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I don't know if this is a statement or a question.
I am sick, sick, SICK of Caring for my 71 year old mother. I've reached out for help, I've begged community organizations and tried to get her Medicaid.. nothing because she has a vehicle and life insurance (none of which I will receive when she dies) it all goes to my sister! So diagnosis -Mom had metastatic lung cancer that went to her brain, a following craniotomy, arterial disease x6, COPD, vasogenic edema from a stroke in June 2022 and currently, stasis ulcers on the foot and pressure sore on her heel from laying all the time (by choice, she is incredibly lazy) even her physical therapist gave up- he said can't and won't are 2 different issues. Now, she has hospice- 2x per week for 15 minutes and a very sweet Aide who comes 3x a week for 15-20 minutes for bath time. That's it... IT I dress ulcers, clean up accidents she's hidden, pick up trash off her floor etc. I tried for respite and finally got it last weekend, I was SO excited!! Then my mother decided to make my respite time a living hell, calling me at 3am and 4am whining about how miserable she was. I stopped answering so she started calling anyone who would listen to tell them she had been abandoned! It was literally the 1st respite I have had in 7 years! She proceeded to tell me a pack of lies about not getting her medications- when I said "no I'm not coming to pick you up"! She called me nasty names then hung up on me. She was angry that nurses were controlling her meds and wouldn't give her what she demanded (she wanted 2 Ativan and 2 tramadol) her Rx is only for 1 of each every 6 hours. Anyway, I went to pick her up this morning after the hell she's raised for 3 days and, of course, she falls coming up the stairs into the house! She weighs about 70 pounds more than my 106 pound frame, so getting her up was not going to be easy. I tried, she almost pulled me on top of her so I told her just to crawl into the dang house. And she did- the fall itself almost looked staged, she went down easy, crumbling onto her knees howling like a wounded animal the whole- slow- way. I should probably tell you that Friday she told everyone she had a *seizue* claiming she cried and cried for help; but alas, in the middle of her terrible fit, she had to put oxygen on herself and take her own medicine! (Personally, I don't believe her) I think it was a last ditch effort to guilt me into keeping her home and not taking time for my child.
I find my mother, as I have my entire life, to be a selfish, self serving large child who was always pampered and now, she thinks *somehow* that it is the job of the child she didn't want (me) to make her better and to be her emotional dumpling ground. I'm sick to death of her! I contacted the hospice social worker and plainly stated, she doesn't need to be in my house, she needs a facility PERMANENTLY! I received no additional response from the hospice social worker.
I have family; however, they are very undependable a 42 year old sister who is as self centered as my mom and an aunt (mom's sister) who is in worse shape than she is, yet, when I have to do anything for myself, I'm expected to call these people and tell them what is going on. (Which ALWAYS spawns an unsolicited opinion with a side of guilt) I call to tell them because I don't want my mother making me sound like an evil person (she plays the pity card well, and often).
Again, I don't know if I'm just in burnout mode and I'm ranting or if there is a question in here somewhere. I DO know if I hear the words "you need to take a break" one more time, I'm going to puke! It is impossible- like she thinks I'm not entitled to an ounce of privacy, family time with my OWN husband and daughter or what. I am just ready to see the glorious light at the end of the tunnel, but right now, I feel alone, Isolated and VERY unheard!

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Sweetheart, you are certainly not alone. I have a similar dynamic with my Mom and although completely different health conditions, the manipulative, selfish, childish behavior is a match. Truly, you are correct that no one listens in the social worker world. They just can’t help you. If you don’t have the money to pay for nursing care either privately or in a facility you can’t get help. I’ve tried for multiple family members over my lifetime of caregiving and was finally told in a rude and condescending tone by a social worker that “there are only funds and assistance for childcare and parents with children.”
You can not count on a facility to prevent parents or other family you care for from calling you even when on respite. There is never an easy way to say this but you will need to make peace with what you can and can not do for your own mental health. It is the job of parents to prepare for their own healthcare and to set aside the funds for their children not the other way around. If you can not take it anymore the next thing that happens will cause you to snap and that’s never a good scenario. You need to schedule a meeting with your family and tell them you are not available to care for her and you vote for her to lose her assets to the state and enter that care system. If they don’t want that then they need to take over her care. That’s my best advice. It’s, sadly, like a bandaid- if you rip it off quick it’s going to hurt less. This kind of stuff only rents space in our heads because we allow it too. You deserve to take back control. No one who really understands would ever pass judgement.
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Can you get Mom into a hospice facility ?
ER dump if you can find a reason . Then get into hospice from there .
DO NOT pick her up and hurt yourself when she falls, call 911 . That is Mom’s ticket to the ER . Then do not take her out or home . Tell them you can’t take care of her anymore . Get her placed.
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As momkennedy1 said !!!!!BEST ADVICE!!!!! "ER dump, do it. If she is on hospice they will find a place for her. If they try to release her, tell them there is nobody to take care of her. Her conditions are terminal. Once she is in a facility under hospice you can just be her daughter and hopefully find peace."
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" The only stipulation for the sale was that the deed came to us after my mothers passing, in other words "lifetime rights" she is allowed to be here until she dies. I pay tax, utilities, upkeep (as my grandmother did until her passing for 53 years) yes, she PAID for my mother and father to live in this house for 53 years."

