I lived with my parent for 15 years and since about a year ago he has dementia and is very frail (he uses a walker). I moved out three months ago and since then EVERY TIME I SPEAK TO HER she complains incessantly about how much worse everything has been since I moved. Not true, when I was there I just dealt with it. I do not want to get into an argument but I cannot possibly listen to that selfishness any longer. Help..
But for us the question is what now? You say you can't listen to her selfishness, and ask for advice about how to handle it. And our response is, handle it by concentrating not on what has gone before but on what she's facing now.
If your sister is a classic Narcissist, then I would put a modest bet on her changing the situation all by herself very rapidly. If there is one thing you can rely on a narc to do, it is not to put herself out on someone else's behalf for long. She'll either recruit "servants" (as she'll see them, even if they're called something else) or your father will go into a facility, and she, like a cat, will take herself off somewhere more comfortable.
But selfishness? Complaining about how difficult it is to cope with your father on her own? It IS difficult. You know that better than she does!
No clue...apparently no ones ever heard of narcissism.
I'm sorry, I know it's mean to find it comical, but as scuppered plans go oh brother! has she ever been blown to bits. Nothing but flotsam!
There is absolutely nothing wrong with your having married and left to lead your life with your husband. Belated congratulations, and I wish you both every future happiness.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch. C'mon. I mean to say. Think you'd still just be "getting on with it" as your father's health and mental health enter this decline? No you wouldn't. Be fair. Stop looking on this as payback because the situation is just no longer the same. Encourage your sister to review your father's care options and find what additional resources she needs.
Yes, we all know caregiving is hard. I recently stepped out of my role for my mother, and handed it over to 3 sibs who have done absolutely nothing for her. I'm waiting to hear how much "fun" they are having.
I'm sure it's an adjustment for both of them to not have you there.
Your answer to her could be; "I'm sorry, I can't talk about that right now." She will start again. Repeat the sentence. Keep repeating until she gets the idea. If she keeps going, tell her you have to hang up.
Don't get sucked into talking about it. It takes 2 to have a conversation.
Cut off her whining BEFORE she gets going. You can control this by not accepting to discuss it.