My wife and I moved abroad to Thailand for three years back in 2016. At that time I did not want to move abroad because my parents were elderly and my father had Parkinson’s. We moved abroad anyway and I left my job for her job as a trailing spouse. We spent three wonderful years there. Now we are back in United States. She now wants to move abroad again but my father has progressed quite a bit. I have spoken with her and told her that I want to be closer to my parents because I’m worried about their health. She has given me ultimatums a few times saying that we are different people. We have two small children. I want to be there for my father but I don’t want my marriage to get ruined and not be able to see my children. Should I leave my parents, or should I separate to care for my father? I don’t want to ruin my marriage over this but she will not compromise.
I cannot believe how so many people on this column are so quick to write your marriage off. A marriage between a loving husband and wife with children is something to value greatly. And needs to come FIRST. Please figure this out. Listen to a counselor and see what he / she has to say.
If you do find that you love each other, then consider this. When I was a new bride of 19 married to a wonderful man of 26, his sisters thought it would be a good idea for their dad to come live with us and take care of him. (I was a new nurse, and not yet working.) Are you kidding ??!! I for sure married MY HUSBAND, NOT his father or his family, nor mine for that matter. I wanted my husband and to have our own family. We were newlyweds and wanted to be alone. Luckily, this became a non-issue, as I'm pretty sure he didn't want that either but wouldn't really say so. So I was "the bad guy" and said NO. Soon thereafter, my husband received orders to a base in Germany and we moved and began a wonderful life together. And it was wonderful even through the difficult times. But we had each other and our children. And luckily this is the path we chose as our time was limited. My husband died of cancer when he was only 49, after 5 years of difficult times, and 23 years of marriage.
Maybe this is what your wife wants... a life together with you and your children, travel, new experiences, but together. Your parents can't be very old, what their 60's / 70's? And can get help at home or in assisted living. But your wife and children need you!
nice answer :).
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some of us are really in tough situations/dilemmas…
spouse vs. helping parents
my life vs. helping parents
ideally one finds a great solution for it all.
i wouldn’t be surprised if God (for those believe in God), were born as a girl on Earth, she would have a tough time too…how to find the right balance…
how much would she work on her own life and hopes/dreams, how much on caring for her parents…caring for the community/world/etc…
no
magic/omniscience/superpowers allowed, that’s too easy.
born as a girl…becomes a woman…and must make decisions like all of us.
fall in love…
:)
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myownlife, i wanted to say:
i like your name :).
i think i’ll start calling myself that too :).
myownlife
:)
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1 last thing i wanted to say…
we women, who are often exploited/taken advantage of/sacrificed…
live your life to the fullest.
be kind to others AND yourself.
don’t sacrifice yourself.
there is a greek myth…
atlas.
there was a war between the olympians and titans. the titans lost.
atlas (a titan) was condemned to carry the universe on his shoulders.
one day, hercules came along.
he needed to get golden apples (1 of his required 12 labors). by the way…it was supposed to be 10 labors, but he was tricked into doing 12.
(mission creep, anyone?) (like caregiving, the list increasing without you noticing…)
atlas knew how to get the apples. hercules held the universe on his shoulders, while atlas went to get the apples.
when atlas came back, he was quite tempted not to take back the universe on his shoulders.
(the rule was that anyone who willingly takes the universe on their shoulders, must do so forever, or until someone else willingly takes over).
hercules had willingly taken over.
anyway, poor atlas.
hercules said, “ok i’ll continue taking the universe on my shoulders, but can you take it for a bit, while i straighten out the padding on my shoulders, then i’ll take it back.”
atlas took the universe on his shoulders, but then hercules ran off (and with the apples).
——
let’s be kind to others AND ourselves.
