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I feel guilty even sharing this because I know ultimately it is a lot harder for them to get out and do this, but on the other hand I would rather do ANYTHING else than this. But I also feel like I am posting this for someone to tell me "that sounds really tough" and just be here with me mentally.



I'm only 25. I am heat sensitive, hot natured, and overheat as a side effect of two meds I take, but I am going to have to push a really heavy wheelchair tomorrow. The last time I did this, I was sore for DAYS just to be frank they are not a light person and pushing 300+ is really difficult for me. I struggle with depression and this person was an integral part in creating some of the issues I have, so seeing them struggle with their depression and have no quality of life etc is really hard, but I can only do so much.



Getting out of the home, down the steps and curb and into the car is about 20 to 30 minutes of tears, saying really sad things out loud, saying they can't do it, etc. it is really a lot. I feel like I am just not equipped for whatever will happen tomorrow.



They have not showered since the last time at the doctor which was like 6 months ago. I am kind of scared that I might be looked at as neglectful even though I do not live with this person.



I can't underscore how much I feel like I really cannot handle doing this. I just got really bad news at home (we have to move unexpectedly), I have a $8k car repair hanging over my head, work is going to be really leaning on me this next month while a few people are out, and I would really do anything at all to not do this.



The more I write the more helpless I feel. I'm sure there is an insurance provided service that can help with this but I'm not involved in her insurance. I might just pay one of the services from online out of pocket. I can't explain to anyone here how much I dread this, how I am not ready for any of the things I will see or hear, how I almost can not push this wheelchair. I don't even want to post this because it's just solidifying that it is tomorrow. I hate this and I wish I was not here. I am not in danger it just literally makes me feel this bad.



Thank you for reading if you made it this far.



Also, after re-reading, I want to indicate that a couple doctor trips a year is not all I do. There is much more that I do not have the bandwidth to detail here.

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I’m heat sensitive too - been that way since I was a kid - and tomorrow is going to suck but YOU’VE GOT THIS!

You probably know all the tricks, and aren’t asking for advice, but I’ve found evaporative cooling is best. A friend showed me she wets her hair, and then keeps it in a bun at the base of her neck which keeps her hair damp longer and looks more okay in public. Not sure if you have longer hair but damp hair does help me a lot. If it’s really raging hot I just dump water on my head…don’t care what people think if it beats overheating!

On my caretaking task days I tell myself this is like being in the army and I just have to Do. My. Job. It’s a posting and I can’t abandon my post. Might sound odd but this perspective helps me most times.

I hope you have something nice planned at the end of your day. And by nice I mean simple, like, a glass of cold beer or reading sci-if before bed. Anything. After I see my mom I often do a crossword puzzle at home or on a park bench. Whatever is easy!

Wishing you the best…
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My question, is why are you the one who has to do this? My nephew has ballooned up during COVID. He recently lost about 30#. I have told him, I will not be pushing you around in a wheelchair.

See if Office of aging has a Senior bus. They are equipped for wheelchairs. They should come in to get the person, take them to the bus and take them into the office. You can go with them or they can go alone. If the person is on Medicaid, they provide transportation.

My next question is does this person really have to see a Dr as often as they are. I cut down on a lot of Moms visits. Lots of practises have Nurse Practioners see if one can visit. No one should be pushing a 300# person. Unless its a big strong man.
Does this person have an aide?

My husband has a cloth that you soak in cold water. You wring the water out and the material is such it does not feel wet. He wraps it around his neck and it keeps him cool.
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You should not be pushing a 300 #s of anything that will leave you sore for days. You're lucky so far that you have not really hurt yourself physically and not be able to work for weeks or months.

Look up your local Area of Aging Agency and ask for help on medical transportation.

Who is this person to you? and how did you get to be the one who has to do this work for him/her?

Don't feel embarrassed or guilty to vent. You are burn out from helping too much. So, vent all you want.
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Well this DOES sound really tough and a horrible thing you're feeling obliged to do for a loved one, at your own expense. I'm not sure you're physically capable of pushing a 300 lb person around in a wheelchair, and doing so may injure YOU as a result. I think you need to consider that possibility/probability in this equation, and find another way to transport this loved one to the doctor. She can pay for a wheelchair van/taxi service to drive her to the doctor and you can accompany her. Why not arrange for this yourself and see if your loved one is agreeable to paying for it? If not, you should let her know that you're not physically capable of moving her down the stairs, out of the house, and into the car; it's causing you to be sore for days afterward and taking too much of a toll on your body now. You're happy to accompany her in the van she's paying for, but that's all you can do. When my parents were wheelchair bound, there was NO WAY I was able to transport them in my car, so I hired a wheelchair accessible van or cab and had them transported that way, which is why I'm suggesting it to you. I simply do not have the strength to haul people and their wheelchairs anywhere by myself; it's too much for me, even if I 'want' to do it, I am not able.

