Backstory: I'm 26 and my mom is 66. My dad (her husband) died suddenly when I was 19. My brother is currently 19 and in college. My mom had breast cancer a few years ago, but is fully recovered from that now.
I moved about 4 hours away to a new city 3 years ago. About a year ago, my mom started showing signs of forgetfulness (forgetting to pay bills, not opening mail, losing things, forgetting how to get places, etc.) Over the past year we've gone to doctors, had tests done, and I've tried to help out best I can long distance and also visiting home every month or so. We were exploring the idea of Assisted Living and/or hiring a geriatric care manager about a year ago, but never pulled the plug.
Things just have not gotten better in the past year and some things are worse. She loses her credit cards all the time, sometimes will trip and fall if she's on a walk, and gets lost easily. When she gets lost, she just comes back home. I've shown her how to use Google Maps on her phone to pull up directions (she used to be able to do this), but it's like she lost this ability. She just gets confused so easily and has given up on taking care of the house. She just does nothing all day.
The whole situation makes me so anxious and angry. When I'm in my hometown taking care of her, I'm angry and resentful. When I'm back in my apartment in my city, I'm worried about her. What if she falls and I'm not there? What if she has an accident? What if something happens? It's not out of line to worry considering there have been emergencies and I wasn't there to help. Sometimes I can't eat or sleep because I'm just so anxious over this situation.
She agrees she needs help and wants to move into assisted living within the year. I have no idea how to go about selling the house or what this means for my brother. He rarely visits home, but he's highly against moving our mom into assisted living (he's attached to the house). I get it because he needs a homebase, but I need to think in her best interest. (Right now my best idea is selling the house and getting an apartment nearby whatever AL place she ends up to act as our "homebase".)
Anyway, my main question is if I should move back to my hometown. Selling the house and figuring out all these logistics are going to be difficult and time consuming and emotionally draining. My lease is up in a couple of months and I feel like it doesn't make sense to sign a new lease and then be spending consecutive weeks/months in my hometown. My job has the ability to be remote when needed and they would probably let me go remote full time for a few months. I hate the idea of going remote, I have my closest friends at work and I feel like I'm missing out on career opportunities by going remote.
I don't want to do this. It makes me so upset that I might have to move back to my hometown. I know it's just temporary, but I already feel like I've given up so much. My mom and I have both been in contact with our town's senior center and I'm currently looking into hiring a geriatric care manager ASAP.
Sorry for this giant rant that is probably all over the place. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Selling her house is not a big deal have a few real-estate agents visit, they will sell you what needs to be done and what the estimate is for what the home will sell for. The funds from her home should help pay for IL or AL.
There are many senior apartment complexes as well that she can live in until the need for AL comes up.
As for your brother, he will have to deal with it, he is an adult, he can visit a friend if he needs a place to stay when he comes back to his hometown.
Don't move back to your hometown, bad idea.
Do you have financial and/or medical Power of Attorney for your mom?
Do you have any idea what sort of financial shape she's in? Can she afford Assisted Living?
I would not move back. For starts, I want you to read this thread:
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/if-you-are-going-to-become-a-caregiver-480769.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�
You are going to need to find an Elder Law attorney in mom's area, preferably one who has a social worker or Geriatric Care Manager on staff. You use my mom's money to pay for the lawyer.
Your 19-year-old brother has no say in the matter, as it isn't HIS life that will be affected.
At your age, your primary focus needs to be building a career and a family of your own.
Hopefully, between the sale of mom's home and her SS/pension/savings/life insurance from dad, she has enough to move into a good AL or Memory Care facility.
I am an only child, when I was 23 my dad passed away. After the average 1 yr grieving time of going through all the "firsts" without my dad I figured my mom would come out of her sad/confused slump as I had, but she got much much worse. She was only 58 by then so I figured "She's a widowed adult she can make her own decisions even if I don't like them" because who would think it's Dementia at 58? I am now 28 and my mom is 62, and after many fights with Doctors last year she is now diagnosed with Alzheimer's and I fully believe she would not have this diagnosis or at least be this progressed with the disease at this age if it wasn't for the sudden/traumatic passing of my dad which I feel "started" it.
I am constantly dealing with the decision to move back into her home. I did not have the best time growing up with her and the trauma of my dad passing at the home still haunts me. Since she's been diagnosed so relatively young I keep asking myself: Is she on a fast-tracked version of Alz that will lead to her dying quicker than average? Or is she going to live longer than average since she is so young? If it is the latter then where is the $$ supposed to come from to care for her for so long? The longer I can keep her at home the more $$ there will be to care for her later on when she has declined and needs more personal daily care.
As far as the question of Do you move back in? 85% of people in all these forums and Facebook groups I've seen say "No, do not do it, you will become miserable!!" and with your young age you will be stuck longer.
But for now - Step 1 is to get Durable and Health POA paperwork done. POA has to be your mom's idea, so she has to be cognizant enough to walk into the lawyers office and say "I want to make my daughter POA and my son back-up POA". If she is not able to do that then you will have to do things the hard way and get Guardianship over her.
Step 2 - Hire an in-home caregiver (using your mom's $$) to visit your mom for a few hours a day, I have one for my mom and she just plays board games with her and goes for a walk around the neighborhood together, my mom loves the company and it makes me feel better knowing that someone is there seeing her regularly.
Step 3 - Set up a bunch of Ring Cameras inside and outside her house so you can keep watch on her until such time you decide to move in with her. It also helps because I can speak to my mom over the Camera when she hasn't responded to my texts/calls on her cell.
Step 4 - Is your mom still working at all? If yes, get her diagnosed with Dementia by a Dr then have her stop working, and applying for Social Security Disability Income. If she is not working, since she is 66 get her started on taking her regular Social Security payments instead of Disability. No point waiting to start the payments later on for a bigger monthly allowance when she is in this state and most likely will not be living another 20-30 yrs. Get as much $ as you can while you can for her.
Step 5 - How is your brother paying for college right now? Is mom helping at all? Does he need to reside in the current state in order to get a better tuition rate? Is he on your mom's health insurance since he is under 26? Your brother is rightfully in denial at19 but he is going to get punched in the face with the severity of this situation, so you two need to work through this together.
Step 6 - Find your mom's money. Look through all the mail, get her passwords for all websites while she can remember them. Pull the 3 free credit reports on your mom to check if she has any bank accts you haven't found yet. Check if she has life insurance, and if it has a Long Term Care clause, or if she has a separate Long Term Care ins policy, if so then get that policy claim activated ASAP.
By the way, MarCar:
“Or is she going to live longer than average since she is so young?”
Your mom can live for a long time with AZ.
How are you doing? Have you thought about what you might want to do?
If the time comes when I need care, I would never expect my daughters to sacrifice their lives for my care.
Please live your life according to your own desires. Don’t allow your brother to interfere with your needs or your mother’s care.
Best wishes to you and your family.
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