Spouse wants to move abroad again, despite father with severe Parkinson's. Should I leave my parents or should I separate?

This is tough, but I keep coming back to your original question. “Should I leave my parents or should I separate?”

For my husband and I, we really only have one dealbreaker - cheating. Every other problem we come across, we work through. So, I suppose what I’m asking you is, is your wanting to stay a dealbreaker for your wife? Cannot you not talk about it and say that you will go in 5 years instead, regardless of your parent’s condition?

If the only thing keeping your marriage together is that you do whatever she says, you have bigger problems. For a strong marriage to work, you both have to be honest with your feelings, and you need to COMPROMISE. We kind of approach it like, “Who does it matter more to?” Like, going on a vacation - you want to go to Bahamas, whereas she wants to go to Italy. Do you talk about it and figure out who it matters more to? If you would consider leaving your wife and your kids to stay with your parents, I’m guessing it matters to you A LOT.

Best advice: search for the compromise. You can both be winners here, instead of both being losers (and I mean that in the nicest way).

Never married person here, but for what it's worth, why would a person want to drag others across the world without discussion or compromise with the significant other? Not only that, but what about the kids? Would they gain from this move? I don't know the state of your relationship, but giving up jobs, family, and friends based on the whim of someone else seems a bit abusive.

You wrote that your wife "wants to move abroad again." Does that mean back to Thailand? Or, does she want to live like a nomad, jumping from country to country?

Were your children already born when you moved to Thailand? Were they born in Thailand or since being back in the U.S.?

I moved to be closer to and help care for my in-laws. I know how difficult it can be even when there is enough money to pay for in-home services for aging parents. I think you need to take a good look at your parents' finances to get an idea of what they can and cannot afford were you to move abroad again.

Do you already have DPOA both medical and financial for your parents? In my opinion, it is a bad idea for anyone to take on the responsibility of caregiving without having the authority to do so.

Many elders dealing with aged and end of life problems do not have children to help in there care. I think, if you have a strong marriage and children, that your duty of care is to your family. However, it isn't the choice of one spouse to decide where you live, with the passing of ultimatums being the norm. There are MANY things to consider, including cost of moving, cost of living, education for children, jobs and etc.
I would suggest counseling with a psychologist to help with your decision making. You will have to get your parents used to accessing the community for care help, just as they would if they didn't have children; you would have to spend any vacation time, almost certainly, returning to check on your parents. Lots and lots to consider when any big move is considered, whether out of country or within. Best of luck in your decision making. Try not to fight and to argue but to sit quietly and make lists of all things to consider for BOTH of you and for your CHILDREN and extended family.

I'm pretty sure you would be getting different advice if you were a woman posting the same dilemma, you need to be there for you children, their needs 100% take precedence over those of your parents.

Your description makes your wife come off as a ball busting alpha witch and you as a milquetoast doormat, do you feel that is an accurate representation of your life? If so then maybe some counselling could help you set healthier boundaries in respect to both your wife and your parents.

lealonnie1 is right. Your marriage is already ruined. It seems to me like your wife is putting this impossible ultimatum on you because she doesn't want to be married to you anymore. By doing it this way, it lets her get out of your marriage and also gives her a way to put the blame on you. She'll use "work" as an excuse for going back to Thailand because that's where she wants to be. It's where she wants to be, not where she has to be. Remember that.
Stay in the United States if that's where you want to be. Don't stay here for your parents and don't become their caregiver. Stay for yourself. I don't know you, but it sure seems to me like you're probably the one who made most or all the sacrifices and compromises in your marriage. That's not fair.
Maybe speak to a divorce lawyer. Also remind your wife that the kids are American citizens and you are their father. That should maybe deter her from getting cute on certain things. Good luck to you.

I would suggest before making any decisions maybe you meet with a therapist - together if possible.

To me family and values are priority and so I understand why you would want to be closer to your family as they age and or are sick. Time and memories together is something one can never get back.

But there also has to be boundaries so that everyone matters and everyone gets time - I know this as I’m still trying to figure it out and find a balance for myself in regard to my moms care and my other relationships (that did suffer after moms stroke). There has to be a balance - and without knowing more or both sides (as there is always 2 sides) I would just suggest before making any big decisions to see if your spouse would do therapy with you in hopes to find a better way for all including your children. Best wishes.

Your marriage takes priority, especially since you have minor children. Is it possible your wife wants to move because you are spending too much time/effort/attention with your parents? Will your father ever be able to transition into a care facility once he can't live on his own (and if he's still married, it may become too much for his spouse to handle)? Will he have the funds for it? Would he be willing, or is he "assuming" you into the caregiving role? As his disease progresses, if he is able and willing to move into a care community he may get better daily care and have more social exposure than being a prisoner in his own home and having his son orbit around him for all his needs. Aging-in-place sounds romantic but often is anything but, especially for the adult children caregivers.

That being said, being given "ultimatums" by your wife isn't healthy. Maybe a few meetings with a marriage counselor will help objectively put things in perspective for the both of you. Your anxiety and sadness are real and understandable, but so is your wife's expectation of not being forever tethered to your parents. A counselor can help sort through it so you both can (hopefully) come to a unified decision.

Your marriage is already ruined due to the fact that your wife is unwilling to compromise. Marriage is a team effort that requires working together to achieve an end you BOTH agree upon. What if the tables were turned and you were issuing your wife an ultimatum, forcing her to move away from her elderly parent who had a serious disease? How would she feel about that? She doesn't seem to have empathy to be able to see how important it is for you to be there for your father and also keep your marriage together, at least for the sake of your children.

You already gave up your job once and left the US when you didn't want to, if you do it again, you may live to regret it once the resentment kicks in. Then the marriage is compromised AGAIN, even more than it already is!

It sounds like some marriage counseling is in order, if, of course, your wife is willing to see that it's necessary. If not, you have some very serious thinking to do about your future and what you want it to look like.

I'm sorry you're being forced into a corner like this. My husband and I just had a talk last night about teamwork and how vital it is to make a marriage work. Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate.