Siblings not respecting my POA. Is it OK to stop sharing information and just tell my brother to back off?

You are POA. You have a fiduciary duty to your FATHER and in fact should not be sharing things with others. You have no obligation to do so. My advice is that you stop doing so.

If you do not understand what the rules are in being a fiduciary as a POA you should attend an attorney to be informed. It is a LEGAL obligation you cannot afford to get wrong. Keep meticulous records of every single penny in and every single penny out to start with. Your document allows that you are able to pay for expert advice. Please get it.

I told my brothers nothing. I was POA and my document said I could buy and sell. If your siblings want anything out of the house, then they need to come and get it now. They should never have left it there. I did the same thing you did, everyone had a box and what I found of their stuff got put in the box. I would tell them that your not a storage company and if there are certain pieces of furniture they want or items, tell u. But, you will only keep them for a certain length of time.

Just do what u need to do.

I am sorry that your siblings don’t understand this situation. I think you explained things well to them and you reassured them that you aren’t throwing any of their items away. What else do they expect from you?

Jealousy can ruin relationships. No doubt, they aren’t in your corner, offering their support. I realize that it would be nice to have their support. I’m sure their behavior is causing additional stress for you.

You know what needs to be done in order to secure care for your dad. You do not need their permission or approval.

Respect goes both ways. You have shown them respect. They have not returned it. I’m so sorry.

Just continue to care of what is needed.

Inform them when they can come to pick up their belongings or if they need to have them shipped out to them.

From my experience from moving my BIL out of his apartment to a NH and then dealing with family I would have liked to have a lawyer there or mediator with me. Family can be mean believe me I went thru it with them. I was accused of everything under the sun with them. I wasn't POA of my BIL I was his representative payee for social security. His family wanted me to put everything that he had in storage so they could come at their time to get items they wanted from his apartment. When I gave them a deadline to pick things up it was HELL. They took everything including cleaning supplies and they did it out of spite. If we didn't put things in our vehicle to keep we wouldn't have had anything to try to clean that place up. All I took was a table and 4 chairs the rest of the family took everything and the rest went to the Goodwill. Haven't seen that side of the family since then.

Keep doing what you want to do with what your father wants and if you have too put things in storage that belongs to them the rest sell for him to be in his place he is now.

Prayers

This sounds more of a issue then POA - Sounds like no one gets along . Lawyers and mediators don’t do much - stuff is stuff - why don’t you just ship everything to them and call it a day . I would think people would be more interested in visiting him then dividing up stuff .

First of all I am speaking as a Capacity Assessor (Canada). I am not sure about the USA (which is where I believe you are), but the POA does everything in the manner that the person they are representing would want. Is your dad still capable? What does he want? More money from the house, means cleaning and fixing. You don't say how many sibs you have, but if they ALL ganged up on you, is there something else they are concerned about? Do they think you are attempting to get $ for yourself. Doesn't matter that it isn't true. Have them come, yes sit with a mediator (could be a lawyer) if you have to. But for now, listen to their complaints, don't necessarily respond, and when you do, state the obvious, "I have a legal obligation as POA to dad, and I am carrying out his wishes. Check and make sure that dad is not telling your sibs something different (even behind your back) which can cause resentment. Try to keep peace in the family. If your brother is the oldest, he might resent that you are POA, but if you live there and no one else does, then it makes sense for you to do the job. Always, listen to them, and try to hear their side, don't share info unless you need to, let them connect with you and not the other way around. If they do not treat you with respect, yell or swear, just say, "this conversation is now over until you can talk to me without yelling or swearing, please call when you are calm". Also, if there is another sibling that can help you intervene, try going through them as well. In the end, it is about your dad, and doing what's best for him. Good luck.

My mother asked me to be her POA and manage her affairs which I did. My oldest brother, who is well known and well respected in the community, told the nursing home that he was POA and even signed some legal documents for my mom. I did not challenge him which was a HUGE mistake. Make sure you have documentation, then duplicate it and send it to your family. If they take the time to read it, all questions are answered and you don't have to deal with them anymore. If they don't read it, you have done what you could to inform them. Mom wanted the family to have her things so I set up a date for everyone to come to take what they wanted. I saw relatives I hadn't seen for years! They brought trailers and cleaned out the house. That was that and I didn't have to do anything further with them. You shouldn't store or pay to ship anything. If they want it, they will come. Set a deadline and stick to it.

I have had 5 POA's in recent years, I did what had to be done for the issuer as it was my fiduciary duty. I was also the PR after death.

Yes, there were some battles that I had to face, but I kept my cool, not letting anyone sabotage what I knew had to be done.

Keep your resolve do what is best for your father, it is just greed coming out, that is usually what happens, it is not about what is best for the LO.

Yes, move forward, you have no legal responsibility to tell your brother anything.

Good Luck!

Love that they want to come get their stuff after all the work is done. We know they never will.

Well, it’s almost July, but they should have come and gotten their childhood crap out of the house when they started their adult lives, or when care placement became the plan. And they should have offered to pay for storage and moving their stuff as well if it interferred with staging the house. You’re nice to box it all up.
They are unlikely to understand, but that’s why you were selected to be POA. Don’t worry about them, you’re doing what you need to do. A tidy, cleaned up home will sell better and get more viewings than one that looks like work needs to be done by the new owners. And frankly, it’s not their call to make.

