Should I tell my father that he needs help or that he has dementia?

It's not worth the frustration of trying to explain to him that he's losing his mind. It doesn't matter to him. He thinks what he thinks. Plus, who wants to hear that?

Rather than trying to orient him to his situation, try redirection. When he talks about getting his checkbook back or buying a car, change the subject. Ask him a question that will shift his concentration. Like, "Dad, I was trying to think of the name of that street where you and mom lived when you first got married." or "How do you think the Giants (fill in name of favorite in-season sports team) will do this Sunday?" Then, keep it going until he's completely off the topic. Works for me with my stubborn 'give me back my car and checkbook' Dad. Sometimes I don't have the energy for it, so I just let him ramble and I don't say a word. Other times, when I've really had it, I snap at him and feel guilty later. Dementia is a b*tch.

To ah henry Pat Whether or not you come right out and tell your father what his doctors have said, depends entirely on the type of person your father was before he got ill. Did he always want to know what was going on or was he the type that did not believe anything a doctor said? Also what stage is he in? For example, my mother had Alzheimers for fourteen years and drove right up to the 12th year before she had a problem and that problem was getting lost not her ability to drive safely. In fact she took a drivers test, road, in her 12th year and passed with flying colors. She also voluntarily turned over her finances to me early on because she could no longer figure out how to balance her checkbook. Two years ago my brother was declared incompetent by the courts because he was throwing all his money away on a drunkard son and letting his property in Miami go down hill. The day they came to take him to the hospital, he drove his dog to the kennel so he could be taken care of while he was away. He had just been tested for his drivers license 10 months prior and was issued a 6 year license. Now I am in no way advocating that people with dementia continue to drive. What I am saying is that sometimes they are perfectly capable of it for a long time after being diagnosed and it is better some time for them to know why they are being refused otherwise they feel they are being punished and they don't know why. That is much worse because it prays on their mind much longer just as it would on ours if we were suddenly had our license revoked with no explanation.

My father is not a happy camper because I took him off the car insurance! I have told him over and over that it is cheaper, we are saving money, it costs too much to have two people on the insurance, I drive you anyway, you can be the passenger and look at all the buildings, cars etc. He accepts it but not happy. I switched out his keys so if he tried to take the car he cannot open the doors or start the car. As far as the mail - I told him that I would mail all the mail at the post office because people were damaging the envelopes at the corner mail boxes. Now his Parkinsons has gotten so bad that I now do all the bills and check all the mail. I tell him I MUST see all mail junk, ads, everything, then I check the recycle bag. I have not told him he has alz but he knows he forgets things.
I have a friend (S), her daughter (C) took her to the doctor and right in front of her (S) the doctor and daughter (C) discussed dementia and alz and how it would get worse. (S) went into instant depression. Her attitude changed, her outlook on life changed, she now stoops when she walks, she doesn't want to do anything like her crocheting or crafting or reading.
Personally I will not tell my father he has alz. He will never know and what will it prove?

When my father would say he was crazy I would respond to him with “ no you aren’t, you have Alzheimer’s which makes you feel confused.” This always seemed to make him feel better about the way he was feeling because it reassured him that he wasn’t crazy he had an illness.
If he wanted to drive I would tell him that his doctor wouldn’t allow him to drive anymore, I would then ask him if he needed to go somewhere or did he need something I could get for him. He usually said no he didn’t need to go anywhere or need anything. In your case I might not ask if he needed to go anywhere.

I always blamed on it someone else. The doctor, any authority figure that my father respected.
Then I would give him empathy. And just say our bodies and brains change dad. We'll all getting older....and then distract, distract, distract.
I never told him he was diagnosed with dementia. He knew his brain was changing though, because he would say so. Too much information (for him) would have scared him. Some want to know though, so you'll determine that. Trust your inner guidance about it.
I've always said, 'we're going to make the best out of it'...about everything and anything. He was reassured that I was going to be there. I bring his favorite foods or snacks. We watched old movies together. Go outside. Distracted him from thinking about his car and leaving from the facility.
Eventually he let go of the conversation....

All the best to you and dad!!

Tell him (over and over) that he can't drive without a license. My mother never even thought about getting a new one after she lost hers. Does he do anything regularly that someone else can drive him to, over and over, to cement the fact that he's a passenger now in his mind? It would have been better to drive him around in HIS car, so he could the point of selling his car, but you driving him places once or twice a week should help. As for the money, I don't know what to tell you; my brother and I handle most of my mother's finances without her knowing, and we've set up auto-pay for most of the utilities and insurance accounts. The hardest part is getting to the mail and removing the auto-pay statements (or she'll double-pay) and the dozens of requests from charities, which she writes checks to as though they were bills. She yells at us when we offer to take over her bill-paying. She wants to control something in her life...

My Mum was very self-aware about her forgetfulness and confusion. This made her even more anxious. She used to say" I need putting in a paper bag and shaking up!"
When the doctor gave a diagnosis of Alzheimer's he was the one who told her with me present. It was almost a relief for her to know what was happening to her. After that, we could refer to her brain being ill just as different parts of the body get sick. I always spoke to her in this way. It removed the burden for both of us of trying and failing to understand what was happening. As her disease progressed she no longer worries about 'losing her mind' but in those initial years she was able to keep her self-respect by accounting for her failures with " I have Alzheimer's disease and this is why I am forgetful and anxious and confused'.

