It's looking more and more like my house is too small to house my mom (who I'm caring for), her elderly sister, my son and myself. But, in order to upsize, my mom and aunt will have to help finance. My sister is in another state and can't help. Now, she's acting weird about our house search and making comments about cutting into the inheritance. Not sure how to handle it and not sure how to not be hurt.
That generation’s experience was of a much shorter average length of life. Men older than they were retired at 65 and often only lived another couple of years. Even when life expectancy increased, the diet together with fewer medications gave the 1950s and 60s a rash of common unexpected heart attack deaths. There was almost no expectation of living to age 95 and requiring around the clock personal care 24/7/365.
People of that age who spent the money on their own retirement, did it with a trip around the world. The older American tourist was everywhere when I was in my 20s in Europe. Saving money for a nursing home was NOT their expectation. It’s a huge change in attitude, and not everyone (including their own children) has caught up with it. We probably need more understanding for those who don’t understand how the world has changed.
I’m still a bit bruised from a recent experience where an ex-friend was forcing a marriage break-up which included her getting the lion’s share of all the assets plus sole custody of the child, with lots of very nasty game playing. After 8 months of this (which came out of the blue, amazing everyone who knew them both), husband age 50 was killed in a road accident and she inherited the lot. She turned tail, said she had always loved him, and demanded sympathy from all the people who had stopped talking to her. It was hard to know whether to commiserate for ‘her loss’ or to congratulate for the win. It certainly rubbed in that when and where death happens can make a huge difference to survivors. Pretending otherwise doesn’t really help.
Don't be hurt. It probably wasnt meant to hurt you -- she just happened to say what her brain thinks. If mom spends too much on getting care while alive, there will be less to divide up when mom passes. People with that mindset seem to want elders to be on a limited budget to make sure they get a good cut at probate time. Pitiful.
The other thing to consider is - if you need help from two people to finance a bigger house, what are you going to do if they have to go to facility or if they pass while living with you. How are you going to manage the mortgage?
If they put a considerable amount down on the house with you, you will probably need to have deed with 3 owners. Otherwise, if you need Medicaid in the next 5 years, that money is a 'gift' to you and penalty will delay when payments start to the nursing home.
As far as the inheritance is concerned just inform her that she is expected to contribute to the finances or she can spend the inheritance on the cost of living in an old folks home.
Put everything in writing.
Is there money for 24-hour care for 2 people if it becomes necessary?
Before death it is money that is to be used for their care.
Before you begin looking to upsize keep in mind that this will benefit YOU in the long run. If there is a chance that anyone of the persons you are caring for will have to apply for Medicaid any money that goes to buy a house will probably be counted as a "gift" and will either have to be paid back or will delay the acceptance for Medicaid.
And Pennsylvania has some strange filial responsibility laws.
https://www.paelderlaw.net/pennsylvanias-filial-support-law-children-can-be-held-responsible-for-parents-unpaid-nursing-home-bill/
You need to be careful. If Medicaid ever is needed, not smart owning a house with someone who is on Medicaid. Their portion can produce a lean on the house at their passing. You can live there but if u sell, the lean/s will need to be satisfied.
You need to look ahead down the road to when Medicsid funds might be needed. And at 10-12 K per month for NH care, EVERYONE except the generational wealthy needs to be keeping Medicaid in mind.
Too many people don't seem to realize that all that money Grandma and Grandpa have saved for their retirement is FOR THEIR RETIREMENT. That includes fun stuff like traveling as well as not-so-fun stuff like nursing homes and Depends.
Funny how that works -- a person's money is their own until it isn't. Sis is really tacky to even bring that up. Feel free to tell her. :-)