:) :)
myownlife :)
One is a doctor married to a doctor, both from Indian families. Both are early 30s and are doing final placements to qualify as specialists, one in Darwin and the other as an eye specialist in Adelaide. I’m not sure about children, I think that grandparents are with the husband in Darwin. They miss each other, but have decided it’s worth the separation to finish what is 10 years of training for each of them. The other couple I know, both Aussies in their 50s, the wife went to teach ESL (English as a Second Language) in China for a year, while the husband stayed here in Adelaide. Neither couple was looking at permanent separation or divorce.
My other question is about servants. My guess is that in Thailand, your wife had domestic support with child care and virtually everything else. Without that possibility, I can’t see that she would want to go with the children and without you. Have you considered her USA work load? If she is a major breadwinner and you are also working, is it a fairly unattractive life for her? Is the likelihood of caring for elderly parents just too much? And does she actually like her parents-in -law? Is there any way you can address that first? If you follow other advice to stop the children leaving and she still goes, how will you cope with the workload yourself?
Good luck, and I hope you can sort it out.
You can ditch your wife but do not ditch being with your children.
or at least prevent her from taking them out of the area.
Normally I'd say your marriage is your priority, but clearly you married the wrong person and it's only a matter of time before this marriage crumbles once and for all. Your marriage certainly isn't her priority.
No one should put their job before their marriage, and that's what your wife has done. Don't let the tables be turned on you as the bad guy here, because she has negated her vows.
I advise you to consult a lawyer without letting her know first. You must get your ducks in a row and know where you stand legally with the children before doing anything else.
I believe that if it were me that my young children would come first in all situations. That I know, but the rest is complicated it appears.
I can only imagine how hard this would be to deal with even knowing what you want to do. Sounds like there is hardship in any choice.
Is it possible that she's scared, resentful, of the scenario of moving mom/dad in or living so close that it's going to be increasingly them, them, them over an indefinite number of years, perhaps most of your childrens' childhood?
Do YOU want for your children the prospect of their mother leaving the country, after which any child support will be basically on the honor system--while you struggle with raising them alone while perhaps accommodating mom and dad as well?
Is the only other choice going to a foreign country where you will not be able to see the parents at all?
Are you willing to live farther away from them as long as you're still in the state? Or the states? That way, you are around for them, not as much as you'd like, but at least some. That way, you and she might have room to work out the other issues without your parents' issues always extant.
Women are hypergamous by nature. So, women in "hypogamous" situations often view their relationship differently. Statistically, marriages where the woman is making all the money have a very high divorce rate (something like 80%), and high infidelity rate where the man cheats on the woman.
All the marriages I've personally known of friends in such a hypogamous marriage have failed.
Just sayin. Sociologically, that's usually how it works. I don't know if any of this applies to the OP though.
You and she will get old some day. What are you teaching your children? And if you suddenly got ill - sounds like she would ditch you to do what she wants..
First thing I would do is find out your rights thru a lawyer without saying anything to anyone. You need to know your legal rights. She certainly doesn't care about your legal rights. Did you marry here or there? Are kids US citizens? A parent cannot just take off with the kids and tell the other parent too bad for you. You want to stay behind, Im going. WRONG WRONG. Why are you tolerating that?
She sounds narcissistic. Seems she can't make up her mind where she wants to live.
I think it is cheaper there.
Perhaps you can put things in place with your parents first. Get poa and end of life decisions in order first. Do you have any family around to help? If things go bad, you will probably have to fly back to see to things.
Maybe you can get them into assisted living now? What do they want?
I know some people get sucked into daily care, but that can be very draining if they have personality disorders, or are difficult people.
I don't know why you don't get a say in your marriage and that her needs trump yours, or she threatens to leave you and says she's taking your kids and you won't get to see them. She has no right to take them or withold them from you. There are laws against that. Why do you not know this?
Marriage takes 2 people. One person doesn't get all their needs met, and the other gets walked on. I can't believe you ate tolerating ultimatum like that.
I'd get a lawyer 1st thing just to know my rights in case you come home and she is gone, and all you did was go check on your parents. She obviously doesn't care to much about her marriage if she is threatening you bc she doesn't get her way.