Funny how the people not doing any of the heavy lifting have the loudest voice.
An opinion is like an a******...everybody has one! You're not going to get the most money out of the house if it's not cleaned up, in good working condition and uncluttered. It's not like you're remodeling the kitchen. If there is a big ticket item that needs repair or replaced, your realtor can advise you if it makes sense to sell the house "as is" or fix it.

Don't bother with a mediator...just tell your siblings to help or bug off.

As I understand POA, you have the right to do what you think is best (within the boundaries of your dad’s POA document) and your siblings have the right to contest your capability in a court of law. But so far, the POAs I’ve known had the attitude of I want/decided/know best instead of the family wants/we agree.

I see 3 options:
1) The siblings don’t respect your decision making while you’re doing the mental and physical heavy lifting so they do little but criticize.
2) You’re being a bit of a jerk because you know best. “I am POA… It is between me and my father” but you don’t mention dad is involved (ergo it’s you making unilateral decisions).
3) both 1 and 2Do you offer them opportunities to be involved or have input in closing down a major part their dad’s life and identity (stuff = identity)?

Did they get to voice an opinion about dad’s care or did you just override them with I know what’s best? Are they all talk but unwilling to do the work to make a house market ready? Do they want general input or to micromanage? are you informing or discussing?

First...To sell a house filled with "stuff" is difficult and you will not get the best price you can for the property.
So I agree with you in getting things boxed up and out into storage or other location so it can be picked through later.
You might even want to get a few market appraisals the way the house is now and then ask the realtors what the difference would be if the house is cleared out and "some repairs made" I would not put a lot of money into renovations though.
Second...You do not mention if your dad is not competent or not to make decisions. So I am wondering if your POA is in effect. (depends on how it is worded and what your dad wants)
If the POA is in effect you could have the attorney write a "tactful" letter to all the siblings giving them the rundown on the legal authority that you do have.

If they had some of their personal items there which isn’t uncommon, the honest morally and legally right thing is to not touched their things, poa doesn’t give you power in general it gives you legal power to make certain decisions for your father if in his best interest. Since you asked I assume you want to know what others real take on it is,… it’s so disappointing hearing these kind of poa stories where it goes to a persons head and they become power hungry acting out of ways that exceed the scope of their position. In regular old terms a decent person would have understood why it’s wrong to touch, move/ box up another persons items without their consent. Since they weren’t there and stated they didn’t give consent for you to move or go through their things you’ve now opened the possibility for them to find something missing and report it as theft. Alternatively they had the option to call the police and explain they have personal items there so you would have been required to wait ( outside the home) until they got there to ensure none of their items are taken sold or thrown away.

I've heard from realtors that, other than minor repairs and painting, having renovations done isn't worth it before putting the house on the market. Staging the house helps enormously. I would tell your siblings to come get their things by a set date, and why are you having to box up their belongings?? Maybe try holding a family meeting first like we did with siblings only, no spouses or children. We made the decisions collectively as a group by first taking individual turns on her most valuable things. Literally. The rest was handled by an estate company we hired. My brother who was the POA, received a predetermined amount more than the rest of us, for his work being the POA. My mother & himself agreed on a predetermined amount prior to her death that we were all aware of, and had no issues with that. Everything worked out so well. But there are only 3 of us, which probably makes things a lot easier.

As POA, you have a legal obligation to annually present a financial accounting of all assets, income and expenses to the beneficiaries of the estate. Since you are unclear about your duties and responsibilities, I highly recommend you sit down with an attorney who is knowledgeable about POAs and go through the document. Not being clear on POA duties and responsibilities could easily place you in legal jeopardy. The POA document protects your father, not you. Families are all too willing to make accusations (true or false) that could have a redounding effect on your life. It is in your best interest to understand and know.

See an attorney, based on your brother's intensity/anger. I do not personally know if it is 'okay to stop sharing information and just tell him to back off' - find out your rights ... I do not know specifically 'if' a POA means you can go through a home and deal with contents when they belong to others. It seems that you do know, however I also agree - hire a mediator or someone to (legally) guide you.

Perhaps some of this depends on how the Will is written up - who gets what ... who has decision-making to determine how to empty the house / contents.

When we need our family's unity the most, sometimes these situations occur, which is extremely unfortunate.

I am sad that you are going through this. Gena / Touch Matters

Do not answer the phone until you are done with your task. I believe it ends the day your father passes and I believe you can resign your position, but an attorney will give you legal advice..

https://www.consumerfinance.gov/ask-cfpb/what-is-a-power-of-attorney-poa-en-1149/

An Elder Law Attorney can sort through it all, so YOU can decide what YOU want to do. You might want to consider instructing your siblings to get their own attorneys to communicate with your attorney.

I put all of my mother's belongings in storage and gave both brothers a time period to come and take whatever they wanted, then I gave the remaining items to my youngest brother to sell and get some money for a deposit on a small home. There was nothing left to say and all suspicions (if there were any) were assuaged.

