It seems I've read where tons of you suffer at the whims of your Mom. I also have this issue. The way I deal with it is by having my own separate living situation (a trailer) on her property. I can be over there in 1 minute if she falls or anything. I also quit answering the phone when the calls came at the rate of more than 200 in a month. I use several strategies to get my eyes on her several times a day, I use her laundry facilities, I needed to borrow a rolling pin yesterday. I use her printer on my home network and often pick up pages from the office. This has created room between us so we can pretend everything is fine. I suggest you will not overcome a narcissist Mom's built up way of life. No matter how you approach it you must accept you aren't going to change a bad experience into a good one by having a fit. It feeds their narcissism.
I'm just saying, create space however you can. I'm guessing most of you that MUST live in the same house are going to get zero relief. I've ignored my Mom's unreasonable asks for more than a year now, and she still does so at every turn...She says she can't count on me for anything now lol
There is no cure for elderly with mental problems. In my experience it only gets worse.
The only thing you can do is build your own exit strategy.
Thanks for posting here because doing it this way may help many others. I think this Forum is somewhat unique in elder care and solutions. I especially love the way you make it "not about checking up on her" but about needing the printer, and etc.
Again, thanks for posting a solution. We get so many more problems than solutions.
What happens if she weakens and cannot transfer from motorized chair to commode? Since she has refused to hire her pre-pandemic help, then what? You note that you "pretend that everything is fine." What's the next step when the pretense no longer works?
Your situation being the caregiver to your mother is working out right now because the care is being done on your terms, not hers.
You do not take all of her calls. She cannot get to your trailer on her own. So when you want space, you have it. She cannot berate and belittle you if you're not taking her calls or going over there. She cannot instigate and pick a fight with you if you're not giving her access to.
A situation like yours is the best possible scenario to be a caregiver. Close by that you can be there in under a minute, but far enough away that you don't have to tolerate any of her crap.
It's impossible when you're in the same house.
Horrible...
But in the end, she was never looking to have a partnership in this inevitable slow slide down. She was looking to rekindle the parent/child dynamic but with a twist of me being a maid.
I read what others here are going through and am reminded how lucky I am to have the resources to have made the break w/o losing the relationship.
All her other relatives/friends/contacts have simply broken contact.
I feel sorry for her but in the end, there's nothing I can do but take care of me
This forum has helped me immensely separating what she wants from what she needs.
I feel terrible for those of you who cannot get out of the adult child caregiver role from inside the same home.
I was hoping someone who hadn't thought of it yet would take my getting a trailer and placing it in the yard as good advice. She would be in ltc right now if I had to stay in there with her
What I find so incredibly sad is that there are so many of us on this forum who have put so much excruciating time and efforts into taking care of either one or both parents, who not only show zero appreciation...but who also lacked the ability of ever having been a good parent. They failed as parents by either being neglectful or unloving, abusive, etc - and then expect everything for their own selves now.
Growing up and even thru my adult years, I just assumed that a parent was naturally nurturing and protective ...and even when my parent's weren't, I was in denial of ever wanting to see them for who they were and are - and I unfortunately had to learn the hard way.