I have a boyfriend (widowed for 6 years). He has a full time job and so do I. I live on my own in an apartment where he comes to stay with me 1x/wk. We’ve been together for 3 years. We are both in our early 50s. His mom 70 y/o and aunt 72 y/o both retired, live with him and helps him take care of daughter and house. Both grandmothers have character. Almost like a an overbearing/controlling nature to only son/nephew and only grand daughter. I want us to start a family just the three of us. Grandmas are healthy, cook and drive, and are living on pension (which is not a lot). Our decision is for the grandmas to live in an apartment so we can have our own independence and privacy. Is it selfish of us to ask the grandmas to move out? His mom says it’s an insult to her. The aunt says she doesn’t want to live in a senior living facility or an apartment. We can help them get an apartment and even pay for it, but the aunt likes to live in a house. He said he is in a tight spot. He can’t throw his family out of his house. I don’t want to live with them under 1 roof. It’s just too much drama, snide comments, dealing with them being critical. I don’t agree with them treating him like a boy. What will I do?
This is not a man you are dealing with. He is married to his female relatives.
If he can be firm, have them both move out, so that the house is just for the 3 of you ( you, him and his kid), and he sets solid boundaries, then ok, maybe.
Or, if you can pull it off, leave the two of them there, and your BF and daughter move in with you. But, the 2 grandmas are going to get older, and need more and more help and care over time....it may not be sustainable that they live in a house by themselves.
BarbBrooklyn has given you an even more stern answer!
He’s committed to caring for his mom and aunt, which leaves you as an afterthought.
It sounds like you are interested in being number one in your partner’s life. As of now, you are in second place. I don’t think anyone appreciates being in second place.
You aren’t the one who should compromise in this situation.
Your boyfriend, his mom and his aunt should be the ones who should do whatever is necessary for him to start a new life with you. Don’t hold your breath!
This arrangement may have worked out for all of them initially, and they are set in their ways.
How comfortable are you with asking him to see a therapist? Many couples have made arrangements to see a therapist before moving in together.
Are you willing to tell him that he has ‘X’ amount of time to give you a definitive answer?
Personally, I would rather ditch the three years that you have spent with him, rather than living in
misery with his aunt and mom.
Best of luck regarding this matter.
I advise you to watch the movie Moonstruck.
So take off your "rose colored glasses" this will NEVER be a family of 3.
This is a family of 4 and you will most likely always be an "outsider".
If you love him and want to continue the relationship as it is ....great. So if you are happy with the current arrangement keep it as such, if not break ties so you can get on with your life. 3 years is a long time to invest in something that is not going to change, get better.
Your BF needs to see you as a priority, and not through pressure but because he understands this is what it takes for a romantic relationship to endure. Maybe diplomatically suggest he talk to a therapist so that he can identify and defend heathy boundaries. Even if you get him to move out, if it wasn't his own idea he will continue to have unhealthy boundaries in an house with his teenage daughter (and you are NOT her Mom so that may be a challenging relationship until she moves out).
My Mom lived with me and my husband when my first child was born. We had a business and both worked full time and her help was invaluable (shopping, cooking, cleaning, errands) but I knew we could live with her 24/7. As it turned out she was able to buy the house next door. It was "close enough". But she is still my Mom and often still treats me like I'm 8 and your BF's Mom will continue to do that to him as well unless he creates a boundary.
FYI he will most likely become the "assumed" caregiver for 2 elders... this is won't be sustainable. Also, he has to stop supporting them financially because he is robbing from him, you and his daughter's futures.
Maybe consider doing therapy together? BetterHelp.com is accessible and affordable therapy online.
They should room together or do whatever they please, but do know if your boyfriend won't address this then he isn't a keeper. Move on. It will be hard enough to have a teen, not your child, and you moving in with BF let alone the two grannys.
If boyfriend won't do this stay just as you are. No marriage. No children.
See pre marital counselor to get it together with a guide as to what you will and won't do.
Given he moved them both in I have little trust that this is the man for you.
But you as an adult will make your own choice. If you move in as it is I hope you will not bring a child into this situation.
Run
Mom/Aunt have it made, they run the show. They aren't going to move out without a fight. They don't care about HIS life, other than running it. You are seen as a temporary intruder and their worst nightmare.
He's totally controlled by these Biddies. If he does manage to get them out, he shouldn't pay for their new place either.
Only way he will be free is if he sells his house and buys another smaller one. A 2 bedroom, 2 bath, for you two and daughter. Otherwise, you are burning daylight in this relationship.
Love is a two way street. As far as I was concerned he became a dead end road. The relationship was going nowhere. I wasn’t willing to waste my time with him anymore.
Another time he told me that I would never forget him if I ended the relationship. I looked him straight in the eye and said that very shortly he was going to become a distant memory for me.
I don’t care if you do have three years invested in this relationship. I would rather cut my losses and ditch him. It certainly beats sharing him with his mom and aunt! Make this guy a distant memory for you.
It seem like a different version of the traditional man bread-winner, female home duties & childcare. Mom & Aunt are not his Wife obviously, but the set up is stable & seems to work for them.
But being the 5th family member & living separatly is not working for you.
Is he willing to transition to a new household?
To break up his 4 person household to reshape into a 3 person household - with his daughter & youself?
Are you willing to continue the relationship if you stay living apart?
