Should I quit my job?

Joy,

For the record, I don’t think you are too old to work. Look at the stats on seniors working. Lots do. My husband’s grandfather was married to a miserable woman.

He felt like being at home with her all day would kill him. He worked until he couldn’t anymore. He didn’t retire until his 80’s.

He would hop onto the streetcar with his newspaper and head downtown to his office.

Also, look at the elders who volunteer in hospitals, museums, etc. Plenty of seniors have part time jobs like you do.

I really do feel like this job is more than a paycheck for you. It is filling a need in your life. It is serving a purpose. You are appreciated and needed. You would be missed if you left.

Plus, it sounds like the teachers at your school have a strong bond that has a ‘family’ atmosphere.

Treasure that sense of community. Don’t throw that away. You are blessed to have that. They are blessed to have you. You are benefiting from each other.

You’re not dead yet! You have plenty of years left. It’s going to take a toll on you if you aren’t working. At the very least, accept a volunteer position.

First of all, there's no way you are too old for ANYTHING at 66! Except maybe being a caregiver to a bedridden person.

Was your husband always this controlling? You need to get out from other his prying eyes and his attempts to control your day and your life. If it's only to take a walk or drive, take time for yourself away from your husband. Good luck.

If you reread your own comments, you’ll realize you actually aren’t on the fence. You already know that you need to have a respite from your husband’s care and being productive at an important job sounds like it was working for you.
The timing is actually good. Your husband needs a lot of care right now, coming home from rehab, and you are there to help.
When things get back to a new normal, make arrangements for his care during the day and go back to your job.
was your husband a Veteran? Look into Aid & Attendance to help fund home care or even a daycare situation.

There are some really great answers listed. I was thinking: consider scaling your days back at work from 5 days weekly to 3 days weekly. The catch is you don’t tell anyone that will tell him, that’s your time to do whatever your little heart desires, volunteer, arts & craft, water aerobics or hang out with us here on Aging.com. Apply for any government assistance available for your state and put it away or use it to fund your new hobbies. Lastly, the great thing is your husband is of sound mind... you’re still winning because caring for a loved one with Dementia equates to everything you’re already doing and loss of memory and functionality. In regards to the household chores, turn on the good old radio news or music and tell hubby you’re cleaning while sunbathing on the deck, porch, patio or balcony. 😉 Good luck.

First, let me express sympathy for your hubby's situation and your current loss of a job. It appears you have several things to consider before making permanent decisions:

1 - Does your hubby need somebody to care for him 24/7? Is his condition such that you can not leave him for extended periods of time? I usually ask myself, can this person get to and from the toilet, feed self, and get out of home if there was a fire?

2 - What do you need to stay healthy: physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially? If your job is not really needed financially, does it provide for your other needs? Are there other means of meeting your needs that allow you to stay home with your husband?

3 - Financially, what does your family need to "make it"? Consider income and usual expenses. Also consider any "gap" payments you will need to make - the amount of financial obligations you need to cover for medications, doctor appointments and hospital stays. Unfortunately, the "gap" usually becomes more as we age.

4 - You also mention not "being alone". During COVID-19 pandemic everybody is experiencing some amount of social isolation. Now is a good time to find new ways to make friends and interact with others online.... and look forward to meeting again in person.

First, whatever you decide to do-do for you. Do not have regrets, do not feel any guilt, none, bout any decision you make. If you start playing; "What if....if only I...." sugar, that's a straight to hell road, you don't want. File for unemployment -whatever amount you get will help, plus, they're adding 600 per week to each check. Also, you can get it "back pay" status, from the time you went out of work. A Bonus...It seems he might be a tad jealous of you...you're up and moving, he's not. He's lost control of "head of household" status, that's hell on egos, & by controlling you, it feeds his male ego. But first and most important; Take time for YOU...and don't let guilt sneak in there, cause there is none. Care giving is hard, especially for a loved one...I did it for my hubby, & I do it for a living, everyday. A client/relative can & will suck you into their world, & If you're not careful, you'll be stuck there for the rest of your life. Guilt will keep you there, if you let it. So take breaks, set time aside just for you. Regret, guilt, is something we create in our own mind. Don't let it in yours.

I agree with a previous poster that you need to file for unemployment to get some money coming in.  Doing housework and waiting on him from sun up to sundown is work and he doesn't have a problem with you doing that..... Don't quit your job.  You need the socialization and the independence.  I just read your response below... You can't even read a book without him interrupting and telling you to do something else?  Really?  I would take my book and move to another room or go outside with it.  What's he going to do about it?  Sounds like him and his family have controlled your very existence.  Start making decisions for you.  It doesn't mean you can't care for him, but caring for him doesn't mean you can't have a life.  Reading a book, taking a quiet bath or a walk with the dog are very basic actions that you should be able to do without commentary or judgement from him.  You have been controlled by him for the last 46 years.  Nothing we say to you on this site is going override that.  I do hope you "hear" some of it and at least make some small decisions for yourself.
Take care.

Definitely, without a single doubt ..
DON’T LEAVE YOUR JOB. Again,
DON’T LEAVE YOUR JOB!!!
It’s not about the money.
Do Not Leave Your Job.

