since my 92 yo mother has permanently moved in with us a year and a half ago he has gone from an easy going guy who barely raised his voice (and wanted her to move in by the way) to a short tempered yeller who doesnt even spend time indoors on the weekend …he only really spends about 3 hrs a day with her during the week between the time he gets home from work till she goes to bed…but that is more than he can tolerate…he cant stand the way she has her hand over her face when she eats and when she watches tv while peering at him through her fingers. He has said some things which i swear i never thought would come out of his mouth. Having her here hasnt really changed our relationship but it sure has changed him.
Was she happy? Absolutely not. Continually whines about how all her money will be gone and then doesn't want to be on Medicaid. I guess I'm fairly pragmatic; what's the balance here? One person who through her own actions has limited resources yet was offered 8 years of cost free living now at 88 placed in a very nice AL facility; still receives transport to Dr and visits from daughter. OTOH you have TWO people who no longer must stay around house, can travel, can enjoy each others company without snoring on the couch or constant neediness without any thanks.
Every case is different. Relationships are different. This was never a caring loving mother who earned our sacrifice through a lifetime of interest and love for her daughter or that matter her grandchildren. So I don't get that some would assume it is our DUTY to sacrifice our two lives to make her incrementally more happy at great expense to us. We have a fantastic relationship with our two kids, 4 grandchildren, and never expect any of them to put their lives on hold so we could be in their homes rather than AL or NH. I'd expect compassion, assistance, consultation of financial matters and health, but never to become in home servants. But that's just me.
The latest figures are that 40% of caregivers die before the person they care give. I don't want to be one of those, but it takes work - setting boundaries and looking after yourself.
I agree -find a way for your daughter to visit, take some time away with your husband for a heart to heart, and make plans for placing your mum. It is not right for one person to be the only one whose needs are being met at the sacrifice of several others, you your husband, your daughter and your grandchildren. Her wishes should not be allowed to dictate the circumstances for your whole family. Goodluck.
Back when we met, my parents were quite healthy in their 80's, doing their own traveling, really enjoying their own retirement.... then Dad had a heart attack. That was the start of it all, Dad kept falling, so S/O and I decided to put retirement and travel on hold. Then we started to put dining out on hold, then stopped going to the movies... I was always worried we'd be seated and get a call that Dad fell.
Now S/O is resentful. We are both over 65 now and we both continue to work because if we do retire then my parents would expect us to be at their home every day to entertain them. If only my parents would have moved into a retirement community where they could meet new friends, etc. and not depend on us so much.
Those wonderful dreams of traveling overseas are just that now, dreams that will never come true.... both S/O and I now have health issues that won't get better, only worse. And I feel my parents will live to be 100 and out live us... [sigh]. What is so golden about these years????
Some people can't handle living with someone with dementia: the constant questions, the restlessness, the noises, the weirdness, and it keeps getting worse. It sounds like your husband is one of those people, and 18 months in, he's had about all he can take. The question is, what will you do now?
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