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Will she forget & have to be told again? Her doctor just told me 6 days ago about her limited life. Hospice will begin in a couple of weeks, and I know I could ask them for advice, but I didn't want to wait.
She is in assisted living, and has been for almost 5 years, but learning her lungs are compromised probably explains her early morning confusion and disorientation. I often get phone calls from her around 8 or 9 a.m. asking me, "Where am I? Why am I here? Who put me here? I patiently answer all her questions and tell her I'll come see her that afternoon. By the time I get there, she's just fine and doesn't remember that she was upset. So I say all this to explain that she is pretty aware (if she gets enough oxygen). For Thanksgiving all my children and grandchildren are coming. My 2 brothers and their families are coming. There will be 35 people including babies. We've rented cottages at a 'primitive resort', so there will be a way for Mom to get some peace and quiet if she needs. As I write this, I've convinced myself I should tell her before, because this will be the last Thanksgiving we spend with her, but it may also be the last time she gets to be with some of the family, who may not be able to make it back when 'the time comes'. I think she needs the chance to process this, but she'll probably forget and I'll have to tell her again. Or do you think it will be one of those shocking announcements that will stick in her mind and she will obsess about it? As her daughter, I have MPOA and am the only relative in town, 1 brother is 2 hours away, other brother is a 2 days drive. Thankfully, as her children, early on, we made a pact that we wouldn't make any decisions concerning Mom about which we were not unanimous. That decision alone has saved us so much grief. So despite the fact that most of her care and contact has been in my court, I appreciate my brothers very much. I'm sorry to be rambling, but I thank you now for responding to my questions.
1. Do you think I will have to tell her again about her short time? How often? Or do you think she will obsess about it and maybe become depressed?
2. Do you have any suggestions on how I should tell her?
3. Is there a time of day that would be better than another time of day to tell her?

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We had to have an intake interview with the Hospice nurse at mthr's memory care home which was her first knowledge of her being on the list. Mthr lobbied for hospice in her state legislature, so she was very aware of hospice, and opined that she was not ready for that yet. I explained that in order to have palliative care that was focused on making her comfortable and happy, she had to use hospice. Otherwise, the medical community had a duty to fix every ailment she had, and that would mean a lot of doctor and hospital visits, and probably surgery too. She did not like that alternative! I did not even remind her of her cancer, but when the nurse asked, she had no memory of having cancer.

The nurse pointed out that they wanted to get to know her now before she actually needed them to do anything for her. This was validating to mthr, truthful, and gave mthr the feeling she was still in control. Now 2 mos later, she complains about the aide who gets her up in the morning and washes her groin, but it's mainly about having to get up. I joked that it's a make-work program serving super seniors I tried to keep her hidden from, but they found her anyway! She laughed and laughed. I have no idea if she thought I was telling her the truth. But the complaints stopped - corresponding to a change in her anxiety meds.

Mthr's dementia is complicated by cancer spreading as well, and nurse told me it could be longer than 6 mos. Hospice is managing her meds, incontinence supply, fall pad, hospital bed, and aides. A true blessing!
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I hope no one ever tells me when it comes time for me to kick the bucket- we should all try to live every day to its fullest and bring as much joy into another's life. Just treat it like a great holiday it is giving Thanks for all your Mom has given all of you. Pass the mashed potatoes please and by the way...
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I agree with all of the above. Why tell your Mother when she will probably forget about it in a short time? No, I don't think she will obsess it about it, she will give you the impression that she does. There is a not right time to tell her, but mornings tend to be better for elderly people. My aunt had Altzeimers, a decision was made to not tell her about her memory. Every time her doctor told her, she got upset, yet she didn't remember that. She was not told, and used to say,' I'm so thankful for my good health.' All the best for the family gathering.
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My neighbor's mom has Alzheimer's and cancer. The kids are having to decide whether to let her have chemo. She is 87. My neighbor will ask her, "mom is there anything you are concerned about"? She says, "no, should there be"? She doesn't remember from day to day. All she knows is her knee hurts.

Why tell her and why have the chemo? You have to just use what feels right for your circumstances.
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ginryl, I think your biggest task right now is managing your upcoming Thanksgiving gathering in such a way that your mother doesn't become overly fatigued, anxiety-ridden or confused. Someone mentioned not broadcasting to other family members, other than your brothers, that your mom has only a few more months left (if that is even accurate). Someone is sure to say something that, no matter how well meaning, is inappropriate or upsetting.

