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Ok I have a question. I just found out by searching online that my 63 year old brother died. In 1994, a few months after my dad died, my middle older brother blew off the whole family. I do have another brother, the first born also. I don’t know what happened if he had a falling out with my brother or mom. She can’t figure it out but I think maybe older brother probably had some words with him over something or asked for money,etc.. and he was gone. This was now 28 years ago. My older brother tried contacting him for a few years while he still lived in our state but he wouldn’t respond. A few years later he moved out of state I’m guessing due to his job, and also remarried. My older brother found that out from googling. A few years ago I looked online and figured if I can find a phone number maybe I will talk to him just to say hi. He had absolutely no beefs with me (I was his younger sister by 10 years) anyway no luck. There was no pictures or info on him at all other then addresses he lived at or phone numbers that were old. Very strange. Anyway I decided to Google again yesterday and finally something came up and wasn’t expecting it. An obituary with his picture and drum set (he was a drummer and software engineer) which he died 4 days ago. I’m a bit sad even though he blew us all off I remember being a kid and having the best time with him.


Now the question is do I tell my mother? Yes she was upset over the years especially in the beginning after my dad died, I think It took a long time for her to accept it. What is my role now that I have this information? It is her son and I feel she should know. My older daughter says not to tell her so I’m not sure what to do and and would like other peoples opinion on this...


My mom has been in rehab the past month. She is doing ok with her rehab after she had a fall 6 weeks ago. She got injections in her knee to help get her around and is doing the therapy and everything they ask of her. I’m not sure how much longer she will be there or what the end result is going to be. She seems fine mentally no dementia or anything that I can tell. Any advice would be appreciated.

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IF there is a chance that this will be mentioned at the next family gathering then yes you should tell her. If this is a subject that is not spoken of then there is no reason to tell her. If she has friends that might find out about the death and tell her then yes you should tell her. If she talks about him however then again yes you should tell her.
If your brother had no beef with you why did he not contact you?
Did your brother have a family? How do you or would you feel if you extended the family? Your mom may have grandkids that she would want to know.

IF your mom had dementia my answer would be completely different. I would say no you do not tell her.
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Ginger9909 Apr 2021
Thanks! There is no one around anymore other then me, my brother and his family and no family gatherings at all. All of my moms friends have died, including everyone on her side of her immediate family years ago. She lives alone in a small duplex home and my oldest brother lives about 15 minutes away. I haven’t even told him yet. Yes my brother was married at the time with two young girls. Those girls too had nothing to do with us. When he left the state at some point got remarried from what we read. The obituary didn’t mention any kids just the surviving wife which of course we don’t know
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Your profile says nothing about mom's health. If she has any health or dementia issues, NO, it will only cause stress and confusion. If she is healthy, still NO. You saw her struggle with this before, do not start it over again.
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I would call your older brother and tell him what you found. I may not tell Mom until she was home from rehab. Its not an emergency. The funeral is probably over and done with. Since there is no Dementia involved, I would tell her. She has a right to know.
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Yes. She has a right to know.

If she did have dementia, she still has a right to know; however, I would not remind her of this loss because that would be cruel.
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No would be my advice. She doesn't speak about him or ask about him if I understand correctly. If she ever DOES ASK ABOUT HIM I would lie my bottom off on this one at that time, would tell her I will research him if she would like. If she asks that you do, THEN tell her his date of death. Clearly he didn't care enough to contact family. Clearly family has not care enough about the brothers to reach out to them or speak of them. So it is done. They have moved on. There is no reason for her to have to deal with this news. The fact she doesn't speak of them means that she has chosen in her own mind to move on and let them move on. They did so, and have now truly moved on. Leave it. For myself, I would not have told a single soul, including my daughter, as once you tell someone there is no longer a secret.
If she find out you knew, and knows at some point, say that yes, you accidentally found out, and as she never spoke of him you felt she had no curiousity, and that the information could only be either sad for her or meaningless for her, and you held your peace.
I usually believe in telling a senior anything they want to know, so if she even asked I would say "I will see what I can find" and I would tell her you have found out he died, and when.
Some say she has a "right" to know. She does. She could ask you on any day of the week to try to find out for her. She hasn't. She doesn't WANT to know, and that's a choice as well.
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When my OB died, totally out of the blue, we too were were estranged from him. Mom was 83 at the time and had not seen him in years. It had been 12 years for me.

