Soon to be first time mom and widowed mom is moving in, but now I'm reconsidering. What to do?

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Soon to be first time mom and widowed mom is moving in, but now I'm reconsidering. What to do?

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Hi there! I am looking for some advice. I am 32 and having my first child in December. My dad passed in 2009 (suicide) and my mom hasn't been the same since, understandably. My divorced older sister and her two kids have been living with her the past 6 years but they are moving into their own house in December. My husband, mother and I had all talked multiple times about my mother moving in with us when we have a baby to help with childcare and so she wouldn't be alone. She has no friends and prior to being pregnant I thought this was a great idea. Now that I am pregnant, my mother is being a bit overbearing- telling me how I should feel (when I'm not 100% in love with being pregnant), redecorating parts of my house, and constantly seeks appreciation even when we've thanked her for small things she's done. She plans to sell her house in the spring and giving us money to buy a larger house to fit the growing family and her but I don't know it that will work out. Even with a sit down conversation, I just don't think she will change and I worry we will all grow to resent each other. But I worry it's too late to rescind the option to move in with us. What do I do now? Anyone else experience this?

Mom Multi-generational Living Relationships

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Oh, boy. It’s a grandma’s job to offer pregnancy and child-rearing advice. We do, after all, have the experience and thereby know it all. I do it to my kids and my mom and MIL did it to me. My MIL used to tell childbirth horror stories to my sisters-in-law and me that made us want to cross our legs so the babies wouldn’t come out. 😁.

While my kids accept my advice with a polite but pained smile, I don’t live with them. I have to say that pregnancy made and makes us all ouchy. If you’re not 100% on board with your condition, that adds to it. If she moves in, Mom could very well become your best friend and ally. Free babysitting, watching the baby during the day so you can nap, etc. If she’s healthy enough you won’t immediately need to care for her as well as the newborn. I had a rancorous relationship with my mother and especially with my second child, never relied on her for advice or help.

Having Mom kick in for the house might not be such a good idea since she already needs constant gratitude for small things. At first blush, it may seem agreeable to you to have financial help, but in the long run, if Mom is giving you thousands of dollars for new digs, constant gratitude on your part may get rather tiresome. What about finding an apartment (even a senior apartment) for mom close-by. That way, mom would be there but not RIGHT THERE. Mom is a grown-up and it’s ok if she lives independently. It’s a little late in life for her, but she may do better than anyone expects. Being a “Suicide Survivor” sucks. I know because I’m one. But it’s ok to try to move on. Maybe a little therapy for her. Loving encouragement from her kids that she’ll be ok.

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Thank you! It does suck. I wish she would go to therapy. But she's set in her ways and won't go.

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Never too late to change plans on a life monumental decision.
Based on what you've said, this is a "no-no" as a new married mom! Seems you gut feeling is correct on all levels. Top most importance is what's best for your family? Adjustment & time is necessary. Your husband & you can always re-evaluate in the far future; yet, I would not voice any commitments. Many resourses your Mom can persue- by her taking charge of her own life, she'll gradually achieve a whole new level of independence . She'll realize and learn re-renewed & new interests and goals.
It'll be a difficult journey to begin but thank-God she has family support to cheer her along the way.
When beginning a new family, your focus & time committtment on marriage, kids & family is enough. Keeping them as most important is the loving thing you can do for everyone - including for your mom & mostly you! When you, as a "Mom," are doing well, then she's able to do well for her family! 😁

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I agree with Ahmijoy. It doesn't sound like your mom needs to live with you and it doesn't sound like having her in your home is going to be a great experience for either of you. You won't need a bigger house for a number of years yet. Getting used to a new baby is going to bring enough strains for you right now.

Let your mom get herself a rental place close by (ideally with other retired folks so she can get some sort of social life going ) and see how that works out before you move her in.

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I have a retired aunt and uncle that "help with childcare" and my cousin relies on them - but - they do not share a home. My uncle gets up at 5:30 each morning and travels 2 miles to his daughter's house so his grandkids can continue sleeping while their parents head out for work. My aunt comes over at 7:00, prepares breakfast, loads the dishwasher, cleans the kitchen and helps her granddaughters get ready for school. After the girls get on the school bus, they lock up their daughter's house and head back to their home. The girls get off the bus in the afternoon at their grandparents where they stay until parent pick up.

