My LO who has AD has been at AL for about two months. At first she constantly talked of wanting to go home, but that has stopped. She then asked about going to her home to visit there and see her cat. That is not possible as her cat is gone and her house is being repaired. She cannot go there. I told her I would investigate if that would be possible and she has accepted that.
Now she has asked if I can take her to my parents house to visit with us for the day. She's my mom's first cousin, my second cousin. She is 63 years old and is also disabled due to arthritis.
She has significant dementia and forgets what was said or done only 5 minutes ago, so she repeats the same thing over and over. She also cannot follow a conversation.
I'm afraid if she gets at our house she may refuse to get back in the car to return. Should I take the chance?
I realize I made a big mistake when they went for that visit. I should have taken a photo of us all together in her room and then posted the photo by her bed. Oh well....maybe next time.
I'm going to talk to the resident coordinator about it and get her input. I don't mind taking her places, but I just can't risk her refusing to go back inside the AL. If she does, it will be terrible, because she will have no where to go. I can't stay with her as I help take care of my parents and she can't live alone as she is on meds for diabetes and other health problems, but she can't remember what she did 5 minutes ago.
My mom has severe dementia. I put her in AL last year. My wife insisted we take her home on weekends and holidays as much as we could. She never considered the AL "Home" after that and she was full of anxiety between visits waiting for us to take her to our house. She drove the AL staff bonkers and like your case, she does not know what day it is or remember anything said for 5 minutes. The AL kicked her out and she lives with me now. Next step is NH
Certain relatives and family friends come to visit and 10 minutes later she doesn't even remember the visit. But the important thing is that the resident have as much interaction as possible. We encourage EVERYBODY to come visit, so what if she forgets they came, or their name, it's what's in the moment that's important.
I don't think that many of the other residents go home either. So, I wonder where she gets these ideas of leaving from. I hope the staff isn't suggesting it.
The staff have strict orders to not encourage her to go home or mention her cat. (That had to be returned to the no kill rescue.) But, the housekeeper person was telling her that I could bring the cat there in a carrier for her to visit! I almost lost it. I quickly changed the topic and had the director explain the situation to the housekeeper staff.
I wish you luck, and God Bless you for including her in your life.
I'm glad that you have a good understanding about this, Sunnygirl. These ideas of going home or visiting someone will eventually fade and your loved one will move on.
If you take people in that stage of dementia "home" - well, home isn't what they remember and it just opens a can of worms. Generally, it's best to work through it, re-direct, use all of the diversionary tactics possible and things will move forward. Then, um, repeat as necessary.
Take care,
Carol
It is good that your parents visited her in the assisted living I would encourage them to visit regularly as it may help with the need to leave the assisted living.
I took a much older (in their 90's) father out of a rehab for trips to dinner and mass (Church in his home parish). However, I did not have any restrictions from the nursing home/rehab as they knew I planned to bring him home once he could walk and make his transitions from bed to chair etc. Even at 90 I thought it premature to place my father in a nursing home if he could be happier at home with home health aides. He kept his mental abilities but needed much help with mobility and an array of health issues.
Good luck, try to manage to balance the time with your parents and the assisted living family member. Others will let you do everything while they sit back and don't inconvenience themselves. Even with memory troubles, the elderly do remember who visits and who does not. More importantly, to insure acceptable to good treatment for the one in the assisted living, the staff needs to know someone is concerned about her well being and will make sure things are done for her. Otherwise, the lady with the mental problems will be written off.
It's also necessary even if the person's dementia is so advanced that he or she does not recognize family or remember visits. On some level they know someone cares. We will never truly know how much a person with advanced Alzheimer's understands or remembers so we must stress dignity and love.
In reference to the Lizann's question, younger onset Alzheimer's can happen to people in their 40s, 50s and 60s, so if I understand the original question correctly, age isn't the issue - it's the stage of the disease.
When the home someone remembers is one that no longer exists (but he or she thinks it does) that indicates that cognitively they are in an era that no longer exists. That's the reason for not taking the person back to a home that is no longer the home they remember.