That is my suggestion. As far as you doing 'much more' for this person that you can't go into detail about, perhaps it's time to review what toll it's taking on your mental health to provide this care. What can you cut out and cut back on in terms of care? What can you dole out to others or even pay for (maybe) that would take the load off of YOU? You don't say who this person is that you feel obliged to care for. Is there someone else who can help you share the duties, perhaps? In the end, you have to weigh it all out: are these duties taking too big a toll on YOU to warrant doing? How can you release some of these duties but still help this person? Those are questions only you can answer.

I hope you can figure out a way to help your loved one but also care for yourself in this situation. Wishing you the best of luck finding a solution that works for both of you.
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Why? Why do you do any of it? And how did you become the person who does it?
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MJ1929 Aug 2022
^^^These are the questions that need to be answered.

Who made you responsible for any of this?

I'll also add that an $8,000 car repair is only worth it if your car is brand-new. Don't get it fixed, sell it, as-is, and get another car.
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It sounds as though getting this person to an outside doc appointment is too much for THEM!!!

Call the Area Agency on Aging and find a doc who will come to the home. Or call current doc and ask if s/he has a nurse or PA who does home visits.

Stop killing yourself.
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How did you get roped into doing this? Contact the office on aging or even the doctor's office to see if there is a cheap medical transport available. I also second cutting out the unnecessary appointments.
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I hear you, and I do understand. I physically would not be able to do what you are doing.

Maybe pretend that you are a stranger, and “The Real You” is not available. You are this other Care Manager. As the Care Manager, you would have to figure out another way to get this person to the doctor. “The real you” isn’t around. So, the Care Manager would figure out a van, a transport service, or SOMETHING to get this client to the doc. THEY would figure it out. You can, too.

You are not this person’s slave. You do not have to get injured or overheated by this task. Why should this person’s needs be more important than YOURS?

You are important. You matter.
Best wishes to you.
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Natasana Aug 2022
Liked this answer! I too find it helpful to look at it from the outside, then handle it that way. No emotion, no stake, just like it's a job. Puts things into perspective. Makes the focus on practicality. Just knocking down dominoes one at a time.
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I hear you on the not showering thing and the embarrassment of it.
My mother has refused to bathe for years and is always disgusting, and I am horrified when I visit that people think I think this is acceptable.

also, the sheer effort of caring for the person who caused a lot of your own suffering is just the worst. I am sorry, it is very hard. Try to go inward and count your breaths and remind yourself that you survived, and are surviving, in spite of their actions. They do not define you.

if there is any way to get help, get it. Worth it for your physical and mental health.

i wish you all the strength and grace you need to get through.
DO take care of yourself first (just like they say to when the oxygen masks drop from overhead on a plane). Hang in there!!! let us know how it goes. (Also, put some ice packs in the freezer now and stick them inside your shirt tomorrow if that might help—even a couple otter pops could help!!)
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I did read your entire post and thank you for posting it.

A lot of these medical professionals who are insistent on the "come back in 3-6 months" formula for practicing medicine simply do not understand what caregivers go through just to get that person there so doctor/NP/PA can spend a few moments with them - primarily discussing things which are already established. If they had to do it themselves, there would either be a lot more telehealth visits or a lot more "see you in a year."

Anyway, I agree that your person needs other transportation - such as a wheelchair accessible van. I do want to pass on something that I learned the hard way though - When hiring a van/driver, make SURE they can actually do what you need done. For example, some drivers will NOT go inside a dwelling to get the person - the person needs to be ready to go and waiting outside. Some drivers will not lock up the house or unlock it upon return - the patient has to be able to do this.

Recently, I had a van take my LO to the doctor and the plan was that I would meet her there. Well, the night before the appointment, my battery light clicked on in my car. I was suddenly without a way to get to the appointment. Ended up getting a rideshare to the appointment and opted to walk home. You may or may not have those options, but you will want to consider what would happen if LO got to the appointment and you were not there or were running late.
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caregiver exhaustion is a real thing....sounds like you may be already there or heading in that direction. If you are the designated pcg and or poa who can communicate with this person's physician, speak with the physician about the extreme challenge this is with transporting patient and also about the patient hygiene issues you mention. Ask physician to refer pt. and you to a competent Case Manager/Social Worker ( if pt is cognitively alert and able to make own decisions) to help both of you look at options going forward. You certainly do not want to injure yourself transporting someone or doing other tasks with or for them. it sounds like a new assessment of the patient status, needs and options is in order . Prayers and peace..... JM
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Is this a family member? This sounds hard and not something i think you should do any longer. They have paratransit and such for people to take to the doctor.

Sounds like you need to step back and stop doing for this person.

Why is this person even bothering going to the doctor anyway? It sounds like they have already given up on life so why prolong the agony?
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Isthisrealyreal Aug 2022
The challenge with paratransit is that you must be able to get out to them, load and unload and transport yourself to your appointment from the van or bus. They do not push wheelchairs around for the passengers.

They do offer discounted rides for the helper and low vision assistance is free rides.
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It is incredibly hard and with the summer heat here in Florida I had to find another solution.

There are " Visiting Physician Agencies". I had to change my mom's insurance so I could use Visiting Physicians. It has been a lifesaver! We also use a mobile lab company and a mobile imaging company for x-rays & ultrasound!!!!!!

