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Mom was released from the rehab nursing facility last week. It was recommended that she not be alone. I'm the only sibling that lives nearby (25 miles away, full time job). I do groceries and all medical, scripts, husband takes care of her house and property.

I took her to visit an assisted living facility last week before discharge--absolutely refuses to consider it. As part of her discharge planning, she was offered visiting nurse, PT, and OT. After one visit with the nurse, she told her that she doesn't want her to come back. Also offered home health and she refused to consider that. Refuses to use a medical alert pendant (threw it in a drawer) and is not reliable about keeping her cell phone nearby.

She had a stroke 3 1/2 years ago which has affected her balance so she is a major fall risk. Blood pressure is under control and is generally healthy except for the falling. Fell in November and was laid up for weeks with a fracture in her hip but it was not a weight bearing injury. I ran back and forth to her house for several weeks since she was unable to prepare food. In February, she fell and fractured her pelvis. They released her after 2 days but was unable to put weight on it due to the pain. She refused home health--then during a transfer to a commode while alone, she fell and had a second pelvic fracture. After that hospital stay, she went to rehab until she could walk (not reliably) with the walker if someone had ahold of her gait belt.

My husband and I decided to put in cameras since we cannot be there 24/7. She is very angry that we put a camera in her bedroom. She feels it is a major invasion of her privacy since she uses the commode in her bedroom and changes clothes there. How do we stand firm about this?? I am constantly in knots over her decision to 'be independent' at the cost of safety!!

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How about you make a deal with her. No cameras in the bedroom but she has to consent to in-home assistance and she absolutely must wear a life alert necklace at all times.

You have proof that her being alone is bad for her health. She shouldn't be left alone to fall over and over again, someone should be there caring for her if she's going to refuse assisted living. If she's going to insist on staying in her home then she's going to have to make some sacrifices.
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Hi junglechicken,
Frankly I can see why your mom hates the camera - I know that my mother would have felt the same way. However, your mother is in the extreme when it comes to refusing help of any kind. Everishlass mentioned making a deal with your mom.
That was good thinking on her part so you may want to try that first.

My dear elderly friend was much like your mom, though he'd wear the alarm necklace IF I went over and put it on him daily. Otherwise, he'd accept no help except for me. His final fall came later in the day after I'd put the necklace on him. He'd broken his hip and was able to alert me. However, when I think back on Joe, I know that he'd have preferred to die alone on his floor to having in-home help or cameras. Some people are like that and it can be very trying to do anything about it. When it comes to the dignity of choice vs. safety, it's nearly impossible to do what is right because the two things can be so at odds.

Unless your mother is considered cognitively impaired, you'll continue to have problems getting her to accept help. Try what Everishlass suggested. We can hope that it works.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing,
Carol
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well you could have discussed with her doctor that she refuses care and you are not capable of running back and forth several times a day. OR like someone else said, make a deal, either you do what needs to be done to stay safe or you will have her doctor have her admitted to a facility until she can take care of herself. its hard........my brother got our mother a life alert bracelet and she wore it one time. I just plain out told her, well when you fall and can't get to the phone for help.........you will the next time wear it.
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I live with my mom & work full time. Since she is hard of hearing she seldom answers the phone I was constantly worried all day at work and ringing the phone off the hook. Sometimes even running home just to check on her. I decided to put cameras in two common areas where she is most of the day. I decided against the bedroom because once she is up she goes right into the other rooms. Maybe you can set it up in the hall outside the bedroom just so you know when she is up and moving around. I highly recommend the camera's for your own piece of mind. It's been a Godsend to be able to see that she is relaxing on the sofa, watching TV with her feet up which is what she was probably doing all the time I was stressing because she didn't answer the phone. I am able to relax at work or when I am out knowing her and my dog are safe. Without the camera's I would probably be on anxiety meds by now. You need a serious sit down talk with your mom and tell her that there are no other options since she has refused the other things. But I would get it out of the bedroom and put it in the hall and living areas. I wouldn't want one in my bedroom/bathroom either. Maybe tell her you'll take it out of the bedroom is she agrees to call you once she gets up and if you don't get a call, you'll be sending the police to check on her. That might worry her just enough to call you. Good luck and don't feel bad about using camera's. You need piece of mind or you'll go crazy.
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Hello All,

Deal making requires memory. You haven't mentioned your mother's memory/mental health. Is her memory sufficient to make and hold to a deal?