You may want to confer with an Elder law Attorney who can best navigate you through what the POA does and does not do, allow, require etc etc.

It may be helpful for all to also respect that each person involved,your father, you, other siblings etc are all grieving and this brings with it anger, trust issues, denial issues and a host of other emotional dynamics that impact communication. Also past history of relationships affect the present now...

Get some support for yourself, via Elder Law input and grief/ emotional support via chaplain, faith leader, other community or faith based support systems for primary caregivers ( like you). Suggest that other family members do likewise.

You are a shining example of why nobody should ever accept POA job! More trouble than it’s worth. I am the elder sibling, but happily suggested my younger sibling do the executrix thing, and when the time comes, she will be POA, too. I want as little hassle as possible. The ONE good thing about a parent having nothing much to fight over is…no fight. If there were a big inheritance dangling temptingly out there, I might be more willing to stay all up in it, but…nah.

You don't need to share anything with them in regard to clearing out a house. I went through the exact same thing and was told legally that the only details I needed to share were how assets that were outlined in the will were being dealt with. For example, where they would be stored if they couldn't be dealt with before the house was sold.

I am POA for my mother and at first shared everything with my brother. It was time consuming and didn't improve our relationship or any caregiving for my mother, so I stopped. One of the hardest tasks was clearing out her apartment when she went into care as there was so many belongings. My brother wanted to go through everything, including multiple boxes of photos. We didn't have the luxury of time so I ended up just boxing everything and giving him a timeline to go through it. Anything that couldn't be reviewed during that time, was trashed or donated.

My solution was to give him a timeline of activity and what would happen at each stage. I only included details he needed, such as dates the movers and cleaners would be there, move-out and date everything would be trashed/donated (unless asset/item outlined in the will). I didn't chase him or give him any other details. I didn't ask him for approval of expenses but did give him the overall spend. I now just send a quarterly expense report.

Don't argue with the ignorant! Box the stuff, label it with their name and stack it up. When house is ready to list, give them a date to pick up their boxes. If they can't make it on that date, arrange to put all the boxes in a single storage unit to collect later. Tell them you're paying for the first 3 months out of proceeds from the house and one/all of them can pay for any months after that if they need to keep it longer. If they fail to pay, eventually the unit contents would be scrapped/sold by storage company. Give everyone name and address of storage company. No further discussion on that and no more info sharing would be necessary. Puts responsibility on those siblings. Period.

Do any of them want to buy dad's house as is? If yes, you MUST sell at current overall appraisal value based on condition - hire a real estate person to do it so you have a record. I tell you this because if dad outlives the money from sale of home and other savings he has and ends up in NH needing Medicaid to help with cost of his bed, selling below value creates a penalty where Medicaid/state will not pay XX number of months for the NH. Giving any of the money away from sale of house or from his other assets will create the same problem.

It's not their business about repairs you make in order to get house ready to sell. Net, after repairs and cost to sell, should go into a bank account for dad's AL and future medical needs. If dad passes away and there's still cash or other assets leftover -that's when the list of heirs and/or a Will come in to play. Dad spends his money on himself first and others get the leftovers later on.

Don't get them riled with updates or give them reason to come up with argument with you. Just let them know when it's time to come get their stuff. And, for your brother, tell him he can consult and pay for an atty to get educated about POA if he brings it up again.

Sorry that you are having problems with your siblings. Changes in a family can bring out the worst in people and not their helpful or supportive sides. Stop the blow-by-blow updates. It seems to only create friction since they have problems dealing with changes about Dad and your POA. Sell the house. Take the stuff to a safe location - probably a storage facility for a month or 2. Let them go through "their stuff" there and take it to their homes. Let them know that the stored items will only be there until ______ (insert date) so you are not stuck storing their things long term. Find your support people in other places, like caregiver support groups and online groups (like this).

Mds1954: Retain an elder law attorney.

I read your reply. It’s miserable when family wants to get involved as long as it doesn’t involve heavy lifting. I hope being POA doesn’t wreck a relationship you care about. Sending a hug.

Until Dad dies, nothing in his house is "their" stuff. It belongs to Dad and should be sold for his upkeep.

I'd sell everything you can, then set a deadline for them to come pick up what they'd like from what remains.

And no, if they're going to behave the way they are so far, I wouldn't keep them updated on anything. You are Dad's financial representative, and you wouldn't discuss his finances with others any other time, would you?

I was POA for my mother and kept my brother updated on the general things in her life, but he also wasn't a jackass about it. He did ask for an advance on his inheritance and I shut that down immediately, because Mom's money was for her upkeep, not to pay for his divorce. He took it well and figured out his financial issues on his own. The same goes for your brother.

A lot of these answers are good advice. When my mom died, my older sister took care of selling the house, etc. There were 8 of us and she did a great job. There was no quarreling over anything. We all appreciated all her work and effort and things went very smoothly. I'm sorry you have to deal with this on top of all your other duties. I do like the idea of putting siblings stuff in storage and letting them deal with it when they can. You don't need this problem on top of everything else you are dealing with.