Should I continue to indulge my mom’s memory lapses and confabulation? They are becoming more difficult to ignore or gloss over.

After reading similar stories to yours over the years that I've been active on this forum, I know that this will slowly drive you crazy as her memory lapses, confabulation and anger get worse. She may well live another 10+ years during which time her needs are only going to increase and your life will revolve ever more around trying to meet them. Do you have a longterm plan?

Teepa Snow is terrific. However, she is a professional who specializes in geriatrics and neuroscience. You will learn a great deal by watching her YouTube videos. Also keep in mind that you may reach a point where you no longer want to have your mother living with you and that is okay. Burnout is real risk among caregivers especially those who are caring for elders with dementia.

This kind of thing is a very common indicator that she is beginning to lose her ability to manage multiple pieces of information. It is a behavior that will increase in frequency, magnitude, and scope.

In terms of duration of time within this will unfold? Anyone's guess.

This has to be monitored and you have to ask yourself key and relevant questions:

Has she lost the capacity to:
-Bathe
-Walk
-Eat regularly
-Take her medications regularly
-Communicate what she is thinking
-Remain sufficiently cognizant of her surroundings so as not to make dangerous mundane errors such as leave the stove on, or leave sink running?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, a systematic review of her circumstances, and and honest assessment of your ability to assist or care for her is in order.

Often times these changes take place over a period of years, so it is relatively safe to say that you needn't panic, but be prudent and start researching and evaluating now.

Best of luck!

You cannot talk 'reason' to a person with brain chemistry that has changed.
* Some people will start to believe others, even family, are stealing or taking things.
* Research / google TEEPA SNOW and learn about the different types of dementia and symptoms, and how to communicate / cope.
* Do not set up a confrontational communication, i.e., correct her. You might want to try this out and see how it goes. Be patient with YOURself. Nothing is written in stone and this is like an adventure into the unknown.
* Try responding to what she may say and immediately redirect the conversation. She will likely repeat thoughts often.
* If she accuses you of something, 'try' to not take it personally.
* There is a fine line between honesty and being diplomatic, understanding how her brain is able to function. It'll take some time. Generally, NO one is prepared for a person to lose their mind due to dementia. Family find themselves in it and often don't know what to do (I work with families).
* It might help to respond in short statements and if you feel overwhelmed or unsure how to handle a moment / situation, say you need to get xxx or do xxx and leave the room to regroup. You may need to interrupt the communication before it escalates, and you lose your composure (which you most certainly will at times).
* If I were you, I would re-consider separate living spaces. It is understandable that you may (likely) not have known what you were getting into. Now that you have some experience, consider what your needs are (incl boundaries, energy, and understand the 24/7 care needs that will continue).
* You want to take care of yourself - first. Otherwise, you will not be available to take care of your mom without losing yourself and your health, and life-style. It is important you set boundaries - and if you aren't sure what they are, do some inner exploration -

What do you need - not 'just' emotionally, physically, psychologically, spiritually? How was it before your mom came and how has your life changed?
How have these changes affected you?
* How do you feel about setting boundaries? And what kind of boundaries?

* Do know that you aren't alone. It is much more challenging caring for a family member due to the history, triggers, emotional connection.
* I've been working with individuals in various stages of dementia / forgetfulness for over 8 years and I still can get pulled in. I try to be honest with my clients while extremely mindful of their brain chemistry. If I don't have a response in the moment, I might say "I need to think about that."
* I believe 110% that 're-arranging' the truth or reality is not only okay, it is often essential. Prepare yourself ahead of time with something she might say and practice some responses.
* I'd like you to consider what you've experienced in a very short time and realize another 1, 2, 10, 20 weeks, a year will progressively change. Consider how your roll and responsibilities will be and how your life, and the quality of your life, will change.
* If you need, see a social worker or therapist to help you sort this out.
P.S. Don't forget anti-anxiety meds. They can be a life saver - yours. Gena.

