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This may not be the appropriate place to ask this question but if not, maybe someone can point me in the right direction.


My former wife of over 25 years suffered a brain aneurysm and required two surgeries to correct the condition. During the second surgery she suffered a stroke in the area of the brain affecting memory and motor skills. After weeks of therapy she is about 80% functional (physically) but still has some memory loss especially in the recent several years. She is cognizant, can speak and carry on conversations, etc. She is being cared for by her new husband of 2 years. All is generally ok.


The support and answer I am seeking is this. Her spouse caregiver has denied access to all former friends and family, including her children and grandchildren. Phone calls are rare and tightly monitored. The stoke victim herself is moderately wealthy with two properties. There is concern among family members that her new spouse does not have her (or family) best interests in mind. What recourse, if any, does a family (son/daughter) have if their mother is being denied access to them and her wealth and properties may be at risk. Note that there is no evidence of any physical abuse or neglect.

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Call APS or have kids call APS. See if they can recommend something to be done about her spouse.
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This is very difficult.

Put yourself for a moment in the devil's advocate's shoes.

You are the husband of a stroke victim. You fear that her children will take this opportunity to asset-strip her. Becoming increasingly anxious about it, you attempt to control their access to her and ensure that all their interactions with her are monitored.

You see the other side of the coin? And we on the forum have no way of knowing which is the flip side.

Your concern about the husband's isolating the lady might be something you can work on; but there again it depends what you mean exactly by "has denied access." Having been a 24/7 caregiver for a stroke patient, I can testify that it's a busy old schedule he'll have on his hands. Denied, or hasn't got his act together to arrange, access? It's a big difference.
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Well...if you are willing to spend the money...hire an attorney and attempt to have a court appointed guardian. Expensive, and might not get you the result you desire.

he is her husband. He will likely be her inheritor. Maybe he is concerned that it is the rest of her family that this working to cut him out of the picture?

Try just talking to him without her. See if he can come to understand that her children really just want to be able to see their Mom. Maybe offer supervised visits? Try to settle his mind down concerning the motives of her children.
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CM has a good point--

When my DH had a liver transplant and subsequent horrible infection--he was just so very, very sick...for months.

The VERY LAST THING I wanted or needed was people calling, visiting, hassling me. (I called it hassling but I know they cared). I guess you can say I DID deny access to him, for about 4 months.

I was stressed out of my mind. He was sick and half the time so out of it, he didn't know what was going on. I finally had to block calls and put a sign on the front door that basically told people "we appreciate your love and concern, but cannot handle visits at this time."

I heard, years later, that a lot of people were offended by that. Well--he was supremely immunosuppressed an a bad cold could have killed him. Plus we had rotten nights and I often napped during the day b/c I was would be up all night.

You do have the concern of his "circling the wagons" as per money, assets, and that is troubling, to an extent. He is the current spouse, kids don't really have a right to "expect" an inheritance. At this point in time they should simply be supporting this gentleman in his efforts to care for their mom.

You know this man, but if you are unsure about motives, yes, I guess getting "legal" on him may assuage your worries.

IMHO, a man who takes loving care of a sick spouse wins a special award. It's really fairly unusual.
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Lymie61 Apr 2019
I agree 100% with visits and questions from well meaning concerned feinds and extended family being too much to handle for paitent and or caregiver sometimes but her kids? Unless there is a very strained relationship there or hasn't been a relationship and they are behaving as "visitors" expecting to be entertained I think her children are diffrent. In fact hopefuly they might be able to help and aleviate some of that pressure in an open welcoming situation.
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Call APS. Tell them her children are not being allowed access and see what they say.

Hopefully your ex was wise and put her money in trusts. Does new husband have POA? If not, anyone. If its you, then you may be able to override new husband if ex can't handle her finances then u do, not the husband.
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bruceohio Apr 2019
The newer husband of 2 years has been close friend forever but his actions now dictate something more strange. Indeed he is her FT caregiver so credit him for that but denying all visitations and controlling her every move is puzzling. He has also mentioned moving her to another "family" home about 90 minutes away from everyone. Because of her mental condition, she will not be aware or even recall $$$$$ and a home in Florida she inherited 2 years ago so who knows how (or if) he has bad intentions there. APS may be the best bet for the children and family thanks.
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Mediation might be a way to encourage your former wife's new spouse to come to some agreement to allow your wife's family to visit her.  Here is a Mediation Center in Central Ohio.  If they are not near your location, maybe they can give you the name of some organization closer to you and your former wife.
 
Community Mediation services of Central Ohio

Elder Care: We help families develop care-taking disposition arrangements for an aging or otherwise disabled love one.


https://communitymediation.com/mediation/mediation-for-individuals/mediation_for_individuals.html
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In most states premarital assets and inheritances are NOT considered marital property. He is "new" husband of two years? During your marriage did the two of you draw up wills, poas,etc.? If so who was named poa and do you think she changed it? How old are children and are they mature enough to get guardianship of their mother? I'm sorry for the situation they find themselves in but they had best start addressing this now. Something really smells fishy to me because he is isolating her from not just friends but her CHILDREN. I would be finding an elder care lawyer asap who has dealt with guardianship. Who knows what kind of care she is actually receiving from him. Was money tied up in a trust I hope? What a mess. Sorry if I'm jumping to conclusions, things are not adding up. Elder lawyer and aps are the best bets. Technically it could also be a case of financial abuse and/or fraud if he does not have poa and siphons off her money. I would have kids call aps, go to lawyer appointment (if needed for support, you attend meeting too), that way it can not be misconstrued that you are disgruntled ex causing problems for new spouse.
https://statelaws.findlaw.com/ohio-law/ohio-marital-property-laws.html
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Maybe he just thinks she needs some "quiet" time away from all people including family until she is feeling stronger. If you feel she has reached that point and is ready to see family then suggest children either just turn up to see her, and if he won't let them in - assuming they cannot find a time when he is out - then they should seek legal advice. As an ex I doubt you have any rights in the matter but that will depend on any legal arrangements for post divorce that you drew up at the time.
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lablover64 Apr 2019
That's exactly what I was going to suggest. Have the kids just "stop in" to see her and see how the husband handles it. If he refuses to let them in, I'd be willing to bet he's up to no good. When my ex's mother went to live with his sister, the sister cut off all friends and relatives who wanted to visit or call. Then she ended up stealing mom's credit cards and maxing them all out, My ex, who was the executor for his mother when she passed, ended up having to get the local district attorney involved.
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I was "this person - spouse caregiver, in a sense, though it was my mother." I was living out of state caring for her when then she had a stroke. I had people calling me, texting me - one cousin whom I hadn't heard from in 5 decades wanting information! Good grief - I had all I could do to eat a meal - I never really did - just grabbed a bite here and there. So look at the other side of things, then you will understand the hardships of caregiving of a stroke victim.
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Other side of coin. Current spouse has hands full as caregiver to debilitated wife. Entertaining others even for a short time probably is too much. When there are memory problems - like after a stroke - seeing those from the past or those who she didn't see that much can cause great agitation. If you havent' seen her you may not realize how much she is affected. And unless you are willing to do all caregiving - maybe keep in touch by e-mail or letter is best until she recovers. As for access to her wealth - good lesson - get your plans in order in case something happens that your wishes will be followed. Estate planning is essential. A trust is best as successor trustee takes place without court intervention and without getting tied up in litigation from potential opposing parties.
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