We had kind of wrapped her in cotton batting to protect her from him and his shenanigans-legal and otherwise. He was in jail a few times, we didn't tell her. He fathered children she's never met.

He was her 'golden boy' and. honestly, it was sickening to the rest of us to have to deal with what we knew as truth about him when she was constantly protecting and supporting him.

If his kids had not all come to town to spend his last days with him (massive stroke and no consciousness afterwards) and the oldest grandchild got in touch with mother to tell her--we may likely have never told her. IDK. This is something you need to think about. Sounds like she's had a lot to deal with.

I agree with JoAnn--there's no rush to tell her and you may need to wait until the right moment to tell her.
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Ever hear the expresion "It's best to let sleeping dogs lie"?
If she brings it up, then maybe you can say you'll look into it. Otherwise, there is no reason to tell her. The righteous say she has a right to know, but if it will sadden her, why tell her?
Make sure your brother and family are on the same page with you.
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Another way to consider this is what value would come to your mother by telling her?   Would it improve her therapy, and her life after that?
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Thank you everyone for all of your replies. It was very helpful information.
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I would tell her, as I believe she deserves to know. If she finds out that you knew and didn't tell her, that could cause a whole other set of issues. Honesty is always the best policy, especially since she doesn't have any mental decline or anything like that. Let her decide what to do with the information, once it's provided to her. Best wishes.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2021
funkygrandma59,

How would the mom find out that Ginger9909 knew her brother had died? Is she going to search her internet history?
It would only cause the poor woman grief. If she hasn't spoken to her son in 28 years, why bring him out now and upset her with hearing about his death?
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Ask yourself to what you expect to gain for telling her. If she had no contact with him for so long and doesn't ask about him, I see no point in hitting her with this right as she's trying to recover from a fall and subsequent issues.
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Penelope123 Apr 2021
Right, I agree. I have gone through this myself with my own brother. Very painful losing someone who walks away from you. She's suffered enough.
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No way absolutely not! Do not tell her as it won’t do her a bit of good. Also don’t tell anyone who will tell her, so just keep it to yourself. I know you’re going to not have loose lips (sink ships) mindset. Just help her get well and thank goodness she doesn’t have dementia. Hugs 🤗
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No. Don't tell her. If he hasn't spoken to her in 28 years, why bring him up now? It will only upset your mother.
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No.
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ONLY if she asks. (period) If she does ask, chances are that she somehow knows and will know the difference if you are untruthful. You may dismiss me about this, but I believe that as people age and don't interact with daily life, they become in tune with life in other ways.

I repeat, ONLY if she asks you.
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I wouldn't tell her. I quit telling my mom about friends of hers who passed on. If she asked, I just said I haven't heard from them in a while.
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Print out the obituary. When she asks, pull it out and show it to her.
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If she doesn't ask, I wouldn't offer. Why make her sad and possibly suffer with regret over an issue she didn't even understand nearly 30 years ago? What is the point. You haven't known his whereabouts all these years - let that be the same story. If someone else brings it up to her, just go with 'I had no idea because he walked away years ago'.
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Why would you tell a 90 year old woman that her son died?
If she has any positive memories, this is what will serve her now.
I do not see any benefit or positive aspect to tell her this. Do you?
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Penelope123 Apr 2021
My brother did the same to my family for no reason coming from him causing so much pain. He wanted NO contact with any of us. Your answer is the right one. Why cause her anymore pain as she's already suffered with him walking away from her. You wonder how someone who was treated well by both parents and siblings could do this.
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I'd be inclined to say no, don't bring it up, especially right now while she's recovering. She is older, so getting through all that rehab will be taxing. She doesn't need a bombshell dropped on her!

