This entire week Mom's in-home, Medicare helpers have been calling me. They act as though my Mom has been "abandoned" and there is no one there to help her but them. Then the condescension starts, "did you know your Mom needs this and that?..." Of course, I think my Mom loves the attention and plays the orphan card.
Doctors are another treat. Their favorite thing to do is order tests for minor ailments. When I question the reason for the tests they get snarky. Many of these tests just wear Mom out then they never call us with the results.
And last, but not least, calling the front desk at a doctor's office to get an appointment for an immediate, minor need and being told to take Mom to the emergency room.
Mom is close to being a shut in. Her physical health is very fragile and even getting in and out of the car is painful. But when I try to explain this to these people, they act as though they've never dealt with an elderly person.
The last straw was when we went to Mom's previous PC doc. Her nurse told Mom to hike her little 5'1" body onto a high exam table, didn't want to help her (or even touch her), then left her sitting without back support for several minutes. Just inhumane or perhaps ignorant. Needless to say Mom now has a new doc who is also a gerantologist.
Anyway, I try to keep a civil tongue and pleasant tone, but the patronizing and callous way some medicos treat seniors makes me wonder what it will be like when I am older. LIke calling seniors "dear" or reffering to my Mother as "Mom" instead of using her name. It is just a nother step to losing one's identity as we age. I wish someone would create a training course on modern "bedside manner" for seniors. (I can tell right now that I will not make a very good "little old lady")
Anyone have some techniques for dealing with medical people that yield positive and less stressful results?
Here are the questions that plague me: Does it not take the same amount of time and energy to be helpful, courteous, and kind to patients as it does to be nasty, mean-spirited, and hateful? WHY on earth do docs hire these creeps? (it can't be good for business). I have also noticed that docs hire these "bulldogs" because they keep the flow of patients coming in and out - can you say "KA-CHING?" - then they act so innocent when that same bulldog bites someone who won't put up with it. Caregivers have so much on our plates without having to encounter grief from the doctor's "little helpers." But the buck stops with the doc, he or she creates the atmosphere in the office, trains the staff, and sets the tone.
There are SO many doctors out there, even in our small town, I think we all need to just "shop" for and demand better services.
I used to dread my mother's intake with one of the medical assistants in a doctor's office. The MA displayed no common sense and/or patience in communicating with an elderly individual.
I allowed the poor treatment to slide that one time, but if it were to come up again, I would ask for another assistant for my mother's intake. It's not worth it. I think some healthcare practitioners forget who their customers are. You think?
Pick your battles, and don't allow yourself to run into the ground, Lilli. Both you and your Mom deserve better. Hang in there. It can be emotionally draining, I know. It's not you!
As a caregiver we get grief from both ends: from family members as well as medical companies who try to pilfer senior's pockets. We are stuck in the middle, trying to do the right thing, and getting "attitude" for it in return.
But as you said, we have to be "dilligent." At the end of the day, I know that the decisions I make for Mom are with her needs in mind, not for my own interests.
Take care,
Lilli
My mom often plays into the condescension & milks it for all it's worth. The "poor me" waif comes out & eats it up.
Esp. when it comes to social workers; I am left entirely out of the picture but later berated for fabricated wrongs and spoken to as illiterate and negligent by someone I've never met. Mom may or may not know what she says to a social worker may harm me, but she thinks she's clever and to her that's all that matters.
"Proffesionals" often use the elderly as "cash cows" with no real concern for the individual at all. I have found this to be the case so many times, having had to dismiss visiting nurses and doctors that had dollar signs in their eyes when supposedly treating my mother.
The growing greed and lack of work ethic has angered me greatly. They will reap what they have sown, but in the mean time we are all cheated. Our tax dollars pay for the medicare which funds the medical monsters that have the audacity to disrespect us as well as rob us financially.
I'm glad you found another doctor for your mom. We have to be dilligent.
Another part of it, I believe, is in professional development. Medical schools need to focus more on the "soft skills." So much healing can be accomplished when a patient and his or her family feel as though they are being respected. And I agree with you, these current behaviors should be a part of the "stone age."
I fear that this is just an underlying symptom of a greater problem. We live in a "youth-fixated" era. During the turn of the last century children were "seen but not heard." I think we are seeing the reverse. The end result is that elders lives and well-bieng are not valued. The media treats elders as if old age were a contagious disease. We are creating a climate wherein we fear growing older so the result is warehousing seniors and separating them from the greater population. No wonder we are seeing more Alzheimers/Dementia. I wonder if some of it comes from social deprevation.
Anyway, things must change and they need to change with the individual. It is interesting that we tolerate ageist sterotypes in the way we accepted sexist or racist slurs several decades ago. Personally, I no longer tolerate ageist verbiage from anyone and I make sure that my Mother's wishes are known and understood. However, being an advocate is tiring and it is taking it's toll on me.
Thanks again for your input...always appreciated.
Lilli
I believe in talking with medical people with respect and trying to "make friends," but when they act like this, you may have to just tell them you'd appreciate being treated as part of the care team and not as an intruder.
It is hard to get anyone in to see a doctor "right away", so being told that if it's an immediate need she needs to go to ER is likely a way to protect themselves.
It's hard, I know, to strike a balance between being friendly and being in charge. You have to go with your gut. But I'd certainly correct anyone who calls your mom something she doesn't like, but saying nicely, while looking at your mom, "You like to be called.....don't your, Mom?" Set an example by not talking in front of her.
You won't fix this all at once. Finding new doctors, new agencies, etc. can help, but that is frustrating, too. Maybe others on the forum have some answers.
Take care,
Carol