Some people do. They re-partner but keep separate living arrangements, maybe until the children are grown or go away to college.
Others may join the multi-gen household, with an 'in for a penny in for a pound' attitude.
Personally, unless the home is a Downton Abbey or Danish Palace sized place, this would be not be my thing.
Families can come in many shapes & sizes.
Can you find a compromise?
It is even more strange because when I press questions about what his future plan is (in general).. answer is, I don’t know. Like c’mon, I am sitting beside him and yet there is not even a mention of me in that future life of his. The sign is so clear, it is staring at me and I chose to ignore it.
I know how scary it is to be single and in your 50s but, you need to make some decisions before you are in your 60s being the weekend fling.
He has made it very clear that daughter, momma and auntie are his priority and that the 2 latter have his ear. When someone shows you who they are, believe them!
Maybe BF could sell his house. Do u really want to live in a house he shared with his wife? He then tells Mom and Aunt they will need to find a nice apt or even a small house for them to live in because he is setting up house
with you. That 3 adult woman cannot live together. That he appreciates everything they did for him and daughter but it's time for him to move on. He could help get them set up by paying their first month's rent and security. Buy them new furniture. On two small incomes they should be able to do it together. But, boundaries are going to need to be set up. You and his daughter are his priority. Your needs come before theirs.
If you have told him what you want and need, then the ball is in his court. (This is what I want and if you want the same thing then up to u to solve the problem) Give him time to solve it. Don't bring up the subject again. If he does, the answer is no, not living with Aunt and Mom. If he doesn't, he likes things just the way they are. If he drags his feet, I may start finding stuff to do on weekends. If your asked out by another man go. Right now ur relationship is just a b***y call. There is no commitment. When a man loves you they want to be with u all the time. They also will do whatever it takes to be with you.
I married (too) young. 20. My DH was so insistent and SO pushy. And my own mother was telling me that I was on the verge of being an old maid and since I wasn't very good lookin (yup, my MOM said that) I should be thrilled that this incredibly handsome guy wanted me. (BTW, I had dated over 50 guys prior to meeting DH, so I had something going for me---realized too late!)...
So, even after breaking up with him 3 xs b/c I couldn't bear his mother--and wanting to finish college--I married him.
OK, within a year I realized I was not his #1. His mother was. We never lived with her or anything, but she was horrid to me before we married and once she realized that she could say or do anything to me and DH would NEVER stand up for me, she became verbally abusive---48 years of this and it never stopped until I simply refused to have anything to do with her. And DH was angry with me for a solid 2 years for refusing to bend on this.
Parts of me do regret marrying so young and being so damn naive. But there was so much pressure on me--from DH, from my mom who wanted me out of the house--it just got too hard.
We have not had a horrible marriage, but as far as his priorities--mom has always come ahead of me and I simply adapted to that. Everybody sees it. My kids hate it, and have no loving feelings towards their g-ma. Everyone's marriage dynamic is different, and ours just gave MIL waaaaay too much power and control. She's still alive and still being a pill. But DH has finally awakened to what and who she is.
Only since she has become demented, and has zero filter has DH had conversations with him where she runs me down to the ground---and he finally believes everything I would tell him. But--48 years?
I did, and so, love my DH. However, it has come at a huge cost.
You are not committed to this relationship. You have the freedom to walk away. The dating period of a relationship is when you have to be wide eyed and introspective. Once you're married---it's MUCH harder.
I can't honestly say I wish I hadn't married my DH. I wish he had been more assertive with her about treating me well.
If I were you? I'd cut and run as fast as possible. Things DO NOT GET BETTER if you marry a guy whose not putting you first.
It is rare that a mother/daughter or MIL/DIL can share a household without strife. Even in the best of situations there is some conflict. But literally the only way it works is if both parties respect each other and each other's boundaries, appreciate differences, and allow each other the space to grow all of their relationships, and know how to share really well.
They certainly aren't likely to be very happy that you are coming in and telling him that you want them out (I'm not saying that is what you said or how you said it, just how THEY will interpret it, because THEIR sweet baby boy would NEVER!!)
If they are already openly critical of you NOW...do you really think things will improve in any of the scenarios you described? And a better question. What does HE do when they are openly critical? Men who grow up in female only households or who live in them for extended periods of time generally have a pretty decent self-preservation ability. How is he handling your questions and suggestions? Is he playing you against them? Is he telling you one thing and them another? Is he making them AND you promises he can't possibly keep?
Sometimes it's hard but it's better to cut your losses in order to find better opportunities down the road.
You said "our decision is for the grandmas to live in an apartment so we can have our own independence and privacy". Has he shared that with them? Like - just like that. WE have decided? Or did he say "Lucy thinks it would be best for our relationship". Because I'm guessing it wasn't "Mom, Auntie...there comes a time in a man's life where he needs space. It is MY decision."
As an aside, becoming a stepmom to a teenager, especially a 13-year-old girl is one of the most difficult things I can imagine. It is one of the most difficult times of a child's life and lashing out at a stepmom becomes a hobby with some teens.
I personally waited 3 yrs to move in until the kid was 18 and off to college. Relationships are difficult enough...
I know that you wanted this relationship to work out. Grieve the loss of what might have been, then comfort yourself for being wise.
You know that you made the best decision for your future. I am proud of you for not staying in a relationship that was going nowhere.