Do everything you can to make life easier for you.
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It's time the doctors office understands that getting this women to their office is just too much for you and her and it's time to schedule only online visits(Zoom)here on out. Yes, all doctors now offer that service, since Covid.
It's also time for you to take care of yourself, as it sounds like your mental health is suffering greatly. You have to be able to take care of yourself before you can even think of trying to take care of someone else. And if that someone else is a person who causes you such angst it's time to relinquish that care to someone else.
And if there is no one else, you call APS and report a vulnerable adult and let them take it from there.
Please start making yourself a priority by taking better care of yourself. No where is it written that we are under any obligation to care for someone(even if it's a parent)if we ourselves are not equipped to do so, and it causes our health to suffer. So stop the nonsense and get your life back!!!
Sending blessings your way!
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You may want to call a medical transportation company for this. While they aren't cheap, it's worth the cost when you consider that you don't really want to mess your back up getting the person up and down the stairs. And I would bring up the cost with the patient. If they can't or won't pay for it, it may be worth the charge. And then let the person know you can't take them to doctor in the future unless you have some help.
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You are 25, you need to be starting your life not burdened with someone that was not loving or kind to you. Does this family member have the means to hire a part-time caregiver? The caregiver can then take them to dr appointments. It's ok to feel resentful and burnt out, caregiving for an elderly person is hard, and is compounded when you never had a good relationship with that person in the first place. Look into a part-time caregiver, do not pay from your own money, look into Medicaid help if your family members doesn't have the funds. Or even a medical transport company can help on an as-needed basis. If it's causing this much stress for you, it's time to look for other solutions. This does not make you a bad person, we all have to set boundaries to cope with caregiving.
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The person who you are enabling should be in AL or a SNF. There are facilities where a doctor goes to the facility for the routine care. The person should be paying their own way or be on Medicaid rather than risking the caregiver's health
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Say no.
No I cannot do this.
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As to a little more advice..

1st sentence sums it up; "Taking relative to the Doctor is too hard".

2nd sentence;
"I just need to vent".
Do you?

3rd sentence;
"Any advice?"
Yes. Change sentence #2. Remove the word VENT (it was a good start - let's move on). Replace with MAKE CHANGES.
Eg: Taking relative to the Doctor is too hard. So I have to make changes.
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So now you have vented and have been told its OK to say No and Beatty saying changes need to be made, what other stuff do you do for this person? How are they related, male/female. Their age? Why is it you that has this responsibility?

I was retired at 62 when Moms Dementia became evident. I was lucky my nephew lived with her. When she lost her license even though I didn't realize it at the time, I set boundries. By 62 I knew how you could be dragged into things that eventually you had a hard time getting out of. I had stopped volunteering because of this. You ask, I have the time, I will do it. Doesn't mean there will be a next time. Appts were made on my time. Since I am not a morning person, it was afternoon appts. When I worked, I rarely took off for appts. I only did if there were no other options.

I took Mom grocery shopping once a week and other errands were done then. I gave her a white board to write things down she needed. If she needed a prescription and it wasn't an emergency, I picked it up when going thru town. If I have too much coming at me at one time, I get overwhelmed. If I had worked, things would have been different. She would have taken the senior bus to shop and run errands. Or pay someone to take her.

The one big thing I did was cutting back on Dr visits. Moms PCP had her coming back every two months. I asked her why, she had no idea. My Mom was only on cholesterol and B/P meds at the time. When I took her the first time to the PCP the Nurse, family friend, as why was she back there. I said have no idea but if he says "so what are we here for today" I won't be bringing her unless she is sick or needs refills for her meds. He said it and I did not make that 2 month appt. Her specalists, once she was stable, one was 6 months because of her graves desease and the other one year just to watch a thickening in her stomach, that had not gotten any larger and was thought it was because of her gerd, a year. No reason to continue with a specialist if stable and your PCP can take over. Go back to the specialist if needed. And I would definitely not be pushing a 300# person around. If the wheelchair has the large wheels, the person can push themselves maybe with some help.
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I'd add 'immediately' to Beatty's advice. DON'T GO. Cancel - or let the 300lb person cancel with the real reason that both of you won't be there. The idea of doing this is between ridiculous and self-abusive. It's dangerous for both of you.
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The post doesn’t give info about how this 300 lb. person gained so much importance in your life. Whatever that process was, this is a new day and you don’t have to be bound by the bad choices that person has made. (Becoming 300 lbs. that someone else is expected to push around in the heat. Not bathing, which is a big clue that Big Person has something mental going on and needs help.) Suggestion: tell Big Person that you’re not able to do it anymore. Allow Big Person to freak out as you walk out. Don’t answer phone calls, don’t go back. Something tells me that Big Person will miraculously find someone else to deal with the problems. You could send a note to the doctor and explain. That will probably kick off a visit from a social worker and someone to deal with the mental health issues. You are way over your head here, and that’s not your fault. It’s perfectly acceptable to just give up. Let go…..and breathe.
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