Almost 2 years ago my mother had 2 heart attacks and both times she ended up in comas. The last heart attack she was without oxygen for a long enough time that when she woke up from the coma she incurred an anoxic brain injury. Now she can’t take care of herself at all. From the hospital the second time she was placed in a care facility. I would go and visit her to check on her and I was trying to team up with most of my 10 siblings to get her endeavors in order because she no longer could. Nobody wanted to help but most of them lived with her. During my visits to the care facility, my mother would be super drugged up to the point she couldn’t remember who came to visit her. She fell on her butt a few times trying to get out of bed. During the times where she was coherent enough to explain things to me, she said they took forever to change her or get her to the bathroom so she tried to do it herself and that’s how she fell. I was greatly concerned I even shared my concerns with my siblings. Okay so, she was in the nursing facility for about 7months. Her mother in law came to visit her one day and saw she wasn’t looking so well, so the facility sent her to the hospital. I am the oldest out of 11 of my mother’s children. I have the most stable and secure living. I have two teens and I have been married for 15 years, together with my husband a total of 17 years. We have not always had the best marriage but we manage to last as long as we have. I didn’t grow up with my mother. I grew up in foster care. Me and 5 of my other siblings. Without me going into full details, I had a really rough childhood. I reunited with my mother when I was 18 years old and everything I was told it would be it wasn’t. Over the years prior to her being sick there has been so many other issues between childhood trauma with my mother and my siblings. I knew when she had her first heart attack that someone was going to have to step up to the plate and be responsible for her. At the time she had two teens who hadn’t yet turned 18 years old and they didn’t have the best life growing up with her to be equipped to go out into the world on their own. She lived off section 8 with no consistent job, no bank account with savings and her medical insurance through the welfare system. So, she gets moved to a temporary rehabilitation center after the last trip to the hospital. She didn’t want to go back to the facility that was covered under her insurance. Time wound down and the social worker at the facility asked me if I had a place for her because her insurance didn’t approve of her staying any longer. During the time of her first heart attack, I had been talking with my husband about her possibly coming to stay with us. He agreed with stipulations. My two siblings could not come. My husband is not fond of my family at all because over the years he has seen how I’ve been treated. It’s been a year since she’s been with us. I turned my living room into her bedroom. I take care of all of her business, take her to doctor’s appointments, I am her care giver and POA. I do everything for her, my 2 teens help me as well. I don’t ask my husband to do anything. My husband does not want her here at all. To the point he’s threatening to leave. He said he wants his family but he doesn’t want her here and he’s tried but he can’t shake how he feels. In my mind, I feel like he might as well leave because if he makes me choose I will hate him and our marriage will never be the same. I talked to him about her coming numerous of times. If he didn’t want her to come he should have told me and not have said yes and a year later put me in this position to have to choose. I don’t hold my past against her. I think about when I get older, if I got sick, I would hope someone wouldn’t hold my mistakes against me and have a heart to care for me if I needed. I have forgiven her and choose to honor her because that’s what the Bible tells me. I don’t want to lose my family for caring for my mom.
You aren't responsible for your Mother's happiness. It totally stinks that she's having bad health problems. Find as good a facility for her as you can. Be a vigilant advocate for her. But preserve your marriage.
Do you really want to choose living in some small apartment with her and split custody with your own children? Because that doesn’t sound like the most stable arrangement for anyone including mom.
About people taking care of you when you get old, don't have any expectations. Make your own plans for your elder years. Don't expect your children to take care of you when you get to old age.
You confused the biblical principle of honoring your mother. I think what you are looking for is approval. You are showing her that you are willing to throw out your immediate family you created with your husband and children in the trash to have a relationship with her. If she was in her right mind and health, you would be a second or third thought. A real parent would not allow you to wreck your own life to take care of theirs.
My advice; honor your marriage and the children you created with your husband.
