To be clear, she’s done this for years — is she coming? When is she coming? Is she bringing her partner? Her son? Will she complain about the food? How long will she stay and if we aren’t nice enough, will she leave in a huff? Etc etc.
My parents always fell for this — even when I was the host — because “let’s just have a nice Christmas.” (Nice for who?)
Last year Dad moved down by me in AL, in our new state we moved to during the pandemic. So we managed to host a nice Christmas. Sister came, brought her family, gifts, we did the cooking and baking and cleaning and the tree and the outings — if you’ve been there, you know. It turned out pretty great, though my husband and I needed like two solid days of sleep to recover.
But this year she’s back to her old tricks.
First she told Dad in August she probably wasn’t going to make Christmas. Why? He’s very old and has early dementia and fifty other health problems. Why tell him *in August*?
But okay, husband and I decide, we can do a nice day with Dad and then surprise the kids with a mini getaway on the 26th (they are teens and we have never done something like that). My H was doing research and then, in September, we hear from my sister. They are coming! They already told Dad!
Okay, glad we didn’t tell the kids about the plan (Universal Orlando, if you are wondering) but it could be his last Christmas, let’s do the big family thing again.
Until today — message from Dad. “Your sister says she’s not coming for Christmas.”
No details. So now we need to check with her and find out and blah blah blah.
And it’s only October. Can’t I just say screw it and take the kids to Universal???? I mean, I know I can’t, but I still want to.
Your kids and marriage ought to come first, in my mind.
In my family, we have a "second" holiday celebration. This started because we decided to stop trying to accommodate EVERYONE at one holiday meal. Everyone has their own family on "the day" and we have a larger non-sit down potluck a week later. Everyone gets to see everyone.
If you're going to cancel your plans for your dad, because this might be his last Christmas, that's one thing. To do it for a sibling who seem to enjoy playing passive-aggressive games? I have a sister like that, and I tell you it will be a cold day in hell before I change my plans because of her stupid games. If that means that ultimately, she's alone with her loser of a husband on Christmas, that's not my problem!
Go on your trip! You can always "do family Christmas" after the fact; do a joint Christmas/New Year's celebration with dad; you can magnanimously invite sis - or not! - as you see fit. Text sis and tell her "dad said you changed your mind about Christmas...is this true?" And if she starts with the nonsense, tell her that's fine with you guys, since you were thinking about changing up your normal Christmas plans anyway. DO NOT let her control you with this crap!
Why on earth 'can't' you take your kids to Universal?? Celebrate the holidays with your father before or after this trip to Universal, and that takes care of everything. Who cares WHAT your sister-the-manipulator winds up doing? Holding you hostage like this year after year is absurd, and you allowing her to do it is even more absurd! Put an end to it immediately. What your father 'wants' is not always possible for YOU to accomplish. Sorry dad, here's what I CAN do for you this year.
The end.
Your sister is very inconsiderate and should have been put in her place years ago. I hate wishy washy people. I usually end up just doing whatever I want.
I don't play games anymore. If you are wishy washy concerning something that needs planning...I just go ahead and make my plans. Your life should not have to center around sister.
Go ahead and make your Christmas plans. Accept that she's not coming. Treat her like an adult and take her word for it. Even if she changes her mind (again) that doesn't mean that you and your family have to bend over backward to accommodate her, her mood swings, or her whims. Enjoy Christmas your way!
Some things sound better that they actually are. But if there is always going to be one person doing it all or underlying tension then why bother?
Fulfilling someone's final request is great in theory but not always doable. That's life.
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