Suggestions for relieving caregiver stress?

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Suggestions for relieving caregiver stress?

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Caregivers do need help to relieve stress and may find themselves in the yelling/guilty cycle as I do. I notice that often people recommend getting a caregiver, adult daycare, assisted living, memory care or friends to help relieve caregiver stress. The first few are very expensive and might end up being more stressful financially. It is assumed the loved one would go along. Also, some of us have friends with their own health issues (my best friend’s husband has cancer, another COPD, another has just been blinded by eye operation, another is helping her daughter who has young children and needed a cochlear implant, another has a husband with Alzheimer’s and was just diagnosed with breast cancer herself.) As far as close relatives go, my 85 year old sister needs help herself with atherosclerosis, A-fib and UBS. My 82 year old brother was just in the hospital after getting COVID which kicked off A-fib and he has atherosclerosis. His wife just had heart surgery. Adult children live at a distance and have small children and jobs. My sister-in-law just had eye surgery for cancer and another lives miles away with heart issues herself. The only relief when I start yelling is to try to go into another room and breathe and that is just a brief solution.There are others on this site in similar positions so the site is a blessing as is journaling (complaining). Any other suggestions to stop losing my temper with my spouse who can drive me crazy.

Anger Burnout Mental Health Stress

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You need to create some opportunities for "me time" -which means that your spouse is either sleeping or safely engaged in an activity. It can be as simple as the opportunity to walk in the yard, have a beverage, read a book, engage in your fav hobby... The goal is to make sure you get enough "me time" daily since "caregiver time" can seem endless at times. I also think it is a good idea to have somebody take over for a couple hours every week so you get "time off" for your doctor appointments, your time to socialize with friends, your time to run errands...

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Stress is awful for sure. There may be a volunteer agency in your area. Yelling is considered abuse. Please reach out. There is help out there and if not take a walk, go out on the porch, take a nice bath. Ask family to at least give you a couple hours a week for yourself. How about the local church. Caretakers truly need rest and care. Best wishes.

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That is why I am trying to yell “inside” my head… at least it helps me have less guilt time.

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What has helped me is "yelling" inside my head that it is NOT him driving me crazy it is the Parkinson's. Then I remind myself that it is NOT me "yelling" either, it is the caregiver. Taking a minute to see the situation for what it is worth helps me treat him with a little bit more respect and "maybe" get a little bit back.

I just discovered this website.... https://theheartofthecaregiver.com/
Check out this facebook page... The Heart of the Caregiver

KathleenQ, you are very right in saying journaling (complaining) and sharing with others who may empathize is a blessing.

I don't understand why so many here are so quick to suggest sending our loved ones to a facility when we become overwhelmed. To me, care giving is a roller coaster with stress going way up and down. If given time, things can sometimes settle. I do believe there is a time for a facility, but it is not an instant go to solution as some here seem to suggest. Even when it is the best decision, rarely can someone afford to just select one and make a quick transition. Facilities are not without their own stressors and is not the best answer for everyone.

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I promised myself with unapologetic selfishness to do everything that is best for me during caregiving.
It starts with taking care of myself.
I love fashion. So I also became a little bit of fashion advisor to some GFs, some criticize me. I just do a very french shrug, I don’t explain/ justify my actions.
I am not frivolous person I am taking care of myself on every level, passion is important, I like making jewellery, design bags, I would like to try painting.
Also, learning Spanish, lately it consists of watching Spanish shows but I learn, I know my understanding is improving.
And now as I need more brainy activities I decided to study law, not sure if it will lead to law degree, it does not matter at the moment, one course at the time.
I think it is passion that keeps us going, I don’t have it hard as my husband with Parkinson’s is independent but the progression is fast now and other diseases/ conditions appear. I do everything to distance myself from disease as much as possible.
If I get stressed I go for a ride, with classic rock playing loudly.
Or I watch Seinfeld my fav show still and as Frank Castanza said, Serenity Now!

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Tough situation for you. It sounds like you possibly don’t have sufficient financial resources to either hire some part time help or to place him in a facility(?). You also don’t have a support network to help you. I hear you there. I have no family closer than three hours away, no sisters, nieces or aunts to help. One brother stays with my Dad - three hours away. One brother dealing with severe kidney issues. I do have the financial part - at least for now - thanks to thoughtful planning and sacrifice by my parents. They lived below their working middle class means and saved. But back to you - and your question. Without the ability to get help to get relief from the stress I think yelling is perfectly understandable. Does he nap at a regular time so you can claim that time as yours? Is there any way you can find a private aide (rather than an agency) on a site like Care.com who is willing to help you for a few hours a week at a rate you can afford? Can you qualify for Medicaid for him or will that put you in financial ruin? Can you find a local support group that can possibly help with resources? Journaling, exercise, and/or finding a professional counselor might help.
I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. I take over care every day from 4 to 10 PM and all day on weekends. Without the 40 hours of help during the week I would lose my mind and be more exhausted than I am. Best wishes.