Hang onto the job for the reasons you just mentioned- but please update your resume.

Also, should you find that you need another job, you may have a lot of difficulty at 66 finding a new position. The best way to FIND a new job is to already HAVE a job; it means that you are "employable" to potential employer.

Stay at your job for now. With this virus, no one really knows wha tis going tohappen anyways with anyone's job. Focus for NOW with hubby and if he should go BACK IN, which is a MIGHT, you wil have tha tjob to fall backl on. At your age, you have give enough up and you shoul dbe able to keep this job if it is satisfaction and you can handle what is home as well. You be your own Boss.

Not to bring this to money but apply for unemployment right NOW!!! Some states I know mine is giving an additional $600/weekly (pandemic assistance program/loss job due to covid-19/caring for someone with covid-19) until 7/31 on top of your unemployment benefits that can at least help with some bills.$600 is better than Zero so please please look into /apply anything is better than nothing.Don’t give up your job 66 is not old you have to have a break too for your sanity...trust me I do everything for my bed ridden mother I love her to pieces but working somewhere else even if I’m exhausted it’s for me and my sanity.You are a caregiver not a maid or a slave.The social interaction alone will be better than being home all day with someone bed bound 24/7. You will start to deteriorate. I know I have it sneaks up on you !(first you’re like I got this then you barely go out ,24/7 with them getting depressed ,and I’ve gained weight rapidly ) not saying this is your fate just something to think about.You can’t live for someone no matter how much you love them.It’s not selfish to do something for yourself !!

You've received really good advice here. You have time to decide, but it seems as though you love the job and it's a chance for you to get out and enjoy your life. Is it possible to go back a few days a week? I almost quit my job to take care of my aunts and mother, and am so glad I did not! I learned that setting boundaries as a caregiver protected me from letting their lives become mine, and having a job was part of those boundaries. My aunts were always appreciative of what I could do for them, and very cooperative. But my Mom is another story - she has narcissistic tendencies and is very manipulative. Take time to reflect about what is important to you to live a happy and healthy life while also doing your best for your husband. You can't and shouldn't do more than that. Wishing all the best!

Why worry about it now. Wait until the day care reopens and then decide.

A question for you Joy, if you don’t mind, did hubby make forward progress in rehab, get back to where he was before getting sick, or is he worse off than previously? I remember when my mom was in rehab for months post stroke, the therapists told us they’d never seen a patient work harder at it than she did, as she knew coming home depended on getting better. Despite all of the therapists and her best efforts no progress happened, and therapy was discontinued, a sad time for us all. Just wondering where you hubby landed after months of rehab?

Ahmijoy, I vote for you to keep your job if you love it so. I agree with those who would like him to answer why he wants you to quit. Unless he has a very compelling answer, with which you agree, I would keep the well-loved job.

Is it possible/would you consider moving into a care community together? Then he would get much-needed help, you'd be near him, you'd be in a community of like-people and you may even be able to still keep your job (or find a similar one after the lockdown ends). I wish you great success in working out a solution and peace in your hearts as you move forward together.

Ahmijoy, since your husband has contributed to his condition by not making every effort you should keep your escape and tell him that you can recommend a good LTC facility if he is so unhappy at home.

I'm sorry but he doesn't get to devour you with his consequences.

This is many years of him laying there giving you directions and not helping himself. Well, sorry hubby but I matter just as much as you. To much of a good thing is just that too much. Who wants to clean all day in between wiping husbands bum? Not me.

It is a personal decision, but based on my experience, I would keep working at least one day a week just for your mental health. I am an RN and quit my job to take care of my mom full time. I love her, but I am suffering from isolation, depression, anxiety, and general caregiver burnout. Once the coronavirus threat let’s up, I am going to find a job at least part time, even if I make less that I have to pay someone to stay with my mom. My point is, it’s not good for either of you if you get caregiver burnout, which happens much faster if you can’t get of the house once a week to be around other people. There is something rejuvenating about even just a few hours Interacting with other adults and a change in surroundings. Is there any way that you can cut back on your hours so that you are not exhausted from work, but also get the benefits of getting out once or twice a week?

Ahmijoy, your hubby already told you why he doesn’t want you working. He thinks your too old and too exhausted and when you come home it impacts your caregiving with your hubby.

Ahmijoy, you say you wouldn’t find another job if the daycare doesn’t open back up, and you can’t put your husband in a facility, and your taking care of your husband for better or worse, then I think you have answered your own question.

Your hubby needs to be in LTC. He’s been bedridden for years with you waiting on him hand and foot. So of course between that and working at the daycare, you are tired. You’ve sacrificed so much of yourself for him and what do you get in return? You have every right to live YOUR LIFE.

"...I want to do the best I can for him...." Don't you already and yet what do you get from him? You buy into his chauvinistic nonsense. When is enough enough?

No, do not give up your job. You need it for your sanity and your escape from caring you do for hubs.

You must qualify for unemployment. All sorts of exceptions during this crazy time.

Get your sense of humor and get it fast. You may need it.. I was listening to something the grandkids shared with me on internet.

