How can my siblings abandoned my mother, she was a good mom?

As adults we all have to make choices. It's a question of morality.
Being in this situation myself and making the choice to create a safe comforting place for my mother after her diagnosis of ALS was the only possible choice for me.
The fact that my two brothers who abandoned my mother after her diagnosis reveals their lack of mercy for not only a helpless suffering human being, but for a woman who did everything for them and never challenged them with one criticism or an unkind word for 30 years putting up with disrespect in so many ways from them and their wives.
My mother held her daughters to a much higher standard of family responsibility and demanded respect.
In the end that is what has been revealed.
Regardless of my disgust for my brothers cowardly , narcissistic, despicable treatment of our mother, my concern is solely for her.
I am also a mother of 4 . The fact that she will die knowing the sons she nurtured and supported unconditionally have turned their backs on her in her darkest last moments to me is sheer torment and nothing short of abusive. To know that they turned their backs when she was no longer of any benefit to them. They cut her off of phone calls , Mother's Day gifts etc..
Leaving her with "what did I do wrong" emotionally heart broken.
My mother did nothing other than she did too much and never made any demands of them regarding respect for herself .
They refused to take on rolls regarding her illness that were only beneficial to her during this ravaging illness and not themselves. My responsibility now and all those as caregivers is it to focus on Mom/ Dad and create a loving safe environment for her/ him surrounding them with the 7 grandchildren who adore her, the daughters who respect her and her son- in- laws who honor her.
Your cowardly selfish siblings are of no importance to you. They have made their choice as adults and are accountable for those choices.Do not make the focus their abandonment. They are undeserving of even a minute of your emotional energy.The focus is your parent who is suffering, and to be kind to yourself as a caregiver. Protect yourself in every way ,
From your sibling bags as most likely they will blame you for their cowardice.

My sister has been creating division in my family for 40 years. My Mum supports her in everything that she says and does and the rest of us are supposed to just accept everything. Two of my brother were more or less cut off 30 years ago. and the rest of us have been cut off in recent months. My sister will say that it's us who have cut ourselves off but that's not true. For whatever reason my mother has no interest in the rest of us and can only see my sister. It is very painful and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. No matter what we say or do it just keeps getting worse. My mother and my sister are both in complete denial that my sister is doing what she is doing.

I am caring for my mother alone. Neither my older sister or younger brother makes an effort to assist with her care or offer financial assistance Each has devised a dreamy statement as to why they rarely visit and cannot possibly help. My sister breezes in once a month to spend a couple hours and bring a few tupperware containers of food, and that's it. Then she's off and free as a bird.
I realize my situation is not uncommon and many adult children step back from the difficult situation of parent care-giving, waiting for someone else to step up to the plate and take on the job. They then dream up their own clever, creative justificationas to why it is simply impossible for them to assist, as though they are the only people with busy schedules. If they think they are fooling anyone, they aren't. It is nothing more than selfishness.
I have lost whatever respect I once had for them both. When it's over and my mother had moved on, I will go forward knowing I did what I could with what I had. And if I never see either of my siblings again, it will be OK.

