Should I quit my job?

Joy,

I am so sorry that you are struggling with this. You have a kind heart. You love your husband. You care for children and your fellow teachers.

You contribute lots of love and much needed care wherever it is needed. Anyone who has read any of your responses on this forum knows that.

This job means something to you. Obviously you make a difference in children’s lives. Your experience allows you to bring wisdom to fellow staff members at your daycare. They are blessed to have you.

Anyone who works with children comes home a bit tired, regardless of age but if the job is fulfilling to go then it’s a ‘good’ tired. If you had said, ‘I feel so drained’ I would say it’s time to hang it up. Your message clearly says that you are satisfied with your work. That’s a plus in my book!

I believe we should not say ‘no’ to someone without giving them a ‘yes’ to replace the loss but he wants to replace it with nonstop housework. Is that what you want? Doesn’t sound like it?

We don’t know him like you do. If you don’t mind, share a little more please. Is he lonely? Does he want you to be everything for him? Wife, caregiver, housekeeper? What’s left for you? Can you think of anything that will help him in his situation and not take away from your life?

You know that I tried that with my mom. I tried being her everything! I am sure that I don’t have to remind you how miserable and empty I became. I never felt like I did enough for my mom even though I did everything that I possibly could for her, and then some.

I completely lost myself until I burned out. I beg of you not to fall into the trap that I did.

If it would not have been for the support that you and so many others on this forum gave to me I would still be miserable. Everyone’s advice here and therapy saved me from completely cracking up.

I don’t have all the answers for everyone here. I can only try to help a bit and I hope I at least make a small contribution. In the end it is your decision and I wish you well no matter what that is but my vote is for you to stay at your job until YOU want to leave.

Take care and best wishes to you and your husband.

Hi Ahmijoy - I did not even have to take a moment to mull this over, but I still did anyway just so I did not reply in haste. So with consideration, my opinion is no, you should not quit your job. I have reasons to offer. First you say the ladies there have become like family. You are lucky to have that in your life, and it is a support system that can be better than any paid therapist session. Those benefits are huge to your mind, body and soul. So, even if you use logic and convince yourself that it is not much money, I would suggest you are indeed receiving many intangible benefits. You cannot put a price on that. Second, there is the toll that full time care-giving takes on the spouse. It seems that your job does not demand all of your time every day so it seems to me that this job is the perfect thing that gives you balance that so many people need. Last, my thought about giving most of our time and energy to a person or situation out of obligation or guilt are that it tends to backfire on us. However well intended our actions are and how much our loved one could use us, it leaves us with no boundaries uncrossed and eventually depleted and understandably resentful. That is only my humble opinion. I will be hopeful that you receive the needed clarity to make the best decision for both of you. Oh, ya, one last thing ... you are not "too old" to work. Not at all.

Joy, please don’t quit your job! You said so many things “these ladies have become like family” “it’s an escape” “he has me under a microscope” “face being alone” Your heart is not in giving this up. You’ve given up so much already. You need a life of your own. You also need this job in case your husband might not be around anymore and you really need it, either as a paycheck and outlet, or a resume builder for something else.
I know you love your husband and believe in your vows and I admire you for that. Your vows didn’t include being a doormat. Caregiving can look a lot of different ways. I hope you’ll remember that. I always wish you the best...

Don't give up that job. I hope u applied for unemployment. The government is adding to it. Then put that money aside. When u go back to work, use that and the money you make for a homemaker to come in and feed him lunch and clean. One less thing you have to do. And remind your husband that you are not his slave and you do not appreciate his criticism. If he can do a better job, then he can do it. You been doing things your way for years and at 66 you aren't changing. Whats he going to do, divorce you. He needs you more than u need him at this point. Stand up for yourself.

Again, do not quit that job. It will be ur sanity.

"...He also has me under a microscope. He questions my every move..."

Ahmijoy - those are enormous red flags. You matter. If you love working at the daycare, keep at it. Your husband, and forgive me for being blunt, sounds like an enormous entitled control freak pain in the you know what.

That paycheck, once it resumes, gives your much more than an "escape" from under his microscope. Please don't let him take that from you. If he comes home tomorrow, I hope he finds a new you i.e. a wife whose willing to tell him where to stick his microscope.

And really why isn't he going to LTC?

Why is he coming home? Don't his care needs warrant LTC placement?

Hi Ahmijoy,
It is complicated, I know.
Addressing only the Stay at Home orders, and the Covid issue,
you do not want to bring home an illness to your sick husband, especially from children.
Take this furlough to think this through and get legal advice about your future, long term planning.