If your mother's "lifetime rights" mean she has a "lifetime estate," this is what LegalZoom says about lifetime estates: "The life tenant must maintain the property, make any existing mortgage payments, pay property taxes, and keep the property adequately insured. "

My MIL has a lifetime estate in one of her two properties, which is owned by her 5 children with right of survivorship (don't even get me started about the problems with right of survivorship). My MIL pays all the taxes and I assume insurance. She pays for maintenance if she absolutely has to, but tries to get her children who live in the area to do as much of it as she can get them to do. She has whined about having to pay property taxes on two places, and doesn't "know what she will do." The obvious answer is to SELL the other property. But supposedly she's left that to her D who never married.

She came into an unexpected inheritance some years back, and she managed to spend a lot of that on travel. (She traveled to the Arctic AND Anarctica on expeditions, and other places as well.)
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ER dump, do it. If she is on hospice they will find a place for her. If they try to release her, tell them there is nobody to take care of her. Her conditions are terminal. Once she is in a facility under hospice you can just be her daughter and hopefully find peace.
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You say “we bought the house, allowed the stipulation of mama having lifetime rights”. It’s time to get legal and to double check that ‘stipulation’. It probably means a right to live there. It may possibly mean having the overhead bills paid. It is highly unlikely to include slavery, that is living in the 'servants quarters', waiting on her and doing whatever she says. Slavery is illegal and unenforceable - anyone can quit their job. It’s also ridiculous – there are many situations that simply cannot be dealt with at home and require intensive care in a hospital.

If you live there, move out. If you don’t live there, block her number on your phone. Block the numbers of the people who will phone you to complain – they can always write you a letter if they really think they need to, and letters are usually shorter and more polite. Give your mother a list of the ways she can get hands-on help from an agency, and send copies of the list to the other family members if they write to you.

Set her up with some food, then call APS after a week or two. Stopping this won’t take long, if you think about your own rights.
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I’m so sorry that you are in this nightmare. I don’t know what the solution is, other than next time she goes into the hospital do not allow her to return to your home.
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Themaid Apr 2023
Right now, that is the GOAL!! I am going to do everything I possibly can to get her out of here. I feel like I am in some sort of prison digging with a plastic spoon at concrete to get out!
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In your profile you state that mom is living with you.
You need her out of the house. For your sanity and safety.
Talk to the Social Worker at Hospice, the Nurse as well. Tell them that you can no longer care for your mother. It is unsafe for you to continue to do so. Ask them to help find placement for her. Many facilities that "don't have a bed" will find one for a hospice patient because they know it will not be a resident they will have for years. (typically that is the case)
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Themaid Apr 2023
Understood! You know, she actually caught me off guard today. Between all the get me this and pick up that. She tore off the bandages on her arterial stasis ulcer (from smoking, and sitting all the time)
Anyway, I proceeded to tell her it's important the bandages remain intact due to her risk of infection!
I proceeded to RE apply the bandage and she says to me "you would be one shitty nurse"
I stopped what I was doing and called the hospice people. I told them they needed to come wrap this thing ASAP. She interrupted me- well I wasn't trying to piss you off!
Why else would someone say something like that? A person that's treated like a servant. I'm truly doing my level best! I can't win with her!
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Yikes! Some of these answers are very harsh and cold! I took care of my dad for 11 years and he was no picnic and my fiance for 6 years with Alz. Sometimes I got frustrated also, but still wish I could talk to them. You said cancer went to her brain? She might not be fully aware of all her actions or able to control them. By all means, you should not be solely taking care of her needs. Have a family meeting and put your foot down. I didn't get any help with my dad either and it's sad that people can be so indifferent and then take it all in the end. Try to sit down and talk to her. Tell her that you love her and want her to make some effort to live well. Even though you aren't happy, you will not regret the help you gave.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2023
@Bina

