Follow
Share

I recently bought the house next door and moved my mother, who has dementia and other ailments in, to take care of her. I have part time caregivers and I do the rest. My mother is a big time chain smoker for 60 years. I have asked one thing of her since moving her in and that is not to smoke in the house. I hate the smell and don’t want to end up with second hand smoke problems for myself. She refuses to do this one thing because it’s cold outside. Every day we end up in a fight about it. I do everything for her. Meals, laundry, care, changing, finances. Literally everything. I feel like I should have the one decency of not having to breathe in cigarette smoke. She cares about cigarettes more than me or literally anything in earth. What would you do?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
So, as an ex-smoker I have a bit of a different approach. 1st off, you can't just cold turkey her off cigarettes. After 60 years, that would be cruel and potentially dangerous.

Have you considered a vaping product? I used ones that looked like real cigarettes to help me quit. I wanted to quit and it took many tries and lots of different approaches to find what worked but, if your mom isn't ready, nothing is going to work and I believe, you will create a monster by forcing her. Especially with dementia, which causes fixation and that is a real consideration. However, it could be a good solution for her nicotine addiction. Which, I can say was the hardest thing I have ever quit in my life, and I drank and did illegal drugs when I was young and cigarettes were by far the hardest thing physically to stop.

Time to look at real solutions to the issue.

Get a couple of good air purification units for the areas she smokes in. Get her smokeless ashtrays, they really do help keep the smoke out of the air. Change the furnace filter monthly. You can even buy sheets that lay on your filter and blow fragrance through the vents. I put essential oils on 9x9 squares of cotton to freshen the entire house. Because it is a layered effort to keep the smell away, you have to try different things.

I found pet odor candles and oil candles to really eliminate the odor, to the point people thought I didn't smoke in my home.

When you enter the house, ask her to put her cigarette out and move them away so she doesn't light up while you are there.

Give her hard candies, this serves a couple of purposes, it gives her something to do with her mouth and using peppermint, cinnamon and lemon candies gets rid of tobacco breath. My cousin used cinnamon sticks so he hand both his hands and mouth busy.

Regular cleaning and odor removal products (i liked fabreze) help keep the home from getting stale. Opening the windows for a few minutes everyday will help too. I would do this midday during cold months.

I would set up a place for her to smoke that has the least amount of flammable items as possible. Think tile. You can put tile on top of coffee tables, you can have a handyman build a tile square to put over the carpet, those kinds of solutions.

I would put up smoke detectors in every room of the house, just in case she starts a fire. You can put up monitored ones that notify you and 911 or just you.

Yes, it is some effort and work to implement solutions but, you sound very determined to do this. Oh, when you hire caregivers, make sure you make it clear it is a smoking household, you will be surprised at how many of them smoke or vape.

Most importantly, please get educated on dementia. Unless you have 1st hand experience, you are in for a rollercoaster ride of frustration, anger, upset and total chaos. Because your mom, as you have always known her is slipping away, you are now the responsible adult in the relationship and need to find ways that accomplish your goals without harming her.

Best of luck. Dementia is awful and just when you have found a solution, bam, she declines and you start over. Being prepared by understanding the disease will save you much heartache. Hugs!
Helpful Answer (16)
Report
Cp31979 Nov 2022
Thank you for your kind answer
(5)
Report
See 2 more replies
I think you are missing the bigger picture here. You say you want to stay healthy for your kids. Caregiving for your demented mother will probably kill you faster than worrying about second hand smoke.

Stress is the number one killer that can lead to strokes, heart attacks, and other physical or mental health issues. Many times the caregiver dies before the demented elder.