In the summer, the grandparents "babysit" some days at their daughter's home and some days at their own home.

I would advise you find a nice house or apartment for your mother and allow her to babysit in the same manner.

When/if the day comes your mother needs to move in with you, I encourage you to find a home where your mother's bedroom is large enough to include a small sitting area (even if this is only a recliner and a small table) and has an attached bath with a little extra space and a shower large enough for a shower stool or bath chair. When someone needs to use a walker or a wheelchair or needs a little help getting out of the shower safely, a little extra space in the bath makes things much easier.

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It's not too late to rescind the option. You could sit down with her and lovingly explain that while you love her and will be there for her, you and hubby really need your own space to raise a family.

Would she be willing to use some of the money from the proceeds of the sale of her home to live in a retirement community instead? There are some really good ones that include meals, housekeeping, and have lots of activities and good socialization. She would still have her own room if she felt like being by herself, but would have other people around as well, and it would help keep her from getting isolated. She might even make some new friends.

I would definitely have the heart to heart talk with her. I can tell you from experience that having my mother here plus a toddler was very nerve-wracking and took a toll on all of us. She recently moved to a senior facility because it was too hard for me to manage all of her needs alone, and the needs of our kids too. It seems like a better living situation for the both of us.

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You’re hesitating on this plan for a reason. Trust your gut and change course. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s a real chance for your mom to relearn independence and enjoy life and for you to establish your family life with a child. And I have 4 children, and didn’t 100% love pregnancy with any of them! You aren’t alone in that sentiment

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Nope. I agree with others who suggest she sell and downsize somewhere close to you. You need your own life and she needs to rebuild hers.

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You've been given some really good advice here. Trust yourself and discuss this with your husband to make sure you are both on the same page. Decide what would work best for you and your family and how best to involve your mother. Then thank her for her generous offer, but encourage her to make a choice of a home, rental, or senior living nearby. Take baby steps with this, because once you move her in, it would be harder to make a change. I know this from experience. Before we had children, we made the mistake of allowing my divorced mother to live with us "briefly" while she was looking for a job (she quit hers to follow us to a new location). It was a horrible experience, mainly for me, and eventually I had to call my aunt (my mother's sister) privately to tell her how demanding, uncooperative, and overbearing my mother was behaving and how she was stalling in finding a job and place of her own. Then my aunt advised my mother to get a job and her own place as soon as possible, which she finally did. It taught me that I never wanted that experience again. Your mother will live a happier life, and so will you, if you live independently and don't have another person telling you what to do, right in your own home. Good luck, and I wish you all the best!

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You are posting and asking the question because you’re gut is telling you the correct answer but you need validation. You can see that so far we support and validate your feelings. What you are needing and wanting to do is set healthy boundaries. You are correct in feeling this situation could get worse. Any therapist would tell you to address it now and not wait until she’s already moved in. As difficult as it might be to step up and do that, you know you must. Your mom is not your responsibility when it comes to making her happy. You are not in charge of that. Only she can do that. And you've already told us she refuses therapy. You can be "responsible TO but not FOR her". This has helped me to remember this when dealing with my dad's moods and disappointments. So if she gets upset about your and hubby's decision, then repeat this mantra. She is a grown adult and will get over it. And actually you will be doing her a favor in her growth towards getting better. I agree moving to a community would be of value to her social life.

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My mom stayed with me for about five days after the birth of my second child. I loved her and we got along well but I was SO ready for her to go home. Maybe have her stay with you a week before you jump in headfirst.

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Many pitfalls in your story....Among them, if you accept money from her to build a bigger house, my hunch is she will mention it VERY often so as to imply (or even claim) that she is not a guest in your home but part of any policy making,,

This will not only affect you, but it also will likely cause your husband to feel resentment towards her as well as you.

How do you tell her? Just say you and hubs conclude it will be best for her to downsize and live near you. Do not deviate from whatever decision you and hubs make..

If eventually she becomes very ill or incompetent, then you can decide how to address that situation, ie., rest home or other arrangement.