The situation you are describing sounds impossible. It really cannot continue for very long. It is so sweet of you and your husband to be doing all of this but you have no control over her care and safety when you are not there. It might really be time to go.

I "forced" my mom into AL with the support and approval of her doctor and the Area Agency on Aging. I picked her up for lunch, took her for lunch at the AL that she had already visited, the staff ate with us and sort of surrounded her with staff at the very lovely set table (cloth table cloth, china, crystal), and then I explained that my husband and I would leave after lunch and that she would not. Naturally, she cried but the staff knew how to handle everything. They were astonishing. A few days later they brought her the papers to sign--without going into explanations about what those papers were... Ethical? Under the circumstances, I think so. A few months later, my mom had no recollection of the event and was settled in.

The whole thing hinged on HER SENSE OF SUBMISSION TO AUTHORITY. Because her doctor wanted it, and the Area Agency on Aging ( an OFFICIAL organization that, by the way, she had called and asked for an evaluation, lol), she knuckled under. I would never have believed this possible but thanks to a really tough, no-nonsense nurse, the suggestion was made and it worked.

I visit my mom every day (that I am in town...) and am grateful that she is safe and getting her meds ( she had been forgetting them for months though she told me every day that she had taken them--so bad!!). The place she is in is very pretty and the food is awesome. As for the rest of it, is she happy? Who knows? I neither know nor hardly care. The other issues just overwhelmed and blotted that out. What is happiness when you cannot even remember what happened in the last few hours? She seems content enough--as much as any pedestrian in any city has a right to be. And she is always happy to see me.

I hope this helps. It is just one more woman's experience.
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Can i put a nanny cam in my moms room in a nursrsing home.She has not been put to bed after a sleeping med they say shes takung things out her dresser i caught another resdeint in her room doing this to my moms items my mom was so upset i spoke with staff they oh well she does that.Alot of things happening.
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This sounds like a classic case of refusing to accept the new reality of life in the so-called "golden years." Nobody wants to admit that they are not as independent as when they were taking care of all the little details of rearing children or establishing a career. When Supermom becomes the one whose diaper needs changing or Mr. Executive can't remember to pay his bills on time, it is an extreme frustration and a blow to the ego.

I agree with the suggestions posted here, although the results will depend largely on your mother's mental condition. You need to consider that even if she seems as sharp as ever the stroke may have altered her brain in a way that you don't recognize, just as it compromised her balance. This may be more than stubbornly clinging to her independence. It appears that there is a mental roadblock that makes it impossible for her to grasp that she is at risk.

I hope the suggested tactics work for you. The responsibility of caregiving most often puts us between a rock and a hard place.
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We have the same situation. We decided to use cameras - also for Mom's safety.
We put the one in her room UNDER the bed- so as not to show her using the commode-or dressing-but to show IF she had fallen and needed help. It allowed her the privacy and we did not tell her it was under the bed- so she felt safe-and we KNEW she was. I hope this helps.
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This is one of the problems in a nursing facility. Theft of other patients. Hard to watch every resident 24/7. Make sure her name is on everything. If she is moved, and make sure they contact u and ur there so u know
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Cont: all her belongings go w/her. Nothing worth anything should be taken toa nursing facility.
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I think the next time ur Mom is the hospital and onto rehab, she should be evaluated. If they find she can't live alone, u can have her transferred
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Sorry, keeps posting
To a long term facility. Here some rehabs have an assisted living, AD and nursing attached. This makes for an easy transfer.
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I think the idea of a camera under the bed is pretty clever. The concern is a fall, and if you have one that pans, unless the covers block the view you can see. As to the deals, like someone says, it depends on whther they are capable. My mother is 86 with dementia, and I have cameras about everywhere but her bathroom and bedroom. No way she is capable of making a deal about it when she does not know the day, week, month or year.
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If it were me, even though I understand about the cameras, I wouldn't want them in the bedroom either. If she doesn't have a life alert, get one, she can call for help if she falls. Tell you you'll remove the camera from the bedroom if she agrees to in home assistance. You can put a camera in another common area of the home just to keep an eye on her. I certainly understand your concern, I'm caring for my dad. I hope this works out to everyone's benefit. Good luck.
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Excellent points.

