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My dad is 82, with moderate dementia. He has been living in AL for 5 months. His home is 400 miles away from where he now lives (I moved him close to me). There is no immediate financial need to sell his home, however the upkeep and care is time consuming and difficult.

I would like to have an estate sale, then sale his home. But I'm not sure if I should tell him. He knows he needs to sell his house. He talks about selling it. But he is overwhelmed when he thinks about all his "stuff" and the work involved with deciding what to keep and how to clear it out. My dad has a lot of "stuff" from his grandparents. Much of that is battered and probably trash, but they all hold memories for him.

I am wondering if it would be less stressful for him (and me) if I move forward on this without telling him. Or would it hurt him more if/when he were to learn about it later?

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A couple of things come to mind: he needs to be reassured you will handle this for him, Not to worry. I would let him be in on it by giving weekly or bi monthly updates and getting his blessing to proceed.
If possible save 2 or 3 very special things from his Grandparents. If this is not the case, order a trash bin from waste management and start tossing. You may find something of at least sentimental value and of value to your family such as photos, antique guns, etc. ( My Mother had shoes in original boxes from the 30s. I figured what she had not used in 60 years she was not going to miss, especially since she had dementia and couldn't see from macular degeneration. But you never know.)
You need to gauge his awareness of the house situation by asking test questions. Pick something he may have always been interested in-- like sports, investments, cars, whatever-- and ask him a pertinent question. If he seems overwhelmed, confused, or over it, that would seem a sign you could move forward.
All the best to you:) xo
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I agree with Christina. He needs to be told at least once, just as you'd tell someone about a death. Then, reassure him that you are handling it. Ask him about his favorite memories and try to save some things even if you have to store them for awhile, as you never know when he'll want something later on. You may want to take detailed pictures of many items, and do save photographs and other special memorabilia. Good luck to you. This won't be easy but it makes sense to move on with the project. Do so gently and with compassion and you should do okay.
Take care,
Carol
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I wouldn't if I were you. He may have dementia, but he still has feelings. It would be easier on you, but it would probably hurt his feelings and he may want to give certain things to certain people, etc. My mother-in-law did this - gave things away that we had no idea who they previously belonged to and the recipients as well as my mother-in-law loved it. And my cousin did what you're thinking about doing to her mother (my aunt) and it made her feel like everything she worked for and prized in her home was worthless. So it didn't go over very well. Just my opinion.
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I agree with Christina, if your dad can handle updates without having a meltdown then by all means let him know basically what you are planning. Maybe you can select a few items and show them to him so he knows he can trust you not to dump everything that he holds dear, if that's how he actually feels. He may not express concern that you are getting rid of his belongings now but as dementia progresses, he may lash out. At least with your updates, that part of his mind can be at ease and not stress him somewhere down the line. Just a suggestion.
I've found that this age group likes to hold onto their personal stuff maybe more so than our generation. It's probably because so many of them didn't have a lot, they worked hard for the money to purchase it and were taught never to waste. It may not be an issue with your dad. My dad didn't get upset to "clean house" but wow my mother sure did. I think she kept every twist tie she ever had!
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Thank you. That helps quite a bit. I'll start by asking him about specific items, like a table he once suggested giving to my nephew. I'll also take some pictures of some items and ask him about them individually... like a tea set, trunk or cup collection.

It may sound weird.. but I feel like a kid who is afraid of "getting into trouble". I know he will be mad at me and that makes me sad.
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It's understandable you feel this way and doesn't sound weird. It's quite normal Es0torok. It's not easy being a caregiver and also dealing with the realization that we have to reverse roles with our parents now. We usually want to always remain the child and them the parent, but as our parents live longer now and some getting Alz/Dementia, we are finding out that isn't possible. It sounds like you've got a great idea of taking pictures and asking him about certain things, etc. And like I found out, you'll probably find out some pretty cool information about the stuff you've been seen sitting around their house that you never knew. Good luck!!
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I think you have the right idea Es0torok. Let your Dad know what you're thinking about doing and discuss it with him. Not only is the house not doing him any good 400 miles away, it might be a target for robbers, fire, etc. You might take pictures of all the rooms from every angle, so that you get photos of everything there is. Then sit down with him and go though the pictures; he can look at what he has and decide whether there are items he wants to give away to family or friends, or if there are some items he'd like to keep with him where he now lives. The rest could be sold. Is the house still in his name, or are you on the deed? Do you have power of attorney to sell the house? Otherwise he'll have to know that you plan to sell the house as he'll have to sign the papers when its sold.
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I agree with everyone so far....don't leave your dad in the dark about this. No need to overburden him but he does need to have some part in it, even if it is just being informed. This is closing a BIG chapter in his life. The biggest chapter, no doubt. Even with dementia, people need to find closure when closing chapters.
Also, it might set his mind at ease, somewhat, since you say he's had it on his own mind but is daunted by the enormity of the task. If he knows you are doing it, and is involved to the degree best for his level of functioning (and only you would know best as far as that goes), then it will be more like you are doing it TOGETHER. As family.
He will know you value his life and efforts and his identity, even. Something that I'm sure is a major issue for those transitioning from independent living to assisted living of any level.

