My mother is 85, im 40 and the only son she has ( im adopted). Since she has dimentia, the only thing she remember clearly is im the bad guy whos taking all her money, and her own finance. I live in her house at the moment. Helping managing the bills, food etc ( keep the household in order) however few days ago she cut my POA from the bank. I felt so hurt and useless now since i cant take of her and her needs. I cant talk to her because we end up fighting about the same thing. Money. A lot of her family members advise her to just let go enjoy live and let me manage everything for her. Yes she can live very comfortable..but she said NO! Im healthy and i can do everything myself. From somebody who doesnt know her bank, her pin number, dont know how much prices has gone up. Ive been taking care of her for the past 10 years..and now i feel so helpless at home, doing nothing..she doesnt even wanna talk to me since in her mind im the no 1 enemy. Im thinking of leaving her for good and never turn back. I had enough. Should i do it? She will have nobody and in my country there isnt any "medical assistant "to take care from the government like in the west. She wanna manage everything herself, thinks she still capable but shes not. Any advise is welcome. Thank you
Has she been officially diagnosed with dementia?
Since she has other family members where you and your mother live, perhaps it is best that you move out, and let her try and manage on her own. If in fact she fails, she may be more open to you helping her. Otherwise other family members can step up to help care for her.
At 40 years old you should be out on your own anyway living and enjoying your own life. Your mother has had her life, now you have to start living and enjoying yours.
If your mother was able to go to the bank by herself to "cut your POA" there, I can't help but think that perhaps she isn't as bad off as you perceive she is.
Sometimes children have to let their parents fall and fall hard before they will allow any help from them, so I'm all for stepping away(moving out)and waiting to see where the chips may fall.
You will be her Son. But also really the Manager (behind the curtain, arranging everything).
Just an idea.
Finding the right fit carer can be hard - some elders will resist, not let in the home, send them away etc. Also hiring someone needs to affordable to your situation.
If you do leave, then leave a report to APS and send a letter to her PCP of the situation for her medical record. Make sure you put her DOB in her communication
Step In to Take Over : Go legal guardainship route.
Step Back : Stop helping so much.
Step Out : Stop helping. Report to Doctor, Social Worker, APS.
I manage my money, pay bills, shop, cook, keep house etc.
Your view: ?
"Helping managing the bills, food etc (keep the household in order)"
Mom sees what SHE does. She does not see what YOU do, to keep everything in order. This can happen. This lack of understanding & insight.
I don't need help! (But they do)
Have a look for Anosognosia in the care topics. I'll try to add a link.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/anosognosia-dementia-patients-cant-recognize-impairment-210090.htm
When people think of dementia they think of people that forget how to do everyday tasks, the early stages of vascular is different. More of a inability to reason. Like my mother couldn't understand and pushed my father to drive, when he had no business being behind a wheel, but everyday tasks where completely normal.
There is no reasoning with them. Curious is your mom has high blood pressure, or cholesterol, that is know to be a huge contributing factor. My mom 88 had had high blood pressure, and on meds sence about age 50.
Another thing I see with mom is her anxiety is just out of control, she will do things she knows she shouldn't, but her anxiety is so high she just can't help herself. Like if someone is coming and she wants the house to look perfect, she will insist on moving something she shouldn't be lifting.
One other thing that suprised me, when I learned about vascular dementia, was the term shadowing. Look that up when you get a chance.
Learning more about this will hopefully help you alot.
Best of luck to you. We always here to lend an ear and give out are best advice we can
So in your country can you be forcedvto care for Mom? What happens to the elderly that don't have family?
As you say you are in another country I cannot imagine what the rules and regulations are.
I can only tell you that for myself, after having done POA and Trustee for my brother, who was cooperative, organized and easy-going, I cannot imagine being able to deal with it when someone believes I am the "enemy".
There is only so much any human being can do to protect another when that other person doesn't want protection. I am afraid for myself I would be moving on after notifying all other family members and all authorities and medical groups involved that I cannot function for this person anymore.
My mother tries to pull the threat of 'cutting me out' and removing me as her POA.
As if POA is some great honor or prestigious award. I tell her go right ahead because that's fine with me because I've got enough on my plate. I remind her that she lives rent-free in a property that I own and that at any moment I can sell the place and her choices will be a Medicaid nursing home or a cardboard condo by the park because my sibling will not take her in.
She gets a resentful because she thinks I (not my sibling) should be taking care of her personally. I should give up my business, my marriage, and everything else to spend my days in service to her. I did that for a few years living with her and it almost destroyed me.
When she acts up, I make myself unavailable for a week or so. I don't take her calls and I don't visit. Her aides and my family know how to reach me.
She taken up a new hobby of villifying me to my sibling who just ends the call immediately. This is how you have to handle people like this.