Grace + Peace

Bob

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Personally, my vote is a Hell NO! If you are 32 your mom could be anywhere from 50's to 70's. She needs to get her own life. My mother moving in with me helped to destroy my last marriage. She had no boundaries and to be honest I needed more boundaries. It was a constant struggle. She had her own apartment at our house but it made no difference. She kept putting herself into our part of the house and marriage. It is already getting to be a struggle for you, it won't get better. You are not responsible for her happiness. She doesn't need to be alone, she is choosing to be alone. You are probably right on the ball thinking she won't change, because if you move her in with you she doesn't need to change. It will get worse once the honeymoon wears off. Please don't do this.

It isn't too late. Just tell her that on second thought you and husband have reconsidered. She will get mad, that is not your problem. Remember, the old Bible advice/command. That is why a man (or woman) will leave his (her) father and mother and will cleave to his wife (husband) and the two will become one flesh. There is a reason for this command. She will always see you as the "kid" and she is the all knowing "mom".

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Oh, I love you, MaryKathleen, you are right on the money!!! Everyone on here is giving really good advice. But the Oh H*ll no... that takes the cake :)

My only comment is to keep the reconsidered answer to a very simple sentence, no long drawn out reasons or explanations as to why not.
Just a simple, "Oh thanks, Mom, but we've decided it would be best for us to be on our own with our first baby, but we'd love you to come visit now and then." or words to that effect. And maybe say it in a phone conversation so that you can end it when you are ready. "Oh gotta go, Mom, gotta pee... again!" Keep it simple.

I'm not even sure about adding the part about her moving closer. Your mom will figure things out on her own. She is still young. I was 44 when I lost my husband of 23 years, but now, 20 years later, I am happy being on my own (although my 93-yr old mom is living with me, but that is fine), Your mom will find her way and it is so true, you canNOT find happiness FOR her.... she has to want that and find it on her own.

Wishing you a wonderful life and let us know when you deliver!!!

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I have a few suggestions because I like living with myself privately. I think the suggestion of having her live close to you in a apartment is the best. Being independent is a wonderful thing. If that is not possible an in-law apartment attached to the home is also a good idea. Designed so that you each have living spaces that are private. When its just my and hubby I get up out of bed and run to the bathroom and don't worry about Pajama's. It can be a simple as that. That way if you want to watch the news and she wants to watch Dr. Phil and it's at the same time you don't have an issue.
Whenever I have had someone come into my home to stay for an extended period I lay down a list of things I won't compromise on. Dinner times, bathroom times, (we only have one) my morning routine to get ready for work. All those things in my routine that I don't want to change. I have had nieces and kids return and I make if very clear how things run here. I am the head of household so to speak. If you are of the personality or the relationship you have with your mom is not handled in that way and you can't be completely frank with her you probably need to make sure she and you have your own space to breath. As with a previous poster a place where she can meet people in her walk of life that she can commiserate with would be valuable for her health and give you the space you need but also allow her to help as needed.

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I am in the "camp" NO!
If she is already redecorating and becoming overbearing imagine what it will be when she moves in and it becomes HER house and you living with her rather than YOUR house with her living with you.
If she must live with you then the only way I would do it is if there is an In Law suite with LOCKING doors between the two residences.
A better solution would be for her to find an Independent Living / retirement community and move there. She can develop new friendships, be social, go on trips and not be alone. She would no longer have a gas bill, electric bill, homeowners insurance, no mowing the lawn, shoveling the drive and minimal food bills. Her cost of living would probably go down. Many places go from Independent to Assisted if she comes to that and a lot have Memory Care if she needs that later.
She can come and visit, watch the grandchild(ren) then go home.
I gotta tell you I am 64 and I love the grand kids but I do breathe a sigh of thanks when they go home after an overnight. I don't know how old your Mom is but there is a reason you have kids when you are younger! It is exhausting! I am sure she will appreciate being able to go home and relax in a bit of peace and quiet after a day of watching a little one. It sounds great to say I will help out but I bet it has been a long time since she has had to care for a baby then toddler for hours at a time.

