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She is 77-year-old, her health is good other than COPD which is well managed with oxygen, etc. There is no dementia. She wants to be waited on--totally. Her main activity is napping and watching soap operas. There surely is depression going on--but she refuses to participate in anthing that will make it better. Actually she refuses to participate in anything and is very resentful if I participate in anything. She claims to be "sick", or says '"I "m dieing". My last visit to my sons was a disaster. (He is out of state--so I go for a week long visit about three times a year.)She tormented my husband who remained home to care for her--and when I spoke with her own the phone she would crie and sweaer she was dieng, etc etc. She is becoming so weak from just sitting in a recliner or laying in the bed that she has developed a stooped appearance when she does walk. This is awfully difficult for us.My husband is in very poor health, and needs alot of care, I am disabled from a birth defect in my spine that has left me with a nerve dystrophy and limited mobility. I just got out of the hospital today from a "cardiac event" that is about 100% stress. Can anyonme please share a thought on what to do with a parent who has decided to quit participating in life? (This is causing some huge problems in my home--not just our health--but our marriage is suffering, our kids are begging to really resent their grandmother, etc. It feels like she wants the nursing home care (someone to see to her every need) without going to a nursing home. Her selfishness is killing me. please help.

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It's time to put your husband first like he should have been in the first place. There is a reason that God said to 'leave your father and mother and cleave to each other' when you get married. Move mom out or set some healthy boundaries and lay down some rules. What would you do with a lazy teenager living at home? You'd make them get up and move out or do something productive. Sorry about your mother, but she's made the choice to make your life miserable in what time she has left on earth. Question is, will there be anything left of your sanity, marriage and children when she finally does die?
Time to take back control, enough of this nonsense. Take your husband away for a few days and put your heads together as to what to do with mom. A few days alone won't kill her right?
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MZ:

As long as you remain her willing slave, there's no incentive for her to get off her keyster and help herself. Make her an offer she can't refuse, and mean it: either pitch in or pitch herself out to assisted living or somewhere else where she can drive someone else nuts. ... Stop being a doormat and start respecting yourself again.

-- ED
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My mother also lives with my family, but I made her understand that the moment she put her needs before my sons and husbands it would be time for her to go. I have 9 brothers and sisters who all have forgotten their mother even exists most of the time, so she knows I am her only option. She goes out of her way to try and be helpful, since she has dementia she can't do much, but she goes to a senior center while I am at work and we have a schedule that i keep her on(important) that makes her feel secure and cared for but also allows me time with my husband and sons(after Mom is in bed). It's not easy but it works. Good luck
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I went through the exact thing for the last 3 plus years. I almost lost my sanity. Long story short, my mom is now in a skilled nursing facility, & even though I am running to see her several times a week, I feel like I have my life back. I took care of my mom for her entire life, & at age 54 it's time for my husband & new grandson. I will pray that you gain the courage to find a nursing home for her because she is robbing you & your family of your lives. You did your best for your mother, now it's time for you.
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MZ~I like the reply from Ed, as he says it as it is. I agree there is a lot of drama going on-and you have become an enabler, as your Mom most likely can do more for herself. Knowing all this..It is time to put the relationship with you and your husband FIRST..Can you speak with someone from an aging council out your way-in addition to here in this forum? You surely sound burned out-If you want to read more on caregiver's burnout there is much on the web. One last thought is to bring her to her PCP-and you confront her with your delimna and see what happens--you have nothing much to loose and everything to gain.
Best of luck!
Hap
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When I got THIS message into my noggin, i realized my boundaries of what I was willing to do. At some point, her condition is MEDICALLY impossible for you to HANDLE. In this case, your own strength and abilities. For instance, I was not medically able to handle Mom's nasal congestion. The post nasal drip, the not being able to hear well, the slight headaches. I was with her all the time trying stuff or writing notes. something this simple totally almost destroyed ME. So time consuming. So are you at a breaking point. Make her earn her food, give her chores to do. Cancel cable TV, take it away until she shapes up. have tv only for good behavior. Do some Super Nanny stuff with her. Tell her "your behavior is unacceptable, stop it now." and walk away. turn off tv and take away remote. Say you expect an apology and an admission of her behavior...not just a simple "I'm sorry" than has revenge attached. you know when sincere. The reload and repeat. I don't stand for stuff like that. But she does not do it often
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I really don't have much to add to what naheaton and ed have already said, except three things. !. What a shame to read story after story on this site of moms who trained their daughters to feel like they had to be their enabling slaves later in life! 2. mzgrits, the insights you have into this are supurb. and shows you have not been envolped by F.O.G., i.e. Fear, Obligation and Guilt. 3. I'm not a therapist, but often in dealing with a mother like yours with these sorts of boudnary issues, I recommend a therapist strongly for yourself and your husband.
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She wants nursing home care from two adults who are not healthy themselves? Ok, then start making plans to get her into a good nursing home. Now she'll have to realize that even in a nursing home, no one is going to wait on her hand and foot.

My mother complains about PT not doing anything for her, but the rest of the story is that she will not meet them half way with any effort and then almost has to be begged to participate which is self-fish.
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We have my father (81) lives with us 60% of the time and after 2 years we realized we had ended up cooking and serving (on a tray to his recliner) all his food (he takes home cooked meals for when he is not at our place). He did however at least get his own cereal for breakfast. One winter morning my wife offered to make him raisin toast and this almost became another institution. She decided one morning to get him back to cereal by highlighting she had bought his favorite brand and some fresh bananas - well that morning he didn't eat in protest of no toast delivered to his chair so we decided to make a stand - no more toast and he can decide whether he eats or not. And it worked! He has responded positively and is generally a bit more helpful. I have many other examples too long to list here, but my experience is that aging loved ones take what you offer, turn it into an expectation, and then look for more. Your family must come first or things will fall apart for you & then your mother anyway! My advice is to gently but systematically make her more responsible for her own care where she physically can and put her in her place and get her to help. She is a member of the household and must contribute, even if it is minimally. It takes planning & determination but the result is sanity. In this way your family survives - and I think she will too. Giving aging parents what they want or what you think they want has no ceiling. Create a ceiling you can live with. Hope this helps.
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At 77, I am assuming your mother has medicare. I would suggest you have a mental evaluation done on your mother--At least have the depression addressed. I strongly believe it is time for your mother to be seen by a professional. At this point, an objective party may be better equipped to help your mother appreciate life again. Do not give her the option as to whether or not she wants to go. Set the appointment and take her.
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