I do't have much advice to offer, because I am sitting in my room, again, avoiding confrontation with my mother-in-law who lives with us (Alzheimer's). She is really getting crazy with her stories.... now she is making up stories about MY family and my life which she knows very little. She watches Hallmark movies a lot and we have notices items from the movies and plot lines invading her stories that we have heard over and over. A doctor once told us that the things remembered and reiterated the most come from times of mental or emotional trauma sometime in their life. I can believe it as we listen to some stories maybe 9-10 times during a meal. Yes, I get exhausted by the end of a day, sometimes sooner. Part of the issue is that both my husband and my MIL are very hard of hearing and I end up repeating most things 2-3 times. They both wear hearing aids but they don't always help, especially when she 'hides' them or takes them from their recharge station before they are charged. She often argues about her meds, which is another issue altogether. I have read all of these most helpful posts, I know in my head what I am supposed to do, but I don't always react the way I should. It IS the hardest thing I have ever undertaken. It is very wonderful that you have a loving relationship with your mom, my MIL and I never had a good relationship to begin with so this just makes it harder. Cherish what you can with her. I lost MY mom 3 months ago to a massive stroke but my MIL dismisses this as if it is nothing. She has become an incorrigable 2-year-old who cannot be ignored or corrected. I am having trouble with the 'be compassionate' part. That has all dissipated in our relationship. I hate this disease!

It is not your responsibility to find your mother's purse for her. But you can distract her, walk away as if you are going to look for it, say nothing more about it. Bring her a snack when you do come back.

So very sorry she is declining and accusing you. It is her illness, not you.
Hoping the doctor has a solution for her.

I see a lot people asking, what do you gain by confronting your mother regarding her memory loss in the situation you described. I understand keeping the stress down and not causing additional problems, but I am wondering how you were feeling in the situation. Did you feel blamed and want to clear yourself? I think I would feel that way. My mother lives with me and is very, very detail oriented. There is a just right way to do EVERYTHING and she is coaching me constantly. I never knew how incompetent she thought I was until she moved in with my family, lol. I try very hard to please, and she is syrupy sweet and constantly thanking me, but there is an undercurrent of criticism. We don't have big blow ups, but if I get more direct about how this is making me feel she brushes it off, with "oh, your too sensitive". So yes, I treasure the time with her, and when she is gone, I worry that it will be difficult to forgive myself that I wasn't endlessly patient, but come on. I roll with her--because I love her!!!--and I will also roll with some of my own limitations now, and when she is gone, forgiving myself that I can't always be endlessly patient. This is part of being human. So, I don't know if this relates to your question about your Mom's memory issue, but I do understand if what you are feeling is a reticence to always take the fall when memory issues have created a situation. YOU matter, too, as well as your dear Mom.

“She forgets increasingly important things and is making up stories which is not at all like her.”

This is common. Indulge her. What harm could possibly come from indulging her? You’ve already seen what happens when you don’t.
Best of luck.

You are a wonderful person for taking your mom in. This is a hard decision. You are generous and kind. The road isn’t easy and the loss you may feel going forward can be slow and painful.

Before you get too mad at her—-

Remember what it feels like when you have misplaced something important to you. Maybe that thing wouldn’t or shouldn’t be important to others, but it is something you like. Do you ever obsess and overly focus? Maybe not, but I have done this before. Sometimes this feeling remains until the object is recovered.

She has gone through a lot of change and change is hard. She has gone through a loss of independence and freedom. Wars are fought over these intangible concepts. It is understandable that she should feel less than whole.

If you are hard on her now, she could feel like her life is useless, she is imprisoned, and her best friend has transformed into warden. You don’t want her to grow distant from you. You moved her there because you love her.

If you have kids, do they ever correct you? It is possible they are right or you are right (probably a mix), but it is hurtful to be constantly corrected. It is torture when there are incessant “mini”-corrections. Don’t be that kid for your mom.

You will both be adjusting to your new living situation and there is an inevitable power struggle as you all settle into your new roles.

Welcome her with a hug and encouragement rather that a correction which feels like a put down. Face her inevitable decline with positivity, comfort and let her know “everything will be okay.”

What would you gain from a correction? Not much. Drive a wedge between you? You will save time not looking for the purse, but instead of calming your mom’s anxieties about the problem, you will be raising her anxiety about the purse (you want that? No one cares and by the way, you will never find it, end of story) and/or raising her anxiety about her mental function (you are “losing it, mom, don’t bother us with the things you are forgetting”) that will only scare her and cause her to feel misunderstood. You may not say such harsh things, but that is what she will “hear”. These words and feelings cause us to shut down.

You invited her because you love her and want her to be happy. Be nice about the purse for these reasons.

I don’t know it all— but I know how you feel. Mom and Dad came to live with us too. Sometimes I said the right things, other times I said the wrong things. Now they are gone and I would do anything to enjoy even the hardest day with them once again. I know your position right now doesn’t feel lucky, but some day, these days will be the “good old days.”

Go hug your mom. Love her.

