My brother got a divorce and moved in with my parents about 6 yrs ago, he is an alcoholic and a chain smoker. My father paid off the house and my mom is on hospice.. multiple myeloma. I am the POA for medical. My brother is mom's full-time care person, he called years ago and said he could not do this. I took early retirement and my husband and I came to help. My dad, in his will, listed me as POA and in charge of bank and bills... he passed away a yr ago. My father paid off the house and planned to leave the house to my brother.. I don't care to have anything, I just want to help my mom. Since I was left responsible for the money left.. my brother has hated me. Asks are we still doing ok in the bank? constantly. Will make comments and looks at me as if I am a thief. I have bank information and all money accounted for towards bills, groceries etc..if the lawyer wanted to look at anything I have a clear mind and heart. My mom who doesn't think my brother can do any wrong and denies his drinking etc.. (he's a bum) gets 150 wkly, no bills to pay as that comes out of mom's acct. Insists on having internet cable and + channels. My husband and I have to be gone at times to take care of his mom in another state or help our sons with this or that. We do not have time for ourselves anymore..I am at my wits end with my brother. . and almost with my mom. I give her the best care. I clean I make sure she has her pills, I do laundry..etc. My brother does the same except he does not clean. My mom swears by my brother and his great care??? (She is a narcissist and my brother golden child) We were gone three days to help our son move things into storage in another state, he is in military.. came back and 10 empty cans of beer on the table, a pot of beans on the stove still in the pan with a spoon in it..a mess on all counters.. My brother Just received his 150.00 plus his stimulus ck 1400.00 said he was out 150.00 because he had to replace his alternator... he said he didn't get his stimulus ck so I told him I would replace the 150 just needed the receipt for the alternator and mom agreed to replace his 150.. 30 minutes later I asked him, you didn't receive your stimulus ck? he calls and his bank affirms that he has 1,100 in the bank????? I don't know what to do in what I am dealing with anymore.. I am an empath, extra sensitive person and find myself getting depressed. My husband is a great supporter of me and what I am doing. He talked to my brother the other day and mentioned to him that once mom passes there will be no more money the money ends.. What is his plan.... he said well I will this or that he does not plan to work.. HELP!! I want to walk away somedays..
I was a twin (fraternal, he male, me female) but we were "stuck together like glue" and I was highly protective of him. I learned I would get overly involved in other people's situations and avoid my own issues. MHO you are way too overinvolved in the minutia of your brother. It's his life to live or ruin as my own twin brother did and finally I had to separate completely from him. There is a balance as other people, animal rescue took place of my own issues - which is not healthy.
My mother, an R.N. adored my brother. I flew from the East Coast to the West to be with her on her last three days in the hospital. My bother was not able to fly for medical reasons at that time, but did so later after she passed when his health improved.
I stayed during the nights at the hospital while my sisters were coming from other states.
She kept asking for my brother. Is x here? Is x coming? It broke my heart that her only son could not be there. He was the favorite child! And I was sad for her that he could not be there and just said how much he loved her and was there in spirit (that sort of thing.) I just talked about him and things he had done (amazing architect and photographer as was she) and nothing regarding the "dire" issues.
If you truly want to make a difference in your life and everyone else's, then let a guardian handle the account, hire help to oversee and keep your mom's place in general good living order, and let go.
Visit your mom from time to time and enjoy her while you visit and then let go.
Move out and enjoy life with that incredible patient husband of yours!
I would not respond to your brother, if it was me.
I would provide him a copy of written document(s) making you the sole person to handle these matters. Then, when he asks - and asks and asks, tell him to refer to the document(s) you've provided and walk out.
* Are you able to sell the house if he is the beneficiary?
* Consider the 'why' you are concerned with his stimulus check(s) or anything else? Are you to manage his finances and/or take care of him financially, 'too' ? Once you realize / understand why you are taking him on as another person needing 'help,' you hopefully will stop and let him manage / handle his own affairs. Period.