Neither telling your father about his Alzheimer's diagnosis nor telling him that he needs help will solve the problem that your father will continue to want to drive and to control his money. So don't exactly do either of those things, because it will be frustrating and upsetting for both of you.

Thanks to your support and interventions, your father is safely at home in the correct setting for his needs. So that's good: you need do nothing to ensure his actual wellbeing.

Handling his behavioural and emotional needs, next, is a team effort, and there are numerous strategies you can try. Perhaps step one is to stop looking on your conversations with your father about driving and money management as though these were real conversations leading to a real agenda. You're not going to get him a car, he can't drive, and he is no longer able to handle money. That is why the DPOA - which HE gave YOU, remember - is now in force.

But that doesn't mean that you can't have meaningful conversations with him about driving and about his personal finances. These are likely to be circular, and may get tedious for you, but the benefit is that he feels you're listening and is able to express himself. Perhaps you'll be able to divert him onto less controversial topics, such as cars in general, his memories of life on the road, cars he loved, cars that were a pain, Greatest Car of All Time, that kind of thing. And with money management, it might be helpful to have a basic document showing income, outgoings, budget and so on to reassure him that everything is under control.

Masterly inactivity is what you're aiming for, without subjecting him to the confusion and humiliation of being told to his face that he's incapable. He already did the responsible thing in giving you the authority to act for him when he could no longer act for himself. That's all you're doing. Be comforted.

I sometimes go through this with my brother. He will tell me he has no money. I remind him he does have an account with the office for incidentals and tell him how much he has. I also give him his monthly statement. I did try to give him, say $5.00 in singles every now and then, but it always disappeared. So, now I give him a few zero value gift cards to put in his wallet. That seems to appease him and we have a small change jar. I give him lots of pennys to put in and take out. I also try to get him to count the change.
He still tells me he can drive and always asks if he can when I take him out. My answer to that is that we are going someplace new and I'm not sure how to get there and I don't want him to stress out. Basically, I luck out that he goes with the flow... Most times I agree with him and try to redirect the conversations. Just so sad and heart breaking.

Oh my goodness I could have posted the EXACT same question!!!
my dad has dementia, had his license suspended, but continued to drive... and LIE about it!(we were 3 states away)
He went to four different doctors (geriatric, neurologist, cardiologist, and neuropsychologist) to try to get his license back. Because of his dementia and OCD, he fixates on “getting his license back.” All 4 doctors told him NO- he cannot drive. He argues with them all, but none of them said “dementia”... they all told him he is “not safe at this time”... I got copies of his paperwork, so when he starts talking about his license, I refer to the “highlighted section” where it says “no driving.” It takes me out of the equation and since he doesn’t know to go about reapplying for his license himself ( never used a computer) he has no options. His cars are gone and we moved him closer to me in a 55+ apartment complex. My only regret is that we moved him SO fast (right from the hospital 3 states away) that AL was not an option. It would’ve taken too long, so he’s now on his own refusing help. You are VERY fortunate that he is in AL already!

my suggestion is to let the doctors tell him what is going on. Instead of saying “you have dementia” they only addressed my dad’s concerns about his limitations... managing his finances, driving, and medication management.
i wish you the best! It’s a tough journey!

If “dementia” implies disorientation, confusion, impaired comprehension and inability to recall and use facts, it would seem to me that attempting to “explain” a diagnosis of dementia to someone who is suffering from it would be a painful exercise in futility for both the LO and myself.
My LO’S first catastrophic failure was realizing, on her own, that she was no longer able to reconcile her check book. I had begun saying a few months earlier that I knew she was a capable driver (she still was), but that the traffic in her neighborhood was so congested and disorderly that it was getting too hard for her to navigate it.
She ultimately agreed, but continued to discuss missing her independence with the car even before and after making a reasonably good adjustment to placement on a memory care unit.
She also has difficult days, and days when she says she can’t remember her own name. We attempted to give voice to the losses that she was aware of experiencing, as she experienced them, without referring directly to a named diagnosis, and that seemed to work well for her.

You can tell him he has dementia. Probably will not do much good as he will forget.
You can tell him the doctor said he can not drive, he can not live alone..but again he will forget.
You can tell him that he can drive "when he gets better"..but he will forget that as well.
And I would expect that "acting up" is normal for someone entering into a new place, one that they have had no control over selecting. Being moved from a home that you have been in for sometimes most of your life.
I actually like the idea that they placed him in Memory Care almost right away. Less of a chance he will leave the facility. Also he will not have to adjust to another move in what might have been a month or two..or even a week depending on how fast he declines.
Just tell him he is safe where he is. Tell him that you love him and you want to keep him safe.