If she is having memory issues, instead of pointing them out, play cards. Checkers. Puzzles. Activities that are interactive, take a drive and have a discussion. A walk if she is able. These are therapeutic and memory-strengthening. Exercise helps. It works! Dementia is a “catch-all” that is overused. Mind and memory can sometimes be improved or preserved. It happened with my parents. A big part of success Is having a positive outlook. Watch a film or read together and have a discussion. Listen actively when she needs to tell you something that is important to her. Talk gently about happy times, asking her about her recollections. Ask her to help you in the kitchen, help you with some problem, some task, some advice. Thank her. Make her feel useful. Needed. Tell her you are so glad she is there. Hug her. Make her favorite meal - together. Make her feel grateful she is there with you and not alone with all the worries and responsibilities of living alone.

As she progresses, you will probably need to indulge her more. My father continually argued with my mother trying to reason with her and force her to remember as her dementia progressed and it upset her to the point that she would pound her fists on chair arms and have anxiety attacks. We found indulging her and redirecting her was best. She's past the point of reasoning with for sure now and she is now in assisted living, memory care, and she has embraced it. They have tons of activities and she is with other people who she can identify with. She stayed at home as long as possible, but my father passed away, and I run 2 small businesses and couldn't give her the attention she craved. Before assisted living and before my father passed, she had begun telling people she had never been married and didn't have any children. She thought I was the lady who did her hair. She doesn't remember her grandson, and got to where she didn't recognize my dad. She would ask people for bus money because she thought she was homeless and penniless and needed to "go home," wanting to get back to her parents. She didn't recognize the home she had lived in for 50 years with my father. She would pack a bag every night and put it by the door and then start calling people, including me, to come and get her because she didn't want to spend the night with the strange man. Now when I visit her at assisted living she can't wait for me to leave so she can start participating in their activities. It's sad, and I miss my "real" Mom, but it is what it is, and I'm going to make sure she has what she needs to have a care-free time from here on out. Dementia progresses, sometimes pretty quickly, it doesn't get better and as far as I know you can't stop it, even though through the years my dad tried, carting her around to lots of physicians including neurologists. The medications do help, especially the anti-anxiety ones, but it eventually caught up with my Mom. I can't stand to see my Mom stressed, so we have decided to indulge her.

Imho, you should not go along with anything that seems very bizarre, but you don't have to engage in conversation that seems to be trending towards argumentative. Gently change the subject. Prayers sent.

Yes routines, yes memory drugs, yes neurological workup and brain scans. She sounds like she still has awareness of her condition--that's going to help if you can show her you're on HER side against this thing. She will cooperate much more with doctor visits if she believes you are on her side 100 percent. She may even be willing to do occupational therapy, skills training, speech therapy, physical therapy, video game programs, adult day program, etc., if she feels you are helping her fight this in every way possible. If she has mainly cerebro-vascular dementia (a brain scan would show signs), then she has more time, more gradual changes, slower loss of abilities. Use this time to actively maintain the physical and mental abilities she still has--she wants this too, if she is aware enough to be embarrassed and apologetic. My mother had dizziness with memory drugs, but during the early weeks before the dizziness began, the memory drugs were actually working, helping her speech, helping her connect ideas more quickly. My mother was (still is) on a low dose of Wellbutrin, has been for several years, with good results. Good wishes.

I take so much solace in this blog and I'm so thankful for forums like this. I've been taking care of my Mom for the last couple of years (with help) and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. Feelings of anger, resentment, sadness, & loss for the mom that was. It's comforting to know that I am not alone. Really the takeaway is not how to change or fix her behavior, but how to adapt and fix my own. This is a hard lesson to swallow, and to learn.
To learn how to accept that these changes in our loved ones are permanent, that we cannot turn back the clock and that we must always respond with love and complete acceptance. Very challenging but embrace the support I find here.

Nnumber one thing to do if ant already get a appointment with a neurologists brain specialist to determine what medicine your mother can take to slow down her brain cell deterioration. Also if you notice extra confusion trouble urinating she also could be suffering from a UTI infection.

hi, I don't know the history, but if your mom has not been evaluated by either a neurologist or a gerontologist, that might be helpful to develop a plan of care for her, and to begin medications that may help a bit. You may already have done those things with her. My mom has started carrying her purse around in her home, she gets paranoid at times, will not answer her telephone most of the time, even if it is someone she knows. She has always been somewhat creative with facts, makes excuses and then convinced herself that her version of events was the truth, which has not improved with the progress of dementia. The onset was insidious with her, exposed by a medical problem along with acute confusion and agitiation, caused by excessive water consumption and low sodium levels, with swelling of neuronal cells.
A visit to the physician for your mom may be helpful, occasionally confusion is caused by something that is easily correctable, like b12 deficiency, hope things improve for your mom

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen similar comments since I joined this site 5 years ago: I knew my parent had problems, but I didn’t realize how bad it was until I lived with them.
I hope it gives you some comfort that you are not alone. It sounds like you are in similar place as me five years ago. Let me ask you, what will you gain by calling out your mother’s memory loss? Will that help her remember? No. It will just add to her stress. It’s a real mind shift to let that go. It takes practice.