* You will NOT be able to change your mom's perception of him, nor her mental state / narcissist. Get this to your bones so you will understand how to respond for your own optimal mental health.
* You have to make time for yourself. It isn't going to happen unless you insist on it.
* As hard as it may be, if your brother is 'in charge' of caring for your mom, let him and the chips fall where they may. Perhaps once your mom realizes you are not there catching all the balls in the air and managing what he cannot, she may change. Or she may not. This is a fact / a reality you need to realize to change the quality of your own life.
* If your brother and mother are in a mental place to sit down and listen to you, discuss verbally and in writing, what you will and won't do, the changes you are making, and stick to it. They may be the deer in the headlights reaction and that is okay. For you to stand up for yourself and set clear boundaries will be new to (you and) them.
- Do NOT engage in argumentative nit-picking. Tell them to take some time to process what you've presented - and leave. Otherwise, they both may automatically behave as perhaps they always do - wear you down mentally, knowing how to do that. You cannot allow this anymore.
- ENLIST your husband to support you. You need him. Gena
Evict him. and sell the house. You must get used to playing hardball-- and do not be empathic or kind-hearted-- that will only enable and make you the victim of co-dependency. Get him out now-- and get her to a place that will help her enjoy her last years--- your brother is an addict-- addicts cannot be trusted-- get real. Be real. Think about your Mom.
My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry that you felt unsupported here and hope you will stay around for the abundant wisdom that is shared. I am not a regular contributor - I sometimes read the digest and have special concern for overlooked and under-appreciated daughters - a phenomenon connected to the more overt violence against women that is a part of our culture. You don't complain about being shut out of the will so I will complain and be angry for you. This kind of dynamic creates bad feelings which can compound all the other frustrations and demands. It is eminently reasonable to EXPECT a grown man to clean up after himself, something people learn to do in PRESCHOOL. He may have mental or physical challenges in addition to his alcoholism - a person can feel compassion for that AND know that managing the late stages for an elder and a household require some serious management skill. And I know that lifelong patterns of entitlement and conflict avoidance with problematic children or siblings makes for a very challenging situation. It could have gone differently (with completely different personalities and decisions!) but this is how it played out. Not your fault and the desire to walk away from such a negative situation is a natural reaction! I hope you can begin to establish reasonable boundaries here, use your POA to hire additional help, keep doing your best for your mom with the help of hospice and minimize interactions with your brother. Pre-pay funeral or burial expenses now from her funds while you have POA and then you make a clean break from this brother who is not your responsibility. Best of luck and virtual hugs!
The fact that he got the recent $1400 stimulus means he reported income from employment in 2019 - that's what they have been using to issue the checks (unless you already filed 2020 taxes). With that said, does that mean that all of you are living together and allowed him to have employment a couple years ago? If everyone living together, his $150 a week is still cheap to have him in the house if you/hubby need to be away for a period of time. You said he makes sure she takes meds and does some laundry - just doesn't clean. Mom probably always cleaned up behind him just as a lot of mothers do for their boomerang children.
As for cleaning up after him - that's aggravating to clean up behind ANY able bodied person in a house. To avoid being irritated, hire a cleaning person to come in 2-3 times a week out of mom's money. She wants her son there because she knows it is helping to keep her at home. She defends him because you complain about his messes. From her perspective, she cannot agree with you because it might mean he'll leave the house and change her situation drastically. If she is clear minded, let her know you are going to hire a person to clean up behind him. Then you walk in to a cleaner home and don't become frustrated upon entry.
When he asks about bank balance - tell him if it get critically low, he'll know because you'll have to tell him his payments are ending. Or just reply, money is doing fine. No back and forth.
Why did you offer to replace the alternator money? Maybe you lean a little toward helping/aiding your brother (just like mom) than you think. If he uses car to take mom place, ok. If not, you shouldn't have offered the money
Further I'm not saying he should have made more than $150/wk the entire time he's lived under his parents' roof. However, since his father died, IF he is taking care of his mother, $150/wk does seem low. If he does next to nothing then it's a gift.