Your husband sees how your family leeches off others and look to others to carry their weight when they run out of options which is other folks who are willing to cover the slack or government subsidies. Proper education and job training courses is where to start.
Save your marriage before it is nothing left to salvage. Start placement for your mother like yesterday.
So to say that you owe her is not true.
You do owe your own children, however. They should be engaging in after school stuff with friends, not cleaning grandmas depends. And you should be working to ensure not only their future, but yours.
Being that her last children were minors themselves, she sounds like she’s at most about 60. She could go on for years while you lose income not working and your kids lose the last bit of their childhood while potentially your husband leaves you.
If your husband wrote into us instead of you writing into to us. Asking us what he should do, most on here would tell him, if he can't get his wife to put mom in a facility then he should leave. We would tell him he has to think of his own mental health and more importantly the mental health of his children and the tension in your home is not healthy for them
I understand why you are doing what you are doing, but that doesn't make it the right decision. Your mom all ready ruined your childhood, don't let her ruin your children's child hood.
I strongly advise you today right now, give your husband a huge hug, tell him , thank you for putting up with mom the last 2 years, then get on the phone and get your mom placed.
You say you are doing this because of the Bible, I suspect there is more to it. As children we need are mothers love, you never had that, and your still understandably still looking for that.
So after you hug your husband, make your calls, also if you are not please get some counseling. You have had so much damage done to you.
Please keep in touch, and let us know how things are going.
My very best wishes to you.
like I expressed to my husband; If he doesn’t want her here. No, I wouldn’t be happy with it. But I at least need time to get her endeavors in order to find her a better care facility. He wants her out NOW. That is what bothers me. Because almost every single day I have to relive the trauma from my childhood through my husbands rants when I have had counseling, chose to forgive my mother and move forward. We are in marriage counseling. So we can happily make it through another 15 years, if possible. Yes, we have marital issues.
In my mind…which is why I am here…if he knew he did not want her to come here. He should have said no from the beginning. We had been having this same discussion since her first heart attack and during the 7 months she was in the care facility. He never changed his mind. Until a year later a few months ago. Now I’m placed in a position where I don’t know what else to do. That is what makes me say, If I have to choose between my mother and my husband I will hate him. Because to send her back to the only facility that her current insurance accepts. If she dies, and ends up in worse health. I will strongly feel some way about that. Since my mother has lived with us, her health has improved. She has not had a heart attack, had to go to the emergency room and I have rehabilitated her to the point of at least using the commode on her own.
I don't completely believe his feelings are coming strictly from him not wanting her here. I believe his feelings are also coming from the place in his heart where he wants a better relationship with his mother. That’s something he chooses to not speak to our therapists about. It has to be when he is ready. But he has said over and over, it makes him feel some type of way that my mother is here after everything she’s down and not done and I’m choosing to take care of her when he can’t even get a phone call or answered phone call from his mother.
We have made plans to move into a bigger home. For more privacy and we both agreed on it and he’s said numerous of times that it would make him feel better about it. But he still chooses to rant almost every day or every other day about her being here and he wants her gone.
I do not slave my children to help me care for my mother. I always put their studies and recreational activities before asking them for help.
When I do ask them for help…it is either because I am in the middle of cooking meals for my family, working on my business fulfilling orders, or because I’m tired and just need the extra help. I also pay them for their services. At the same time, I can’t choose my family. This is their grandmother. My daughter is very close to my mother, her grandmother. There are times I have to pull her off the couch in the room of my mother and get her in her own bed because she wants to sleep with her grandmother.
At the end of the day…K already made my choice and that was my husband. I married him. There is so much more to this story and how she ended up in our home because our home was not my first choice. But people made decisions without doing their research. Put me in a position to take over and the social worker from the temporary facility said she heeded somewhere to go immediately or they would place her back in the same care facility.
The fact that you can't or won't put him first if you had to choose, says WAY more about the bad shape your marriage is in than the fact that your mom is now living in your living room.
