Moms still In the hospital but ech day I grab for the phone I dread what she will say. I know I have to learn to talk on her level but its like she puts me down and blames me for her condition. I sometimes dont even want to call, but guilt gets the best of me. Im trying to find a separate place for her to live cause from hearing stories on here theres no way Id put my kids or husband through this.
I need help on how to handle being with her cause shes not who she used to be and Im scared of her. Please help!!!
Do you have a more specific diagnosis, as to the type of dementia your mother has? Sometimes that can help you understand what is happening to her and what to expect.
The type of dementia my husband has (LBD) does not usually involve not recognizing familiar people, but he did go through a very brief period early on when he did not recognize our children, etc. One day he was sitting on the couch and as I walked through the living room, he asked politely if I had a moment to talk to him. I sat on the couch with him and he said in a quiet scared voice, "I know this is strange, but I don't know who I am. Do you know?" I don't know how I didn't burst out crying, but in a calm matter-of-fact way I told him that yes, I knew who he was. He was a kind, intelligent man. He had been a successful mechanical engineer before he retired. I was his wife of 30 years, and we had children who loved him. He had a very good mind but it wasn't working quite right at the moment. Even when he didn't know who he was, I knew, and I would always see that he was taken care of and that I wouldn't let anything bad happen to him.
OMG! Can you even imagine sitting on a couch in a place you didn't recognize, wondering who you were? And not knowing if you could trust the people surrounding you? That may be an extreme example, but I think our loved ones with dementia have many disorienting or terrifying lapses in their basic view of the world. The real wonder is that they are not all belligerent and aggressive all the time.
Ruth, the world is a little better place for a few of these hurting souls because of your kindness and understanding.
Treating people with damaged brains is VERY complicated with our present state of knowledge. Working closely with a doctor who is committed to maintaining and improving quality of life is critical. Often it involved some try-and-try again experimentation with drugs.
I just read the two articles that Karie H. suggested, and they're very helpful. I have my 94 year old aunt at home with me - and it's a challenge, to say the least, and she's not abusive! It's just rough. One thing you may want to consider if you take your mom in, is to get as much outside support as you can. Adult day care is great if it's available - my aunt goes 3 times weekly for 8 hours a day. She gets field trips, lots of activities, exercise, and bingo. On Fridays, a deacon brings communion for the Catholics, and my aunt loves being part of that. There is also bible study and lots of singing. And once a month I put her in respite care for a weekend, so I can recharge. If these options are available for you where you live, they would help tremendously. Get all the support you can, all the information you can, and ask a lot of questions. A great resource, besides agingcare.com, are the resources they provide and also Alzheimer's Reading Room. Hope this helps!
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