I have been exactly where you are. My mom with Alzheimer's lived with us for 5 years. She'd hide her purse, sometimes locking it in her dresser drawer (she insisted that we get a lock for the dresser, which we did), and then she'd hide the key to it, so it was like a Marx brothers movie, searching for the key, and then hunting down the purse, which had all of $5 and a lipstick in. It wasn't as if it had the family jewels in it, (if we had any), but it gave her a sense of security I guess.
I even wrote a book about my husband and I taking care of her called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale" I also address the lying issues in the book. At first, I tried to push her into reality, but it was easier, as other people have said, to just go along with her delusions and illusions. "Ill"-usions is an appropriate term, since Alzheimer's is an illness after all. I reached the point where if she thought she had played golf with Tiger Woods, I let her go along with it.

I suggest watching Teepa Snow's youtube video's. Your Mom's mind sounds like she has dementia to me since she is forgetting things and making up stories which are symptoms of alzheimer's / dementia. I knew my Mom had dementia just by her actions, I didn't need to get her tested (which I did eventually due to her chronic headaches).

That said, when I moved my Mom in with me I needed to learn how to deal with my Mom's thoughts and words and not only did this forum help me but watching the Teepa video's helped me as well. It's important to acknowledge your Mom's thoughts and then redirect.

Your Mom can't help it and you can learn how to react to her so she doesn't get upset. Stress is the worse thing for an aging person.

Best to you,
Jenna

My mom is slowly slipping into some real moments of dementia. She can be pretty OK and tuned into the conversation at hand, but after about 10 minutes begins to 'wander'. My sibs don't notice as they don't see her as much as I do (and I don't see her often--so it's VERY apparent).

There's really nothing you can do. No corrections to her memory of events, or people's names, just try to move the conversation around to something else. If it's driving you nutty, and it can, you can always leave. I know that sounds mean, but I'm kind of all about self preservation and it doesn't help to listen to the same old, same old talk, or worse yet, see her struggle so hard to find the right names or sequence of events. It's frustrating for her.

You have definitely put your finder on the problem = short term memory problems. Now comes the challenge of dealing with it. This problem will most likely only get worse so start practicing for that reality now. I suggest simplifying your mom's environment so there are less places to misplace items. I also suggest creating a routine, or schedule, with her that everybody agrees to follow. As for her incidents of misplaced items or confabulation (lying), always lean into kindness: short search of items you know she has, "reminding" about items you know she doesn't have ("you gave that away when you moved in with me" or "it wore out and we needed decided to get rid of it"), asking about feelings that go with the memories, and/or diverting her attention to another activity or subject.

Please let her doctor know about your mom's symptoms and her reactions. Your mom may respond to medications for Alzheimer's disease or may need some mild anti-anxiety agents if she is getting upset all the time.

You cannot argue with a broken brain. You can try, but you'll only frustrate yourself and get her worked up. They believe what their mind believes.

If you remember what the purse looks like, look to see if you can find one very similar and say - this was in a box, is it the one you're looking for. There is every possibility she remembers, in detail. a purse from several years back. The mind gets erased from present time to past time. So she won't remember you just looked in the closet but can remember the details of wallpaper she had as a child.

So, yes. Indulge. You aren't 'giving in', you are accepting the situation as it is

Sad to say , it is part of the problem. I have been attending a Caretakers meeting for about a year now. I have learned a lot . The suggestion to watch some of Teepa Snows videos is a great one. They enlightened me to what might be going on inside of his head .. it took a while to believe that his brain is broken and he can not help what is going on . He has not got to the accusatory stage yet but is well into asking the same questions over and over again and making up stories. He can no longer navigate the TV remote so I sold the second car. With every auto TV commercial he says he’s going to by a new car .. My comment is always , sure , as soon a you are feeling a little better we will go look ..,It is better to placate than to fight. They are sick , their brains are broken .. make sure you have a durable Power of Attorney. That will enable you to make decisions as things get worse in regards to health and finances. My best suggestion is to find a Caretakers group .. mine have been meeting on line since the start of the pandemic . Everything you learn will help make the situation a bit easier to handle . Best of luck ...