For most elders without dementia, nostalgic trips can be therapeutic and provide entertainment. There's a huge difference between a cognitively healthy elder and someone with dementia.
Great comments and insights from everyone here. You are all amazing.
Carol
I'm trying to recruit my bothers and their wives to visit her, even though she won't remember it. She only has one cousin on her dad's side of the family who still shows any concern for her. She sent her a card, but has never followed through on visiting. She is elderly and I sort of understand it.
I contacted the ALF about arranging for another visitor to visit with my cousin during the week. They signed her with a volunteer from the local church who visits with her one day per week. It's sad, because my cousin doesn't remember it.
I just have to accept that she won't recall many visits and focus on the present time, knowing she may not have memories of it. I am going to start taking pictures, so I can post them in her room.
My mother is 87, has dementia and is also in AL. Her short term memory is probably closer to 15 seconds than 5 minutes. I might go for a visit, leave her apartment to get her some ice cream in the ice cream parlor, and when I return to her apartment about two minutes later, she thinks I have just arrived. My mother needs 24 hour supervision to keep her safe. When she was living independently, she would forget to eat, wear the same clothing for days, forget to take her meds, leave faucets running and just sit in her chair. Thankfully, she never left the stove on because she forgot to cook. In home help would not work unless it was 24 hours per day, which is cost prohibitive. At the going rate of $20 per hour, the care alone would cost over $14,000 per month. Then there would be rent, utilities, food and housekeeping. Her money would be gone in about a year. My mom lives in a beautiful facility with three meals each day, help with meds, dressing, bathing and housekeeping. The most important thing is that she is no longer isolated. She eats her meals at a table with three other ladies, and she goes to activities and entertainment daily. The monthly cost is slightly over $3,000. It appears that Sunnygirl is dealing with the same circumstances, and AL is the best choice in terms of both lifestyle and cost.
Now, about the outings. I take my mother to all of her medical and dental appointments. Even a trip to the doctor causes confusion and stress. All the way there, she asks "Where are we going? Have I been there before? Where is my purse? Did we bring my walker? What street are we on? Whose car is this?" and then the questions are repeated and repeated and repeated. Even after returning to her apartment, she is stressed for the rest of the day. We bring her to my house for holidays and family dinners. She never lived in this house, so it is not "home" to her. Now, after over three years in AL, she usually wants to return to her apartment after just a couple of hours. I think these visits are also stressful for her, but she seems to enjoy herself while she is here, because she gets to see family members who live out of town or who don't visit her often. I have decided that when the stress seems to exceed the enjoyment, the visits will stop. Maybe you could take your cousin for a ride or a trip for ice cream and see how she does. If she gets stressed or very confused, perhaps it would be better not to take her for visits to your parents.
Tell them they will go there soon. Which is true.
Why are you so keen on getting her out and about? Just because she is asking, or are you concerned that she's not getting enough stimulation in her residence? By all means talk to the staff about it, it's a good idea to see yourself as part of her overall care team.
That being said however, every person is different, so just go by your own gut feeling.
I think a trip for ice cream or something would be a very good first start.
I went to visit her yesterday at the N H and found out she has no recollection of that three months. None at all. She doesn't even think she is in a nursing home. She told me yesterday that they hadn't fed her for two days which she truly believes. She believes my one sister has never visited her which is not true. I found this visit so discouraging. While I know that the visits and so on are important to her I have come to the realization that I am doing all this mostly for myself cause the guilt I feel when I think about not visiting is too strong. My mom on the other hand probably wouldn't even notice if I didn't visit for a while. My siblings have tried to get it across to me that I need to move on and let my Mom be but the guilt just eats me up inside.
I used to think once my Mom was settled in a facility that I would stop worrying myself to death about her and just breath easy about things but I don't think now that I will ever be able to do this and yesterdays visit really saddened me a lot for some reason. Seeing the faces of the other residents when I walk out of the place knowing that some of them never get a visit from a loved one even makes me feel guilty. How do I get past this? Does anyone out there know anything that makes this easier?