Eventually as your mom's needs increase something will have to give. Even with part time caregivers you are still doing the lions share of the work.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

I've been hesitant in repling to this question but I keep coming back to it. I'm 70 and my cogs ( short for cognitive abilities) or the loss of them are making themselves known. Let me tell you my story. I started smoking at 15, 55 years ago. I heard a radio personality I admired say he stopped smoking regular cigarettes and started smoking JUUL. I retired from nursing in 2015 and really noticed a smoker cough. Knowing everything about a smoking a cigarette is bad I had to do something. But its the Nicotine I was craving and it doesn't come in a pill. I needed to make a change, more then just brands, so I gave JUUL a try. On May 2, 2017 I stopped regular cigarettes and pick up my new best friend, my JUUL. Have Not regretted one moment. The releaf is there. Its been 5 years. NO FIRE, no smoke (or 2nd hand smoke), no smell, no ash trays. I call it my nicotine delivery device. I look at it this way, from MY point of view. I like the way I feel when I puff and get my dose of nicotine. I'm 70, and the nicotine in my brain (50+ yrs smoking) has saturated it. Without it I get glittery, nervious, up set and a cry baby comes out. I get very mad. Nothing is worse then a mad, pissed off old lady with the nerve and the mouth of a sailor. Bottom line, she old and smoking A Lit cigarette is in incredible dangerous. Can't change the habit, change the delivery system. I stock up JUUL pods like my panty pads. And now they can start delivering to my door again. Not all people who drink look like the drunk on the corner. Not ALL people who "vape" look like lost souls with tats all over and metal piercings pointing out their facial flaws. I smoke my JUUL because I love what it DOES for ME. She needs to do something NOT CONTROLLED BY YOU. No matter how much you love her, her cigarettes are her best friend. Help her enjoy what she has left and JUUL might just be your answer. Give her a kiss from a fellow smoker, being old and getting older is heartbraking enough.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
ConnieCaretaker Nov 2022
Yes, and my daughter was prescribed nicotine pills............no need for smoking anything.
(0)
Report
See 4 more replies
I am also an ex-smoker and I appreciate IsThisReallyReal's answer with a list of measures to take, based on the reality that you are dealing with an elderly addicted person who is not motivated to quit, who in addition has a lot of limitations and possible sources of sadness to deal with (often not a situation where someone wants to give up something comforting), and who in addition has dementia, which makes anything like an insight or changed attitude pretty unlikely.

I used everything I knew about and could get my hands on, and it worked. So I wonder if your implementing some of these things might help her change habits or reduce her smoking, even in spite of her total lack of interest in doing so.

--Maybe you can supply her with vape products and ask her to vape if she wants to smoke when you *or anybody else* is in the house and she doesn't want to go outside. Note: it is mostly the *smoke* in smoking that is the killer, not so much the nicotine. That's why patches, gum, or vaping really are a lot better, as a total or even partial solution. They deliver enough of the chemicals in a cigarette to quell the craving and prevent side effects of withdrawal for many people.

--Is there any chance at all that you could engage her in trying out a bunch of different vapes and giving her opinions about them? This occurs to me as a way to shift from the situation where you're looking her to make her stop doing something (not smoke in house) and she has to hold her position of refusing. Ideally - not accompanied by any talk from you about how you feel about smoking -- more like, could you try this?

--And: PLEASE find out what kind of mask would protect you most (not 100% probably) from secondhand smoke, and always wear one in her house, *and* please also supply them for her caretakers -- I know they aren't the focus, but I am thinking of how it is for them to have to go to work in a smoker environment. I recall that a main argument for forbidding smoking in bars and restaurants at least where I live was that staff had to be exposed to the real health danger of second-hand smoke. (If they say they don't care, of course that's their call.)

--I will also throw this in though it's probably irrelevant: in my case, the use of Zyban was a big help. Zyban has been shown in studies for that purpose to be helpful to people re: quitting smoking, as it overcomes a lot of withdrawal symptoms. (It is actually a new use and new name of an antidepressant that's been around for awhile, Welbutrin.)

