I will try to make this as brief as I can. 10 years ago, I moved in with my boyfriend and his father. It was meant to be temporary however his father continued to decline in health. He has COPD and emphysema and was put on oxygen in 2019. In 2021, I decided to buy my first home. We had his father come with us, because the only other option was to leave him where he was and he wasn’t physically well enough to care for himself or the home.
I bought my home because it specifically offered first floor living for my FIL. The bathroom is maybe 8 feet away, kitchen is 10 feet. It was perfect. He did well in the beginning and was able to do most things himself but in July 2022, we all came down with COVID. Ever since then, he barely leaves his bed. I started bringing him everything he needed, including food/drinks, etc.
Then, about 2 months ago, he had a random bout of what he said was diarrhea. He had accidents in his pajamas almost daily. We got him Depends, thinking this was a temporary situation however ever since then, he will only have bowel movements in the Depends regardless of how often we tell him he needs to use the toilet. His doctors said he was constipated and the stool was the loose stool coming out however this has been going on for two months now.
My SIL is the only one willing to change his Depends and shower him and she only comes here once, maybe twice a week. He will soil himself and sit in it until my SIL comes to clean him. He is capable of cleaning himself up, because he has done it before, though I know it takes a lot of energy.
I pushed my SIL to get home care, so now for the last week there has been a nurse, physical therapist, occupational therapist and social worker here. The nurse comes, takes his vitals (which are always good) and then leaves. He has very little interest in therapy. He will do the exercises while they are here but doesn’t do them when they are gone. He refuses to get up and move every hour, even though that’s what the nurse instructed him to do. It seems like all he wants to do is lay in his bed and have everything done for him with no effort on his part.
As this progresses, I have increasingly become more frustrated and unhappy. I don’t like being home. I work a hybrid schedule so I am home 3 days a week and I am responsible for bringing him all of his meals and medications and must be here when home care comes to see him. My SIL bathes him once a week but once we obtain an aide, her job will be done except to come visit him when she has time.
I feel extreme guilt for what I’m about to say but I don’t want to do this. I care about his well being and that is why I have stepped up and have done what I’ve done thus far but I never anticipated caring for him on a daily basis for the rest of his life. I truly feel as though a nursing home would be better for him but my SIL will say no because of the money factor and my FIL does not want to be in a home.
My SIL, who works in a nursing home, has said she would have him live with her but she has not made any action to move forward with that plan.
I don’t know how to explain to them that I didn’t want to take on this responsibility without feeling like I’m being extremely selfish. We have a family meeting scheduled this weekend and I know when I tell them I don’t want to care for their father in this way, they are going to tell me that I invited him to live with us so I can not ask him to leave. I fear they will make me feel guilty and selfish but I also feel as though this shouldn’t be my responsibility. I also fear having to look my FIL in the face and tell him I don’t want to care for him. What kind of heartless person does that make me? I never wanted to make him feel like a burden but I also don’t want to be unhappy either.
Please, any advice will help.
I'd ask for him to live with SIL for 6 months so she gets a good idea of what is involved in his care. When it's time for him to return, I'd have another conversation at that time and let her know you just aren't up to it anymore after already serving your time with him. Suggest another family meeting at that time for his kids to determine who gets him next or facility placement - you remain quiet during the meeting. They will sort it out, or dad will just remain in the home of SIL.
"Since everyone was so kind to take their time to answer my question and offer their advice, I wanted to come back to update everyone on how the meeting went this past weekend. Sadly it went almost as I anticipated it going. I tried to stick with the facts with all three of them (both daughters, and his son which is my fiancé). I explained the type of care their father should be receiving which is getting bathed and changed daily, he should be moving around every hour, he isn't eating or getting proper nutrition, he isn't interested in PT or OT, he lays in bed all day and will get bed sores in no time. I tried to explain to them he would benefit greatly going to a nursing home or an assisted care facility. My fiancé said he didn't want his father to leave and his sister shared that sentiment. So I explained to all of them that their father is THEIR responsibility. I never intended or wanted to kick him out of my home but I will not be the one doing the caregiving and worrying about him every day. I told them they need to discuss his care amongst each other and what they decide to do is their decision. I will bring him his coffee in the morning and give him his medications but beyond that, it's their responsibility.