Sounds like you already made the choice of putting your mom before your husband, and perhaps because you're trying to regain the love that you never received from her when you were a child. A good therapist can help you sort all that out.
You took your wedding vows to your husband not your mom, and honoring your mom DOES NOT mean that you must do all the hands on care for her in your home, but it can mean making sure that she's receiving the best care possible in a the nicest facility her money will buy.
And since it sounds like money is an issue for her, you'll have to apply for Medicaid for her and then get her placed.
I'm sorry you had a difficult childhood, are in a difficult situation with your mom and and are in an unhappy marriage, but only you can make the necessary changes to improve things.
So what's it going to be.....save your marriage, family and your home life, or continue to try and make up for lost time with your mom by caring for her in your home and losing your marriage, family and home life? The choice is yours.
Because of the type of insurance she has and the state we live in, there are not a lot of resources she qualifies for. I am working on getting her switched over to straight Medicaid and I have already completed the process for her disability, just waiting for her to get approved. I took her through a divorce in order to get approved for pca services. I also work from home and have my small business. Both of my children are in sports and their grades are exceptional. They both attend a magnet school. My son just experienced his first homecoming and both my children will get to experience prom. I am very active in both my children’s lives personally and educationally.
I am not looking for anyone to tell me I shouldn’t put her back in a care facility. I just want genuine advice.
I have therapists that my husband and I do video chat with once a week together and we can speak with them individually as well. They are a God fearing married couple and are both professionals.
Our therapists told my husband he should be more supportive because that is my mother.
I do understand that I do not owe my mother anything. I know that she didn’t raise me. I had a terrible childhood growing up because neither of my parents did what they were supposed to do. I chose to make better choices with my life because I didn’t want the same and I chose to be a better parent to our children because I didn’t want them to experience any of the things I did as a child and young adult.
I do understand what the Bible says about my husband and I being one and I also understand putting my immediate family needs before my parents and my siblings.
I want to take care of my mother, yes because even as an adult I longed for my mother. I don’t hold my past against her. Upon me reuniting with her as a very young adult I think I did enough for her to understand my hurt and pain.
my husband and I have really good jobs and our insurance is good. Our children will not have to take care of us if we get sick and old. I wouldn’t want to intrude on them and their family. I want to be help to them and their family even when I get older.
taking care of my mother isn’t easy. Because I already have so much on my plate. Her other children don’t have themselves together enough and they don’t want to share the load.
I have spoken with my husband asked him to give me time to at least get her better insurance and better resources so she doesn’t have to go back to the same care facility because right now, that is her only option because of her current insurance.
So the answer here is pretty simple. Don't move her into your house. This only becomes complicated if you allow people to make it complicated.
Remember that and your five siblings grew up in foster care because your mother woudn't get her act together and be a parent. Instead of working like hell to be able to get her six kids back and be a mother to them, she went out and had more kids instead. I think it's great that you can forgive and have a relationship with her. Forgive, but never forget.
Your mother didn't give you a home and provide for you. So in no universe do you owe her a home and caregiving.
You don't. She's lucky you even speak to her and let her have a relationship with you and your kids. That's generous of you.
Let your other siblings who live in her home worry about the caregiving needs. No doubt them having a roof over theirheads depends on whether or not she comes home. Please, DO NOT let yourself be roped into taking her in out of some misguided guilt-trip or because your family pressures you to. Don't do it.
Turning a living room into a bedroom so you can care for this person......
Having your children help you care for their grandmother........(a woman that really is not a "mother" to you)
You say when you get older..if you got sick you would hope someone would not hold your mistakes against you and have the heart to care for you...
Do you want YOUR children, or one of your kids to give up their marriage, their family to care for you even if it means animosity that their spouse will have for the situation?
Caring for someone does not mean that you personally have to give up your life to care for them.
Caring for someone means that you see to it that they get the care that they need.