If you do decide that she will move in and you can not find one with an In Law arrangement then look for a place that she will have easy access to look for "adaptive" living or ADA places. Also might be listed as "Handicap Access" Wide doorways, open concept, roll in shower, ramps or the ability to build ramps, few if any thresholds (so pretty much continuous flooring throughout), no carpeting and generally no stairs or at least the main living spaces on one floor.
And you may want to consider a place with 2 master suites. So you both have an adjoining bathroom. You will not give up your Master suite for your Mom.
The only reason I am suggesting the accessibility issues now you do not know what will happen in 1 year, 3 years and as she becomes older she may need adaptations.

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There are wonderful posts here. It was a great thought for me as well 10 years ago when my mom needed a place. Now she is 82 and not healthy. We do great most of the time but our lives have to revolve around her for safety reasons.
Please have her get a separate place, separate location for everyone's sake. Close but not to close.
Boundaries now not later.
Your family first. 💕

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Hi there,
First may I just say congrats on the baby!
I was about 34 when my husband and I moved my mom in with us. Our children were 8 and 5. My father passed away and my mom was not in great health. It has been 21 years and my mom is 85.
So, if you 2 have enough respect for each other, it will indeed work. However; you will have your moments. 2 women, related or not, living in the same home, will have problems to work through. Both of your lives are entering a new chapter! It's important that you both understand each other's chapter. Next, it's important to remember your mom has already faced a lot of chapters! The older they get, the more hidden fear they have of chapters running out! Beacause She is watching you, her baby, and comparing...( mom's always feel they have to tell us how it's done! ) it is natural to share her ways. You will have to respect and understand that, among so many other things, or living together will cause a rip in your relationship with her, as well as your husband. For my family, it has been awesome! And now that my kids are grown, my hubby and I just celebrated 36 years, and my mom at 85, we get along great. Beware, moms will always "mother". Its what they do! Now, I am a stay at home daughter! Lol. I am paid to care for here at home.
This situation worked great for us because we entered into it with an understanding. Not everyone can manage that in the midst of so many changes in their own lives. Perhaps finding a home together with a separate suite for your momma would work well? Just a thought. Hope something I said helped.

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It’s not too late to rescind your offer, but it will probably become more difficult as time goes by. Such decisions are navigated with less stress the earlier they are addressed. Do it now while everyone is still “young.” If, however, you can flex your life and can see the two of you communicating and growing in a healthy way, her presence in your home might turn out to be a blessing for everyone involved. Like any relationship, it will take work and everyone needs to be teachable and considerate. Drawing healthy boundaries is key.

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I fall under the "NO" side too. Very good advice here. If she was willing to go to therapy and work things out ahead of time it would be different. Even then, I don't know that it's a good idea. Even people who have a really healthy relationships would find this challenging. Let her move into a retirement community. Better for her and better for you and your husband. My husband and I always thought we would move his mom in when the time came, that she couldn't take care of herself. A couple of weeks ago she stayed about 6 days because her hip was bothering her and she couldn't walk very well and was a fall risk. That was a wake up call for us. She was driving us crazy! And she's a sweet little old lady (94 years old). She has help at home now and will probably go into assisted living instead of coming here with us. Our house isn't big enough. She lives too large. lol.

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Just suppose you take Mom's money and buy a larger house, but having her living with you SUCKS and you want her out! What will you do? What about the money she put into your house? That is a very sticky situation. DO NOT do it. She needs to sell her house and downsize, but not live with you.

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Excellent Answer!!!!

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NO, NO, & AGAIN NO - she sounds like she will interfere in most things - also think about how hard a move will be pregnant - once you are all together it will be harder to split up into separate establishments

She will be raising your baby not you as to keep the peace you & hubby will give way to her often - let her down size on her own because if she is living with then all her world will revolve around your family & that is not healthy

Soften the blow by saying you feel it will be unfair to her & it will be the truth - she might be somewhat hurt but it will be less than when you yell at her to leave when you're fighting sometime - then you could possible end up with a family rift -

Talk to your older sister frankly about why she is moving away from mom & she'll probably clue you in - ask her if she would do it again

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It is not too late to sit down and explain clearly, yet kindly, that it appears she (mom) still seeks a 'primary role' in the home setting. Explain that this will clash with your soon-to-be primary role as a new mom. Explain that her way of doing things is not the same as your way of doing things.