Can’t get over being the youngest person in my family and being the only one to attempt to save my mother form death. My father could have cared less, my cousin had no interest and my sister was building a new life with a white man. When my mother would get sick and have to go to the hospital for years I was the one who went with her and fought for her fair treatment with doctors and staff. When I called my father one time he said I can’t come by I have no money to give (wow). As my mother was dying and saying some bad stuff I remember seeing my cousin on the street after coming back from the hospital with my mother. She had just referenced going home to see her mother and when I saw my cousin I felt it was divine intervention to help cheer up mommy. Boy was I wrong, I got out of the car and told my cousin what’s up and within 2 minutes the conversation was about her emotional deficiencies and drama instead of being about momma. Finally my sister who had promised me the most important thing in her life was her mother’s health. This was in 2007 right after my mother came out of cancer treatments for ovarian cancer. We were coming home one day and we made a pack to stay close and help our mother forever. That was a short lived pack as she moved to Florida with a piece of shit white man who proceeded to damage her life and that of my family. Over the years I would ask my sister to come home so mommy could see her grandkids and spend time with my sister on the mother daughter vibe. She never obliged and visited less than 8 times as her job was always number 1 which I remotely understand. Well in 2012 my genius cousin and sister suggest my mother take a fucking greyhound bus to Virginia where my sister was staying at the time. I did not agree but my mother really wanted to go so she went and came back looking sicker than a starving child. I’ll never forget the day when she came out of the bedroom and I was on the couch and noticed the look of death that permeated from her. At that moment I knew it was time to change and my gut feeling plus newly acquired knowledge led me to believe food was at the core of this health issue and I personally completely changed my eating habits and sought to change the habits of my loved ones. Unfortunately my efforts where not adhered to and probably too late to make a significant impact but at least I tried. My pain comes from the fact that my mother dedicated her life to all 3 of these people and in my honest opinion they all abandon her especially when she needed them the most. My father obviously failed by leaving and never helping. My cousin’s mother was my mother’s sister and she died when my cousin was three. My mother, grandmother and aunt raised her very well and always protected her so in my eyes she should have been more involved. My sister failed because being the older sibling comes with responsibilities that in my opinion she abandoned in pursuit of her family which was a bogus and desperate situation to anyone who observed it. She broke her pack leaving her younger brother to stay close, she also refused to come home within the last 6 months of my mother’s life even after I explained the seriousness of the situation and bluntly asked for help and support. All she kept saying was send her down here, send her down here. This would ultimately be the mistake of my lifetime as my sister at the instruction of her punk ass husband took her to hospital that killed her. She had been suffering for months ever since a car accident sparked up some back pains and was in bad shape. Being that sister did not witness the dissension it is my belief it seemed overwhelming and sought help from the hospital to save her. But my mother was passed the point of surgery and every doctor nurse and medical staff I talked to advised against it. Not this hospital they advised surgery, scared my sister with new talks of cancer and began billing and chopping my mother to death as I fought and had to witness this in Virginia. What made it worse was sister after bailing 5 years ago felt empowered enough to gain a power of attorney and act boss like out of nowhere. This was disgusting and honestly unforgivable, but with my mother’s spirit comes forgiveness which I have done but sometimes I really wonder about these people. Mommy I’ll see you soon

One can only have pity for the weak in character. We see this in all aspects of life, not only caregiving. Obviously, we can not talk strength into someone, or accountability. They have their fears and limitations for whatever reasons. Very sad.

waddle1,
How heartbroken you must be. You've not only lost your mother, but you have lost some important respect and perhaps even love for your father, as well. Please accept my heartfelt sympathy.
What comfort is there in a situation such as this one? You are right to feel resentment; you would be dishonoring the memory of your mother to feel any other way.
The question is what to do with it. A wise pastor once explained to me that "there are things we simply never get over, but we do eventually get past." When you have tried to compassionate your father's fear, when you have acknowledged the essential humanity of his despair in the face of his life partner's decline, then, held up by the grace of God, you can get past it. That may sound impossible now, but it can happen and will happen if you face the sad, even awful facts, allow yourself to grieve, and then, when you're ready, just get on with things.

Mom is living in a nursing home due to a car accident. Mild dementia is the dx right now. She wants out all the time and accuses me of placing her in the nursing home against her wants. She went from living privately in her own house to a nursing home due to her accident, several surgeries, and injuries. She basically has no control over anything any more and this annoys her too. So she has decided not to eat as much as she should and is losing weight. The nursing home has contacted me about this weight loss due to the fact that if she continues to not eat her body will shut down and that's the end. I've brought in some of her past favorites to munch on but since she resents me for putting her in the nursing home she is controlling this issue too by not eating it. The staff and her doctor have tried protein shakes and my mother refuses to take any pills due to her paranoia of this too. Any suggestions as to how I can stimulate her to eat more?

