Spouse wants to move abroad again, despite father with severe Parkinson's. Should I leave my parents or should I separate?

I experienced the same situation. My mother's health declined and my then husband didn't want me to care for her and gave me a hard time when I would go care for her. I was also raising my 11 yr. old niece. I followed my heart, divorced, moved with my mother and cared for her 3 years until she passed. It was the most gratifying time. I did what I knew was right. I knew that no one would care for her like I would. Other people will not give your father the personal care and attention he needs. He would be at their mercy. Caregiving is hard but rewarding. Your life will change in that your social life will deminish. My brother and I banned together rotating shifts caring for her and we got the help (aides) that I needed plus worked a full time job.

There are a wealth of organizations and support groups for you to get help and information.

I will say it was also a painful time as I had been married for 19yrs. I never regretted the choice I made. And my mother thanked me for being there with her. She was so happy and greatful and so was I. My mother was there for her children I wasn't going to abandon her.

Just my opinion, but it sounds like a one-sided marriage with you doing all the compromising and giving. If your spouse is like this on such an important issue now, do you really think they wouldn't be unaccommodating as other issues arise? I think the fact that you are asking "should I move or should I separate" indicates what you know you need to do - leave a bad marriage. Sounds as if she might do the same to you anyway and you don't want to be blindsided by false hope, do you?

If she's the type that would not allow you to see your children if you separated, that is a very bad sign in many ways. If they are both your children, perhaps a custody arrangement can be made. It happens all the time. I can also say from experience as the child, a parent staying in a bad marriage only damages children and teaches them the wrong messages.

Sorry to be harsh, but please think about YOUR sanity, your health (which will be affected eventually if you stay with someone who doesn't respect your wishes), your children's mental, physical and future health and experiences.

If she is not willing to delay moving until you feel comfortable, then that should tell you right there. Don't you deserve someone who respects your needs and wishes?

I'm writing this as someone who ignored the advice I just gave you and only learned all this in retrospect after all the damage is done. Wishing you all the best.

Everyonids e,

OP has not elaborated further on his situation. We do not know whether OP's intentions are to be with his dad, putting the care on the mom, or worse yet trying to get the kids when they're a bit older to "help" with dad's diapers. We don't know if dad was nasty to the DIL to begin with, but we know that does exacerbate with many elders, dementia or not.

It could be just as true that this husband is actually trying to move his dad in. Which would trigger a very fast split-up with me personally if SO ever tried to do this. If he moved into their house, it would be sayonara, and I've been very clear about that boundary. If there was such an agreement that he not do this, and now he's trying to, then I wouldn't really blame her for wanting to move the fam to Thailand. The Thailand part with the kids is unrealistic, but OP needs to realize that if he broached the marriage agreement by putting Father First, that a split up could happen without her being the bad guy.
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Which is why I suggested to OP that she should be allowed to move for her job anywhere in the lower 48. That would mean moving him. And if the OP did choose to spend his non-custody days at his father's bedside with Southwest tickets, super his decision.

But we don't know. He hasn't come back to tell us.

As others have said: don’t give your wife permission to take your children out of the country. Don’t let them leave even “for a quick vacation” or to “visit family.”

Lose your children’s passports right away.

Hire a lawyer to advise you on how to keep your children.

I was a sailor for twenty years. I’ve seen that situation more times than I can remember. If your kids go out of country you’ll be lucky to ever see them again. At best your ex-wife will rent you access to your children.

Before my mother's current sharp decline in her Parkinson's she told me... if I need to travel abroad to get a promotion or whatever for my own development...that I should go for it, and not stay here just on her account.

Even my Dad told me the same thing. Even up to last week my Dad still encourages me to get a 2nd degree and to not delay my career on his account.

It was one of the most painful conversations we have had.

But it is good advice. It gave me some sort of closure. Realistically as you are making yourself, there may be a time when you may have to travel. None of us want to be overseas when our parents die....but you can't stall your life and not go for your dreams until your parents have died...either.

Please do not let disease in your parents, spoil your marriage.

Your parents know that you love them. And as long as you make sure that you do everything you can for them, before you travel... that's the most you can do.

This is coming from someone who is the last in my family. I know now that my Mom probably will not see me get married, or see grandkids from me. By the time that happens...either she won't understand...or she will be gone.

Good luck.

Your spouse can’t just take your children oversees to live without your consent or a court order. Even if your father didn’t have Parkinson’s, you also get a choice as to where you live. I would tell her that you are not moving oversees while your father is still alive but if she wants to she is free to go but you will fight her in court for custody of the kids.

In some government jobs, taking an assignment overseas leads to increased pay and better retirement. That also can have a good family support system with the family that comes with you.

I would recommend going with your wife. I know this is difficult. You love her and your children. You love your parents. But the key thing is that your parents are in the twilight of their lives and you are in the midst of yours. You can’t stop your time nor they theirs. Your children are only young once. Look to your long term future.

Care can be arranged for your parents. Your obligation is to your wife and children.

This post is missing a lot of background information. For example, why does she want to move abroad? A promotion, new job or just for an adventure? All of which are valid reasons to move but some could be postponed and other couldn't.

You say you want to stay with your wife so personally, I would move. If the move can be postponed you could negotiate and move in 1,2 or more years. In that time you could help care for your parents. However, your parents will need increasing care and at some point they will need professional help. Especially as you have young kids who will need you involved in their lives.

I have lived in different countries and it was the best experience I have ever had. Even while my mother needed care, I traveled and lived abroad as it was a life goal of mine. When my mother started to need even more care, my parents encouraged me to continue to follow my dreams as they could get support elsewhere but I might not have another chance to live the life of my dreams.

This was posted over 6 months ago, and has been dead for some time. Lots of information was provided, lots of comments given. I’m reporting the last post, as the thread should be closed.