Should I quit my job?

I think it's a moot point, really, since the daycare probably won't open until mid summer ANYWAY, right? That gives you time to see how things play out once DH comes home. Play it by ear; if you love the job and want to do it, then by all means, do not quit for anyone or anything. Only YOU can decide if you're 'too old' to work, or if the job is too exhausting for you, right? Naturally, DH wants you around him 24/7, but that's what HE wants, not necessarily what YOU want! He has an ulterior motive wanting you to quit, and you can't blame him I guess.

As far as doing housework from sunup to sundown goes, hey buddy, if you're 'too old' to work in a daycare, you're WAY too old to do THAT much housework! It may be time for a heart-to-heart talk with DH once he does get home. You're not a servant and you don't need suggestions or supervision from him on what to do.

Best of luck Joy!

AhmiJoy, having followed your situation for some time, I can really sense the mental exasperation in your post, and can imagine how tired and frustrated you must be.  I reached that point some months before my father passed, and kept telling myself to "just hang in there" and do the best I could.

I think though that your husband's approach and attitude dictate, if not mandate, that you have some free time for yourself.    And I think that's just as, if not more, important than the money you make.  

Everyone needs time out, and especially self respect, which I think comes from earning a paycheck, but not necessarily from caregiving.

How do you feel about having a heart-to-heart talk with your husband about his attitude?   Would it be helpful?  Make a difference?  Or be a lost cause?   I think your decision turns on this.

Losing self esteem and self respect from caregiving is a slippery slope, and often hard to reclimb.   And that may be a part of your husband's attitude; I don't think many men would want to voluntarily be totally dependent on someone else...macho stuff and all that.  

I do know that Kroger has been advertising for a few weeks; it's hard work and probably requires a lot of standing, but you would be nominally interacting with other adults.    There's always the downside though of exposure to the virus.

I don't recall...are there any options for getting in home care?   That would be the ideal situation, I think, if it's financially feasible.    Sometimes elders are kinder to paid caregivers, and put on displays of nicety.    And it could be a break for you if you can find some good help.   

I don't like the me or him/her/them approach, but it may come to that.    If your husband won't change his attitude, you have more than the right to think of yourself first.  

Also, please check your messages in about 15 minutes.

Thinking of you, and hoping that you're able to find a decision that benefits you, and brings peace to you as well.

I'm sorry you're in the position, Ahmijoy. I may be blunt. Maybe this sequestering is making me cranky.

Don't quit unless YOU want to or choose to. You matter and what you WANT and NEED to do matters! (though, as you and lealonnie1 wrote, you're laid off).

For someone bed-bound to demand/ask someone else to be at his beck and call is selfish. And it's not up to him to tell you you're "too old" to work. That's YOUR call.

Your profile states your husband has mobility issues. Frankly, if he's questioning everything you do, then ask him to tell you what HE can do for the house and FOR YOU. He may be bedridden, but can he handle the mail and bills, write letters, handle the finances via a laptop, maybe even fold laundry?

You are his caregiver, but more importantly, you're HIS WIFE. He has responsibilities to you too.

“Escape”. Out of all your other well thought out pros and cons, that jumped out as I read it.

If it weren’t for MY escape I don’t think I could be getting out of bed. Could you use some of your “salary” to get someone in to rebalance your work schedule? Then you could defer some of DH’s concerns about YOUR housekeeping.

Maybe also it would be worth it for you to try not to think about your decision not as “either-or” but as “how can I do something for myself while also taking care of —————. You’re probably doing a VERY good job with your caregiving already, so maybe more “entitled” to reward yourself.

NOTHING LIKE A GIGGLY STICKY LOVABLE 3 year old to get you over a bad day’s bumps. And I bet the little wrigglers love YOU TOO.

Good luck with your decision, and treat yourself well!

Hi Ahmijoy,
It is complicated, I know.
Addressing only the Stay at Home orders, and the Covid issue,
you do not want to bring home an illness to your sick husband, especially from children.
Take this furlough to think this through and get legal advice about your future, long term planning.

My own husband was working part-time, and it is amazing how much money we are saving, until he can return to work. So, financially, we might make it. That part is unknown. However, it is so very important overall that he work, and if he does not return to work, maybe volunteering will help him. But he would need to work or volunteer in a safe environment, for both his needs and my needs.

For your own respite, please receive all the benefits available for home health care for your husband. Get all the help you can.

Reassure your husband for right now, that you are not working there right now, so you will decide later, in several months.