It would be a lovely tribute to your mother---as I presume that she will be the oldest person at the family reunion---to offer a toast with gratitude for all she has given you, compliments on how she lived to such a venerable age and what is her secret to a long life? Her dementia notwithstanding, she may have some pearls of wisdom or humor to share or memories of a time long gone. Our culture is so dismissive of what our elders have to teach us, but this may be your family's opportunity to express how much they value your mother's wisdom and experience.

Best of luck with your plans, and remember to take some time out for yourself!
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Everybody says "live your life like it is your last"...so that would be my advice. Don't say anything to her. Enjoy everyday you have with her, enjoy these upcoming holidays and celebrate everyone being together. Enjoy the small moments of just being together in the time remaining.

As her condition worsens closer to the end, there will be time to talk about it, maybe she won't even realize and that will be a blessing.
In my mind it isn't woth the angst it may cause her. Often dementia or ALZ sufferes get hung up on an issue or something said and play it over and over in the minds and dwell on it...you don't want that for her.
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I would not tell a person with dementia that his/her days are numbered, so to speak. However, if this is the first time your mom was diagnosed with dementia, I WOULD tell her about the diagnosis. When my mom was diagnosed, my POA sister warned that Mother must never know. I went online, did some research and asked every professional I could find and EVERY SINGLE ONE said that, of course, a person must be told he/she has dementia. It's better than thinking you are going crazy. Now - if telling has dire consequences, just let the memory loss work in your favor and never mention the diagnosis again. Nonetheless, we MUST be as honest as possible in our dealings with our loved ones with Alzheimer's disease or other dementias.
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First of all, "limited life" as her doctor put it is not an immediate death sentence for a person with Alzheimer's/dementia. If she has another health issue, that is a different story, but you are describing her talking to you. A person with end stage dementia is unable to speak or move let alone ask, "Why am I here?" This could be just the beginning of a very long terminal state before she actually dies as dementia can be a 1 - 20 year period for the sufferer and the caregiver. I am sure this will not be her last Thanksgiving, unless she has more serious health issues. Enjoy your Thanksgiving and what will be gained by telling her she is terminal? Best wishes for your family reunion.
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People with Alzheimers will die from the disease, so they are dying a little everyday. But, aren't we all dying a little everyday. I say live as long as you can and enjoy each and every day.
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Agree with everything above Enjoy the time you have with her especially the upcomming holidays. The Dr is almost certainly correct that she only has months to live. Wonderful to have an honest Dr for once. With the cancer in her brain her cognition will begin to go, if not before other systems begin to fail. As far as hospice is concerned simply tell her that visiting nurses will be comming in to help her. Discuss aith them where she will go when she is bed bound and needs 24 hour care. Will you be able to stay with her, transport her to your home or would N/H be more appropriate and possibly hospital for the final few days. When she becomes that sick you can certainly give her choices if she is able to understand but at least have a plan in place and get information about how her disease will progress. As soon as she declines she may question you about death and it is very important to be kind but truthful and reassure her that she will be kept comfortable. This is never an easy time but if your hospice has an experienced social worker she will be a great help with all your concerns. Blessings.
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I don't understand why you would tell your mother that her life is about to end. She could surprise you all and surpass all expectations. I would also wonder how much she would comprehend and/or remember. My suggestion would be to try to make each day happy for her. As for taking her away for the family gathering, I would re-think that and keep her local where her caregivers are. You never know what may happen. Better safe than sorry.
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Took my husband (83 ALZ) to Arlington Cemetery to visit his sons grave ( same name) he looked at the stone and said am I going to die soon, why is my name on there, it says I died. Needless to say it was not a good day. I do not even tell him when anyone dies anymore, friend or family, he just does not understand and creates days of confusion intertwined with " where's Mom & Dad" My advice don't tell her, there's no reason to upset the AppleCart now.
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No need to tell her. I think it would just be sad for her. I know my mom would not have wanted to know, because she had such a strong will to live.
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I have read and re-read everyone' response to my inquiry. Y'all have so much
wisdom learned from this 'trial by fire'. Thank you all for taking the time to write me and help me be able to gain so many perspectives in such a short time.
And they are all valid! Both my brothers have now said they trust my judgment. I would that I felt such confidence in myself! I really think JessieBelle said it best that I will feel when the time is right, that a door will open and talking will fit and be kind. Until then, I think I will just enjoy my time with her, answer questions as they come, not trying to 'borrow trouble from tomorrow' and giving thanks in all things. God Bless You All!
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ginryl, that is so great that you will be able to have many family members together for the holidays. Your Mom would enjoy seeing everyone :)