Good luck. You've got a big task and I don't envy you. Makes me glad I'm staying in the house I grew up in and which mom and I live in together now for the last 10 years. She kept a lot of stuff, too, and I always shuddered to think of the headache if she ever moved...knowing she'd never want to move to another home, I doubted I'd have to face that or at least not alone. Now I can do it at my leisure. And I'm happy I don't have to think about doing it yet.
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Es0torok, when my father-in-law died and my mother-in-law was moved into asst living a year later, she wanted to divvy out everything she didn't take with her to the kids and grand-kids. So my husband (her #3 son) and our son, contacted the other family members and planned a day for everyone to show up and go thru their stuff. I took her to the house, got her comfortable in a chair, and the family came. She had more fun seeing everyone and being a part of what was going on around her. What the family didn't take we donated, so everything went eventually. My son and his wife are currently renting the little house, but we'll sell when she needs the money for her care or she dies. Don't know if that's doable for you guys, but it worked for us. Of course she doesn't remember anything about that now, but she did then. And I've learned to live in the moment with her and dementia, so no biggie. ♥
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Nancy, I am glad that worked out well for you. We have considered having a family member move in, but have found no takers. The property is a couple of acres and no one has the time or desire to maintain it. :(

I'm not sure taking my dad to his house old be a good move. He has always had OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder) and the dementia has made it much worse. I fear we (meaning me) would not get anything done and would leave there feeling exhausted and angry.

Right now, any trip outside the ALF causes him a great deal of stress and confusion. I cant imagine what a 12 hour round trip would do.
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Es0torok,

I think mum's the word is the best way to proceed. My mom is OCD and moved in with us two months after my dad died. Boxes to the ceiling everywhere! She only allowed me to go through the stuff between 11 and 1 everyday when she was up to it. She drank vodka and got emotional and I got nothing done because everything had an attachment. Bad! It was horrible. She had almost 100 holiday wreaths we burned in the firepit. Our house was exploding with stuff!

We secretly got rid of old Cool Whip containers and tons of crap in the middle of the night when she was asleep. I prefer to reserve that space for our cars.

I could only take my mom living here for three months. Her stuff was the dealbreaker and her OCD.

In your dad's case, and my mom's now, ignorance is bliss. For me too as it's just stuff. Not like we're going to take it with us!

Don't do it, please. It would cause you and your dad too much stress. It's really not worth it.
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windytown, so glad to hear you say this. I was about to have a serious pause for thought. I have decided to handle my father's home like this. I am going to go there and bring a u-haul. I will put everything he has that isn't trash like old bills and newspapers in the trailer for storage. I am bringing it all back to my town and putting it in storage. I will keep all of his mementos and either bring the boxes to the NH and let him see them and decide or if he says he doesn't care ( I suspect he will say that because his dementia has progressed), I will determine if I think someone in our family might like it or if not, it might be valuable to sell or donate. I will be giving away some old furniture that isn't worth much. I will be keeping pieces that he has had a legacy items. I know which ones they are (they aren't the particle board desk from Walmart :). We will keep those in our family. I will go through his photos and distribute them the way I think he would want. As far as my father, he cannot make hardly any decisions even about basic choices so something like a whole house or even when to do it or what is out of the question. I feel that a person needs to gauge their own elder to make the decision. Each person is at a different stage and in my father's case, he gets upset and feels like a failure if he can't recall things. I don't want to stress him out yet I want to retain the things that I know he would think were important. The him that was there before this blasted disease took his brain over. It is sad but it needs to be done and if I bring them to him a little at a time he can sit in a chair and look through them. I can help him to sort it and see his reactions. If it means something or if he can't even tell. The more I go through this the more I see how ultimately sad the whole situation is. He has taken a turn for worse in the dementia and having to be restrained since he keeps trying to get up and "go find his daddy" who has been dead since 1961. I am like many of you on a rollercoaster and it just seems as if this disease it like a thief. Stealing a person's memory away. hard week over here. thx for this forum, I know you all know how I feel.
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I understand how you feel about "getting into trouble". I have that same feeling everyday related to my mother. I always think...what if this is some big mistake and she will recover? She is going to kill me! I know the right thing to do is to tell your dad, but I don't know if it is the best thing to do. The emotional distress that he may experience may be more than expected. You know him best. I just moved some land out of my mom's name into mine and my brother's names. I didn't tell her. She would not have handled it well. Good luck and God bless.
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Windytown, I had to laugh at the Cool Whip containers comment. We also had a couple of huge boxes full of them!! We also have coffee cans, large planters peanut plastic containers, and Popsicle sticks.. Many many Popsicle sticks. It is so crazy, but it made me start looking closer at the things I have in my own house.
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Abby33, yes! That is what I think.. "I made a mistake and he will recover". I fight those thoughts daily.

