Should we stop taking my mother home trom her facility on the weekends?

Thanks for all the replies especially the older thread. Been thinking it over and I am going to focus on finding a place that will allow me to take her home. I will do so until it becomes a an issue for her. Way I see it my priority is to my mother, I had to place her for safety does not mean I have to completely limit her interactions with her family. We have a large family, it is simply not practical for all of us to visit her and have the type of fun we like to have in a facility without causing issues.

I understand one day it may be too much, and I will have to adjust when that day comes. This disease will eventually take everything from her, if she still visibly enjoys her weekend trips with family I do not see the harm in that. Why take away something she enjoys before i have to.

I will stand firm, be the best advocate I can for my mom while making her she enjoys life as much as she can given her situation. I will still be looking for a facility and my primary goal will be to my mother not to nesscaryly make the lives or jobs of the staff easier.

HAY!! LOOK you used to live here...

Hay Look you used live somewhere else... but not here...

too bad... You LIVE HERE....


OOPS, my bad (bad grammar) you cannot stay here... it's just a visit to somewhere you want to stay...but you cannot.... oops... sorry... bad humor... bad choice... either way... It's not good.... cuz you cannot and will not reside here... oops... I forget we have ALZ ...... my dementia,,,,, thinking I could show you where you used to live... but in reality.... you cannot... because.... it's not safe... and because..... we don't have enough......(fill in the blanks if necessary ).

FOR MOM'S SAKE..... DO NOT TEASE HER BRAIN... THAT IS MESSED UP IN SO MANY WAYS.... THINK..... AND THINK AGAIN.... HAY... LET's PLAY.... MESS WITH MOM'S BRAINS.... BRING HER HOME FOR A NIGHT.... PRETEND... AND TAKE HER BACK AGAIN...BECAUSE I cannot stay... got work the next day.. Mom needs 24/7 care.

I TRIED... and some many people here actually do this and succeed!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? MANY PEOPLE DO THIS, LITERALLY.... and it works... !

All I know, I tried.... And I didn't last that long... hubby called me out on it. He realized I was not sleeping.... at all...I still feel guilty...

Abzu: this questioned was asked a couple of years ago. The answers might help frame your thinking

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/wife-alzheimers-home-from-facility-for-weekend-155988.htm?orderby=recent

This is an individual situation. I could never have taken my godmother out for a visit. Her Alzheimer’s disease had progressed too far.

I keep thinking about Barb saying that her mother grabbed the steering wheel when her husband was driving. They never took her out again after having that experience.

Abzu, I ask this gently. Had your mother been diagnosed with a personality disorder or other mental illness BEFORE her dementia started?

More and more it sounds like there is something else going on here besides dementia.

Abzu, what strokes me in all of your posts is that neither of these facilities seems to be practicing "person centered care", i.e., what is good for your mom and not for staff or other residents.

I would keep searching for a better place.

Are there Board and Care facilities in your area?

Is there any staff training around dementia for the staff? Watching a couple of Teepa Snow videos and having a facilitated discussion with the social worker might make a huge difference.

Are you in the habit of regularly bring treats to the staff?

If her dementia is moderate to severe, taking her home is not helping her. Routine is SO important for people with dementia. And they take much longer to re-acclimate. 

My husband’s grandmother had dementia and was in MC. Her daughter (my MIL) would take her out for lunch on weekends, or just drive around. It was okay for awhile but soon it was a detriment. 

She thought they’d been out of town and worried that “the hotel” wouldn’t let her back inside. Or thought they were moving away. Once she got back, she couldn’t find her bathroom, wasn’t sure where she was. It would take 24 hours at least to re-orient. An outing that was a few hours to us was a week in her mind. 

Eventually my MIL realized taking her mother out was something of a selfish act. It was making MIL feel better about having to put her mother in MC. But it wasn’t helping her mother at all. From then on, lunches and visits were brought to her.

I would never put someone in a care facility that did not "allow" for them to be taken out for overnight stays, weekends, holidays, or vacations.

If you move your mother to the new facility, you won't be putting her into "care". You'll be putting her in prison. My friend, there's no need for such cruelty. This is coming from me and everyone here knows what kind of relationship I have with my mother. Even I wouldn't place her somewhere she wasn't allowed to take a few days off from.
So in plain language, don't do that to your mother because it's wrong.

Since you don't mention dementia, I'm going to assume that your mother is mentally capable rational discussion and can be reasoned with. More likely than not, you've got a senior brat on your hands and "meds" can't fix that.

So you, your mom, and and the administrator of the facility she's currently in should have a sit-down. Tell her plainly that either she cleans up her abusive act where she is, or she will be drugged with anti-depressants and then moved to a different facility where she will not be allowed to leave for a weekend, and in turn will be spending every night for the rest of her life there.

I think she'll clean up her abusive behavior and start being very cooperative with you and the staff.

I don't know if you're aware of this or not, but if your mother does not have dementia or has not been determined to be mentally incompetent, you nor anyone else has a right to push any "meds" on her without her consent. So, I hope for your sake and the facility she's in that she doesn't make a call to her doctor and say something.

Have the sit-down with your mom and the facility administrator and see if she can stay. Tell her what I told you. If her behavior improves forget about the psych "meds" and give her a chance. If it doesn't, move her out (make sure she's declared incompetent first) and drug her if that's the only way staff can deal with her.