My fiancé's sister texted us yesterday saying she's looking into hospice care. I was under the impression that hospice was only for end of life care but she's saying it's not just for end of life. Either way, as long as he gets the help he needs then that's fine.
Ultimately it didn't go the way I wanted it to, however I'm hoping the meeting at least made them realize they need to be involved with their father's care more. My fiancé now packs a cooler for his father every morning with snacks and meals so I do not have to. He realizes now that HE needs to be the one taking care of his fathers needs, not me.
I want to thank all of you for the support and the help. It really meant a lot to me."
If you continue doing what you are, it is only enabling the situation remain the same.
Set some dates with the other family member to have him transferred to their home. Don't let them not give a plan including dates.
You can also call Adult Protective Services and advise them of the unsanitary biological hazards that exists in the home with the patient.
You can call APS, anonymously if you like. You can inform the family that you have or will call APS or you can choose not to tell the family nor patient.
Take back the control that has gradually been eroded from your life . If it means relationships change,then so be it; for your own sanity ,safety and well being.
And ultimately for the well being of the patient: you are correct, he belongs in a skilled care facility. Of course he is going to deny this and so many other family for different reasons. But you, do not have to nor should you agree and allow the situation to continue.
These 2 are deciding that their father will stay in YOUR house. You have no say?
Do you see what is wrong with this situation?
Like many others on here have said, I'm sorry to say but you are being taken advantage of. It does not sound like a good situation and your boyfriend and his sister (and their Dad) are all disrespecting you. Please listen to what people on here are saying. I'm actually angry at their Dad for treating you like this.
Just ask yourself: would you sit in someone's house (unrelated to you) and eat their food and poop in their chairs and throw rubbish on the floor, and expect them to change you and bathe you and provide for you? I bet your answer is no.
So please don't allow a person to do this to you.
I am married but would NEVER provide personal care for my FIL. I would visit him, drive him places, attend appointments, but that is it.
It is NOT your responsibility. But for some strange reason, it sounds like you want it to be your responsibility and you feel guilty for some reason. As others on here have suggested, perhaps this goes back to your childhood and maybe it might be good for you to talk to a counsellor/therapist?
Please please tell your boyfriend that HIS father needs to move out by the end of the month. Set a definite timeframe for this and don't let it drag on any longer; arrange for an aged care assessment and tell your boyfriend (and his sister) that they need to find a suitable nursing home for his Dad. Tell the Dad that he needs to go somewhere where he can be properly cared for. It is neglectful of them to allow him to sit in poop all day.
I say this with kindness and really hope things improve for you
If you are going to keep boyfriend/husband/whoever he is, tell him that you no longer want to live with a man who chooses to sit in his own feces, refuses to do his exercises, and needs more care than you want to give him. Stand up for yourself because nobody else in that family will do it for you.
It really shows you what this family values, doesn't it?
Makes you wonder where his priorities will be if you get sick. Or if you have kids.
I understand that you have empathy for this man. You say that you don’t want to assume any responsibility for him. Nor should it be your responsibility.
What has changed though? He is still living under your roof. You and your fiancé don’t have any privacy. How is hospice care going to alter this situation? It doesn’t.
This man deserves better care. The children aren’t in the position to provide what their father needs, so what is the alternative?
Facility care is the only sensible option. He will adjust. The entire family and others who have been affected (especially you) can breathe again knowing that he is being cared for by a professional staff.
from 2021, has anyone (your boyfriend, SIL, FIL) asked how YOU feel? have they shown any care about your feelings?
my advice:
be honest, polite. tell them clearly what you don't want, and what you want.
I hope this opened your eyes a bit.
He is 100% not your responsibility. In fact, you don’t have to think about it beyond he needs to move out.
What happens after that isn’t for you to even worry about. Self preservation is a real thing. You have done more than your share; it’s time to turn him over to his family. Good luck.
Now there was a poster who said in her state she was able to have an aid 4 hrs a day during the week. So find out how many hours you can get. Don't u sign anything either. Stick by your guns. Hopefully by being more involved this mans children will see he needs more care than any of them are willing to give.
My fiancé's sister texted us yesterday saying she's looking into hospice care. I was under the impression that hospice was only for end of life care but she's saying it's not just for end of life. Either way, as long as he gets the help he needs then that's fine.