My own husband was working part-time, and it is amazing how much money we are saving, until he can return to work. So, financially, we might make it. That part is unknown. However, it is so very important overall that he work, and if he does not return to work, maybe volunteering will help him. But he would need to work or volunteer in a safe environment, for both his needs and my needs.

For your own respite, please receive all the benefits available for home health care for your husband. Get all the help you can.

Reassure your husband for right now, that you are not working there right now, so you will decide later, in several months.

It must be like walking a tightrope, damned if you do, and damned if you don't. In a marriage, it is important that both person's needs be considered and provided for in the long term. The physical demands for his care are not sustainable for you to continue. It is good to plan now, and you are so smart to ask for help.

Sorry for the difficult road you are traveling, even before the Covid issues, making it harder. If you had not returned today, I was getting ready to go look for you. I hope your fellow caregivers will be extra kind to you, and find ideas that will help you.

Love and concern,
Send

“Escape”. Out of all your other well thought out pros and cons, that jumped out as I read it.

If it weren’t for MY escape I don’t think I could be getting out of bed. Could you use some of your “salary” to get someone in to rebalance your work schedule? Then you could defer some of DH’s concerns about YOUR housekeeping.

Maybe also it would be worth it for you to try not to think about your decision not as “either-or” but as “how can I do something for myself while also taking care of —————. You’re probably doing a VERY good job with your caregiving already, so maybe more “entitled” to reward yourself.

NOTHING LIKE A GIGGLY STICKY LOVABLE 3 year old to get you over a bad day’s bumps. And I bet the little wrigglers love YOU TOO.

Good luck with your decision, and treat yourself well!

I'm sorry you're in the position, Ahmijoy. I may be blunt. Maybe this sequestering is making me cranky.

Don't quit unless YOU want to or choose to. You matter and what you WANT and NEED to do matters! (though, as you and lealonnie1 wrote, you're laid off).

For someone bed-bound to demand/ask someone else to be at his beck and call is selfish. And it's not up to him to tell you you're "too old" to work. That's YOUR call.

Your profile states your husband has mobility issues. Frankly, if he's questioning everything you do, then ask him to tell you what HE can do for the house and FOR YOU. He may be bedridden, but can he handle the mail and bills, write letters, handle the finances via a laptop, maybe even fold laundry?

You are his caregiver, but more importantly, you're HIS WIFE. He has responsibilities to you too.

AhmiJoy, having followed your situation for some time, I can really sense the mental exasperation in your post, and can imagine how tired and frustrated you must be.  I reached that point some months before my father passed, and kept telling myself to "just hang in there" and do the best I could.

I think though that your husband's approach and attitude dictate, if not mandate, that you have some free time for yourself.    And I think that's just as, if not more, important than the money you make.  

Everyone needs time out, and especially self respect, which I think comes from earning a paycheck, but not necessarily from caregiving.

How do you feel about having a heart-to-heart talk with your husband about his attitude?   Would it be helpful?  Make a difference?  Or be a lost cause?   I think your decision turns on this.

Losing self esteem and self respect from caregiving is a slippery slope, and often hard to reclimb.   And that may be a part of your husband's attitude; I don't think many men would want to voluntarily be totally dependent on someone else...macho stuff and all that.  

I do know that Kroger has been advertising for a few weeks; it's hard work and probably requires a lot of standing, but you would be nominally interacting with other adults.    There's always the downside though of exposure to the virus.

I don't recall...are there any options for getting in home care?   That would be the ideal situation, I think, if it's financially feasible.    Sometimes elders are kinder to paid caregivers, and put on displays of nicety.    And it could be a break for you if you can find some good help.   

I don't like the me or him/her/them approach, but it may come to that.    If your husband won't change his attitude, you have more than the right to think of yourself first.  

Also, please check your messages in about 15 minutes.

Thinking of you, and hoping that you're able to find a decision that benefits you, and brings peace to you as well.

I think it's a moot point, really, since the daycare probably won't open until mid summer ANYWAY, right? That gives you time to see how things play out once DH comes home. Play it by ear; if you love the job and want to do it, then by all means, do not quit for anyone or anything. Only YOU can decide if you're 'too old' to work, or if the job is too exhausting for you, right? Naturally, DH wants you around him 24/7, but that's what HE wants, not necessarily what YOU want! He has an ulterior motive wanting you to quit, and you can't blame him I guess.

As far as doing housework from sunup to sundown goes, hey buddy, if you're 'too old' to work in a daycare, you're WAY too old to do THAT much housework! It may be time for a heart-to-heart talk with DH once he does get home. You're not a servant and you don't need suggestions or supervision from him on what to do.

Best of luck Joy!