"Can't deal with it," "not emotionally strong," "can't handle it," etc. are immature, self-indulgent excuses from real losers."---Fitzgerald

Fitzgerald...I know we've been discussing the lack of involvement by siblings but the above comment and excuses actually reminded me of a parent. So, just wondering...what your opinion is if those "excuses" come not from siblings, but from the spouse of the person in declining health and needing more care. My mother died almost two years. IMO it didn't have to happen. But, I think my father was heavily influenced by not only what he was being encouraged to do by a misdirected sibling, but because of his weakness and selfishness. He didn't want or like being a caregiver, and therefore made decisions concerning my mother's care which benefited, not her, but himself. I hold a resentment towards him that I try to hide and I'm not proud of. Do you think spouses of those in need of caregiving, should be an exception to criticism for not wanting to participate in the care?

There are so many things siblings can do to help, in a secondary or indirect way, if past abuses make it difficult for them to help in a primary or direct way. But sometimes a family is like a committee -- some folks quietly work their hearts out, some folks imagine they're working their hearts out but aren't really doing much, some folks take credit for the work that others are doing, some folks make excuses for not doing anything, and some folks don't even show up.
Blessed be the ones working their hearts out: the caregivers.

"Can't deal with it," "not emotionally strong," "can't handle it," etc. are immature, self-indulgent excuses from real losers. Anyone who "forgives" a sibling for these "weaknesses" is an enabler. Period.

Most times, kids in the same family can have VERY different experiences with their parents & vice versa, even in the best of times, best circumstances..
But it's so much more complicated & difficult if there are:
Divorces, frequent moves, age differences, different stresses happening when each kid was born/raised, changing spouses, no spouses, unreliable jobs/income, unemployment, physical and/or mental ills, alcoholism, drugs, special needs, court ordered visitation schedules, church refusal to acknowledge a marriage or the kids [Catholic], etc.;
ANY/ALL can cause one or more of the kids to be treated & develop VERY differently than the others--and cause parent persons to treat the kids very differently.
That's all on top of basic personality differences.
Believe me, ALL these have happened in my families [it's a wonder any of us got anything "normal" in our lives, right?]

One can hopefully learn, sooner than later hopefully, that they're the "odd person out", & take steps to protect themselves from the negative behaviors, while doing the best they can to be a part of family--family IS important! [thought this is difficult at best] [Some family is better than none--MAYBE.]
SOMEtimes one must find "family" for themselves, when their own family can't be that for them--that's where friends, community, volunteer activities, etc. are so important!

I ultimately failed to learn, nearly for a lifetime, that Mom wanted me out, while consistently telling people the opposite---kinda like the boss who smiles & compliments when others are around, but treats you badly when 1:1 , then fires you? That.
I failed to figure this out soon enough--God knows there were WAAAAY enuf cues I should have!!! It took til I was over 60 to "get it" how badly [parts of her] Mom wanted me OUT, not just from her life, but from my siblings lives, too--
--all while repeatedly jerking my chain that she needed my help, loved me [parts of her do], & BEGGED to come live with me [a pretty exciting part of her drama, that trip was!!] --lived with me several years until her behaviors got too epic to handle, & she orchestrated the hugest drama she could [manipulating the other kids & their kids] to get out of here.
NOT worth it.
Funny thing is, Today's Dr. Oz talked about the youngest child frequently trying to usurp the oldest child's position? Yeah--that was included in the whole play, too.

They all got nice assets given them [especially the youngest]; I got token amounts & "gifts" too small to help what was really needed, empty promises, threats, blackmail, manipulations, epic negativity, elder's rages that lasted hours at a time, abused, filth she left behind, nearly got evicted due to her behaviors & garbage, no connections allowed with family while they all say otherwise--until I try to carry any talk beyond hello--ugly.
Verbal contact with any of them is a RISK, because verbal = plausible deniability. NONE of them will carry a conversation in writing--neither will I, anymore.