In my case, 13 years ago my husband and I bought a home with a separate 1 bedroom apartment with its own full kitchen and bath. We then asked my Mom to live with us and "chip-in" monthly for the cost of the apartment and utilities. We used 'cost per square ft' to determine the amount. Our living space was twice hers. She paid in 1/3 of the cost of the mortgage (PITI) and utilities. Her groceries and personal items are at her own cost. This can be done as a monthly tax free 'gift' (check with your tax preparer) or as income. This situation worked well for us as our private lives remained private, yet we were there to help each other when needed. Four years ago we retired. We moved to a home in the mountains, again with a separate apartment, and moved my mom with us. She paid for half the moving expense and continues to "chip-in."

This method allows for both of you to have things the way you like it..in your own separate spaces. Your Mom may even prefer to not be involved with mortgages and other bills as it allows her to be free to travel and date while still keeping the apartment. And if she chooses to leave, you have a rental to add income.

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You worded what I was thinking beautifully!

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It's wonderful when famiies can take care of each other without creating a co-dependency relationship. As a widow for 13 years, I have struggled to survive on my own, and my adult children have pitched in and helped me when I asked for their help. But being independent and taking care of myself has been important for my own sake. If your mother has never been alone, always had someone else taking care of her, then she probably would not do well or be happy living independently. However, there are other alternatives. Senior residential communities are wonderful for widows who need the attention and socialization of other like-minded peers who can learn from and help each other. With so many senior living options, there is no reason that any single widow needs to be alone or lonely until that is her choice. It is a huge burden for a young family to assume responsibility for an elderly parent, especially where child-rearing philosophies may not always agree or where unsolicited advice is not appreciated. Your situation may need some outside counseling and clear boundaries so that each family member can feel respected and appreciated.

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Thank you for your eloquent and stellar response. I hope this young woman heeds your wisdom.

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Unless you have done a substantial amount of psychotherapy on yourself and are able to disengage when there is conflict you will have difficulty. Just that you are articulating "worry" at this point indicates what your intuition is trying to tell you. I am a therapist and living with my 87 year old mother who had fallen 6 times while living alone in her house. She has vascular dementia and narcissism and I can tell you it is difficult. I do not argue with her but it is mostly about me catering to her, there is no reciprocal flow between us. It is okay, I moved into her house to keep her safe but I miss my own life, for sure. She went to my brothers for a month and I really enjoyed the time alone but she will be back so I am "bracing for it". I don't think I could have done it had I not done my own therapeutic "work" for many years prior.

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I never had children; only nephews. I’m sure they are easier & more rewarding to take care of than my situation: taking care of elderly 91 yo mother w dementia/ Alzheimer’s who needs help w everything...including transfer w lift machine. Now that’s exhausting! My mother doesn’t assist w anything & can get combative at times. If your mom is able to do ADL , who knows what will be in future? Then you’re caring for child & parent.

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Krista, I have no children and my mother died when I was 15 (I feel quite lucky when reading of all the woes people have to go through with their living parents), but I do know I would find it very difficult to have my aging mother living with me, especially with a new baby coming along. The ideal situation would be for her to stay in her own house and be available for baby-sitting, but I suppose that is not working out. One thing is for sure, people do not change unless they want to. An old leopard never changes his spots, right? Seeing as she is going to give you some money would it be possible to build a 'granny flat' onto the new house? Then you would only see her when you wanted to, or maybe just for dinner. She could have her own entrance, her own kitchen and her own things around her. I am sure you could sell that idea to her. Good luck.

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Krista, from what you've described it appears there will be clashes. Considering that you already have reservations even before it has happened, the situation is likely to be that bad and possibly worse. Considering that you are 32 y/o, I assume your mother is relatively young without dementia or significant medical issues, but she may still be so set in her ways that reasoning with her won't be successful in letting you run your household as you see fit--she'll revert to the "parent" telling her "child" what to do, and it will get annoying rather soon. There are others here who have been completely optimistic about bringing a parent in (and seeking an "endorsement" from this forum) but receiving responses advising them not to do so; in your case you foresee specific issues that could cause clashes. If you decide to go ahead with this, you'll need to MAKE SURE your mother understands where the boundaries are BEFORE she moves in just to have a fighting chance. Sometimes a mother comes in to help her daughter around the birth of a child, but then the mother (i.e., new grandmother) goes home again.