Im helping grandkids with homework.

etc etc.. You will know what to say at the right time.

Good luck

Just saw this: He is Bedridden.. Hopefully in the bedroom... you can put on tv for him and act like you did not hear his beck n call.
sorry good hubby,,, I had the water running,,, doing dishes..

Or the washmachine and dryer were on, I didn't hear you..
I am sorry, I was walking the dog...
Your tv was on too loud.. I thought it was just the television noise...
Im sorry I was watching the weather channel on the tv in other room, didn't hear you.

It’s more of an “escape” for me—a break from caring for my husband. Your words, I agree.
You are currently laid off, get a hobby or a glass of wine... get some space when you need it.. Have you ever done sun up to sun down housework?Seems like his chance to completely control every single move or moment you do. That does not sound like a good situation...

He's coming home tomorrow? Yikes... Do you have a dog? Hope you do, if not, get one... That dog you love really needs walks, a few miles a day...GEt a break.. and if he focuses on something... geez... it will not stop until it's done in my situation... so DO NOT START JUMPING TO EVERY FINGER POINTING SUGGESTIONS OR DEMANDS... It will only get worse.

No. You don't.

He's not even asking you to quit your job. He's asking you to give a commitment now to a decision which you can't even make for the next two months or so, because you don't know where things will be or when your job will go "live" again.

So this is not about the practical realities. This is about his wanting acknowledgement from you that he is more important to you than anything else. And so he is, I'm sure; but the *point* is that his being the most important thing to you is not incompatible with your also being a person in your own right, with your own needs and interests and future to consider.

The job is not *more* important than him. But it is still important, and it's yours. You hang on to it. You already make sure he doesn't come to the slightest harm - by the way, don't let that "impact on my caregiving abilities" thought get out of hand; I bet it isn't true - and having that space and that purpose of your own matters. You matter.

Sometimes you just need a "piece of cheese"... getting out and doing a bit of outside work is your piece of cheese, then take it.. Hubbys can or spouses can get demanding at times... Everyone needs a break.
Housework,,, really... that is my worst nightmare.. I don't do well in that subject.. when hubbys get sick.. they focus on one thing... Why:::???
I really don't know why, but now I sense what the next thing will be, and try hard to remove that irritant before it gets noticed, or blown out of proportion...
Ask his doctor about palliative care.. or is he on that already? Maybe insurance will cover some healthcare issues for you..? It doesn't hurt to ask for extra help.. Talk to social worker.. they may or may not help..

If your husband is bedridden shouldn’t he be in some kind of a facility so you don’t have to take care of him 24/7? If the rolls were reverse would he take care of you24/7 and do all the housework and he do whatever you want him to do? Are you suppose to stop living? My mother is 95 years old. Your husband could live to be 95 years old. Do you want to give up your whole life for him for the next 30 more years? Don’t give up your job or your own independence. Find a facility for your husband. Life is too short. The older we get, the faster it goes.

Joy,

Sadly, chauvinism wasn’t uncommon among a certain age group. What was that saying? The older people in my family said it. Oh, I remember now. “Home is where you hang your hat.” Of course, it was the man’s hat they were referring to! My grandpa wore stylish hats. Yep, the man had the last word.

The woman was expected to go along with whatever the man decided. Couples were young when they married. Often, children came along soon after marrying.

My grandfather’s brothers were awful. They all ran around on their wives. They were tall, good looking and big flirts!

My grandma told me that all of the wives had to take it because they had no way to support themselves if they left. Sometimes, the good old days weren’t so good. Like you said, they didn’t work or have any independence.

One of my great aunts was independent though. She had inherited a very large home from her parents and she and my great uncle rented out rooms.

I think they were called boarding houses back then. Those houses sell for a fortune now in our city. The architecture during that era is so beautiful. This house is on Esplanade Ave.

Grandpa’s family came to New Orleans from England and my grandma said they were very popular with the ladies. They all loved to dance. In particular, waltzing.

Well, when my great aunt found out that my great uncle had been fooling around on her she packed up my uncle’s belongings in a suitcase and brought it to his mother’s house and told her mother in law that she was done with him and that she could have her son back! I love it! Hahaha

I loved that my grandma shared that story with me. I adored my grandma! She told me all about the ‘roaring twenties’ bobbing hair, shorter hemlines, playing jazz music, women voting, etc.

She was German and told my grandpa that she would not put up with any of the foolishness that the other wives put up with.

Grandpa loved grandma but I think that he was a little afraid of her. Hahaha. She was very sweet but don’t cross her!

I wish all women could have been independent back then like my great aunt. She had enough money from her boarders to support herself. Men would have had a different attitude had their wives had more independence.

Don’t give up your independence if you still want to work. You deserve to have your own interests in life. You’re not selfish. Deep down he must know that. He may not admit it but that is his shortcoming, not yours.

I feel like you have a strong spirit and a kind heart, just like my grandmother did. Don’t ever lose that. I learned so much from my grandma. I hope that I can pass some of her wisdom along. I know that you share your wisdom. Keep paying it forward, Joy. We all appreciate it.

If your job contributes to your well being and happiness keep your job. 🙂