I don't know if you had told the other family members what is happening regarding your Mom's health, if you hadn't then I would wait until after the holidays... you don't want to have someone accidently slip up and say something that your Mom would over hear, or a child say something to your Mom [kids will say the darnest things at the most inappropriate times].
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You know there is a time limit...Spend it with mom being happy, being with her. My Mom can't talk any more, and I don't know if she even knows if I'm there, but I see her and visit, and try to take her out, not as often, but the drives I think may be fun for her. Point being, if the doctor put a time limit on her I would not tell her, it wouldn't matter. If you mom a mentally there most of the time, then maybe, but really, make moments happy times. Does she need to know?
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Is your mother aware of how ill she is? I think it would probably be best to keep explanations for the increasing levels of nursing care she will need, and be candid about her illness, rather than address the subject of life expectancy per se. I'm terribly sorry to read about this, your poor mother. I hope hospice will have success in keeping her comfortable.

It is wonderful that the family is gathering to see her and celebrate with her, and you've arranged their stay very well. I see how important the day will be. But does she need to have it acknowledged that (almost certainly, as you realise, and I'm sorry for it) this will be her last Thanksgiving? Wouldn't that potentially detract from everyone's enjoyment of the holiday?
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I would tell her that he doctor ordered home health to make it easier on her not to have to go to appointments. The good thing is that it would be the truth, only with the h-word left out if you think it would cause her worry.

My father had an assortment of things wrong with him, including mixed dementia. I don't know if it is true of everyone, but he knew that he was going to die about 2 months before he did. I guess that he felt the changes in his body and knew the time was near. Your mother may also sense that her time is drawing near. Hospice will help you know what is going on. I like that they are not afraid of relieving pain, because the cancers may begin to create much discomfort. You were so wise to get them on board to help. They will make things so much easier.

If there comes a time to talk about things I am sure that you will feel it. Those times are like someone opened a door to saying something. Talking will fit and will be kind. Those are golden moments. Many times we have to follow our instincts about what is good or bad. I know the months ahead are going to be difficult. Glad you have family and hospice with you.
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Apparently I didn't say why my mom's lungs are compromised. She has metastatic lung CA., a large mass in her stomach and another large mass on the head of the pancreas. She is 90 y/o, has not complained of any pain other than her hip which she hurt when she fell 3 weeks ago. No broken or cracked bones, just bruised tissue. The doctor would not say how long she had, only months, so I don't know if it's short or long months. I see wisdom from your responses to not tell her. And I'm aware that I need to do what's best for her ability to make sense of things and to not put unnecessary angst into her world. So if I decide to not tell her, what do we say about hospice coming? She does not like her room 'invaded'.
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If your mom has Alzheimers and her short term memory and her reasoning ability are compromised, I might tell her in the context of asking if she has any "unfinished business" that she wants to take care of. I would n't tell her she has six months to live, but I might point out to her that she was getting on and does she have anything she wants to make sure gets taken care of.
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I agree with everyone else, why tell her? None of us know exactly how long we have on this earth, so she's no different than any of us. Let the family enjoy her and don't put more of a burden on her to make the holiday something else (the last time she'll see people).

The other thing I'd advise from personal experience is get mom LOTS and LOTS of rest away from the hubbub of 35 people. My mom gets worn out very quickly, so she can take about an hour of being around people, then she's got to get away to some more quiet. So put mom first and foremost and let the rest of the family work around her abilities for visiting. Have fun and enjoy yourselves!
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I agree with JessieBell above. It's a personal decision, but I'm not sure how telling your mom what the doctor said about 6 months is helpful. My experience in dealing with dementia patients is that they can get really anxious about something and obsess over it. It may make them very worrisome. They brain is not equipped to handle such news, because they can no longer process it if they didn't have the dementia. So, I just don't think it's fair. And there is nothing she can do about it. So, if she does remember it, it may cause her undue worry and fear and if she doesn't remember it, then it accomplished nothing.