The OP describes her mother as being selfish and pampered her whole life. She goes on to say that her mother never wanted her and uses her as an emotional dumping ground.
When someone has an abusive history with a parent or LO and they then become their caregiver, there is often a whole lot of regret to go around.
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If you are living in her house/apartment, leave. If she is living with you, move her out. You feel unheard because you are, no one wants to help you or your mother, so you are taking on everything yourself. You are making that choice.

You have no obligation to care for her nor do you have to update relatives who are not involved for her care. Again , that is something you are choosing to do. You don't need to answer their calls or proactively reach out to them.

I know it is hard to change habits, but you need to realize that you are allowing all of this to happen. Your mother, sister, etc. will not change so if you want the situation to change, you need to do it. If you feel you can't do that, you need to accept it or you will continue to suffer mentally, physically and emotionally.
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What is the living situation? If you are together you need to separate. The second thing is, stop making excuses as to why you can't do something. Nothing will ever get done. I know it is hard and I know you will hit a lot of road blocks but you must climb over them and find a way. Nothing will change until you change it.
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Beatty Apr 2023
"Nothing will change until you change it".

This.
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Do you live in her house? I ask this because the advice depends on whether or not you do.
If you are living in her house (even if you work and pay rent) you are basically a slave. She owns you and her word is law because you have no cards to play if you live there. Especially if you are dependent on her for anything. If such is the case, you can do one of two things.
Leave immediately and do not return to her home. Do whatever you have to do to make it out and stay out. You say that you have a daughter and a husband. Where are they? Do they live in the house with your mother?
If you don't live with her you have more options. Like telling your mother that you are walking away from being her caregiver and leave the mess at your sister's door. She is your mother's heir so ake her earn her inheritance.
You do not have to take harassing calls from your mother making demands on you. Do you know how to block a phone number? Or how to let calls go to voicemail?
With all respect to you and please don't take offense at my words. You sound like a bit of a martyr. Believe me when I say and I'm saying it for your own good, martyrs ruin their lives and the lives of everyone they love. Don't do that to yourself. You don't deserve that and neither does your husband and daughter. Every day that you remain a slave to your mother's abusive neediness your husband and daughter take one step further away from you. Put them first not your mother.
Your sister and extended family who want the minute to minute updates on your mother can step up and start taking care of her.
It's time for you to step back. Your mother has lung and brain cancer along with several other devastating diseases. She is not playing the "pity card" with a medical rap sheet like that. It seems more like you are the one playing it.
It's time for you to step back and let other people take over the caregiving for your mother.
You and your family deserve better than this. So does your mother in her final days.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2023
What a great way to put it, “Earn your inheritance.”

I don’t feel like the sister who does nothing should get ‘mom’s’ inheritance.

She can’t physically get her into the car though, to drop her off. She’s only 106 lbs. her mom weighs 70 lbs more than she does.

Great idea but I don’t know how she would get her mom over to her sister’s house.
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No, you shouldn't be helping her at all, because your sister gets the life insurance proceeds AND you have health issues. Why ARE you? Did mama condition you to think doing the "right thing" would be to be her 24/7/365 caregiving slave?

Why is your sister the sole beneficiary of the life insurance? is she the Golden Child? To your sister, the "right thing" is to do nothing at all.

Who's to say that your idea of the "right thing" to do is better than hers?

Save yourself. Listen to your H.
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Themaid Apr 2023
I should also tell you, my mother only has about 20k in life insurance and I have every odea my sister is going to bury her in the cheapest thing she can find. (Hair extensions, liposuction, tummy tucks and botox will take precedence over mom's coffin) they have certainly been the priority since she learned what they were. Yes, she is very vain- as is my mother. She was given the 2 lots behind my home as well, which I suspect she will sell! Sell! Sell! as soon as mom kicks the bucket. I often wonder how on earth I born to these people, or in this family? I am SO different than them- granted, I was away from them from 1997 to 2014 except very brief visits.
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i would move heaven and earth to get her into a facility. Contact an eldercare lawyer to see what can be done to get her approved for Medicaid.