Can mom afford caregivers? Even a few hours can make a difference.
Have you searched organizations that can provide help? Your local Senior Service Center, Area Agency on Aging, is she due any Social Security benefits from her marriage? Was her husband a Veteran? if so she may be entitled to Aid and Attendance.
You can not do this alone as you well know, and it is not fair to make grandma your kids responsibility.
You say you chose to honor her because that is what the bible says.. How about this. (just switch gender roles)
Matthew 19:5 "For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and the two shall be one flesh.
and this
Genesis 2:24 "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."
It all comes down to choice.
I don't believe that it is right, nor that we are expected to throw our own lives on the burning funeral pyre of our elders. I believe they have had their lives. I believe our obligation is to ourselves and our own families to live good and productive lives.
If you look up the word "honor" you will fine definitions enough there to suit any action you choose to take. You can decide for yourself, but cannot decide for your siblings.
I can only wish you the best whatever decision you make, and ask that if you decide to take your mother into your own home and care, you do so understanding that this is a choice that may not be sustainable, and IF it is not, then you reverse the decision and honor your own limitations. You are not a nursing home with several shifts having several workers each. You are one person; you will get little help. To my mind, that simply isn't doable. I spent my career as an RN. I know what it takes. And it takes an army of nursing personnel beside you to get it done properly.
Good luck.
If Mom has no money, then find a nice facility that takes Medicaid. You can be her advocate. You can be there for her without doing the physical caring. If she ends up in the hospital, tell the SW you can no longer care for her. Then have her transferred from the hospital to LTC. Rehab even easier because they may have LTC attached to them. Its just transitioning her to the LTC side.
"they took forever to change her or get her to the bathroom"
Your Mom probably now suffers from Dementia. She probably has no conception of time. Forever for her may only be a few minutes. Aides have other residents they care for.
You will burn out. Your time should be for you DH and your children. Do you really want to miss their milestones. First date, first prom, getting rewards. You owe your children you don't owe your mother.
like I expressed to my husband; If he doesn’t want her here. No, I wouldn’t be happy with it. But I at least need time to get her endeavors in order to find her a better care facility. He wants her out NOW. That is what bothers me. Because almost every single day I have to relive the trauma from my childhood through my husbands rants when I have had counseling, chose to forgive my mother and move forward. We are in marriage counseling. So we can happily make it through another 15 years, if possible. Yes, we have marital issues.
In my mind…which is why I am here…if he knew he did not want her to come here. He should have said no from the beginning. We had been having this same discussion since her first heart attack and during the 7 months she was in the care facility. He never changed his mind. Until a year later a few months ago. Now I’m placed in a position where I don’t know what else to do. That is what makes me say, If I have to choose between my mother and my husband I will hate him. Because to send her back to the only facility that her current insurance accepts. If she dies, and ends up in worse health. I will strongly feel some way about that. Since my mother has lived with us, her health has improved. She has not had a heart attack, had to go to the emergency room and I have rehabilitated her to the point of at least using the commode on her own.
I don't completely believe his feelings are coming strictly from him not wanting her here. I believe his feelings are also coming from the place in his heart where he wants a better relationship with his mother. That’s something he chooses to not speak to our therapists about. It has to be when he is ready. But he has said over and over, it makes him feel some type of way that my mother is here after everything she’s down and not done and I’m choosing to take care of her when he can’t even get a phone call or answered phone call from his mother.
We have made plans to move into a bigger home. For more privacy and we both agreed on it and he’s said numerous of times that it would make him feel better about it. But he still chooses to rant almost every day or every other day about her being here and he wants her gone.
I do not slave my children to help me care for my mother. I always put their studies and recreational activities before asking them for help.
When I do ask them for help…it is either because I am in the middle of cooking meals for my family, working on my business fulfilling orders, or because I’m tired and just need the extra help. I also pay them for their services. At the same time, I can’t choose my family. This is their grandmother. My daughter is very close to my mother, her grandmother. There are times I have to pull her off the couch in the room of my mother and get her in her own bed because she wants to sleep with her grandmother.