If her dementia is not as advanced as you suspect, then she may start asking why if she only has 6 months left, can't she go and stay in the homes of her family for that length of time. You would then have to explain why that's not possible and risk her feeling rejected as she is told she is terminally ill. I would anticipate all the scenerios before I gave her that news. Plus, it could be incorrect news.
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How are her lungs compromised? I have to admit that your message confused me. I wondered what exactly was wrong that the doctor gave her such a short time. I am reminded about that TV advertisement where the woman was told she didn't have an expiration date stamped on the bottom of her foot.

I wondered a couple of other things -- will the big family gathering be difficult for her? And a big one -- why do you feel you need to tell her the end is near? And why would you tell her again and again if she didn't remember? That sounds cruel.

People with dementia can't really be expected to face our realities. As many of us know, their realities can become what is in their own mind. There is no need usually to shift them over to the "true" reality. Will it really help your mother if she knows death is near? If she already has her affairs in order, there may not be much point in it. In my thinking, the best thing would be to have the other people around her make sure they are making her last days good as possible. I would let the family know that Mom's time could be drawing close so they can do the things they need to.

If your mother has dementia, it may be what is causing the early morning confusion. Morning is the worst time for my mother. I (and others) call it sun-upping or sunrising. It is like sundowning, but happens when they wake up. What you described for your mother sounds so much like mine, so maybe it isn't an oxygen thing. My mother's O2 is always good.

One thing to consider is that doctors often miss when giving the prognosis of a disease. Sometimes they give 6 months and the person may die the next week or live for another two years. We can never be sure. We just have to let Nature take its course.
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i agree with emjo . none of us have the guarantee of another day . aside from getting poa in place i see no reason to discuss someones inevitable death . id like to see hospice chjange their terminology a bit too . the term " hospice " visitor is a constant reminder that a patient hasnt long to live and its so unnecessary imo. home health care is explanation enough as to why there are so many home visitors .
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There was a lengthy discussion here about this around a year ago, If I remember right many people opted for not telling someone with dementia that their remaining days were short. Some of the reasons were that the LO (loved one)would not remember, that it would agitate them unduly, that telling them was more for the benefit of the caregiver than for the LO. There were some cases where the LO was told and it was the right thing to do - they were able to finalize arrangements, make peace with people, savor their last days.

It is wonderful that there will be a large family gathering in time for her to enjoy family and family to enjoy her. Will any of them know that your mum's days are short? That could bring complications.

I guess I am wondering why you feel you must tell her, as you are aware she will have some trouble processing that information due to Alz. Has she ever - in past years when she was better - expressed anything about wanting or not wanting to know. What do your siblings think about telling her? You are very fortunate that you can communicate so well with them over your mother's needs.

Personally I would be hesitant considering that your mum has Alz. I don't know if she knows yet, but she may well become aware that her life is drawing to a close as her lung condition worsens. If she asks, I would definitely tell her. Otherwise I would wait and see how much awareness she has as her disease progresses. If you are concerned that she will perceive that bringing in hospice means her end is nearing, you could introduce them as more care due to her condition which is true, or something like that.

My heart goes out to you. As many here know, watching the ending of a life of a loved one often is a very difficult and traumatic process. Make sure to look after you! (((((((hugs)))))
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Thank you pamstegman for your answer, but Mom is not that weak yet. She still has some spunk and loves her family. And when I said we were going to a primitive resort, it's really close to town and we all have cell reception. 911 is minutes away. It's just that to call it a resort is a stretch.
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Tell her ? No, not unless she brings it up. My daughter chose not to discuss it at all, at least not with me. Trust me, she knows, but she may not want to discuss it with children.
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We took our daughter to the Outer Banks the last week of her life. Hospice is run county-by-county, so we knew once we left the county, we were on our own. Fortunately my sister is an RN, so is her husband, and girlfriends included an LPN and a midwife. Unless you have that level of resources, you may find yourself in a wilderness with a dead body and some unhappy rangers.
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