From the health issues you listed she is not well and probably will die soon so there may be an end in sight. You might not be suffering through this much longer.

I wish you peace.

PS: Turn your phone off at night.
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Themaid Apr 2023
Thank you my Friend <3
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Didn't bother reading through all the answers. My mom did the fake fall crap, too! Here's the deal-- she's a narcissist and you are the "whipping post" child! Most likely, the other sibling(s) are what are called "the golden child" who can do no wrong! Read up on it! There's also Facebook groups for daughters of narcissistic parents! Next time she pulls the fake fall crap, or "has a seizure ", call for an ambulance and pack her clothes up, drop her crap off at the hospital, and tell the hospitalthat they need to find her a facility because she was just staying at your place and NOT living there! Also tell them that she's addicted to her meds! Make sure ALL her stuff is out of your house and change the locks! If the golden children pitch a b*tch to DHS or the hospital and say you were taking care of her, say that it was a temporary thing! Also, if a home's only got so many bedrooms and they're all taken, where are you supposed to put her where your children are not able to hear her language and abuse? Just sayin'.... 🙂 I've been there! You DO NOT have to take her back! If you are able, contact a lawyer! They FINALLY put my mom in a facility after she ate a fly.....
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Themaid Apr 2023
Jesus Christ!! You poor thing! I feel like crying most days to be honest. I am at the end of my rope! Golden child- without a doubt! I e never seen such a stark difference in the way kids are treated but, again, I wasn't wanted. I've been told that my whole life. It hurt them and it doesn't feel great now. I'm wondering, hospice says I have to call them before she goes to any ER? I am in NC, is that true? A thing? Something about insurance won't cover it. Have you ever heard that?
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I would find a new Hospice company asap. The callous treatment from the social worker is inexcusable.

you need to hire caretakers at her expense if she has any assets, if she doesn't then get her on medicaid asap.

Her health will continue to decline and with it, your sanity.
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Themaid Apr 2023
I agree, I'm not really happy with this for profit hospice, I'd prefer a smaller organization that is more involved and less numbers oriented (just my opinion) mom of course loves them! They just aren't very helpful to me- other than a bath and a bandage change on stasis ulcers she has had since December - it's now April. I know they are uncomfortable but certainly not to the extent to which one would be bed ridden and incapable of walking to a trash can 10-20 steps away...right?
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Are you trying to get Medicaid for in home help or get her placed in Long-term care.

"In home" she needs to meet certain criteria. She stays in her home and can have a car and she keeps her monthly income.

Medicaid for Long-term, again a car and a home are exempt assets. Most States the maximum assets u can have is 2k. There is also a monthly income cap. Her SS and any pension will need to go towards her care. So, any car and house she has, someone else will need to pay the upkeep or they are sold. Then that money needs to go to her care. Medicaid stops, money is spent down, and then u apply for Medicaid again.

If the insurance policy has a cash in value then it gets cashed in and that is used for Moms care. If no cash in value, it should not effect Mom being able to get Medicaid.

You really need to talk to a medicaid caseworker.

And Mom calling you, you should have gone Do Not disturb. You do not have to answer her calls. You were on respite.
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Themaid Apr 2023
After the 3 and 4 am call, yes I did do not disturb but the messages kept coming. Nurses wouldn't take it from her. I managed to get Fri to Monday morning though! That was so incredibly wonderful. No bandages, no screaming at me for sodas, no go get me, no trash in the floor or smell of stale cigarettes wafting through my house from her slithering through the living room after puffing one!
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She's only 71?

Gonna be blunt, sorry. You need to grow a spine and refuse to take her back next time she's in the hospital. Change the locks and call the police if she makes her way back to your place and report an intruder.

This is absolute insanity. The Japanese practice of Ubasute would also be appropriate in this situation, and you conveniently live in a state with mountains!
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Themaid Apr 2023
My god I wish it were that easy! And spine, yes I do need one. I have to tell you, it's hard, I've been stepped on my entire existence by my family in some form. I thought I was doing the right thing by buying the house and letting her live here with lifetime rights till passing. I know know I'm an idiot!
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I'm sorry you are in such a horrible predicament.