I nearly lost my husband, he almost lost his life, I nearly died, all of it coming to a terrible head near her BD one year. Both of us are frail ourselves, now--oh--and as if that was not enough, she also turned neighbors against us, which effectively prevents us living where we had worked so hard to retire to.
I -REALLY- have a hard time remembering anything good, but I keep trying!

When you find yourself in a terrible situation trying to help your elders,
step back & look from different perspectives:
==Have there been similar behaviors over many years, or only related to dementias later in life?
==Do other family members side with your elders against you, &/or actively copy the elder's behaviors at you too?
==How is your health with caregiving your elder under your roof?
==How is your immediate family [spouse, kids], with caregiving under your roof?
==Is caregiving destroying your Spirit [triggering depression, sick stress, anxiety, inability to sustain friendships, inability to keep doing other preciously enjoyed daily activities]?
==How are your finances & your job, with this?

A person might be fine with trying to martyr-it-out-to-the-bitter-end;
if that is what you choose, anyone who knows it should honor your choices, ONLY IF you fully understand the reality of it, understand all the information needed to make that sort of choice.
OTH, if this situation is destroying you in any way or amount, it's time to proactively find OTHER care/shelter for your elder[s],
=not under your roof=.
You can still go visit them, even assist them, if they live elsewhere
[UNLESS family prevent you doing that].

Realistically, no one, no agency, expects anyone to be destroyed, financially or health-wise, in the process of caring for one's elders
--though cultures & religions have seemed to perpetrate that for centuries.
UNfortunately, too many fall into that trap, get too far down that "rabbit hole", then have a very hard time getting out of it.
Some die before their elders do, the stress is so great.

If adverse family prevent your visiting /contact, you can pray, meditate, get counseling, or whatever practices you choose, to find a healthier balance for yourself, while holding good thoughts.
There are always things to be grateful for: find those & hold onto those!
It's hard to remember good stuff, after having been badly treated,
but even one tiny bit is better than none, and very important for holding onto sanity.

Are the other siblings still raising their families and working full time? Both my husband and I are the youngest and our older siblings act like we are retired. We do help take care of our parents, but we can't be 2 places at once.

Also, those that are trying to help, are delaying getting qualified help for our mom and she is not getting medical care.

I can see both sides of these stories.

I think some people have a hard time dealing with seeing their parent(s) decline. It's a lot easier for them to ignore it, not see their parent(s) and put them out of their thoughts, than to have to deal with the sorrow. And then there are others who hold grudges or didn't have a good childhood, and hold bad feelings towards their parents. It isn't right, but it does happen. Sometimes subconsciously. There's really nothing you can do aobut it Lonewolf, except what you've already done...trying to get family to visit and trying to consul your mother. It's hard, but reality, that you probably can't change. Don't waste a lot of your tme or energy wondering why or how you can change it.

I wish you and your mother, family...peace.

Lonewolf:

My husband & I took care of my mom & dad for over 20 years, helping them with various things, repairs on the home & outbuildings, I gardened for them, canned goods for them, mowed, trimmed, took weeds out of several flower beds, I'm not talking small yard either it is a farm. Then I found out my mother had been lying about me to not only my siblings, but sending letters to my grandson, daughter & sister, horrible lies, horrible! Needless to say, we no longer went to help, then my dad became ill, no one contacted me or my sister, he was in & out of hospitals, in & out of nursing home, when I would call to ask mother how they were, she lied. Went to see them, lied to also about their health! Then dad passed away, no one called or contacted me or my sister. Talk about wronged, that is wrong! Know how I found out my dad passed away? My husband frequently googled my dad's name, for fear that would happen, that's how I found out my dad had passed away. In fact to make it worse, he passed away in a hospital in the same city I live in. How does that feel? It doesn't feel good! My sister & I went to the wake, along with 24 other family members that have also been treated poorly by the family, for no reason either. We all met there, along with other friends of ours & walked in together & left together. Know how that feels to walk by your dad's casket, as if you are only a friend or relative, with the rest of the family lined up in front of it? Not good! Don't be too quick to judge why some family doesn't go around parents after they get older. Sometimes it is warranted! My husband & I did everything we could for my parents, so did my sister & her husband, although she lived far away, she came every year on a vacation from work & spent 2 weeks with them & did all she could. Sometimes all you can do is stay away! In my & my sister's case, we think it is all about the greedy siblings, thinking they are going to get everything, after all where were they when we helped for over 20 years? I never once complained about the rest of them not helping, I was happy to help as my husband & I were semi retired, so the rest of them all worked & we felt we were helping all of them, see how that was appreciated???