The ability to make a deal depends on cognitive ability. This didn't sound like a dementia issue, but if it is, then more often than not, people need to be placed somewhere for help whether or not they agree.

As far as the camera under the bed - clever indeed! That's one to remember.
Carol
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I can see your mother is wanting to stay independent but she obviously doesn't have the sense of mind to know what's in her best interest. It's too bad when they discharged her they didn't insist that she had to move so it was their recommendation. I have to agree with Salisbury's suggestion. You are living too far away to have to be doing all these things. Since you are doing grocery shopping and medical, I take it she doesn't drive. Therefore she is not independent. Has any one given her a Mini Mental exam to see what her cognitive ability is? She needs assisted living based on her many needs and falls. Sometimes the one who fight it the hardest are the ones who end up enjoying living there the most. My dad also refused to move into Independent Living even though he said he needed to move out of his house. It took a while, but about 2 months later he realized he needed to move. It is always easier if it's their decision but sometimes a very tough decision has to be made. Right now she is having everything her way, putting lots of work on you and your husband, and telling you that is how she wants it. Do your needs and peace of mind matter to you?
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Just one extra tip which will help with deaf loved ones. You can get phones that have a flashing light instead of a ringer. At least if she sees it flashing she can pick it up and say something so you know she is OK.
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Well you may well be saving her life since she is being stubborn about any other assistance. If you have MPOA, by allowing her to continue to have fractures may put yourself in a position where elder abuse is possible. Anyone who continues to fracture bones is needing professional care and it should be your next move. Get her somewhere she is safe and looked after 24/7 regardless of how much she objects.
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Thank you all so much for your input. She covered up the bedroom camera the other day, so I went over to her house and explained to her that the discharge planner (social worker) released her based on the cameras being functional/or having 24/7 help. I was gentle but firm that we have to be able to check in on her in some way several times per day, and that she doesn't keep the phone on her all the time. She has relented and now the bedroom camera is functioning--and I showed her exactly how much I can see on the app on my phone, even went and sat on the commode to show her that you really can't see much of anything, just the back of the person.

I am the DPOA and MPOA for her but don't know if she is at the point where I can take over those responsibilities completely. She was tested for the cognitive functioning while in rehab. There is some short term memory loss but the biggest problem is poor judgment which is from the stroke that affected the right side of her brain. The extreme stubbornness has been there all of her life. My husband took out her shower doors and is installing another grab bar and we are putting a second commode into her bathroom. Her PCPs have told her she needs to be in assisted living--but patients have their rights and she wants to be in her house.

I believe it will not be long before she has another fall--and if she has another fracture, it may mean that she will end up in long term care rather than assisted living. This was explained to her, but she wants to prove that she will be careful and won't fall again.

Having the cameras has given me a measure of peace about the situation--but no matter where she lives, she is probably going to fall and we won't be able to prevent that. Heck, she fell twice in rehab! And complained so much about the bed alarms that they took them off. Sigh!!
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Oh, and I forgot to say that *I* am the only one that is checking the cameras--no one else has access to that (my hubby set it up and he could see if there is a problem with the DVR, but he has NO desire to see what is going on, lol!!!)
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Hi Junglechicken,

So pleased that this is working out--if only for the moment. You all seem to have accepted the situation and to have done the most and best you can.

All the best!
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The fact that she has some cognitive impairment from a stroke does change the picture. You've handled this beautifully. I love how you showed her just how much you could see by sitting on the toilet and also that you've made a big point that only you can see what is on the camera.