At the end of the day…K already made my choice and that was my husband. I married him. There is so much more to this story and how she ended up in our home because our home was not my first choice. But people made decisions without doing their research. Put me in a position to take over and the social worker from the temporary facility said she heeded somewhere to go immediately or they would place her back in the same care facility.
"Most adults are still living for the approval of their parents. Trying to get the love they didn't get as children. Living life for someone else leads to one path: regret. The most important skill to develop as an adult is the ability to disappoint."
@the.holistic.psychologist
Honor your children and your husband now. And leave mother to one of the other 10 children she had, or to a better Skilled Nursing facility than the one she was at. Honor the woman who gave birth to you by showing her respect and making sure she's safe, either in home or in managed care. Nowhere is it written that YOU must do hands on care and I think you know that. You just want your DH to be on board with a situation he finds untenable.
My issue is…prior to me bringing my mother to our home…I discussed this with my husband several times. Informing him on how big the task would be and letting him know it may get bigger than what I have an idea of. I did express to him if he said NO, I would be okay with it. He said yes, she could come, with the stipulation that my two minor siblings would have to find someone else to live with. My brother turned 18 years old and ended getting a job and living with his gf. My 17 year old sister lives with one of our siblings.
like I expressed to my husband; If he doesn’t want her here. No, I wouldn’t be happy with it. But I at least need time to get her endeavors in order to find her a better care facility. He wants her out NOW. That is what bothers me. Because almost every single day I have to relive the trauma from my childhood through my husbands rants when I have had counseling, chose to forgive my mother and move forward. We are in marriage counseling. So we can happily make it through another 15 years, if possible. Yes, we have marital issues.
In my mind…which is why I am here…if he knew he did not want her to come here. He should have said no from the beginning. We had been having this same discussion since her first heart attack and during the 7 months she was in the care facility. He never changed his mind. Until a year later a few months ago. Now I’m placed in a position where I don’t know what else to do. That is what makes me say, If I have to choose between my mother and my husband I will hate him. Because to send her back to the only facility that her current insurance accepts. If she dies, and ends up in worse health. I will strongly feel some way about that. Since my mother has lived with us, her health has improved. She has not had a heart attack, had to go to the emergency room and I have rehabilitated her to the point of at least using the commode on her own.
I don't completely believe his feelings are coming strictly from him not wanting her here. I believe his feelings are also coming from the place in his heart where he wants a better relationship with his mother. That’s something he chooses to not speak to our therapists about. It has to be when he is ready. But he has said over and over, it makes him feel some type of way that my mother is here after everything she’s down and not done and I’m choosing to take care of her when he can’t even get a phone call or answered phone call from his mother.
We have made plans to move into a bigger home. For more privacy and we both agreed on it and he’s said numerous of times that it would make him feel better about it. But he still chooses to rant almost every day or every other day about her being here and he wants her gone.
I do not slave my children to help me care for my mother. I always put their studies and recreational activities before asking them for help.
When I do ask them for help…it is either because I am in the middle of cooking meals for my family, working on my business fulfilling orders, or because I’m tired and just need the extra help. I also pay them for their services. At the same time, I can’t choose my family. This is their grandmother. My daughter is very close to my mother, her grandmother. There are times I have to pull her off the couch in the room of my mother and get her in her own bed because she wants to sleep with her grandmother.
At the end of the day…I already made my choice and that was my husband. I married him. There is so much more to this story and how she ended up in our home because our home was not my first choice. But people made decisions without doing their research. Put me in a position to take over and the social worker from the temporary facility said she heeded somewhere
Husband
Children
Parents
Siblings
I cannot fathom why you would want her to live with you and your family, makes no logical sense to me.