Why does she get her way, and you get no say? Wow
Being the person who has been taking care of my mother for 20 years and seeing the immense sacrifice my husband has made because of it, I would NEVER pick my mother over my husband and children.
You don’t give any details about your parents’ current state of care, whether you have siblings and other salient details which are very germane to this decision. You need to go talk with a therapist and hash it all out there, but the fact that you’re even thinking of choosing your dying father over your marriage and children is mind boggling. If my husband told me we needed to move, I’d make sure my mother had appropriate placement and I’d pack and go.
My mother is 80 with Parkinson’s and beyond what her children can care for, the best thing you can do for everyone is set them up well before you go.
The truth is your not free to care for your parents, marriage isn’t optional when circumstances change. You’ll need/want that relationship too as you grow older.
Not to mention kids shouldn’t come from a broken home bc their grandparents got old.
They are watching you make life decisions, please go have more wonderful years and delegate senior care to the professionals. If you do it yourself doesn’t make it better if you’re sacrificing your own family.
Good luck on this difficult decision.
Looking back we realize we should have lived our lives, his parents had had theirs, they had travelled, lived and loved, we never had or will have that again. If he is in a place that takes care of him you have done your job as a son. Zoom him and talk, visit him when you can, but live YOUR life.
If the answer is yes, then this is an excruciating decision for you.
Your first priority is your children.
What is best for them?
I think you really need to see a counselor. This is a tough, tough call for you.
If your wife will go with you, that might give you two an opportunity to find a way to save your marriage
I would consider taking a good look at your relationship with your wife before deciding anything. Is it possible you have often put your parents first? It is good to look after our parents but how will you feel after they are gone and you have let your children go in the mean time? How will your children feel about that as they grow up learning they did not come first?
You have not said anything much about your relationship with your wife and why she might feel like this but your first step might be to get to the bottom of why she is unhappy and then make decisions on how to compromise.
Good luck.
Is there any chance your parents would be able to make the move with you?
Would Wife do this to her parents too? If so. Look out for when you get old and need help because I would say she wouldn't be there to help when the time comes.
Don't make the Choice because you don't have a Choice, choosing between you parents or your wife and kids aren't a choice.
Tell wife at this time you feel you have to stay here but will move later after your parents pass.
Also tell wife that you Will Not Allow her to take the Children Abroad.
If she feels the need to divorce you, that's her choice but she'll be going abroad Alone.
Prayers
His children are his first priority NOT his parents.
You obviously don't have children or a spouse or you wouldn't guilt trip a man to forsake his children for his parents.
Yep, troll looking to start crap and lay guilt trips on people. A moral pigmy.
Your wife may be thinking you should all get on with your lives as your parents have had theirs to a degree. And how many more years will you be tied to them for. Many children already live across the other side of the world from their parents.
I agree with her to an extent but also don't understand how a wife can be so selfish and domineering. It needs serious input from You and her for such a huge decision.
My mum has lived with me for 5 years. I gave up my life for her and am very unhappy. She is 95 and could go on for many more years. I would love to move away but can't, and I would love a normal life again before it's too late for me!!
If your wife won't at least have an adult conversation with you about the pros and cons and take your feelings into account then there may be deeper issues that need addressing. Good luck.
What's a problem here is the "ultimatum" and "we are different people" talk. I.e. your spouse is playing hardball in the negotiation. The talk should really be softer and of a problem-solving nature. So, as other people have written, there are other problems besides whether to move to Thailand or not.
People do get frustrated in marriages because they just don't know how to negotiate properly. The best book I've read on negotiating is Getting to Yes by Robert Fisher and William Ury. See if your wife would be willing to read and study the book with you.
Wikipedia has an article about the book: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Getting_to_Yes
Joint custody is seriously a calendar with dates on the week marked out. How's she supposed to do this in Thailand? And if you've been in the househusband/lower income producing spouse role, then she'll have to pay for all that while keeping the kids here.