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KathleenQ: Unfortunately, your DH may require managed care facility living.

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Dealing with someone with dementia 24/7 is HARD! Of course he drives you crazy and you lose your temper.

It is really never a good idea to rely on your family to help. As you've noted, most are too old and the younger ones are too busy and should be focusing on their spouses and children and careers. BUT you do need and deserve help. Yes, it can be expensive. But your health and sanity are invaluable too. You deserve time for yourself, to be something other than your husband's caregiver.

He may not want any changes and be against adult day care, caregivers, etc. Well at this point it is not up to him. You are the adult in charge and must do what is needed to keep him safe and you from getting more burnt out. With my mom, I started with a cleaning lady (she lived with me for 7 years). Then added caregivers and more and more and more until I decided it was time for AL. So, start asking around for recommendations and go through an agency to get yourself some help. Get out and do things for YOU. Go for a walk. Go have lunch with a friend. Take a nap. So many options, but please do it.

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Boundaries are critical. And while I’ve put somethings on hold, I don’t let everything go entirely. Example, an avid golfer on 2-3 leagues may stick with one for awhile to help with caregiving but not stop golfing entirely.

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if possible, find a passion; something you’re so crazy about, you can’t wait to get up in the morning and start.

❤️🙂

then, although some things in life might be crumbling, you have that passion.

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Bundleofjoy, I agree with your answer. And I'd add that, in my experience, the mental and emotional energy often just isn't there to find passion. Then self-compassion and allowing myself time to just function, as healthfully as I was able, was required--with no time limit. I got through it; as most of us here know, it wasn't and isn't pretty, but we do survive.

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To echo what others have said, getting outside for a walk, either by yourself or with a friend, is wonderful. Also, I started to jot things down when I was taking care of my mom when she had Alzheimer's. At the time, I didn't really consider it "journaling" per se, but I knew that jotting things down helped me. For 1 thing, it helped me see the humor in an otherwise dire situation. These anecdeotes wound up becoming a book: "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." (Both my mom and dog were diagnosed with their respective problems around the same time, and I was the caregiver for both of them.) One day I felt so stressed, that I took a few minutes out of my day, just to polish my nails. I wanted to feel more like "me," rather than just a caregiver. I also watched sitcoms, like "Lucy" re-runs. Even though it seems like a small thing, a big laugh can go a long way. When my mom took care of my dad, when he had COPD, she knew that taking care of herself, (in her case, by playing golf about 2 times a week), made her a better caregiver. She had a volunteer sit with my dad during these times. Hope these suggestions help.

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AlvaDeer,
Or Lealonnie thank you for that. Allow me to copy that:
Right now, in this moment, what exactly is a dreadful emergency in my life?
That will be something I am going to ask myself everyday!

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Contact the Area Agency on Aging that serves the county where your loved one lives. Just search for Area Agency on Aging, ____ county, state. This will get you to their contact number. There is a Respite Care program that will enable you to bring someone in periodically to provide you with some relief. They can also help you find additional help from local affordable resources.

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Mindfulness exercises are free.
Our own Lealonnie, who is dealing with quite a full plate right now, is the one I believe who asks us to ask ourselves "Right now, in this moment, what exactly is a dreadful emergency in my life". You could also ask yourself "Right now, what exactly can I address, even in a small way".
Try to avoid circular stewing where you stir the contents of it all around and around in a circle, never getting anywhere at all but the same old problems.
My heart goes out to you. Anxiety is often the worst of it in these situations.

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Alva,

I agree with the circular stewing. We do need time to process a situation, but becoming lost in the past serves no useful purpose.

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Just going outside for a bit if possible. Take some breaths of fresh air. Listen to the birds. Or listen to some music inside or outside. Listen to a podcast…there are many relating to stress, meditation and mindfulness…most are free. Online or in person support groups help too.

If you can, have a walk…even a brief one. Exercise is a known stress reliever. If you have a pet, then pet them, that’s also a known stress reliever. Even a dab of your favorite perfume…smells are very powerful and can take you briefly to another place. Read a bit if you have a few minutes.

Some of the “take care of yourself” methods do sound cornball…but what have you got to lose by trying some of them? If they are easy, free/cheap and they help, then why not? But you’ll never know unless you try a few. Not all will be for you, but you may be surprised. Google some info on stress relief.

Also, if you can, please post how you do and if you’ve found something that helps you. You may be able to help someone else. Lord knows caregiving is the most difficult thing any of us will do and we all need all the help we can get.