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My vote is a huge NO! Not only is there the money situation - which she would most likely hold over your head - but it sounds like she is already taking over part of your life. No matter what your relationship was before, it will degrade quickly. My mother moved in with my husband and I temporarily for five months and we almost got a divorce over it - plus the drama that my brother was causing.

Privacy on every level will be a precious commodity that you will be giving up as well. She will always “be there”.

You will also be facing taking care of her in your home as she ages along with your child(ren). Not an easy task.

As someone else suggested, let her sell her house and downsize. Then visits will be less stressful on you and your family.

I would let her visit to help with the baby for a week or so (but make sure to set a timeframe). Otherwise, I don’t think her moving in permanently is a good idea.

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Don’t. Do. It.
If you have issues now, just think when baby is here. Everything all other posters have said. You will regret it.

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My dad died in January 2017. I'm an only child, there to always help. My mom is now 82, still driving. At the time of my dad's death, we (my husband and I) had her come to stay with us. They had a beautiful home, where she could have maintained for a few years, at least. She didn't want to go back to it, where dad was no longer there. So she stayed with us for 2 months. The first month was ok, we tried to make it the best and easiest for her. I made darn sure all her insurances, health coverages, etc were in order. All was done. The SECOND month, we would drive around until 6-6:30 every night after work, to stay out as long as possible. She is a great person if there is something to focus on. She was "normal" when I had cancer a bunch of years ago. Never got offended at anything, never needed to be the center of attention. This did not continue after I regained my life. One day she got offended by something, don't even remember what, but I was crushed...crying and asking my aunt What the h*ll happened. So. Long story short...my husband and I were fighting, the kids (2 still at home at that time) scattered, one to the basement, one to another city. And I was so enmeshed in my mom's reactions to ANYTHING, my husband definitely took a back seat. The end of the story? I'm crying one night, she's out with a friend, and I asked if she could just stay at her house for that night. It's been a rift ever since. She blames my husband, he can't stand her, as I totally flipped out that night, crying and basically hysterical. After counseling I realized how I didn't need to feel that way, how detrimental it all was to me, my marriage, and my health. We don't have any kind of close relationship. I've tried to tell her how I've felt about things...like why it took almost a year to even ASK me how I felt about dad's death. A year. Her response was extremely negative, like why would I look back? I guess I'm not supposed to have feelings. Yes, I get angry, upset, but now with a little less "feeling". It's too exhausting. So, maybe your situation is different. I hope, for your sake, it is. I've vowed to try and NEVER be so self-centered with my children. We talk, we laugh, we do things together. Good luck and God bless.

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The truth is not always pretty, but it will set you free.
I understand it’s your mom, and there is a ‘guilt aspect’ working in this situation, but guilt is a very debilitating and unhealthy emotion.
If you feel controlled/manipulated by her (emotionally and financially) into moving forward, now is the time to back out.
My mom sounds much like what you described.
Her health is sound enough to live on her own too after my dad passed away. She moved out of her location/state to live closer to me. I am an only child, so it makes the situation even more exclusive.
It would not work out for me to live with her long term. We get along, but I enjoy my solitude too.
You have to concentrate on your baby and raising him/her in a calm and peaceful (no stress) environment. You deserve to have your own separate life. There should be no set obligation for you to have her live with you. It’s not selfish, it's life.
Its very much about respect and boundaries.

Many people move out of their parents house with good reason,... to become more independent, grow and have their own private life.
I am sure that was the very situation when your mom moved on with her life after leaving her parental family home.
Just move your mom nearby and invite her over to your place as much as you can so she doesn’t feel alienated. See if you can get her more involved with an activity or two to meet people her age.

There is a support group I wanted my mom to go that focused on losing a spouse, but she doesn’t seem interested. You know the old saying,... you can lead a horse to water,....etc,...?
Its true in every case.

Godspeed.

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Soon to be first time mom and widowed mom is moving in, but now I'm reconsidering. What to do?

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