Please, do not ever try to pick your mom up again. You call 911 and have them transport her to the hospital and then you do not allow her to come back home.

Since she's on hospice, is she actively dying? She has cancer, it's not being treated, right? Is it spreading? Is she on morphine at all? Sorry if these are ignorant questions but my experience with cancer and hospice are both very limited.

Good luck getting through this.
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Themaid Apr 2023
Ihave morphine but she refuses to take that, she thinks it may shorten her *so very important* existence. I know that's mean, I'm pooped! It just seems like she is determined to take me down with her. Truthfully, I wish to drop her in the crappiest nursing home I can find and never look back. She told the aide this afternoon- "she wasn't happy to see me" laughing about calling me at 4am like it was cute. I was actually running a 5k for autism that morning at 8am. You see, my 17 year old daughter is autistic and I had this planned for months. My sister said she was coming to stay, then at the last minute, backed out. So I had no other choice but respite because if I leave her and she falls then I'm the bad guy! I just can't win!
So mama had brain cancer and now she has radiation necrosis and vasogenic edema. That's why hospice.
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I’m so sorry for your obvious burnout and exhaustion in this. No one ever deserves this treatment or to feel unheard. Please tell whoever is in charge at the hospice agency that your health is now at stake, that’s certainly no lie, and that mom must be moved from your home this week. If they do not respond call 911 and have her transported to the hospital the next time she wails over her needs not being met. Explain nothing to her or your relatives now or ever again, you already know this is a discussion you cannot win, the family scapegoat never wins, just does all the thankless work. Tell your husband you need him to back you up and support you in this change. I’m sorry it’s gotten this bad, please change it, for the good of both you and your mother. She doesn’t need a burned out, resentful caregiver (again, not your fault) and you need to regain your emotional health and have peace and calm in your life. I wish you courage and strength to make big changes
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Themaid Apr 2023
Thank you my friend.
I really went into this to do the right things. I wanted to help because no one would and she had literally nothing, she was about to lose the house etc. My husband wants her out ASAP! We just don't know where to start.
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Medicaid doesn’t take all life insurance policy’s. I’m not 100% sure but I think if it doesn’t have a cash out value, they won’t take it.

They will take all assets though, homes, cars, money over $2000.00.

I would let them take whatever they want if that means she gets out of my house.

Next time she goes to the hospital tell them she can’t come home. There is no one to take care of her and to call her POA to discuss what’s next.

Realize this is easier said than done. It looks me years to get out of an entangled codependent caregiving relationship with a family member. Slowly but surely you can and will if YOU want too…..

Best of luck!
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Themaid Apr 2023
Thank you my friend. All she has (truly) is a car. My sister takes the life insurance and I get nothing (but most likely a burial bill) 🙄
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Is anyone her POA? If it's your sister, tell her moms not your responsibility now& she can come get her. How did mom end up living with you?
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Themaid Apr 2023
Mama was well, my dad just passed and she couldn't pay her bills. My grandmother was allowing her to live in our family home paying her bills. My grandmother could no longer pay them and offerred to sell us the house (for cheap) so long as mama ALWAYS had a place to live. At the time, it made perfect sense. We bought the house, allowed the stipulation of mama having lifetime rights and here we are! We pay everything and when I say everything I mean everything. Mama pays a car payment on a vehicle she can't drive and refuses to sell.
Inow have POA so I can make decisions for medical care only.
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Stop doing this! She has conditioned you to think that you must take care of her. But you don’t have to.

When she fell the last time, you could have called 911 and had them take her to the ER. Next time she falls, do it. Don’t let her browbeat you into tucking her in bed and being so nicey nice. Just get her out of the house.

Then at the ER tell them it’s an unsafe discharge and you can no longer take care of her. They’ll have to find her a place, and that’s that.
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So stop taking care of her. You dont owe her anything.

Obviously she doesn't give a crap about you since only your sister is the beneficiary of her life insurance.

Walk away from all caregiving for mom and anyone else in your family.

And if you wont walk away then stop trying to lift and move her before you permanately screw your back up.

And pkease stop
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Themaid Apr 2023
I have actually had 4 back surgeries myself
I really shouldn't be helping at all. I know I'm not helping my case. I actually asked her hospice nurse today how much longer I had to endure this?
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