I had never considered that the right thing to do is not always the same as the best thing to do. I may need to write that down and stick it on my bathroom mirror.
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Before you do though take a ton of pictures of absolutely everything exactly as it is in the house.

My Mom was furious with me for selling a lamp that was in her living room, but it was in her apartment. If I hadn't had the picture of the lamp I wouldn't have been able to convince her otherwise.

They are also good memories that I have on a photo frame for her.
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No, let him find out for himself when he's homeless and out on the street. :-) W
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We have the opposite troubles.. My Brother in Law took it upon himself with only a Health Power of Attorney signed by my In Laws.. To overtake their entire Trust and Bank Accounts without their consent. Legal =No.. Unfortunately we had to obtain a Lawyer for my In Laws to get back their own interest. My Brother in Law just had an estate auction without allowing my In Laws to review what was to be sold.. We found out a few days before the auction and got the paperwork filed in time but not signed by a Judge before the auction took place. We have now filed for Conservator/Guardian for my In Laws best interest and will be also obtaining a Guardian ad Litem for them hopefully this week before other items are sold without their consent.. Not sure how he is using this Health Power of Attorney so wide spread as it isnt a General Power of Attorney is specifically states for Health Related only.. :(
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abby23 . I feel the same as you. What if she comes out of this. I even tried convincing myself she had something called Dissociative Fugue after reading a book about it. My Mom all in one weekend had a UTI , TIA , then they found nothing on CT scan , MRI and all testing and the Doctor told me it was dementia because of her symptoms. I told him as a Doctors Daughter for 49 years ( lost daddy in 2012 ) and a Doctor wife for almost 20 years now , that he can say dementia that's fine but I wanted a form. After me noticing her Sun Downing issues each day at the same time and showing and telling him , he finally said Dementia in the form of ALZ. It was always there in her , looking back but it came on very quickly after my Daddy's death and a untreated UTI , that her PCP said was nothing more than her being depressed over my Daddy's passing. She was far from depressed when my Daddy passed. She was Glad , that's what she told everybody and regretted staying with him through all his many affairs.. I said B.S. Its the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my Life . losing for the most part both my parents in less that 1 years time. My Mother is still alive but she will never be who she was to me before this horrid illness.. With someone being told they have this horrid illness every 68 seconds.. Huge money maker. I could not cope so I put her in a group home last month and she's doing okay and that's the best I can hope for . Plus we like her caregivers and the owner. Which helps a lot. Life is fleeting & fragile. This I have learned at 50 years old.
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I am at the same point with my mother's home. It costing $10K per year with tax, insurance, monthly utilities, etc. So holding on to it seems a liability. She has been in the ALF for almost a year now. Realizing the stories behind each item is also slipping away is so sad. I do believe it is important to keep a record with pictures if possible for tax purposes of the estate . There is a large numerical threshold amount that the estate will NOT be taxed on after he passes. Having a record will prove compliance with the laws.. There is also a certain number, $14K I think now, that each person can receive as a gift annually with out the giver needing to pay the gift tax. My mom has asked me to keep her updated while starting to go through and give her things away or sell them. But she seems to just hang on to that time of instruction so updating is just telling her I'm following her instructions to find homes and "I'm writing it all down so she can see a list anytime she asks for it". Since her short term memory is getting worse she has never asked for the list. Best prayers to all of us during these transitions. One positive, as you run across special items, they can help give moments of good conversation while their long term memory is still working. So hopefully you can slowly bring objects to your father to spark conversations.
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Last year, once we cleared out a lot of things we knew would have no sentimental or historic value, we three sisters took Mom into her home and video taped her as we found and sorted through her things; nothing expensive, but everything priceless. She sang Swedish songs, translated letters and told stories of her childhood and of ours as well. All of those memories have been erased from her memory now. I'm so glad we took some time to do it right.
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Contact a Senior Move Manager to help you with this. They deal with this sort of thing all the time. Go to Nasmm.org This is the National Association of Senior move managers and you can find one in your area.
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Does your father have a POA? Do you have siblings? Who holds his POA?