It must be like walking a tightrope, damned if you do, and damned if you don't. In a marriage, it is important that both person's needs be considered and provided for in the long term. The physical demands for his care are not sustainable for you to continue. It is good to plan now, and you are so smart to ask for help.

Sorry for the difficult road you are traveling, even before the Covid issues, making it harder. If you had not returned today, I was getting ready to go look for you. I hope your fellow caregivers will be extra kind to you, and find ideas that will help you.

Love and concern,
Send

Why is he coming home? Don't his care needs warrant LTC placement?

"...He also has me under a microscope. He questions my every move..."

Ahmijoy - those are enormous red flags. You matter. If you love working at the daycare, keep at it. Your husband, and forgive me for being blunt, sounds like an enormous entitled control freak pain in the you know what.

That paycheck, once it resumes, gives your much more than an "escape" from under his microscope. Please don't let him take that from you. If he comes home tomorrow, I hope he finds a new you i.e. a wife whose willing to tell him where to stick his microscope.

And really why isn't he going to LTC?

Don't give up that job. I hope u applied for unemployment. The government is adding to it. Then put that money aside. When u go back to work, use that and the money you make for a homemaker to come in and feed him lunch and clean. One less thing you have to do. And remind your husband that you are not his slave and you do not appreciate his criticism. If he can do a better job, then he can do it. You been doing things your way for years and at 66 you aren't changing. Whats he going to do, divorce you. He needs you more than u need him at this point. Stand up for yourself.

Again, do not quit that job. It will be ur sanity.

Joy, please don’t quit your job! You said so many things “these ladies have become like family” “it’s an escape” “he has me under a microscope” “face being alone” Your heart is not in giving this up. You’ve given up so much already. You need a life of your own. You also need this job in case your husband might not be around anymore and you really need it, either as a paycheck and outlet, or a resume builder for something else.
I know you love your husband and believe in your vows and I admire you for that. Your vows didn’t include being a doormat. Caregiving can look a lot of different ways. I hope you’ll remember that. I always wish you the best...

Hi Ahmijoy - I did not even have to take a moment to mull this over, but I still did anyway just so I did not reply in haste. So with consideration, my opinion is no, you should not quit your job. I have reasons to offer. First you say the ladies there have become like family. You are lucky to have that in your life, and it is a support system that can be better than any paid therapist session. Those benefits are huge to your mind, body and soul. So, even if you use logic and convince yourself that it is not much money, I would suggest you are indeed receiving many intangible benefits. You cannot put a price on that. Second, there is the toll that full time care-giving takes on the spouse. It seems that your job does not demand all of your time every day so it seems to me that this job is the perfect thing that gives you balance that so many people need. Last, my thought about giving most of our time and energy to a person or situation out of obligation or guilt are that it tends to backfire on us. However well intended our actions are and how much our loved one could use us, it leaves us with no boundaries uncrossed and eventually depleted and understandably resentful. That is only my humble opinion. I will be hopeful that you receive the needed clarity to make the best decision for both of you. Oh, ya, one last thing ... you are not "too old" to work. Not at all.

Joy,

I am so sorry that you are struggling with this. You have a kind heart. You love your husband. You care for children and your fellow teachers.

You contribute lots of love and much needed care wherever it is needed. Anyone who has read any of your responses on this forum knows that.

This job means something to you. Obviously you make a difference in children’s lives. Your experience allows you to bring wisdom to fellow staff members at your daycare. They are blessed to have you.

Anyone who works with children comes home a bit tired, regardless of age but if the job is fulfilling to go then it’s a ‘good’ tired. If you had said, ‘I feel so drained’ I would say it’s time to hang it up. Your message clearly says that you are satisfied with your work. That’s a plus in my book!

I believe we should not say ‘no’ to someone without giving them a ‘yes’ to replace the loss but he wants to replace it with nonstop housework. Is that what you want? Doesn’t sound like it?

We don’t know him like you do. If you don’t mind, share a little more please. Is he lonely? Does he want you to be everything for him? Wife, caregiver, housekeeper? What’s left for you? Can you think of anything that will help him in his situation and not take away from your life?

You know that I tried that with my mom. I tried being her everything! I am sure that I don’t have to remind you how miserable and empty I became. I never felt like I did enough for my mom even though I did everything that I possibly could for her, and then some.

I completely lost myself until I burned out. I beg of you not to fall into the trap that I did.

If it would not have been for the support that you and so many others on this forum gave to me I would still be miserable. Everyone’s advice here and therapy saved me from completely cracking up.