If her brother is taking relatively good care of his mother, she can essentially walk away and care remotely for her mother most of the time - pay her bills, keep in contact with hospice and her brother and mother, stepping in as need be. We know there is drama in families at the best of times not to mention the worst of times. I truly hope she finds a solution that works for her. Unfortunately, there is nothing she can do regarding the relationship of her mother and brother (the golden child) that wouldn't more adversely affect her.
My best wishes to elliemac
Also, there are similarities to my situation. I have been POA of my mother for 10 hears. Things have gotten worse. Mom is frail, losing weight (20 more pounds in a year) and difficult to deal with. I am the only girl and mom seems to expect so much from me. Yet, my brothers are the best and there is always a reason they can’t or won’t do more to help.
In just the past few days, I have made a tremendous decision (because no one else wants to make decisions and be the “bad guy”) that my mom either uses her 35 free aide hours thru insurance or goes into a nursing home. I hate it has come to this, but I can’t deal with the pressure any more. Maybe my older brother will retire and stay home with her. Next week we talk it thru ... hopefully peaceably.
I wish you the best. I can only suggest you take some time to think it through. Ask your self what do you need? And, what does your mother really truly need? I have found if I can focus on a problem (for however long it takes ... hours or days) I come to a pretty good decision and am peace with it. Maybe this will work for you.
Take care. It takes a strong person to deal with these situations. Give yourself some credit.
READING IS FUNDAMENTAL.
In general I try to read ALL posts before commenting, but do make exceptions. This was one exception. The comments are harsh and totally off base. The early posts would not have seen ellimac's MULTIPLE follow ups, which prove them wrong. Even if others and ellimac had not posted more yet, if you READ the original post, it is clear that this is NOT a situation where poor dear brother is overwhelmed and underpaid. He's pretty much a mooch, a lazy drunk who feels entitled and does NOT do his share or even half of it.
Several of you owe ellimac a sincere apology for ASSuming and lambasting her. Hopefully she hasn't sworn off the site, but if she has, you people who've wrongly accused her and belittled her should hang your heads in shame. LEARN from this and before you jump to conclusions and lambaste the next ellimac, READ and READ again before you comment. If it isn't clear, ASK questions first. We don't condone shooting first and asking questions later.
Brother was disowned by the entire family for having spent mom’s life savings at casinos. $100 here, $100 there... to the tune of $84k before I stopped counting: we sold her house for $110k. So, he felt privileged enough somehow to spend as much of that sum on himself as he pleased, all while our elderly mother continued to see him as the golden child he’d always been. I was the one who came to her rescue when he got her EVICTED from assisted living. She lived with me for 5 years... and I never had a break. I suffered a stroke from the stress of it all.
Given the chance to do it all over again, I would do things differently. I’d get help from other sources. You should, too. Do not continue on your current course if you feel it could negatively affect your health...and from what you’ve written, it likely will. You have the right to remove yourself from the position of helping your mother. Especially given the circumstances you’re faced with.
I’d suggest some sort of mediated source of assistance. Look into the ADRC for what they may offer for in home health care, and/or housekeeping.... and remove yourself from the immediate picture. You can manage financial stuff long distance, and continue to keep impeccable records.
But you’ll never change that relationship between your mom and her little boy. Let them live in their own shared misery. The sooner you accept that and get away from it the better.... for your own sanity. Watch from afar as they(hopefully) realize you’re not the problem. But even if they don’t, YOU know it. Take care of yourself first.
I wish you the best outcome.
Sorry. This is meant to say “CNA”.
Bro is a coddled, entitled, lazy, good for nothing bum. "Work" at care giving one month out of four, doing the barest minimum, but getting not only free room and board for SIX years (remember, dad only passed a year ago - he was probably doing even less for the first five years!), plus having his car insurance and repairs paid for AND GETTING $150/week to boot.
Thank you and Damiana for your comments. Hopefully they aren't too late for ellimac. Even if she has sworn off, this should be a WARNING to others, DON'T assume. Read and re-read if you need to. Ask questions. Don't project your own experiences, esp where they don't belong!