Ultimately it didn't go the way I wanted it to, however I'm hoping the meeting at least made them realize they need to be involved with their father's care more. My fiancé now packs a cooler for his father every morning with snacks and meals so I do not have to. He realizes now that HE needs to be the one taking care of his fathers needs, not me.
I want to thank all of you for the support and the help. It really meant a lot to me.
Frankly I think you are in denial about what these people are doing to you. You are choosing not to see. Take your blinders off.
Perhaps you really “needed” a family back in the day. And they needed someone to do the heavy lifting. It was a bit of a fantasy for you. No harm. No foul. But it’s time to think again.
Dont confuse your BF taking up for you with him stepping up and taking on the responsibility of his father. How dare that one sis saying you asked for it. This is how she repays your kindness to her father?!
But truly you have made it very easy for pseudo FIL to get a bit sidetracked on who is truly responsible for him. He is responsible. No one else. For sure, not you. I have done a bit of this myself so I know how easy it is to fall into.
I don’t know what you want in life? Maybe you don’t know either. Why not find out? You do know you don’t want this.
It will never be any easier.
BTW. I heard recently that long COVID can be worse than lung cancer. It could be that FIL is still very ill. But that is not a reason to keep him in your home.
When you let them know he has to move, if you get any push back, look up eviction procedure for your state and don’t put it off. If you started today it could take awhile. Don’t threaten it, just do it if they don’t accept that you are done.
Wishing you the best in life. Keep in touch.
SadEmpath, how old is your boyfriend’s dad? You mentioned he has COPD, emphysema, etc. You would be surprised how long people can go on with conditions like that. Years and years!
“My SIL, who works in a nursing home, has said she would have him live with her but she has not made any action to move forward with that plan.”
I can’t say I blame her. Working in a nursing home, and then coming home to someone who requires a high level of care would make for a pretty grim life, I think.
And from the title of your post: “What is the best way to communicate my feelings to my *family* [emphasis added]?”
I wonder what your relationship with your family of origin is like? Might something from the past be playing itself out with your boyfriend and his family now? Just a thought in case helpful.
It’s not easy to be a kind, generous and sensitive person like you, SadEmpath. I am rooting for you to find a way out of this situation! 😊
So your BF doesn't like it that HIS father poops in his diaper and sits in it for days and you are ok with that response? And it stinks up YOUR kitchen in the house that you own where you cook and eat? There is something real wrong here.
Please get some therapy, there is a deep rooted problem here that actually has nothing to do with your BF or his father. Why do you let them walk all over you?
That is the real question. I hope that you will take the advice of the other posters here for your benefit, your future.
I wish you the very best!
What you need to tell these people is when you offered a place in your home to their father, he could do for himself. Now, he either no longer can or won't do it. His care is too much for you. He needs to be placed if the family can't come up with a better solution. How would they like to be cooking dinner and have that p**p smell. The family needs to find a solution because you are not a Nurse or an aide. You are not his daughter or his DIL.
To elevate some of the smell, place bowls of vinegar around.
I saw your post about not wanting to be confrontational. Most people don’t enjoy confrontation with others.
Barb’s suggestion about seeking therapy is very good. I second this recommendation for you.
Participating in therapy will allow you to view your situation with the proper perspective.
I wish that I had gone into therapy much sooner than I did. I could have prevented a lot of my heartaches if I had sought help sooner.
Schedule an appointment and if you can get your fiancé to attend, all the better. If he is against therapy, take that as a huge red flag and move on. If he isn’t going to be supportive of you, he may not be the right guy for you.
You sound very sweet. I’m sure that you would meet someone who is better suited for you that would truly appreciate you.
I have a female acquaintance who is a cop and also believes that caring for elders is for "the girls" to do. She and her mother took care of demented father. No help from three sons/brothers. So even professional women cannot be counted on here.
(Of course, the man requiring care is not an actual relative through either blood or marriage, so maybe I'm worrying unnecessarily. Even a die-hard "traditionalist" could perhaps be counted on to help SadEmpath.)
I wish you well. You won’t find peace until you let go. You are gaining nothing but heartaches from holding on.
The only thing that you can do is to be honest with all of them, starting with your fiancé and simply say, “No more! Free ride is over. Find professional care for your dad’s needs. He is your responsibility, not mine.”