You continue to help your mother, if that is what you want to do! But don't feel bad if you have to step aside & let someone else help or get help when you feel overwhelmed! When my husband & I helped our parents, I let my own health go & paid dearly for it, but it was all about making them happy & safe at the time!

I am in the same situation. My mother calls my sister and begs her to come visit her where she lives in a nursing home now. My sister answers sarcastically yeah I'll come visit but she never does. Now my mother thinks I did something to her since she won't visit her. I am full of guilt and saddened by all of this. I am the only one who visits mother and yet mother wants to desperately see her other daughter. She even ended the phone call with the words I love you. My mother has never said these words to me. Shame.

We will all be old some day and will probably need help. We need to forgive our parents for their failings and each do our share in their care. I'm sure I haven't been a perfect parent, is anyone? If families would care for each other, alot of tax money could be saved. We have become a selfish society.

Jottie757 I understand about the anger but try hard to put it aside as it will only harm you both physically and emotionally. I have been with my loved one Hal for almost five years and one sister of two helps and one of his sons does his best by trying to be here on Sunday afternoons(he works 2nd shift) The rest think a visit once or twice a month is enough. I have posted before that one can't make anyone do the right thing. Just do what you know is right and you will be able to look yourself in the mirror

Dear Lonewolf, What a wonderful daughter you are. I am sorry that you are going through this without the help of your siblings. They have no excuse. They are not only not helping with your mom, they are not even considering the toll this work has on you. Taking care of an ill loved one is hard work, although a loving job. Watching someone you love slip away daily is a terrible feeling that you live with daily. My two sisters and I were in a similar situation with our grandmother. She was a beautiful woman; strong in God. We loved her so much. But her five living children (she had 8) had numerous excuses. They would come evey once in a while after some coaxing. My grnadmother asked" What have I done wrong? Aren't I a good mother?" It broke my heart. She did everything she could for them that they could think of, and even some things they didn't think of. I am now struggling with anger and disappoint I feel towards them, but I know they will have to answer to God. The work you are doing Lonewolf is honoring God, your mother and yourself. May God forever bless you. Hugs for you

All superb advice. I have felt so much better after reading Tigger's advice about letting go of siblings who aren't willing to stay close. I felt so guilty and sad for quite awhile. I don't like it when people get angry with me, but my fear of NOT doing the right thing overrides my need to please them. No more of that stuff! Civility is where i'm at!

I think we're all on here for a reason Waddle and filling the space is the whole idea. There's more to life than just caregiving! Thank Heaven!

Just a note for those of you who need help of any kind. One of the best places to start is the Agency on Aging or whatever it is called in your area. I get help 5X a week with the joint effort of the VA and this agency.

If dad is happy and safe at home that is such a huge blessing. It would be insane to throw that away. I wish there was a way to convey to brother and sister that his dementia is no one's fault, least of all yours...I do understand the wishful thinking along those lines though. It is easier to believe there is someone to blame and something that could be changed rather than to face painful reality.

I feel your pain. One of my sisters lives out of state, but comes so we can get away--once a year. My oldest brother moved 7 miles away so they could be close "to help". when I actually came out and asked for help they suddenly disappeared--pulled the littel financial support they had been giveing for the lawst 2 months and blamed me for dad getting dementia. Accused me of just letting dad sit in his chair etc etc. They have no idea that we walk with dad outside daily and he excersices daily. It has been about 2 months since my brother handed me a letter telling me that dad needed to be in a home and "he could no longer enable us to avoid the choices that need to be made". Dad is healthy and happy living with mom in an addition to our house. He may have dementia--but the bottom line is mom wants him home and we agree that as long as things are safe that that is where he will stay. My brother saw them rarely for 1 hour at a time prior to him handing my partner and I a letter tellings us that dad should be in a home. I responded with a 13 page letter that was VERY direct. I ended it by saying that I was hurt and agry but still loved them. I told them I would NEVER ask for help agian. I never dreamed that my close family would fall apart when we need to pull together the most. However, my partner and I know at the end of the day that we are doing what our hearts knows is right. I have come to realize that them pulling away is about their fear and has nothing to do with me. I do not know if I will ever speak to my brother again and that makes me SAD. But I cannot be responsible for what others do. Know that you are doing what you need to do for your mom. Hugs

same here Im taking care of MIL ... My hubby is youngest... His brother single dad with 3 kids under age 12 helps sit with her and one sister who is POA with my husband deals with money and visits maybe every 2 weeks ..... oldest sister been here 1x since last year.... SELFISH!!!!!! They dont have time for her anymore she use to help the oldest sister
most When we took her car 4 years ago sister didnt want us to because mil couldnt come help her babysit and all the other crap and she is using we accused her of stealing no we busted her spending her moms money for last 2 years after she paid mothers bills.

It could be a depraved heart, or they are mentally or physically unstable.

There should be laws about this matter. Esp. when the only intent is to want them to pass faster to collect money. They could be charged with second degree murder, that's what Depraved Indifference is.

Tigger-glad it only took you months to figure this out! It took me 8 years. I just didn't want to give up on them. I thought for sure they would come around. I tried all the guilt trips and begging etc. Now I know, if they aren't going to do it, they aren't going to do it!!!! I am much happier now, having no expectations-I am not disappointed. People are who they are and we need to accept that and not try to figure it out, be unhappy about it, or try to change them. It can be disappointing and make us angry or sad-the sooner we accept it and just do what we have to do-by getting outside help the better off we will be.

envisionnow...you could have been describing me and my siblings. I know exactly how you feel, not being able to describe the thoughts and change that have come over you due to your siblings' behavior. Shock, hurt and disbelief about my sister's actions especially...yes! You nailed it. I too have forgiven them, I think, but I haven't and will not forget. Thanks for sharing. You've made me feel better about my thoughts and feelings.

I had a similar situation while caring for our Mom. I think the hardest part was the shock, hurt, and disbelief that my sister would respond the way she did. I thought I knew my brothers and sisters so well, but all the stress and grief brought out many unexpected responses from them. I don't know what to make of it all yet, and maybe I never will. But I do know, I loved and took the best care of our Mom that I could, and that I would not change. I have forgiven them for behavior that I thought was unacceptable, but it has changed me in a way, that is difficult to describe. I just feel like, I can never know what to expect of anyone. And I worry about what will happen when my Dad gets close to the end of his life. My Dad is living with us and I just don't expect any help from them, but I still need their love and emotional support. So after saying that, I guess I would suggest to love and forgive as much as you can.

I have a similar situation with my partner. For several months let the anger and frustration rule me. I allowed others to have power over so one day I decided that they have to look themselves in the mirror not me. I started to do positives things for us and if they help they help. I just don't depend on them. I find other supportive sources.

I have two siblings, neither participates or supports me in any way with the care of BOTH my parents. After we moved my parents to be closer to me so I could help them, the two siblings pulled a "BeWtiched" and vanished! One will take my calls (bid deal...); he is secular. The other is causing all types of trouble trying to get to the pennies my parents have left. She is Christian. So go figure!!!

Try to have a good day, everyone!

xo
-SS