I don’t have all the answers for everyone here. I can only try to help a bit and I hope I at least make a small contribution. In the end it is your decision and I wish you well no matter what that is but my vote is for you to stay at your job until YOU want to leave.

Take care and best wishes to you and your husband.

If your job contributes to your well being and happiness keep your job. 🙂

Joy,

Sadly, chauvinism wasn’t uncommon among a certain age group. What was that saying? The older people in my family said it. Oh, I remember now. “Home is where you hang your hat.” Of course, it was the man’s hat they were referring to! My grandpa wore stylish hats. Yep, the man had the last word.

The woman was expected to go along with whatever the man decided. Couples were young when they married. Often, children came along soon after marrying.

My grandfather’s brothers were awful. They all ran around on their wives. They were tall, good looking and big flirts!

My grandma told me that all of the wives had to take it because they had no way to support themselves if they left. Sometimes, the good old days weren’t so good. Like you said, they didn’t work or have any independence.

One of my great aunts was independent though. She had inherited a very large home from her parents and she and my great uncle rented out rooms.

I think they were called boarding houses back then. Those houses sell for a fortune now in our city. The architecture during that era is so beautiful. This house is on Esplanade Ave.

Grandpa’s family came to New Orleans from England and my grandma said they were very popular with the ladies. They all loved to dance. In particular, waltzing.

Well, when my great aunt found out that my great uncle had been fooling around on her she packed up my uncle’s belongings in a suitcase and brought it to his mother’s house and told her mother in law that she was done with him and that she could have her son back! I love it! Hahaha

I loved that my grandma shared that story with me. I adored my grandma! She told me all about the ‘roaring twenties’ bobbing hair, shorter hemlines, playing jazz music, women voting, etc.

She was German and told my grandpa that she would not put up with any of the foolishness that the other wives put up with.

Grandpa loved grandma but I think that he was a little afraid of her. Hahaha. She was very sweet but don’t cross her!

I wish all women could have been independent back then like my great aunt. She had enough money from her boarders to support herself. Men would have had a different attitude had their wives had more independence.

Don’t give up your independence if you still want to work. You deserve to have your own interests in life. You’re not selfish. Deep down he must know that. He may not admit it but that is his shortcoming, not yours.

I feel like you have a strong spirit and a kind heart, just like my grandmother did. Don’t ever lose that. I learned so much from my grandma. I hope that I can pass some of her wisdom along. I know that you share your wisdom. Keep paying it forward, Joy. We all appreciate it.

If your husband is bedridden shouldn’t he be in some kind of a facility so you don’t have to take care of him 24/7? If the rolls were reverse would he take care of you24/7 and do all the housework and he do whatever you want him to do? Are you suppose to stop living? My mother is 95 years old. Your husband could live to be 95 years old. Do you want to give up your whole life for him for the next 30 more years? Don’t give up your job or your own independence. Find a facility for your husband. Life is too short. The older we get, the faster it goes.

Sometimes you just need a "piece of cheese"... getting out and doing a bit of outside work is your piece of cheese, then take it.. Hubbys can or spouses can get demanding at times... Everyone needs a break.
Housework,,, really... that is my worst nightmare.. I don't do well in that subject.. when hubbys get sick.. they focus on one thing... Why:::???
I really don't know why, but now I sense what the next thing will be, and try hard to remove that irritant before it gets noticed, or blown out of proportion...
Ask his doctor about palliative care.. or is he on that already? Maybe insurance will cover some healthcare issues for you..? It doesn't hurt to ask for extra help.. Talk to social worker.. they may or may not help..

No. You don't.

He's not even asking you to quit your job. He's asking you to give a commitment now to a decision which you can't even make for the next two months or so, because you don't know where things will be or when your job will go "live" again.

So this is not about the practical realities. This is about his wanting acknowledgement from you that he is more important to you than anything else. And so he is, I'm sure; but the *point* is that his being the most important thing to you is not incompatible with your also being a person in your own right, with your own needs and interests and future to consider.

The job is not *more* important than him. But it is still important, and it's yours. You hang on to it. You already make sure he doesn't come to the slightest harm - by the way, don't let that "impact on my caregiving abilities" thought get out of hand; I bet it isn't true - and having that space and that purpose of your own matters. You matter.

It’s more of an “escape” for me—a break from caring for my husband. Your words, I agree.
You are currently laid off, get a hobby or a glass of wine... get some space when you need it.. Have you ever done sun up to sun down housework?Seems like his chance to completely control every single move or moment you do. That does not sound like a good situation...