Walk away from your brother after that. What happens after that is his concern, not yours.
Retire from caregiving others; care for yourself only.
WHY did your father leave the house to live-in brother?
You mentioned the house issues when you come back from your month spent caregiving you sister and MIL, but what about your mother's health? If your brother won't wipe her, then what is happening while you are gone?
It does sound as if you and your H must live there, also. Yes? Why is your brother paid $150/month while you are there doing everything?
Your last sentence in your post above states "HELP." What kind of help do you actually want? Do you want to get ideas on how to change your brother's attitude?
One of the most important things that is stated over and over on this site is that you can't control the actions (or attitudes) of others. But you can change YOURS! You do not have to accept the current situation. You do know that, yes?
Unless, of course, you are a martyr. We see plenty of them on this site. Often the martyrs have so much invested in their martyr self-image (for whatever reasons), that they just can't make a change. Is this you, do you think?
Do you have a need to be needed? Because what you’re describing is not usual or normal. Most people don’t need to be needed like this and actually need to separate and have a life of their own. I highly suggest some counsel with a therapist. Having a relationship with God is fine, but perhaps God is telling you to stop attending to others so much.
You didn’t say this, but it sound as though you and your husband live with your mom and brother? If that is the case I disagree with those on here saying he should be paid more. YOU should be paid! And maybe you are. Some of the details are sketchy.
See a therapist if you are at your rope's end to learn coping skills and boundary setting skills. There is a great book by Henry Cloud on Boundaries....and it’s even written from a Christian perspective. Get it.
You are in a most difficult position, being the responsible one. Thank God for your husband, who supports your work.
You may never see a reward on this earth for all you have sacrificed. Surely, though, your reward in heaven will be great.
You, who wait upon the Lord, shall be lifted up as on wings of eagles. You will run and not be weary; walk and not faint. ❤️
Good Luck!
Since your mother is on hospice, I presume she is visited by nurses and aids during the week. You can essentially walk away leaving the hospice and your brother to physically take care of your mother. If you worry about leaving your brother in charge have hospice call you if there is neglect by your brother.
I am POA of my mother and handle her finances. I have had no physical contact with her and she hasn't been out of the AL facility except for a couple of medical appointments. I pay her bills and she calls me with her limited grocery order. You can take care of her from a distance.
Good luck.
BTW, a private paid caregiver costs $25-$35 an hour....research a couple of agencies...doesn’t a hospice nurse & aide come a couple days a week? or would you prefer to place mother in a hospice facility? Then you can just visit & talk by phone & FaceTime? You also need a cleaning person for the house. Perhaps a Home Health Aide can do this chore too!
Good luck & hugs 🤗
Anyway, *before* then: did your brother work? Did he have a problem with alcohol?
The siblings and relatives just don't understand what it's like to be a 24 hour 7 day a week caregiver to an elderly person.
Even if the elderly person isn't physically ill and in need of hands-on caregiving. No one truly gets what it's like to be in it for years at a time unless they've done it themselves. There's no way for them to understand the other part that is a terrifying reality for many family caregivers. How they will survive after the elderly parent or relative passes away or goes into a nursing home. Most of the time when an adult child is living in the elderly parent's home on duty 24 hours a day 7 days a week, they have no other support system they can depend on. There usually isn't a spouse or partner with income they can go to after the elder passes away to get back on their feet and into the outside world again. Many times that isn't even possible when they've been out of it for years and years.
Siblings won't do anything. Not when they think that caregiver is living the life of Reilly because they're not going to a job every day and they often resent them for it. They think the caregiver is taking advantage of the elderly parents or relative because they're living rent and bill free.
Believe me when I say, it's a lot easier to get up and go to a job every day then it is to be at home as a caregiver. You don't worry about becoming homeless when your boss dies.
Caregivers siblings need to get woke about what it's all about and learn some understanding and compassion for the brother or sister who makes it possible for them to not have to be in such a situation.