You say she took it hard when her left and that it took years for her to finally accept it. As someone else said, it might be best to let the "sleeping dog" lie. Presumably she hasn't asked about him in a long long time, so it's probably best to just leave it be.

Right now her focus should be on getting stronger and able to get around. This "news" could result in a huge set back. Maybe, just maybe some day in the future, but not now and probably not unless she asks about him.
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I also say no. Yes she has a right to know, but to what end. If she ever asks then tell her. 28 years is a long time with no contact.
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First of all, I am so sorry for your loss.

Your elderly mom is in rehab which is really hard work.

My mom also did rehab in her 90’s and it took a lot of physical effort and mental concentration.

In my opinion, it wouldn’t be good for your mom’s progress in rehab to distract her with the devastating news of hearing of her son’s death.

To be honest, personally I don’t think that there is ever the right time to tell her.

What purpose would it serve? It would only create sadness. I am sure she has sadness inside about his disappearance but sometimes not having the details is best.

You don’t have many details to tell her other than his death. Suppose she had questions. It would be heart wrenching for her to imagine what had happened to him.

I do empathize with you. You are younger and it’s disturbing to you so think about how difficult it would be for her.

Are you planning on contacting his wife?

How will you tell your brother? Do you think he will tell your mom? Do you think you should wait until your mom dies before you tell him?

This is sad all around. It truly is and my heart goes out to you.

I lost a brother. It absolutely broke my heart watching my mom grieve for him.

I wish that I could be more helpful. All I can say is that you are more than welcome to private message me if you need a shoulder to lean on. I know what it’s like to lose a brother.

Take care.
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Do not tell her.
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Have you ever asked her what her feelings about these "sons" is. If she has cut them out of her thoughts over the years then I wouldn't disturb her peace by even talking about them, and should she ever as she gets older ask, I personally would lie and say I don't know.
If however she talks about them, looks at pictures and obviously misses them then I would pick my moment and tell her.
At the end of the day it depends whether she really thinks she has sons or not.
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Hello. I will definitely share the news with her. She is his mother and as a mother I would want to know if my child has left this world before me, gently said.

My condolences to you and your family.
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Does she ever ask about him? If she asks if you have heard from him the answer is no, its not a lie.  I see no value in telling her your brother has died, it may just upset her.  Have you tried to find his children?  You don't know what he told them years ago about the family and why he had no contact.  We have a friend whose older brother had 2 children from a 1st marriage.  He walked away from them when the divorced and moved away.  He kept in touch with his own sibling from time to time.  His younger sisters (similar age difference to you & your brothers) found them and reached out after they were adults.  Sister now at least has contact with them and they have meet some cousins, aunts & uncles and their grandfather.  Maybe his children would like to know you.  Maybe meeting them would be a bright spot for your mother.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2021
Totally agree with you. To tell her now is heartless.

I am a mom and I would NOT want to know! It would break my heart.

It would be like ripping a scab off. A person truly has to ask themselves what would be the motive for telling her.

She can’t speak to him. He’s dead. She has lost him once, being MIA, so to speak and she has accepted it.

So, if she learns of his death now, she learns that he is permanently gone.

It seems incredibly cruel to tell her.
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Why? Is there a funeral she might miss? Probably not? Has she asked about him? IF she does, THEN tell her.
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Hi there. My condolences to you and your family.

I lost my brother last year. He was 65. My Mother is 91 and has dementia. She can still function on her own for the most part but the dementia is still prominent. When my brother died, I hard a very hard time deciding whether I should tell her.

Being a Mother myself, I felt it was her right to know. Even if she forgot tomorrow, I felt strongly that she should know. This was her child and I felt that I should be the one to tell her. I imagined if someone else had told her. The betrayal she might feel that I knew and I didn’t tell her. My Mom had a right to grieve.

I’m so glad I told her. Which ever decision you make, I hope you get through this with peace in your heart.
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I think you should tell your older brother and leave it to him to decide what to do. It would be better to have formal documentary evidence together first - but leave that task to your brother, too.

Your mother certainly ought to be told, only it doesn't have to be by you and it doesn't have to be now, straight away.
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Imho, it may serve no purpose to inform her now.
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