He's coming home tomorrow? Yikes... Do you have a dog? Hope you do, if not, get one... That dog you love really needs walks, a few miles a day...GEt a break.. and if he focuses on something... geez... it will not stop until it's done in my situation... so DO NOT START JUMPING TO EVERY FINGER POINTING SUGGESTIONS OR DEMANDS... It will only get worse.

Just saw this: He is Bedridden.. Hopefully in the bedroom... you can put on tv for him and act like you did not hear his beck n call.
sorry good hubby,,, I had the water running,,, doing dishes..

Or the washmachine and dryer were on, I didn't hear you..
I am sorry, I was walking the dog...
Your tv was on too loud.. I thought it was just the television noise...
Im sorry I was watching the weather channel on the tv in other room, didn't hear you.

Get your sense of humor and get it fast. You may need it.. I was listening to something the grandkids shared with me on internet.

Im helping grandkids with homework.

etc etc.. You will know what to say at the right time.

Good luck

No, do not give up your job. You need it for your sanity and your escape from caring you do for hubs.

You must qualify for unemployment. All sorts of exceptions during this crazy time.

"...I want to do the best I can for him...." Don't you already and yet what do you get from him? You buy into his chauvinistic nonsense. When is enough enough?

Your hubby needs to be in LTC. He’s been bedridden for years with you waiting on him hand and foot. So of course between that and working at the daycare, you are tired. You’ve sacrificed so much of yourself for him and what do you get in return? You have every right to live YOUR LIFE.

Ahmijoy, you say you wouldn’t find another job if the daycare doesn’t open back up, and you can’t put your husband in a facility, and your taking care of your husband for better or worse, then I think you have answered your own question.

Ahmijoy, your hubby already told you why he doesn’t want you working. He thinks your too old and too exhausted and when you come home it impacts your caregiving with your hubby.

It is a personal decision, but based on my experience, I would keep working at least one day a week just for your mental health. I am an RN and quit my job to take care of my mom full time. I love her, but I am suffering from isolation, depression, anxiety, and general caregiver burnout. Once the coronavirus threat let’s up, I am going to find a job at least part time, even if I make less that I have to pay someone to stay with my mom. My point is, it’s not good for either of you if you get caregiver burnout, which happens much faster if you can’t get of the house once a week to be around other people. There is something rejuvenating about even just a few hours Interacting with other adults and a change in surroundings. Is there any way that you can cut back on your hours so that you are not exhausted from work, but also get the benefits of getting out once or twice a week?

Ahmijoy, since your husband has contributed to his condition by not making every effort you should keep your escape and tell him that you can recommend a good LTC facility if he is so unhappy at home.

I'm sorry but he doesn't get to devour you with his consequences.

This is many years of him laying there giving you directions and not helping himself. Well, sorry hubby but I matter just as much as you. To much of a good thing is just that too much. Who wants to clean all day in between wiping husbands bum? Not me.

Ahmijoy, I vote for you to keep your job if you love it so. I agree with those who would like him to answer why he wants you to quit. Unless he has a very compelling answer, with which you agree, I would keep the well-loved job.

Is it possible/would you consider moving into a care community together? Then he would get much-needed help, you'd be near him, you'd be in a community of like-people and you may even be able to still keep your job (or find a similar one after the lockdown ends). I wish you great success in working out a solution and peace in your hearts as you move forward together.

A question for you Joy, if you don’t mind, did hubby make forward progress in rehab, get back to where he was before getting sick, or is he worse off than previously? I remember when my mom was in rehab for months post stroke, the therapists told us they’d never seen a patient work harder at it than she did, as she knew coming home depended on getting better. Despite all of the therapists and her best efforts no progress happened, and therapy was discontinued, a sad time for us all. Just wondering where you hubby landed after months of rehab?

Why worry about it now. Wait until the day care reopens and then decide.

You've received really good advice here. You have time to decide, but it seems as though you love the job and it's a chance for you to get out and enjoy your life. Is it possible to go back a few days a week? I almost quit my job to take care of my aunts and mother, and am so glad I did not! I learned that setting boundaries as a caregiver protected me from letting their lives become mine, and having a job was part of those boundaries. My aunts were always appreciative of what I could do for them, and very cooperative. But my Mom is another story - she has narcissistic tendencies and is very manipulative. Take time to reflect about what is important to you to live a happy and healthy life while also doing your best for your husband. You can't and shouldn't do more than that. Wishing all the best!