Please stop saying just things like it is just name calling or verbal abuse. Do not downplay abuse. Abuse is abuse and no one should have to be subjected to abuse even from someone that is sick. Your mother really should be on medications to reduce such behavior even if said medication has a light sensitive effect on her. We need to protect our health care workers and forcing them to take abuse from their patients is not healthy. Clearly your mother is on edge being in a facility for her sake and the staffs try anything to reduce the edge.

Maybe seeing less of her family will help her adjust overtime, or possibly foster a new family or comfort zone in the facility. Hard to say, but taking someone out of MC every weekend seems cruel you are robbing them of the chance to find solace and find peace in their new home. If you keep reminding her she has a home elsewhere and family outside the place she spends most her time what good does that do for her?

You placed her because you must have known you could not take care of her anymore. Let professionals do it, give up the control let them take over. You are clearly a control freak, and I get it that is your mom. Problem is if you want absolute control take her back home and care for her. Don’t make the job harder for those doing the actual care giving on a day to day bases. Her behavior may be cute or funny to you, but it is damaging to caregivers that work in these facilities.

Take a hint, your mother sounds like a handful, you’re doing all this fighting only will make it harder for you to find a place for her. You need to learn to play ball with placement.

Just a thought on the bathing issue;

Each time my mom came back to her NH from a hospital stay, they did an intake with her, which included preference both baths or showers. Also what time of day they got her up and prepared her for bed.

These are basic human rights; they are spelled out in detail in "the NH Bill of Rights" posted on the lobby of each facility.

And yes, this was a NH that accepted Medicaid.

Good Nursing Homes exist. Persist in your search and ask about the reason for policies. Call the Ombudsman if you want to know if the patient's right are being violated.

In reading your post, you do NOT mention dementia. Therefore, I'm assuming you are finding her a place in Assisted Living, rather than Memory Care.

If your Mom is in a Memory Care unit, routine is extremely important so I totally agree with the policy of no overnights, unless you are taking her on the very rare vacation multiple day vacation.

If the new facility is used to dealing with difficult individuals, the reason for no overnights is because sometimes, what is needed is "structure" and routine. My Mom is in MC. When she was in the hospital after oral surgery, she insisted on waiting in the hall so that she could get a bath. They couldn't get through to her that she was in a hospital, so after 30 minutes, they finally restrained her to the bed (yes, she tried to bite them and punch them) and sedated her. (...and that experience is a different topic.)

So I totally understand the "not take the person outside for overnight trips"

I would ask the facility for clarification, Exactly what time of the day is she expected to be at the facility? Can you take her out for an extended vacation? If your Mom is not going to MC, does the rule still apply to her? Why did they put the policy in place?

As for you, I would reflect on your Mom's behavior. Could the fact that you are taking her overnight be the reason why she is abusive to the staff?

Just a few thoughts....Good luck!

I'd go with the meds & no leaving for at least a month, maybe two - to trial.

My LO was taught to be 'good in company'. This is deep seated & she shows respect to any staff/ care workers. But out of their view, with family.. she can become bossy & attempts to control us.

Your Mom is sort of the opposite. Pleasant to you & other residents but reacts with rudeness to people in 'authority positions'. Has she always been like that?

I hope the next month brings positive change.

Why you take her home in the first place does not compute to me, all you are doing is confusing her and giving her false hope that she can leave where she is placed so she keeps the pressure on.

Might be time to let the trained people handle her and not keep running the same tape over & over in your head and accomplishing nothing.

She is a manipulator, has the routine down pat, gets you all worked up, keeps the stress level high. Works for her, what about everyone else?

I would have far more confidence in a residence that required full time living than one that allowed residents, especially those with adjustment issues, to come in and out.

See if you can find a geriatric behavior specialist to see her. I’m not sure what the goal of an antidepressant actually is, but our behavioral specialist put together a group of small doses of two or three medications that achieved near miracles for my LO.

Still, she was in a very good placement for a little over 6 months before she was able to relax and enjoy her “hotel”.

You should be able to view any policy that they have, but be very certain that she benefits from leaving her “home”. Many residents thrive on aand if she does, she’s entitled to it.

I’m sorry that your mom has difficult behavior.

If it doesn’t help her by taking her home, plus the fact that it is going to be against the new facility’s policies, why would you even want to bring her home?

What stage of dementia is she in? I hope that you see some improvement with her meds.

She doesn’t need to go home with you. It probably upsets her in ways that you can’t understand, since your brain works normally but hers doesn’t.

If the place that allows no weekend visits wants her, let her live there. Allow the professionals to deal with her.

Then you can stop thinking the problem to death and resume normal life.

Grandma1954 August 1, 2023 5:07 pm
For many over night stays can be confusing.
Often there can be behavior problems when the resident returns.
For many routine is important and a visit overnight throws off the routine.
There are regulations for each State.
It is possible that the Doctor has to sign off on the visit.
Check "Medicare Bed Hold Policy"
You can view it on line. Might be faster to look through if you Google the Hold Policy for your specific State rather than going through each state.

Not wrong. Weekend visits are fun, but I really do not enjoy having to bump heads with staff all the time.

Well if mom gets kicked out the new place might be her only solution and then no more weekend visits. I hope the medication works.

Yeah that was one of the first things we tried. It did not improve the situation it actually made it worse. She started with exit seeking behavior. We partially feel that the weekend trips make her more manageable to deal with, and it is part of her routine so to speak.

Maybe taking mom home in the weekends is the reason for her bad behavior to staff during the week.

Have you tried telling mom if she mistreats the staff during the week then no weekend visits?

I only ask because she clearly can control this behavior since she doesn't do it to the other residents.