She was a terrible mother, accept that, stop trying to change the story line by thinking since you have taken her into your home she will finally love and care about you...she doesn't and never will.
As for the bible, to my knowledge, doesn't say to care for a parent that they have to live with you, that is what you made up to justify your position with your husband.
This sounds like a marriage problem that you are trying to overshadow. Honestly, I feel sorry for your children, they should not be having to help you care for your mother, they should be able to enjoy the living room and their childhood.
I would recommend that you get some therapy to work through your issues, hating your husband because he wants to do the right thing for his family is hard for me to wrap my head around.
Do what is right for your family, they deserve your dedication to them.
One time we had to look around at Nursing Homes for an In-Law and it was quite shocking to discover a major difference between them all, The First place we toured was a Nightmare -a real Hell-Hole, that Reeked of urine with patients crowded into the lobby shoulder to shoulder to spend their day, among some shouting, and with nothing to Do at all . The rooms they showed us were old , shabby, shared spaces with old twin beds , disheveled covers, and not much else to entertain themselves over,and no fresh air. DEE-PRESSING.
Of course-cross town were the big luxury style living places with all the amenities, and so quiet and peaceful, and much cleaner.
Should OP be referring to anything like that first place we saw that day -you too wouldn't want to put Anybody there, not even your dog. It's also the kind of place you'd Insist yourself-"Don't EVER put me in that place"!
Such places are living nightmares , while still costing residents a hefty sum .
OP is just requesting more Time to find what's more suitable, not just for Mom, but for Anybody. Does her husband even volunteer to go with her over the search ? He should. It's a great learning experience over becoming better aware of just how narrow our options can become, and what we may need to do, and what OP needs to do ,in order to avoid that great abyss, they have the Nerve to call a Care Facility.
"It’s been a year since she’s been with us. I turned my living room into her bedroom. I take care of all of her business, take her to doctor’s appointments, I am her care giver and POA. I do everything for her, my 2 teens help me as well. I don’t ask my husband to do anything. My husband does not want her here at all. To the point he’s threatening to leave....."
It's my opinion that "therapists" who are licensed and trained therapists but are firstly ruled by their religious beliefs and opinions do NOT make the best therapists. The cards are stacked against you if you go into religious based therapy.
Now, however, if you run your own life that way, with religion coming FIRST and FOREMOST and for the most part the ONLY question? Then I wouldn't bother with the therapy. If you believe you are religiously bound to care for your mother you have your answer fight there. There is utterly no point then to asking either us or any therapist what they think. It simply loses relevancy.
As I said, this is YOUR DECISION. No Forum can or should advise you how to act. No one should date go against what your own personal moral code and decision is. I back your decision for yourself 1,000%. I trust you to weigh properly your OBLIGATION to leave your parents and cleave unto your (The phrase "cleave unto thy husband" is from the Bible, Genesis 2:24. It says "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh".
Pretty much, anyone can find something in the bible to direct you to do one thing or another, and then read a bit further and find something to tell you to do the opposite. It is the nature of life. Confusion, that is.
Make your own decision best you can, and that's that. Asking a bunch of strangers will simple add to your confusion. As an atheist I don't measure my limitations by the advice of any book or person; I have learned to recognize and honor my own limitations.
When you asked your husband if mom could come and he agreed he may HONESTLY did not mind her moving in, and the care that she requires.
Fast forward 2 years and the reality is a lot different than the words.
Everyone is entitled to change their mind, redirect the focus of their life.
I am sure that he did not wake up one morning and say "I don't want your mother here, I'm going to leave" I am sure that there were complaints, grumblings, "tiffs" maybe an outright argument about this before he said he would leave.
Sharing a home with someone is a BIG deal.
I think it is time to look for a placement for mom if you want to keep your family intact.
If mom is on Hospice the Social Worker can help.
If mom has a Social Worker/case worker they may be able to help.