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just some thoughts. When you have some time without immediate demands, try not to use it to catch up on annoying tasks. Most will still be there. Use it for whatever absorbs your mind pleasantly. Crossword, hitting a pillow, a little gardening, a nap, yoga….your spirit needs respite more than the house needs cleaning or the laundry needs folding. Also, think of hiring a
nonprofessional “daughter’s helper” a few hours a few times a week. Household tasks, shopping, visiting your patient while you do other things. A teen, a retired person, a young mother with a child- housebound and isolated. Some even love old folks. Look around the neighborhood, ask a minister, or a grocer you know, maybe a school principal.

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I'd add jigsaw puzzles to your ideas : )

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just some thoughts. When you have some time without immediate demands, try not to use it to catch up on annoying tasks. Most will still be there. Use it for whatever absorbs your mind pleasantly. Crossword, hitting a pillow, a little gardening, a nap, yoga….your spirit needs respite more than the house needs cleaning or the laundry needs folding. Also, think outside the boundaries about help. A neighborhood teen, a young mother with a little kid, a retired person. All of these could be a “daughter’s helper”. Laundry, shopping, food prep…A couple hours, a few days, relief and company. Some might distract and entertain an invalid. My toddler grandchildren were very popular in the nursing home. A young, homebound mother might love being out of her house and making a little money with the kiddo. You don’t need a professional caretaker for support necessarily.

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As with you, I'm solo. My ex husband is dead, my only sibling is dead, my father is dead. My two adult children are living wonderful lives and though they do come over and visit, I refuse to ask them to take on any part of this caregiving thing because it's not their responsibility.

It's only 10:27 am and I have already done some screaming in my kitchen after coming downstairs from helping my mother with yet another bathroom visit.

Even though her hearing aids are not in at the moment, I suppose she can hear me screaming to some degree. But the was always a screamer - screamed at me most of my life growing up for this or that. Screamed at my dad as well. Never screamed at my now deceased brother who was the love of her life. Nevertheless.....

Interesting what this journey has done to me. As a child and most of my adult life I have been non-confrontational, quiet, introverted and patient by nature. Groomed to be a pleaser which in turn obtained parental approval and acceptance, which I craved.

Now as a 63 year old caregiver for my mother (who lives with me because of a promise that she asked me to make to her - and being a pleaser, I promised), I've become angry, frustrated and resentful.

I did quite well until about 2 years ago when the whole thing began to grind me down after I lost my daily sitter to Covid and my job that I loved. I've been limping along ever since.

I no longer read the "take care of yourself" stuff because it's ridiculous to me. I do have private sitters who come for a few hours each week to give me a break and would have more if I could find more. (I just lost a sitter to her real estate business.)

So yes, the anger/guilt cycle is alive and well in my heart and mind. I wish I had some golden kernel of advice to offer but I don't. I pray a lot, I try to take things one day at a time, I try not to give in to the "why me" thoughts, I try to get outside every day for as long as possible, I try to exercise every day.

However, I have given in to the sadness, loneliness and depression that is a part of this season for me.

Blessings to all.

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I understand complete, and agree with your suggestions completely. My heart is with you, southiebella :)

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Here's what I think (you may not like this answer). The person who can single-handedly provide 24/7 care for a dependent elder for an extended timeframe is a rare bird. I know I couldn't. My husband and I cared for his mother for a short time at the very end of her life and even that short experience was enough to tell me I am not one of the few people on this Earth capable of doing it alone. It took both of us and even that was difficult. (She had cancer, not dementia.)

This means that if a person has no support from family and no financial means to pay for help, they will at some point have to take advantage of the resources our tax dollars provide and place the person in professional care. I wish we as a society could turn from the assumption that "anyone should be able to do it" and realize that very few are cut out for this.

I wish you peace with this difficult road you're on.

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I read a wonderful piece recently about accepting and asking for support, in any form is necessary (gov't. programs, friends, neighbors, local nonprofit organizations). The author described beautifully the grace that comes with acknowledging that EVERYONE needs support, materially in some way, &/or emotionally, spiritually in some way. The hardest part for most people is receiving support without begrudging their 'neediness'--in other words, acknowledging that we are ALL human, and in reality, though many of us don't want to admit, or think we should admit, our humanity.

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OP's excellent question:
"Suggestions for relieving caregiver stress?"

if anyone figures this out, THANK YOU.
❤️🙂

i think many of us don't know how to relieve it, but know how to relive it (over and over again in our heads).
😉

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Just a quick observation. Everyone seems to think that placement using Medicaid is a good option. It is a last-option option. Please remember that Medicaid in most states is often only available for nursing home placement and a person has to meet Medicaid defined health and financial needs. Until then, there are no great options. Private care and aides is expensive! Nursing homes with Medicaid generally have at least 2 people in a room, quality of care/food/activities varies and private space is extremely limited, Family really must pay very close attention to how their loved one is being treated and advocate for them.

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My Mom was in a nice NH. They had a large room with a fireplace and big comfy couches and chairs. Their dining room had an activities part that something was going on all afternoon and sometimes after dinner. Mom spent most of her time their. Yes, when taxpayers tax dollars are paying for it, there are 2 to a room, my Mom eventually 4. But she only slept there.

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Do you really need a diagnosis? Unless it is for medication purposes or to get insurance help why worry about it. Seems you have a gut feeling as to what the issue is. Provide a safe environment in your home and make sure to take care of yourself. In my area (southeast Texas) have a non-profit group called The Gathering Place that offers weekly respit for caregivers. Caregivers drop their LO off for socialization activities and a meal. There is a pre- screening for eligibility, but it’s not about money more just to know the needs of the client.

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All good points and suggestions but finances are part of the stress too! I sometimes feel guilty when I go work outside or in my office. I gave up my business. But I also realize change will come it gives me hope. I have noticed that the stress relief gets shorter and shorter

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HI, KathleenQ:

Sorry your husband is suffering at age 78 which is young in longevity. He requires placement in memory care now since he may live a long time with Alzheimer's disease. Don't do his caregiving any more, because you may neglect your health and end up dead ahead of him. So please place him in a facility. You can visit him as his wife instead of a careiver in a death spiral. That's what help is for, to save yourself. That also goes for your other loved ones.

If money his runs out with his funds, none of yours, it spends down to Medicaid elibility.

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In my state, marital funds are considered for Medicaid eligibility and the community spouse is allowed to keep her income, a certain dollar amount, and the home, but make no mistake, any other funds such as investments and savings in a marriage are considered by Medicaid.

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Hi! Just a token from my own experience as a caregiver & therapist. Therapy helps a lot. Having your own private space weekly - even just virtually is so important. I recommend journaling as well just to get the thoughts that race in your head (at least they do for me) out.

also something that has helped me is creating a somewhat predictable environment. Establishing routines where I can and trying to stick to them. It can be very difficult so consider it a practice as opposed to “I’m gonna do this everyday and that’s it” because if you don’t do it one day you may be very upset with yourself for not having done it.
yoga is very helpful as well. I recommend yoga with Adrienne on YouTube.

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a walk in the park and massage

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Can you get together with spouses in similar situations? Like all agree to put your spouses in respite while y’all go do something overnight.

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If you are a yelling person, do you enjoy singing? I’m sure this will sound a bit silly, but I sing away a lot of stress. And singing is so much more socially acceptable. Not sweet, melodic stuff. Roar some hard rock. Growl some blues. You should have seen the jaws drop when I nailed the screech in Alice Cooper’s “Under My Wheels”.

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You mentioned journaling. I have journaled for years. My therapist suggested this to me. I find it to be helpful to put our thoughts down on paper. We can also track our progress as we move forward.

A favorite thing for me is listening to music. You can also listen to unabridged books. There are tons of podcasts on a number of topics that are worth listening to as well. Music especially is therapeutic and enjoyable.

You can check out books from the library, read blogs of interest to you, short stories when you are in the mood for a quick read.

Watching a silly comedy is always a stress buster. Nature shows are relaxing. Wild life photography is absolutely beautiful. I love to cook so I enjoy some of the cooking shows also.

Exercise is good if you can muster up the energy to do so. It releases endorphins and you will feel better. Even just a short walk is nice.

Going outside to connect with nature. Flowers always make me smile. We have gorgeous ‘live oak’ trees in our area. I always marvel at beautiful trees.

Water has always been calming for me. I enjoy looking at the sailboats on the lakefront, walking along the river front or feeding ducks in the bayou. Taking a hot bath or shower is relaxing too.

I don’t know if you enjoy doing any craft projects. I like to make jewelry, sew and make wreaths and other decor for the holidays.

So, my ideas for preventing losing your temper with your spouse would be finding a distraction for awhile.

Best wishes to you. I hope that you will be able to find time to do something fun just for you very soon.

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You can have your assets split. His split going to his care than Medicaid gets applied for. When he starts collecting Medicaid you become the community spouse and remain in the home, have a car and part or all of your monthy income to live on. See an elder lawyer to split ur assets.

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Very good suggestion, JoAnn29. I am not in the same situation as the person posting, but I have often wonderful how (in a community property state) one would go about 'splitting assets'. I have a wonderful ElderCare attorney (I am Trustee and Guardian for a relative) and I truly don't know what I would have done without my ElderLaw attorney...He has saved my bacon!

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You know, I am not seeing anything other than placement at some point. I cannot know how often you are experiencing extreme stress, but I can suggest keeping a diary, rating your days by 10% to 100% in level of stress, and keep track. At some point this simply cannot be done at home with your maintaining physical and mental health. Without those two, how will you continue caring and where will your husband be without your support?
I wish I had a magic wand. If anyone can find answers it would be you, and you have been unable to. I hope that others have better ideas than my own.

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