My brother got a divorce and moved in with my parents about 6 yrs ago, he is an alcoholic and a chain smoker. My father paid off the house and my mom is on hospice.. multiple myeloma. I am the POA for medical. My brother is mom's full-time care person, he called years ago and said he could not do this. I took early retirement and my husband and I came to help. My dad, in his will, listed me as POA and in charge of bank and bills... he passed away a yr ago. My father paid off the house and planned to leave the house to my brother.. I don't care to have anything, I just want to help my mom. Since I was left responsible for the money left.. my brother has hated me. Asks are we still doing ok in the bank? constantly. Will make comments and looks at me as if I am a thief. I have bank information and all money accounted for towards bills, groceries etc..if the lawyer wanted to look at anything I have a clear mind and heart. My mom who doesn't think my brother can do any wrong and denies his drinking etc.. (he's a bum) gets 150 wkly, no bills to pay as that comes out of mom's acct. Insists on having internet cable and + channels. My husband and I have to be gone at times to take care of his mom in another state or help our sons with this or that. We do not have time for ourselves anymore..I am at my wits end with my brother. . and almost with my mom. I give her the best care. I clean I make sure she has her pills, I do laundry..etc. My brother does the same except he does not clean. My mom swears by my brother and his great care??? (She is a narcissist and my brother golden child) We were gone three days to help our son move things into storage in another state, he is in military.. came back and 10 empty cans of beer on the table, a pot of beans on the stove still in the pan with a spoon in it..a mess on all counters.. My brother Just received his 150.00 plus his stimulus ck 1400.00 said he was out 150.00 because he had to replace his alternator... he said he didn't get his stimulus ck so I told him I would replace the 150 just needed the receipt for the alternator and mom agreed to replace his 150.. 30 minutes later I asked him, you didn't receive your stimulus ck? he calls and his bank affirms that he has 1,100 in the bank????? I don't know what to do in what I am dealing with anymore.. I am an empath, extra sensitive person and find myself getting depressed. My husband is a great supporter of me and what I am doing. He talked to my brother the other day and mentioned to him that once mom passes there will be no more money the money ends.. What is his plan.... he said well I will this or that he does not plan to work.. HELP!! I want to walk away somedays..
I would not respond to your brother, if it was me.
I would provide him a copy of written document(s) making you the sole person to handle these matters. Then, when he asks - and asks and asks, tell him to refer to the document(s) you've provided and walk out.
* Are you able to sell the house if he is the beneficiary?
* Consider the 'why' you are concerned with his stimulus check(s) or anything else? Are you to manage his finances and/or take care of him financially, 'too' ? Once you realize / understand why you are taking him on as another person needing 'help,' you hopefully will stop and let him manage / handle his own affairs. Period.
* You will NOT be able to change your mom's perception of him, nor her mental state / narcissist. Get this to your bones so you will understand how to respond for your own optimal mental health.
* You have to make time for yourself. It isn't going to happen unless you insist on it.
* As hard as it may be, if your brother is 'in charge' of caring for your mom, let him and the chips fall where they may. Perhaps once your mom realizes you are not there catching all the balls in the air and managing what he cannot, she may change. Or she may not. This is a fact / a reality you need to realize to change the quality of your own life.
* If your brother and mother are in a mental place to sit down and listen to you, discuss verbally and in writing, what you will and won't do, the changes you are making, and stick to it. They may be the deer in the headlights reaction and that is okay. For you to stand up for yourself and set clear boundaries will be new to (you and) them.
- Do NOT engage in argumentative nit-picking. Tell them to take some time to process what you've presented - and leave. Otherwise, they both may automatically behave as perhaps they always do - wear you down mentally, knowing how to do that. You cannot allow this anymore.
- ENLIST your husband to support you. You need him. Gena
If you truly want to make a difference in your life and everyone else's, then let a guardian handle the account, hire help to oversee and keep your mom's place in general good living order, and let go.
Visit your mom from time to time and enjoy her while you visit and then let go.
Move out and enjoy life with that incredible patient husband of yours!
I was a twin (fraternal, he male, me female) but we were "stuck together like glue" and I was highly protective of him. I learned I would get overly involved in other people's situations and avoid my own issues. MHO you are way too overinvolved in the minutia of your brother. It's his life to live or ruin as my own twin brother did and finally I had to separate completely from him. There is a balance as other people, animal rescue took place of my own issues - which is not healthy.
My mother, an R.N. adored my brother. I flew from the East Coast to the West to be with her on her last three days in the hospital. My bother was not able to fly for medical reasons at that time, but did so later after she passed when his health improved.
I stayed during the nights at the hospital while my sisters were coming from other states.
She kept asking for my brother. Is x here? Is x coming? It broke my heart that her only son could not be there. He was the favorite child! And I was sad for her that he could not be there and just said how much he loved her and was there in spirit (that sort of thing.) I just talked about him and things he had done (amazing architect and photographer as was she) and nothing regarding the "dire" issues.