There are Group homes/board and care homes. Mom may be eligible for Skilled Nursing if her medical needs require that level of care.
Your husband is on the verge of leaving, sister. It sounds to the point where next month or next week or even tomorrow he divulges that he’s seen a divorce lawyer for options and so should you. I had this happen to me and it was by far a bigger gut punch than my dad’s illness or death. Plus, you have kids who will be severely disrupted.
I would move her back to the facility she qualifies for, today. The more you and whatever siblings allegedly living in her s8 apartment show up to visit, the better care she’ll receive over those residents without family to watch staff in person.
I am 60. My husband retired, and he wanted me to stay home and spend his retirement with him. My dad passed and I started going to moms 4 days a week, and when I wasn't there my mind was always on mom. That was not fair at all to him, I new it but didn't know how to stop it. Which added to my caregiver depression. Then I found AC, and learned to balance both so much better.
I stopped thinking and going to my mom's, and when I was getting better, we took a vacation, the first time I actually enjoyed life in some time.
This is what we all want for you!
Here's what you can look forward to as you age with no husband:
No one to protect you, nourish your dreams, no one to hold you when you're despairing over a death, a job loss, a car accident that totaled your vehicle. No one to cheer you up when you're sad, vacation with, or accompany to family events such as the graduation of your beautiful children that you raised together. (Not that all marriages end up being perfect, but that's another problem.)
"I think about when I get older, if I got sick, I would hope someone wouldn’t hold my mistakes against me and have a heart to care for me if I needed."
That will be a husband, not your mom.
Take the husband over the mom any day!
Even if he did, I doubt he’d be setting up his own mom in your mutual living room, let alone yours.
The life and all the activities you have listed make my head spin. It sounds like you don't have time to turn around. I understand why you are tired but you need to seriously take into consideration the fact that you are not honoring him. The bible also says that a man and wife are not to withold sex from each other except in a particular circumstance.
You need to set aside some of that busyness and spend that time and energy on intimacy with your husband and meet his needs as a man and husband. This is what bonds you as a couple. Without it you are roomates. No wonder he resents all this and is thinking of leaving! Nevermind he once agreed to her being there. People are allowed to change their minds when something turns out not to be what they thought. He has no privacy with you in his own home! His living room is a nursing home!
Maybe you could take a break from also managing the house and domestic tasks for everyone . You may want to consider discussing leaving the House to your husband and kids, just for awhile and find a nice Care center that also allows your mom to have a partner -(adult child), with her at the facility , while she adapts to her new surroundings. Eventually, should you choose, you could move back Home again and leave mom at the facility. Should the facility be close to your Home, you could just spend part of the time there , but go back home more often . It doesn't have to be a Contest between all of you , but could serve as a time to regain a part of yourself , by even moving out, just temporarily. I'm sure you are exhausted so much by now, that , even with mom gone, you may feel too wasted to just drive back into "the swing of things" , especially with a spouse, but also teen children. There's a bad selfish, and a good selfish, and you may need some Time to also heal from all the crazy upbringing, then having chosen to marry soon after that and have a family , without having addressed the importance of Your place in the whole scheme of things.
What do YOU want? By answering that question , we have so much more to offer others . Perhaps your family will also enjoy some space and time to themselves as well, being able to reclaim their own home while looking forward to your return again, soon.
The 1 that changed name and owners has been bad for many many years. Hopefully things work out that for all of you!!
You, Cover, are someone that I cannot understand, always no consideration for the caregiver's well-being as if a caregiver's life and their family is disposable.
You seem to have found it easier to ‘forgive’ your mother for her appalling behavior, in spite of how she ruined eleven children’s lives. Forgive your husband for over-estimating the behavior that he could put up with. Forgive your husband for changing his views.
You decided that “someone was going to have to step up to the plate and be responsible for her”. That ‘someone’ should be the State system, just like it was the State system that stepped up for her 11 children. Don’t ruin your own life, your marriage and your own children, just because you can’t walk away from your regrets about your mother's bad behavior.