Don't worry about the little things.
Who knows where the purse is but it's not going to hurt anything just to look again or have your mom look

If she has dementia, and it sounds like that is a possibility, you are not going to be able to convince her that She gave the purse away, she tossed it out, or anything else. If she thinks it is in your closet IT IS IN YOUR CLOSET. If she thinks it is raining out, in her mind it is raining. If she thinks there is a child in the house, there is a child in the house.
You have to learn to redirect. You have to learn to go along with some of the things that she believes. (If she thinks there is a child in the house, is is a boy? what is he doing? what does he want? can she talk to him?) As long as she is not frightened by her beliefs, as long as it is safe to "go with the flow" then go with it. If it gets to be a bit much for you do not argue just leave the room. (as long as it is safe to do so.)
If this gets to be more than you can handle forget about her resistance and look for Memory Care for her. (Particularly if she begins to get violent)

Your mom may see herself failing, at this point in her aging process. When she can't find something, she is embarrassed and scared at the same time. She does not want others to notice her failing do redirects her failure to someone else. My dad did this, as well. He also became very suspicious of everyone. It is good you have an appointment set up, as that was something I was unable to convince my dad to do. I finally had to use deceitful persuasion to get him to a doctor. When you see the doctor, your mom may contradict you with information you provide the doctor, this is also normal, again, it is part of how the disease can happen in some people. Take notes and be sure you inform of the issues and changes your mom is going through. Wish you all the best.

I think if we as caregivers can appreciate our own gift of NOT FORGETTING something immediately after it’s said, it can help us to be a little more relaxed about the memory losses experienced by those in our care.

THEN, if we choose, we can reshape our own language accordingly, and be more at peace with what we’re dealing with in our LOs.

I’ve become terrifyingly aware of this during the Pandemic, since I have found VERY FREQUENTLY that I myself lose track of a thought before I finish a sentence.

I’m fairly confident that I haven’t begun to experience cognitive changes that are causing this, but depression, loneliness, boredom, fear, and our present imprisonments seem to result in that effect.

If a LO has received a thorough, compassionate diagnosis, and dementia has been confirmed, I find it so much easier to overlook, finesse, white or pinkish “creative fudge on truth”, and just admire the fact that my LO still has some semblance of her personality left after all she’s been through, than try to hold her to the line of verbal accuracy.

The last time I saw her or talked to her (early October) in an outside visit, she was cold. In her healthy pre-dementia life, she was ALWAYS COLD. During that last 20 minute visit, she said “I’m cold” approximately 14 times. Thinking back, I savor the fact that after surviving Covid the first time, she could STILL, at 92, comment accurately on her circumstances with the expectation that someone would help her get warm (we finally did).

I was a speech therapist before I was retired, so I may just overthink this, I admit.

Go to ALZ.org and look up their explanation of hallucinations, delusions and paranoia. They even use the missing purse example. Medication may help.

As one who is at that stage of repeating herself... I've learned to say, "I may have asked you this before".... it doesn't help to be told you've asked that 100 times. (In my case two or three times) It just makes the person feel like an idiot which I know you don't want to happen. My sister in law was the worse offender. The thing that drove me nuts the most was instead of answering my question I would get an "I've already told you". I finally told her, "If I could remember the answer I wouldn't be asking the question again and it won't kill you to just answer the question."

Having giving a little perspective from the other side of the coin, just repeat and repeat as much as needed. It's the loving thing to do.

FYI, since I started forcing myself to eat healthier my memory has improved and I now have a circle of close friends who understand as we all have the same problem. Lots of great laughs over it. Hugs and best of luck for you as you walk this journey with your mom.

I've seen success with the 'stolen purse issue' by having similar looking bags & purses in various drawers etc. "Oh here it is". Various old expired cards & coins can be kept in them.

May be too early for that now, but an idea for the future if the loop on purses continues & worsens.

Yes, I agree with what everyone has said. I'm still coming to terms with having to explain to her the same things every day. I've just had to explain about Covid AGAIN cos she got angry at the idea of having a jab - and again, I got somewhat annoyed too, even though I KNOW it's not her fault she can't remember!

It’s her reality. She makes up stories because she doesn’t remember and it fills in the blanks- she’s not making it up to upset anyone. It’s a very difficult disease. Best wishes.