I would get very depressed if I stopped smoking. Zyban stopped this. I know she is totally unmotivated but -- it is a moderate anti-depressant and might be worth discussing with her doctor. IF she could take it without a bad interaction with something else, I'd look to sell it to her as something to cheer her up/help her feel better, something like that.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
Grandma1954 Nov 2022
The second hand smoke is not the only problem.
"Third hand" smoke can be just as deadly.
Drywall sometimes has to be removed, flooring and insulation as it becomes imbedded with many chemicals not just nicotine.
the danger with third hand smoke is not lungs but touching/contacting surfaces is a problem. (the risk is greater for children since they touch everything and everything goes into the mouth. but any contact can pose a problem)
(3)
Report
I’d just buy mom a juul vape pen.

If she’s been smoking for 60 years, this is now one of those “accept what you can’t change” type of situations. Or in other words, harm reduction.

My sister the surgeon says they’re very preferable to inhaling the organic matter in cigarettes. Plus there is no fire risk.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

As others on here have said she’s addicted to nicotine. I smoked a pack a day for over 50 years & tried every FDA approved method to quit even hypnotism twice….nothing worked.

My son took me to a vape store and I found a flavor I liked and that was the only way I was able to finally quit. I hate the smell of smoke and the vapes leave no odor at all & you can adjust the amt of nicotine over time.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
BurntCaregiver Nov 2022
@Jada

I hear that. I smoked since I was a child. I tried every method over the years and I'd be smoke-free for a few months at a time. Then I tried the one way I'd never thought of. I quit and stayed away from them now for two years. I do the AA program. It works for addiction if someone wants it to. Booze, drugs, sex, food, gambling, you name it. I stuggle with wanting it. Some days more than others. One day at a time though. Some days it's one hour at a time. This has been working for me for two years.
It's true about the smell of smoke though. I'm like that now too. I can't stand the smell of cigarette smoke.
(3)
Report
You chose to buy a house next to her, you choose to sit there all day with her, those were your choices. You knew she was addicted to cigarettes.

She is not going to change, is there really a reason that you need to sit with her all day? If not, don't, protect your health, cut down on the time you spend with her explain to her why, set your boundaries and stick to them.

The ball is in your court.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Cp31979 Nov 2022
No I don’t sit with her all day. I go in through out the day and night. And I don’t care if she smokes. I care that she smokes inside. I have a right to protect my health too. I don’t want to end up like her.
(5)
Report
My Mom smoked in my house also, I have to agree with the air purifiers,, they worked great for us , and still do as hubs smokes . Something that worked for a friend who smoked, and her mom who lived with her.. if you have a garage can you set up a smoking area in there? She used outdoor chairs and a small table with an ashtray, and they were both pretty happy with it. Maybe open the door a bit from the the bottom to let some air in and moving. Good luck with this, it's nearly impossible to get them to quit after 60 years,, and I am an RT !
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

She's been chain smoking for 60 years and you thought she would stop? Come on.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
ventingisback Nov 2022
I think OP means:
in the mother’s house, the mother smoked only outdoors. So OP hoped her mother would continue doing that in OP’s house: it was OP’s only wish: please smoke outdoors.

But OP’s mother now smokes indoors and outdoors, in OP’s house.
(3)
Report
See 2 more replies
Sadly, smoking is a strong addiction. People can't help themselves until they make their own decision to quit. But you also have to consider her cargivers' health (including your own). Can you ask her to smoke only in one room (have a designated smoking room), that you can stay out of? Open the windows in the room when she is not there to clear the air, and get an air purifier for that room to absorb some of the smoke, or if you can, have a "negative" ventilation system, that draws air out of the room to the outside. Please don't take this personnaly as disrespecting you. She can't help it. But do try to find a way to have a healthy environment for yourself and her caregivers.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Candyapple Nov 2022
This is such a wonderful responds. It would bd hard for her to stop even using those fake cigarettes are just as bad. Sending her anywhere else will not help just bc she smokes trust me she would be neglected. Great response it’s about love, bending working things out to simplify a bad situation.
(2)
Report
See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter