Solutions, not suggestions.

Is dad a Veteran? If so the VA might be of help. Check with the local Veterans Assistance Commission. They can help get started and they do not charge a fee for the services they provide.
Have you checked with the local Senior Services or Senior Center to talk to someone to see if he or mom would qualify for any help.
Is there an Adult Day program that mom or dad would go to. It would get them out of the house. It would give you a break and would get them some stimulation and participation in activities.
Would either be eligible for Medicaid?
Check your local Area Agency on Aging there may be other programs that they would be eligible for.

Sorry these are "suggestions" not "solutions"
Solutions come when suggestions are taken and put into action.

Contact your local area's Agency on Aging for guidance and also the Dept of Health and Human Resources for his county to speak to a social worker. They can come give an in-home needs assessment for services. Nothing will cover full-time but it is better than nothing.

More details might help. Your caring for mom but only dad is in AL. If there's a money problem can they apply for medicaid? If you can't work how are you currently surviving. I understand you are burned out and overwhelmed with everything. Good luck

You have received answers that I would have given.

Just want to say that I hope you are able to find relief soon.

Your profile says,
"Can't afford assistant living anymore so my dad is coming back home . I take care of my mom and now my dad too . I can't hold a job and have no life because of this . I have no family or friends to help . It is too much for me to handle. I receive no help cause it's a pain in the ass to get any . I am spending everything I saved and still can't get ahead . Who do you trust ? Someone is always trying to rip you off . I shouldn't even post this but I'm running out of options . Only reply if you have a solution , not an suggestion ."

Nobody on an internet forum can offer you 'solutions' to your situation, only suggestions. It's up to you to put suggestions into action and arrive at your own solutions, as Grandma1954 said in her comment to you.

You receive no help cause it's 'such a pain in the azz to get'.........which means what? You hire someone through an agency to come into the home to work for you? You use your parents income to pay for the help, and that gives you a break. I don't know who's been trying to 'rip you off'? But if you hire caregivers through an agency, you may have a better experience than trying to hire them on your own.

You can also use your parent's income to pay for a consultation with an Elder Care attorney to see if they qualify for Medicaid; if so, you can place them together in a Skilled Nursing Facility for long term care since they suffer from dementia. You're right; one person can't take care of two elders with dementia, it's literally impossible w/o a lot of help & support.

As also said, if your dad was a war time vet, he may qualify for Aid & Attendance benefits through the V.A. The Elder Care attorney can help you figure that out, too.

I think your best bet would be to apply for Medicaid on behalf of your parents to get them both into long term care together. See what the requirements and income limits are in your state, and go from there. If dad can't afford AL anymore, what was your plan for him when his funds ran out? You had to have known he only had X amount of dollars to last X amount of time and then he'd be coming back home again....? In any event, you should not be financing their lives; their own funds should be used for their care, and if there isn't enough income coming in from their own resources, Medicaid would be the ideal way to finance their care moving forward.

Best of luck.

"So, this is my dilemma."

Is it?
Your folks need to sort their living arrangents out. Pronto.

You CAN actually leave.. unless you are tired up in a basement? I jest.. but what do you see IS keeping you held as your parents full-time assistant? Start with that. Yes it is a suggestion.

I know you asked for a *solution*. Solutions start by assessing each suggestion & choosing the best fit. Reality is no fairy arrives with a magic wand with a solution.

Grandma1954: "Solutions come when suggestions are taken and put into action."

This.

How long have you been living with Grandma to take care of her? How old is she? Your father? You?

Remember that you need a solution not only for now, but also for what the rest of your life is going to look like, because you need to take care of yourself, too. And that means financially and physically (and mentally, and emotionally!).

And consider this -- what would happen if something happened to you? That is yet another reason why you can't make yourself the solution for your parents.

I'm not sure if this will help you or if you would follow the advice based on your responses here, but I'll try. I once was in a predicament where my father needed full time care and 24 hour supervision. Problem was neither he nor I nor both of our incomes together could afford to hire help, and I absolutely needed to work to pay the bills. What the solution was was getting help from the local hospital social workers. They found a nice facility for dad, and they helped with the Medicaid application. So I would suggest to you to contact a geriatric social worker, tell him/her that you need to work to earn a living and can't take care of your parents, therefore your parents are vulnerable adults and they need help. You can visit your local Agency on Aging, or call elder protection services, or a social worker affiliated with the local hospital. But really, it is up to you. If you don't seek help and take those steps, you can just stay home with mom and dad and do the best you can. Hopefully you will be able to survive on your own down the road. Good Luck.

Every time someone tells her something she doesn't want to hear, she tells them to shut up.

I'm calling troll.

The SOLUTION is to get them both approved for Medi-Cal.

Tall to the Social Worker atvthe AL or the local Medi-Cal office if there is no SW.

Do NOT spend your own money on their care.

Love what Grandma1954 said "Solutions come when suggestions are taken and put into action."

And to her post you reply "Thank you , but they are too old to be driving , and health issues keep them occupied"

I understand, the paperwork is overwhelming last thing I wanted to deal with once I was retired. But to get what you need you have to do the work first. Sorry, there is no one who is going to take your hand and lead you there or do the work for you.

First thing you can to do is get Dad into Longterm care with Medicaid paying the bill if there is no money. When my Moms money was running out, I took her out of the AL when she had about 20k left. That paid for 2 months of LTC which gave me time to apply for Medicaid and get them all info needed. Medicaid started the 3rd month.

Grandma talked about Daycare. She did not mean they drive themselves there. Daycare picks them up, feed them breakfast and lunch and brings them back later. Would give you some "me" time.

Social Services...see if your parents qualify for "in home care" thru Medicaid. (You may be able to be paid to care for them) Or even place Dad or both into LTC. Medicaid pays for Daycare.

Office of Aging can evaluate and may have resourses.

VA...if your Dad, or even Mom, served during Wartime, they may be able to get Aids and Attendance to help pay for their care.

Yes these are all suggestions, the solution comes when you do the footwork. Help is out there, you just to need to look for it and be willing to do what needs to be done to accomplish it.

And I do know what I am talking about. I have gone to every agency above. I have filled out all the forms, gotten everything needed and done the footwork. Mom is gone but she was well cared for in LTC. I have a disabled nephew who is doing well on his own. He has SSD, a Special Needs Trust, housing voucher and coordinators because I found the people he needed and filled out the forms. Yep, it was overwhelming at times but he is now independent. Not relying on me anymore than he needs to.

Its all up to you.

“Solution” and “Happy Ending for Everybody” may or may not be mutually exclusive.

RyMe,

The role of caregiving and organizing life for our aged parents is not a gender-specific thing and none of us come into this with the level of skill required to make the long haul. We all learn as we go and it's among the very hardest things in life, taking care of the many health and financial issues required to make certain that our parents are safe and well.

You'd do well to contact your local or state aging services agencies for help on these very tough issues, it's a lot for one person to navigate, but we do what must be done; professional can help a lot. It is way too much for one person and it sounds like it's time to have your parents placed in a care facility, the type will depend on available finances.

Utilize your POA (assume that you have that in place) to look into what is available for their care and talk to them about an AL or SNF with a shared room or apt, depending on what they can afford. Medicaid takes at least a couple months to kick in and you can explore options for their 24/7 care in the interim. Local aging services will help you, but there's a lot that will fall to you.

There will come a day when your folks are both in care and you'll be able to breathe and reclaim your life. Once they're in-care, finances are straight and you're no longer bearing the entire burden, you can return to being their loving son and not their 24/7 caregiver and life-organizer.

I empathize with how difficult and overwhelming this all feels because it is too much. Everyone on this forum is or has been where you are. The sooner you start the research, the sooner you will regain your own life and not have every aspect of your life consumed by your parents' needs.

Hang in there. You're stronger than you know.

Here is the hard truth. You are actually lucky that they are your parents and not your spouse. Simply put you can put them in a facility and when their assets are gone the state will pay (Medicaid) it may not be the easy decision to make but it will give you your life back.

First of all check with a local social worker or Department of Aging and explain the situation to them. As a family caregiver you may be entitled to benefits, including salary. If your Dad is eligible for Medicaid, get him on it. (same with your Mom). Your parents may be entitled to some free in-home assistance through Medicare/Medicaid. This can range from light housework to cooking meals, helping your Dad bathe and dress, etc. Take any help you can get, it will give you breaks. Just be aware that if "strangers" come to your home you should lock up the valuables and personal financial papers. It may be a good time to set up all of their accounts online and go paperless. Make sure all of their paperwork is in order. Both your father and mother should set up powers of attorney for medical (also called a health care proxy) and financial matters. POA kicks in if they are unable to make sound decisions for themselves. A doctor is usually involved in making this assessment. They also need living wills explaining their advance medical directives at the end of life, and wills, if they have assets. You should probably have all of these things for yourself, as well. You may need an attorney to assist. The social worker might have suggestions for pro bono assistance if needed. There may be a time when their care may be too much for you to handle. Have a plan for when this happens. The basic options are additional in-home caregivers, or moving to an assisted living facility. All the best to you, and don't forget to take care of yourself as well!

Ryme, you responded to JoAnn, ...MediCARE sounds like the solution ... NO, it is MediCAID, two entirely different entities. You will only cause yourself upset if you seek this help from MediCARE, which is health insurance NOT social services.

Call 2-1-1. You can’t go it alone. It’s the United Way & should have local resources. I believe it’s a free service.

RyMe2022: In my humble OPINION, perhaps both your parents will have to file for Medicaid. That was a suggestion as I do not possess the wherewithal for solutions.