Live for the future of the people who love and need you NOW, not to make up for the past mistakes of others.
“For now” means nothing. There remains pressure for op to move the ball daily as to the eventuality of mom leaving. She should demonstrate good faith by visiting the additional facility choices she will have on her new version of Medicaid. She needs to realize that all Medicaid options are gonna somehow suck and pick the one that sucks less and make arrangements for her to move when the new insurance comes.
The OP's mother has 11 children, never really worked and lived off the welfare system her whole life, and most of her kids grew up in foster homes.
Would some high-end, super expensive, private care facility really be a good fit for someone like this? I can't see how a person like this would be comfortable with wealthy, upper-class residents.
It sounds like what you want is support for your decision to keep taking care of your mother in your home. You say that your husband agreed to this beforehand, and now he's in the wrong for not being more supportive.
You are not being fair to your husband or your children.
If he is shouting that he will leave, he very likely will leave. And you will be alone struggling with this burden you have chosen.
You should Never have brought your mother into your home in her condition to assume caregiving responsibilities.
It is time to find a suitable care home placement for her and do what you can to repair your marital relationship.
And find a therapist to talk through these feelings you have. There must be some reason you are trying so hard to take care of a mother who didn't take care of you.
your husband did the right thing and agreed but now wants his life back- and that is fair
sacrifices have been made - your husband didn’t agree to live for someone else
care is so under estimated - what we think we can cope with sometimes ends up as we can’t and it becomes oppressive
end of day it’s your decision
But your marriage deserves time and respect as well
visit more often?
If you wanted another view I would say time to concentrate on you
forget the past - do t look back cos that’s not where you’re going
Get some time and fun into your own life
if the care place isn’t up to scratch look at others
Just an idea
you have been through a lot - the time I think has come to now concentrate on you
if you feel you need counselling about your past speak to your doctor
but look after yourself
also - your husband supported you in the beginning behind he realised the full implications of what’s required
please try to accept his efforts
he has supported you
it just proved to be a bigger task that what he imagined and now making him very sad - the pressures of care and it happening in your home are really high
yiur decision end of day - another point of view says time for mother to move out and you concentrate on you a bit - you can still visit etc
best wishes to you
The answer is YES!
I can sense the immense pressure and emotional strain you’re feeling. You’ve been incredibly strong in managing your mother’s care while balancing your own family life. It’s understandable that you’re now at a crossroads, trying to do right by your mother while also protecting your marriage and family.
Home care could offer a middle ground, allowing your mother to stay in a comfortable, familiar environment without all the caregiving responsibilities falling solely on you. Here are some ways professional home care might help:
Personalized Care
A home care provider can offer tailored support, including assistance with daily activities like bathing, dressing, toileting, and medication management, so you don’t have to do everything yourself.
Relieving Family Strain
Professional caregivers can reduce the burden on you and your family, allowing you to spend quality time with your mother without feeling overwhelmed by the day-to-day tasks of caregiving.
Safety and Supervision
Trained caregivers can monitor your mother, helping to prevent falls and respond quickly in case of any health issues, ensuring she gets the care she needs.
Respite for You
Home care also provides respite care options, allowing you to take breaks, recharge, and spend time with your husband and children without feeling guilty or overextended.
In terms of how to pay for home care, there are several possibilities depending on your mother’s situation:
Medicare/Medicaid
These programs sometimes cover home health services for eligible individuals, especially if there are skilled medical needs.
Private Health Insurance
If your mother has a private plan, some policies may cover aspects of home care.
Long-term Care Insurance
If she has this type of insurance, it might help cover home care costs.
Out-of-pocket or Payment Plans
Many home care agencies offer flexible payment options based on your financial situation.
I know this is a lot to think about, but professional home care could help preserve your own family dynamics while ensuring your mother gets the care she needs.
Take care.