Mom lives in a sr apartment building. She has COPD and doesn't move around much. 2 weeks ago she fell and has taken to her scooter chair. My sister is the only sibling that lives nearby. She is the primary breadwinner in their household, works full time, home schools, and has kids at home who need her. Mom calls her constantly! She drives the 30 min to moms at least once a day, more often than not twice or she just stays there. To add the dysfuction to this scene mom is a slight hoarder. First it was books and papers, now it is her recycling and cookies and candy that she orders by mail. How can I get Mom to see that she needs to let us bring someone in to help or move somewhere that there is more care.
It is reasonable for your mom to expect her children to help her out now that she is old and sick,....it is NOT reasonable to expect them to do so on her terms with no regard for their needs. Your mom should be grateful she has children who sound willing to help her, and its only fair that she should be willing compromise a little too. Maybe you can make her see that she is taking advantage.of your sister. Make her feel guilty (Poor "sister"! Working her fingers to the bone, taking care of her kids then coming here to take care of you....and you wont even let us get some help for her? How can you do that to "sister" after all she has done for you?) Or you could try flattery...(Oh mom, we miss you so much! Please let us move you closer to us so we can spend more time with you! I cry every night becasue you are so far away) It could take time to convince her. Its not easy to just pick up and move, especially for older people, so be patient, but persistant.
If you cannot reason with her, then your sister needs to set some clear boundaries.. She needs to tell mom that she cannot continue to do what she is doing, or she will burn out. Its too much for one person. If you all stick together and back your sister up, it will carry more weight. Let mom know you love her, you are there for her, but she has to meet you halfway. Your lives matter too. Offer her some reasonable choices, and let her decide which one she prefers,, but one of the choices should not be "remain here and call my daughter every time I need something and she has to drop her life and come".Let mom know thats no longer an option! And dont let her guilt you! It would be different if there were no other choices, but there are. She could move. She could allow you to hire someone to come in and take some of the burden off of your sister. Its possible she doesnt realize she is being unfair. Or maybe she knows and doesnt care. Either way, she cannot always have things her way.
I came to realize that she was enabling Mother, and there was nothing that I could do. Like Dear Abby always said "No one can take advantage of you, without your consent."