She apparently has the ability to understand this much logic and you have wonderful instincts. She'll eventually need to move to some care situation or allow people in, but for now you are doing what you can while preserving her right to make decisions. Many people do exceptionally well in care facilities, however getting them to make that move can be very difficult. I hope that she will gradually learn to accept more help of some form.

Take care,
Carol
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Sounds like you're doing an excellent job with a very stubborn person. I don't know how anyone could find anything but admiration for you. OTOH I have to wonder why they d/c her to home, even with a camera and/or the pendant.. she is going to fall again and it matters not whether it is in her own home or in some facility. Her end is near, and if she want to be stubborn about it, let it be.
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I have a suggestion about the camera. Consider getting a Canary unit. It is a small sturdy unit that has an app for a mobile phone. You get alerts when it detects movement. So if you place it to monitor an area where you expect your mom to be moving during the day it will send you an alert when she is in that field. You can then watch a clip of what that activity is. If you don't get an alert for a certain length of time you can call and check. You can also watch live if desired. The app also has a built in alarm or emergency call if there is a problem. I like the idea of placing it under the bed, excellent.
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We put cameras in her in-law apt. off our family room due to 5 falls. We did not put one in her bedroom but if she declines more we will. She has her own bathroom and gets changed in there so right now its not a problem. We did our best to put cameras in places where we could see she was OK but still give her privacy. We can see her feet when she's in her chair but not the rest of her. We can see down her outside steps and in and out her door. She seemed comforted knowing we could check in on her when we are not home. Also there is a very good V-tech phone system with a call button that we got her. No monthly fees. You can program 2 push button emergency call numbers or up to 4 voice activated numbers. Maybe move camera in bedroom so you can just see a part of her and know she's there but still hide potty and changing area?
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Several times my aunt wanted none of the choices, but I wrote them down, explained them, and told her she had to pick one. She read them several times, and made her choice, feeling like she had at least some control.
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I’ve been through almost exactly the same situation. My mother hated the fact that we had CCTV cameras installed all over our house and would make it a point to yell at us 7 days a week and twice on a Sunday!
She was adamant that we remove the cameras as she felt it invaded her privacy and did not give her a peace of mind. She even tried to manually remove them a lot of times but as we’d hid the ladder away from her, there wasn’t much that she could do.
Eventually we struck a deal with her whereby we would remove some of the cameras that she felt was an outright violation on her privacy, such as the one in her bedroom.
Also, she was to send me a message saying she was fine at different times during the day, which if she delayed and we found out that she was just lazy or forgot to do, we’d reinstall the cameras. We even had a whole lecture session with her on what to do and what not to do. We made sure that she’d memorized it word by word and reviewed each and every safety/ emergency measure with her before we felt that she was okay to go without all the cameras. That being said, we still have some cameras placed at the entrance, hallway, kitchen etc, which she has allowed to stay.
I’d suggest you lay out some security/monitoring ideas with her to choose from and thrown in some intense security suggestions just so that you can throw them out at negotiations with her.
Sounds like some war pact, I know. But this was the only way that it had worked for me.
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I would definitely do the cameras. My mother has early dementia, but lives in her own rather large home and is ambulatory -- I have 3 cameras set up in strategic locations - bed room facing bed, living room and kitchen, pointing to stove and table - there are night vision cameras from ADT which I can access a visual from phone or iPad. She fought this and sometimes unplugs them but most of the time forgets about it. She has an ADT home security system which I can set remotely. I also have sensors in hallway so I can track when she walks down hall, opens and closes door with times.
This gives me more security when she is alone.
There are some companies (I believe Apple and one Home Depot sells) that have less obtrusive cameras that perhaps you can disguise.
Finally she has a Life Alert type necklace with fall detection which she never uses! The cameras are the only thing she has no control over and complies with.
Hopefully as time passes, she will be less opposed to the cameras.
They're a lifesaver for me! Good luck.
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