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Last week I went shopping with my father to look for a lounge chair for my father's new room in assisted living. We found one at a small store that my father liked and I told the salesperson we were going to look around and we'd come back if we wanted the chair. The price was $499.00 with free local delivery.



Late yesterday I sent an email to the salesperson telling them that we will buy the chair. I provided all the delivery details and confirmed the price that included delivery. The salesperson emailed back today "We can deliver on Thursday, May 11 between 1 and 3 pm. The total price is $639.00." I emailed back "You originally quoted $499.99 with free local delivery and I confirmed this via email yesterday 5/8.". The salesperson replied "The local delivery is free but there is a service charge so in total the price is $639.00" .



I was so mad and was just about ready to reply "Go to hell" but then I got controlled and just emailed "I need to speak with my father and I will get back to you if we wish to proceed".



It seems my life is going to hell. Has anyone experienced professional retail people who behave like this? How do you handle it?

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Lisa, you need to look at things differently now. Your father is living in AL and well cared for, safe, fed, doctored. Alive and well, albeit aging, as we all are. You are not coping with the fact he's okay now, with or w/o your help, and the job you saw yourself having isn't very "real" anymore. Yet you are still part of dad's life forever!

You are admittedly feeling alone, physically sick, dizzy, hyperventilating (it sounds like) and showing all the signs of anxiety/panic attacks which is no joke, and requires medical attention.

I can tell you "Dads Fine" till the cows come home but YOU have to feel it in order to calm down. Sometimes we need help in that department. Drugs, counseling, therapy, etc. You've been posting here for quite some time with tons of suggestions to get counseling for the little things that have been bothering you and building up, up UP and now to seek medical attention for panic attacks which can bring you to the ER thinking you're having a heart attack. Been there/done that.

This isn't about a chair with a surcharge that's irritating you. The chair is the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back and brought you here to post again about a "trivial matter" you could easily write off but aren't able to do due to anxiety. Because it's now time to get help to see past the small stuff here and into the bigger picture of what's really going on with Lisatrevor. Fears of death, losing dad, being alone in life, we all arrive at that stark place eventually and have to face it.

If not now, when? We may understand why you post as you do. What is not as understandable is why you haven't sought out help for what's ailing you? Dad will die eventually no matter what, it's the cycle of life. Where will YOU choose to be emotionally when that time comes, is the question? Your default future, should you choose to do nothing, looks bleak and that's scary to me.

Please choose to care for YOURSELF now bc dad's fine and so is your brother.

You've been a good offspring to the man. A good sibling to your brother, too. Bc you've cared and you've tried. That's all we can do as humans; our best, working within our own limitations.

These are the words of support we come to Agingcare to hear.

I truly hope you hear them tonight. You deserve to.

Wishing you the best.
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lisatrevor May 2023
Thank you for your kind reply. This is situation is all new to me still. It will take some time to get used to. I should be able to get "recalibrated", so to speak, in time. Maybe it will take a year. I do have to make some choices, major choices. I'm not getting anywhere in anyway now because the situation is almost incapacitating. That will end at some point. I think.
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Lea, such a wise response.

I can relate. I've gone to the E R numerous times with panic attacks. It's no joke. I've learned to recognize the symptoms and can control my thinking now when it happens. But when it happens it truly sucks.

I agree with Lea Lisa. Maybe you are trying to deflect from your own issues by having issues with retailers etc. I'm not trying to diminish your experience with that particular retailer. I'm sure what you said happened and you have a right to be angry.

I haven't followed your posts on here closely enough to know what others are referring to re: your anger with others. But maybe consider that dealing with your own emotions over your father and brother would help you. I know cause I think I do the same. I've had anger over my siblings ever since my mom's death and I realize that I need to let it go and try to deal with why I'm still angry over it 8 years later. They don't know I'm angry still and if they did they wouldn't care. It's me that I have to deal with now. Not them.
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lisatrevor May 2023
It's anxiety and depression and it's a doing a number on me. Like I just said below, this will go away, I think, at some point when I adjust.

I don't have anger at my brother at all. He though definitely feels very strong negative feelings towards me and I don't know why. It's troubled me but like I also said earlier I'm going to live my life now and he and his family can live theirs.

In the late 80's and early 90's I barely had any contact with him. There was no commercial internet and telephone calls were expensive. I remember writing him letters, on paper and taking them to the post office. I actually had to leave my apartment and go somewhere to do this! So I can get back to this "mode" of relationship and I will try to make a new life for myself without him and his (damn) family. I just wanted to put "damn" in their because while I don't feel anger I do feel how ungrateful they have been to me. But thanks to this forum I see now that there's no point in expecting others to reciprocate for all I've done for someone else. I'm just glad I did it and we had great times for many years as a result. I used to babysit my nephews almost every weekend and take them out for ice cream, the zoo, amusement park, etc.. and they had the audacity recently to insult me with disrespectable, derogatory words at dinner? I have no idea what happened with then. I am going to take a deep breath now..................I feel better. Thank you so much for your kind words.
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Retail isn't a caregiver issue, and I think you need help. I don't think you have anxiety.
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Lisa,

There are a couple of threads on this forum called, On My Mind and General Topics. Plenty of people chat about random topics all the time.