This is a good thread, thanks for posting, ahhenry! Good responses. I’m an only too, it can be so hard to tell them No about all the various things. I’m glad you’ve gotten your dad to where he is. I’ll soon have my mom to an independent living apt. within a progressive community, and can’t wait till she’s around more peers who are in the same circumstances. Hopefully that helps them, seeing other worthwhile people who’ve had to ‘surrender’ like they have. I know it helps me, although some people might find that kind of place sad.

With my mom, I’ve been repeating things like ‘you're just slower now,’ trying to convey that being upset about it could be the only thing wrong, and ‘you don’t have to worry about this or that issue, isn’t it a relief.’ I tell her the brain does this, it’s not your doing or your fault. I may need more phrases, but these are helping for now.

I'm new to this site, but I am writing to thank those who posted responses to my question. They were all thoughtful and helpful and I appreciate your help. I'll recommend this site to anyone with similar problems.

Money with seniors can be a relative thing. Does your father have something particular in mind he wants to spend some money on? My father's big thing is having enough money to send my brother out to purchase a lunch for him. Although the MC provides good meals and snacks that he enjoys, emotionally he needs to be able to buy lunch. I give Dad $75 a week in cash from his funds which he gives to my brother for mostly restaurant/grocery store hot bar meals. In over 3 years he has spent less than $100 from his MC account, most of that in the first few months he was there. I visit once a week and "inventory" his clothes, soaps, etc. and provide most of what he needs/wants.

As far as the car, I told my father that I'm so sorry but his driving days are over - it's just not safe for him to be out there alone anymore. Is there someplace he wants to go/visit?

This is a difficult transition. Try to be firm but kind in your language with Dad and shift the focus from what he cannot do anymore to what it is that he is really wanting. My father really likes ice cream sundaes (in my childhood we drove to the local Dairy Cream for treats almost every Sunday) so I make sure I bring one each Sunday when I visit. He might not have the car to get his treat himself, but he accepted just having someone bring it to him.

Yes but only you know just how much you can tell him at any one time. He may be able to absorb the info and he may not so IMO the most important points, the ones to address first are the ones he's asking about. Sounds like driving is a big one for him, understandable as you say and one we have had to revisit with my mom several times over the last 3 years. We were fortunate to some degree she had to stop driving because of a stroke but as she got better everyone, except Mom, agreed she should never drive again. But we were able to offer her the opportunity to go through a special test they have for elderly and stroke victims (I'm sure other patients as well) to see if they should be driving. Her doctors/therapist were confident she would never get signed off but while they were honest with her about not thinking it was a good idea to drive offered this as an option if she really wanted to try. She talked about it as being an option now and then but never pursued actually taking the test, she knew. Then when she realized her license was actually still valid and moved back home (where her car was) she talked about just driving to the store and we let her know that legally we could be sued if she were in an accident, letting her drive knowing she had suffered a stroke and not been cleared to drive officially. Not wanting to get us in trouble seems to have been the ticket. Taking over her bills and financial stuff as well as her medical coordination happened naturally, my brother and I share responsibility so she doesn't feel it's all on just one of us and once we started taking care of stuff, while she was incapacitated, she realized how much easier it was to let us do it, how much wasn't getting done well before we did and let go of it. But we try to make sure she at least feels she has a say, has some control over her day to day life and when something needs to be enforced her Primary is very willing to be used as the heavy or be the heavy if need be. Mom knows she has cognitive issues and it is easier on her to blame them on the stroke but we all know it isn't all stroke related. What I'm saying is if he can hear "Alzheimer" or "Dementia" then certainly tell him that's his diagnosis but if not stick to the limitations he knows deep down he has, gently remind him this or that happened & can't again, include him in how to prevent whatever by giving him the options and helping him come to the resolve you know need to happen. Let him grocery shop (if he can) and purchase things but include him in the decision that the smartest way to handle finances is to have an account (with a debit card attached) for those expenses & a separate account you manage to pay bills etc. (even if you have already done this). Maybe go over the books with him every so often if he wants. It's a tricky and often demands more patience & time then you think you have, place to be but for us anyway so far trying to keep her feeling some control has helped in many ways. Her trust in us is so important and has to be nourished as much as possible too and it helps a lot that my brothers and I share it all, are usually on the same page but have different ways and opportunity to approach things with her. Most of the responsibility falls to 2 of us because the 3rd lives across the country but having each other to consult and commiserate with, I don't envy you being the only one and it helps mom accept things she doesn't agree with because 2 or 3 of us do so she usually defers (we do have moments, don't get me wrong!) but making your dad as much of a partner in the decisions as you can, giving him some power might help you both navigate all of this. Enlist the other members of his team too, doctors, nurses aids...anyone you both like and trust, if he doesn't already have one a geriatric specialist can help you both navigate it all and don't you avoid seeking your own support people, whoever that is or whatever it looks like.

Yes. Because as an adult, he needs to know the truth. Tell him gently by saying you're really worried about him and that his doctors felt it would be safer for him not to drive anymore. Tell him you can only imagine how hard it must be to give up driving, then offer to take him on a drive somewhere if the facility will allow it. As to his finances just tell him not to worry bc your there to make sure no one will take advantage of him. Then follow thru by giving him some spending money. ($50 might do the trick). Hope this helps!