There isn't a lot I can add to what others have offered. I live with my 96 year old Dad, and I am his POA. I am the eldest of seven, so his decades of accumulation will take time. He is still of sound mind, contrary tor what one sibling's actions would indicate by her actions, demands, and (il)legal interference.

Definitely keep an inventory of all items, pictures of all, and their disposition in case challenges arise. Bringing the items of any value (financial/sentimental) closer to him might provide comfort. For some, it is difficult to face leaving things behind and face our mortality. For some, it can be a freeing experience.

The responses helps me keep a perspective for my Dad and his life's efforts.

I wish you well.
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My husband has dementia and is for now in long term care. He hates it there and it breaks my heart everytime I can get to see him. I tried to take care of him but he kept getting bladder infections and I got the blame. I miss him so much. You see I have MS and I'm in a powerchair. The house is falling down around me. I don't Know what to do. Should I sell and move to assitant care? Help.
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mommom68, it is less confusing if you start your own question by clicking on the "ask a new question" in

Answer this Question
Please stay on topic or ask a new question.

I will be looking for your question so I can offer a response.

Kind regards,
MyThreeSons
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Oh, this hits home for me.
I wanted to go through the house with my mother before I sold her stuff. I thought I
would start with the garage. Well, she has tons of empty picture frames. She picked out 30 (yes, 30) She wanted me to keep at my house. I could see that this was just going to be a disaster. So, I didn't go back.

I need to do the same thing you need to do or maybe rent the house. I feel like a deer in the headlights. Much of the time I do nothing. I have work, my own home plus the rest of her financial stuff to deal with all the time. The depression I feel from being "trapped" into dealing with her is overwhelming. I wake up most mornings and go "damn, I'm still alive."
She had been staying with my half-brother and his family, but she had a friend of hers call the Adult Protection Service on him when he told her she was going to have to move out.
Maybe you should ask him what 3 things he wants to keep.
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Yes, I do have durable PoA. Actually, my sister and I are joint PoA.
Fortunately, we have been able to work together and have not experienced the conflict that many people do during these difficult times.

Over the last several years, I have handled my dads finances and developed a relationship with his investment and bank officers. There should not be any legal obstacles (as far as a can see). We also intend to put all money from the sales into my dads accounts. We are planning on a long journey with this, and want to be prepared should he reach the maximum distribution of he Long Term Care ins.
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Do what I do with my mom, give her the opportunity to decide what he wants to pass on to other family members. My mom loves all of the stuff she has collected, but if you are honest with them and explain things they will understand.

Allow your dad to pick out what memories he wants to keep and who should get them when he passes.

I do not believe in being deceitful with my mom and I don't believe anyone should be lying to their parents. Your dad knows he has to sell, give him an opportunity to be included.

I am sure your dad will appreciate the respect of being included in the decisions.
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It may encourage him to know that in the process, you will bring some of his treasures back to him, and he can have them with him where he lives now, things that he has not had with him since you moved him. He will get to rediscover them and enjoy them anew. As far as the sorting process, I would start with one item, ask him what he wants to do with it. I would ask him simple, direct questions ("Dad, do you want to keep this? If the answer is no, then ask, "Is there someone you want to give it to? If no, then, "Is it ok if I sell it for you?" My mom would get confused and overwhelmed if I asked her to make too many choices in one sentence, "Do you want to keep this or should I give it to someone or should I sell it?"), and see how he does. If he does well, the next time, bring two items, and so on, so you can see how much he can handle at one time without being overwhelmed. If you get to the point where you are showing him several items, I would still take each item out individually and address each item individually. Having to look at and make decisions about a "sea" of items could be stressfull and confusing. And don't even mention anything that you throw away because you know it's just trash or junk, like old bills. He won't ever think about them again on his own, but if you mention them, he might latch onto that and decide he still needs to pay them and become unnecessarily upset and resistant about the whole process. For the stuff you'll end up selling, can you give that money to a charity that was important to him? Or a friend or relative going through hard times that it would help? That could make him happier about selling the stuff. If he could personally participate in the donating process, or see a picture or video of you as you give the money to the charity or person, all the better and more meaningful for him, something he can feel happy and proud about. The same for items he wants to give to particular individuals, if he could be there and actually be the one giving them, or see a video of you giving the items to the people, and see how happy it makes them, and experience them thanking him for giving to them, it might do him a world of good. Then he could focus less on losing his stuff, and more on the good he was able to do with his stuff by selling it or giving it away.
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So YOU just taking over HIS Stuff ..just like that?hmmmmmm
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