If you want to chat casually without making a post of your own. I am sure that you will get responses from people.

Oh, and if you like to cook or enjoy jokes you can lurk on. What’s for dinner or Jokes for the caregiver.

There’s also, “My Whine Moment today.” What’s Yours?

Feel free to drop by any of these sites to casually discuss random stuff.

Good luck finding a nice chair for your dad.

Look in the search bar to find the threads.
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Yes, There's always those hidden charges. I think they wait till you are totally sold on the purchase and then figure you've decided and will just go ahead with it even with the extra charges.
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It is a "support group" and one that has helped me. It has been difficult essentially losing my father's input in my life. I lived many years on my own far away from my father. In the late 80's and early 90's before the internet phone calls were fairly expensive so we talked maybe once a month! We actually sent letters in the mail back then, too! But after I cared for him for many years it's been difficult the last few months. Harder than anytime in my life.

This group has made me see that I have my own life, too, and now I'm trying to get into a sort of "new chapter" that will be enjoyable to me. I'm truly alone now and at this time in my life it's not that scary but it's making me feel physical sick. I'm getting dizzy at times and taking huge deep breathes often to calm me down. I probably look like a mental case in public. I almost want to cry going into the shops me and my father used to go often. It breaks my heart to know that this is a later stage of life for us both and there's no going back. That's just how I feel. I had many great years and nothing to complain about but this? This has been like a type of hell. So I hope you understand why I post like I do.
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@Itsme

It's not an attack.
It's a sincere suggestion to OP, to be careful. It's my sincere suggestion that she should work hard and create a life.

It's my sincere opinion that she indeed plays the victim, and has a habit of criticizing others, again and again, so she can feel "I'm better than them". It's an attitude that won't help her in life.

Not pointing that out, would be ENABLING her, encouraging her to continue down the hole.
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🙁🙁🙁🙁 OP, please pay attention.
I post this here again:

1.
You enjoy talking badly about other people and their faults. It can be your brother, it can be anyone. If you don't criticize your brother, you'll criticize another person (like suddenly mentioning that rich woman). You criticize so that you can give a compliment to yourself.

People who enjoy talking badly about other people tend to do that their whole lives, and NON-STOP. It makes them feel better about themselves.

I hope you won't be like that your whole life.


2.
Do something good.
Take care of your friends from the past. Friendship isn't just about meeting new people. It's also about re-kindling old friendships. Not discarding them, when they're no longer useful. Today, do something nice, unexpected, for your vulnerable, sick friend.
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lisatrevor May 2023
Obviously people who have had bad experiences want to try to get advice. Look at this forum. 90% of the titles are something negative about a situation or someone. There's a reason for that!

I'll you something good that happened to me today. I went for a walk and this tall skinny man I have never saw before who looked scary with a long white beard came walking right in front of me. All of sudden he smiles and says "Good afternoon" like a gentleman. I said "Same to you". That was nice. What do you think of that!

Then when I got back home I had numerous work emails where I had to gather data from disparate documents and put it in a form that was understandable to two presidents of two companies. It's a real pain and time consuming to do. Yes I work, for the last time.

As I indicated my old friend knows very well they can contact me anytime for anything. There's a reason they don't that often and I fully understand. It could be in the future we will spend a lot of time together.
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Lisa, maybe this should have been posted to discussions.

I have worked retail and it was up to me to make a buyer aware of all charges. I have never heard of a service charge when buying off the floor. What service are they providing other than providing delivery which u were told was free? If this is a chain, I would complain to the Corporate office in writing. If privately owned, to the owner. May not get anywhere with them but may make u feel better.

So, I sympathize with u.
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Hi Lisa - since this "chair" issue had gotten you so mad, I think you're right that "depression and anxiety are doing a number on you" - as you said. I think depression or anxiety can cause any small annoyance to be blown out of proportion - so it's important to put it into perspective and step away from the situation and take some power back.

I personally think you'd be better off to politely call the salesperson and try to negotiate the "service fee" into the total cost, due to your budget constraints - probably there's also some sales tax included in his figure. Or, you can call the store owner/manager to see if they'll make adjustments on the cost - I definitely wouldn't complain about the sales person - it's so not worth it. Keep positive energy onto others and it'll return back to you. And if there's a service they're providing, like assembling the chair, then that is separate from a delivery charge. Small stores have some flexibility on pricing.

But again - you're talking about a chair - it's just as easy to go on Amazon to find a zillion other similar models, as a back-up - and then your problem is solved.

The bigger issue isn't the chair - it's just not sweating over the small stuff and understanding the difference...and learning to make concessions along the way.
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