. Search for support groups or organizations in your area. You may be surprised how many there may be. Some are volunteer to help or very minimal pay. Being able to talk with people going through something similar to your own situation helps a great deal. These places also have resource information that may help.
Best to you, I hope you find the support you are needing.

I reach out to my 4 sisters too and get the same avoidance. As long as it's my house she's lived in almost 10 years that's where the conversation ends. Mom is also extremely possessive with her "hoarding" that I have worked so slowly to free my house of without success. The useless storage on my back porch (5 years now) has got to go. Not to mention the youngest 2 sisters and their family coming in constantly without notice! I'm so tired..... Nothing will change until one of us is gone. At this point, I feel hopeless, used and alone.

My question here is this:
Are you annoyed with them or with yourself?
I am an RN and one thing I believe is we are not all cut out to be caregivers.
We dont all have the patience or energy for it. That doesn't mean you dont want the best for your mother. As a nurse I have seen and experienced a lot of things; some of it very good and some very bad.
There are caregivers who have endless patience and energy and truly enjoy spending hours caring for, not just their own loved ones, but the loved ones of others too. There are also people who just dont have the patience, stamina, skills or emotional capacity to deal with people who are ill. Those people have talents and abilities that are RIGHTLY served elsewhere. I am not saying this is you. In fact I am speaking in generalities here for anyone who might be reading. Only you can decide if this is a temporary feeling on your part, or if you need to find some other way to care for your loved one. Not being able to or even wanting to care for a loved one is not a sin, if I were ill I want someone to care for me who WANTS to be there, not someone who is forced to. If I had to choose a daughter who could come see me happy VS a daughter who was tired, mentally exhausted, depressed....ect ect ect I would choose a happy daughter and assisted living, home health aides or someone else. People can only give their best to others when they feel their best. Sometimes being a caregiver is not meant for everyone. It takes a lot of self reflection to truly decide what is best for a loved one. Other people dont know and are just trying to be nice. If you want answers for a situation you are not happy with that starts with you.